I am that I am. T-minus 2. Chapped olecranal skin.

I've been doing too much sitting at a desk. I've been getting... chapped elbows. I... don't understand how that works. but I think too much leaning on my elbow has somehow made them dry and chapped in the same way the your lips get chapped in the winter. For a while I tried a rolled up poofy blanket, which worked, but was a huge pain because my desk always looked messy and there was little room for actual work stuff to go. I also tried a rolled up towel, which worked ok but seemed to not have quite enough cushion, and slipped around a bunch, and still looked messy. Right now I'm using some rubbery see-through circles called jelbows. I'll reserve judgment until I've tried them out for a while, but they definitely take up the least room. My partner is the one who alerted me to the problem (I don't often look at my own elbows.) and told me, "hey! your weenis is chapped" (weenis is a common nickname for the olecranal skin on your elbow. I've been having fun using it since then)

For some reason my left elbow is the only seriously chapped one, so maybe it is something more than just resting on my elbows for long periods of time. Bodies are strange, and they are subject to so many strange, inexplicable things. And most of the time, if you wait long enough, they tend to take care of themselves. Or, like with the wart on my foot, they just don't matter enough to do anything about them, and become part of your body. As we go, we get more and more unique. A scare hear, a skin tag there, a jammed finger that makes my one of my finger joints super big (good thing the wedding ring goes on the left ring finger. I think... I suppose I should check that...)

Which reminds me: T-minus two weeks, in counting. 14 days from now, I will have just finished getting married. That's kind of big, and hard to fathom, but it also feels totally natural and almost inevitable. I've seen lots of movies where the man is getting cold feet, worrying about if it's the right decision, about how he won't be "free" any more. I've got none of that. It's overwhelmingly clear that this relationship is a good thing, and more of it will be better. This person feels like the very best friends I've ever had. Why wouldn't I want to spend the rest of my life with them? I'm better in every way when I'm with them, and they are a healthy, kind, mature person in their own right. 

I feel like I slowly got better at understanding what I wanted, as I got older, and I kept upping my standards for what I was willing to accept, until I had a very clear felt sense for what it was. In the end it was easy to tell in a short time if something wasn't that, and I was willing to wait and search a long time to find it, rather than 'settling' or dating casually. And then it came quite quickly. Incredibly quickly, in fact. And it didn't look exactly like I thought it would, but it felt like I knew it had to feel, and the details were even better than I had been able to imagine, or dare to hope. 

That seems to be how God works for me. He (She) not only provides what I ask for, but massively over-delivers. It happens so often and so quickly, that it's become quite clear to me that if I ask for something and don't get it, it's not a matter of God not hearing me, or not being able to give it. It's about that thing not being good for me, or me not being ready for it/the time not being right. Remembering that helps me be patient, when the occasional thing does come up that's not granted right away.

And of course there are many things that are about my personal growth, and that's not something you can just order on Amazon. You have to build your own growth one step at a time, often through hard won and difficult actions taken repeatedly over a long period of time.

Our choices are not about one time big decisions we make, like the wedding ceremony that's coming up. It's about the dedication to re-making and following through with those vows, every day. And not just for my relationship. How we live this moment is how we live our lives. I'm trying to keep that in my awareness, as things heat up, with wedding preparations along with the intense summer training program that just started last week and will continue through the wedding and the move to Austin. Any day could be the day you die, I try to remind myself, so I had better live this day as best I can, so I feel satisfied with how I lived it, as the day ends. Doing my duty, my work, is important, but not at the expense of misery.

I've got a sign hanging way above my desk, it has the hebrew words for "I am that I am" written in a circle, so it's endlessly repeating. That's the main point for me to remember, so that I live a worthwhile day, a worthwhile moment. That and love. (Intellectuals like me need to remember love)

Oh, I should put something up so if you are interested in joining the wedding via zoom, you can do so. Here's the deal: I can't put the info on a public place, or I could get zoom-crashers (it's happened once before, not pretty) But chances are, if you read this blog and have my email address, I'd be happy to have you join. Just email me you're interested and I'll get you on the list for when the eventual email goes out with all the deets. (which I suppose really should happen by next weekend.)

