Time, God, and Completion

 Time for a post about time. In India, God is represented in many ways, and many things. One of them is time. Time is God.

My issues with time, I'm currently thinking, have multiple parts. One of the biggest is my mental perspective, rather than actual physical limitations. If I assign myself more tasks to get done in a day than I have time for, I feel bad at the end of the day for not getting all of them done, even though doing so would be unreasonable or perhaps impossible.

Sometimes I do have the time, but not the energy, and again, if I don't get done more than I have the energy to do, I feel like I somehow made a mistake and didn't do enough that day. Even if objectively it would have been not possible, or put me into burnout overwork mode and produced inferior results, to try and do so.

That being the case, a big part of my issues has to do with how I am thinking about things. What if I gave myself a realistic estimate of how much I could get done, and then felt good when I did it?

This is like life itself. I just listened to an uplifting spiritual talk, about equanimity and happiness. What if the inevitable pain, stress, and suffering of life, was seen as a natural part of life, or even as a gift that was leading somehow to something good in my life. A teaching, an opening, a growth towards more good? With my spiritual self ultimately unaffected by the ups and downs of the external world? Something about how the spiritual teacher talked about that was soothing to me.

I did not sleep enough last night, so I'