If you want a general time to block out in your calendar, it's going to be Sunday, July 5th, around 10:30am, Central time. See ya there, perhaps!

Change the Date, Change the State. Moving the Dial.

I came up with a clever turn of phrase for sending out the email saying we were changing the wedding date and venue. It's the first part of the title of this blog. 

In case you hadn't heard, because of Covid, we're changing the date to July 5th, and only a handful of people will be there in person, family and wedding party that are local. But, to allow everybody to enjoy it, we will live stream it (At least that's the plan). I don't think we'll record and post the livestream, that seems odd somehow, watching the wedding after it's over. Like it's a webinar you're catching up on. But we'll probably save the footage for an eventual edited video. 

"Change the State" is a play on words, since most people are going to have to be there digitally, a kind of change to their state of matter. Electronic, or incorporeal. But also, we're moving to another state afterwards.

"Moving the dial" is about action. It's a cliche'd business phrase, but for some reason it's been bubbling up into my consciousness, as I think about efficiency. Summers are always about increasing efficiency, because there is so much to get done in a limited time. The idea I keep chewing on is: there are certain things that I do, that noticeably move things forward. They affect my life and progress in real and meaningful ways. And then there is a bunch of stuff that seems important at the time, but in retrospect, these actions make very little difference in the important outcomes or richness of my life. I'm really interested in getting better at choosing to do things that "move the dial" and letting go of thing things that don't. The pleasant busy-work. I don't think it can go away completely, but if I can confine it to a limited time-frame, it becomes a choice for pastime activities. Things to do for relaxation and fun. Rather than something that takes up my precious work time and then makes me late or rushed down the line because I wasted that time and energy during my prime-time, when my mind is agile and fresh.

It is a beautiful day today. Sunny but not hot. 

I'm enjoying our cats. They are unusually cuddly and loving cats, and I've grown fond of them, which does not always happen, with animals or people.

I did a test run with a lecture today, working out the best strategy for taking notes and absorbing the material. I'm glad I did, I'm going to need to tweak my strategy, if I want to get everything done in time.

Classes start officially tomorrow. I'm curious to see how they go. I'll let you know next weekend.

It's hard to focus much on moving, with the wedding coming up first.

See you all later, dear friends and family

-I

Bring it on. Nightmares into action movies. One more (extra) crazy summer.

I 100% just missed last weekend. That doesn't normally happen. It's the week before classes start. But classes have already started, in effect. I wake up, I exercise, practice my speed reading and memorization, then I get to work. I work until a different obligation pulls me away, then I work some more. By the end of the day, I'm a little out of it, from the extended focus. I still eat meals, and I take an hour or two off in the evenings to have time with Suzannah and/or friends, but if I don't have anything scheduled, then I just work some more.

I have to. There is so much to do. This is a very familiar feeling. Last summer, the summer before that. I'll get it done, but there is no time to spare. I take breaks, but that's because taking breaks and staying rested is time efficient. If I burn out I'll get behind, and start getting less efficient. I'm like a missile being engineered in a wind-tunnel, trying to eek out every last bit of speed and efficiency I can get.

In addition, there is a wedding to plan and a move to another state to make happen. Thankfully Suzannah is shouldering most of those burdens, but there are still quite a few things that I need or want to help with, for those things.

I could sit down and curl up into the fetal position, and have done so in the past, but it doesn't help, so I'll use one of my tools instead: Bring it on. Turn to the challenge, and yell, "bring it on!" and then jump into the discomfort. It transforms things, transformers the experience. A bit like how my nightmares transformed into superhero action movie dreams, when I stopped running from the monsters, and started facing them.

Part of a quote I like that seems to sum it up: Life is a game, play it. Life is a challenge, meet it. 

(and the quote ends with: Life is love, enjoy it.)

Goodbye for now, friends.

keep taking care and staying safe

Love and prayers,

-Isaac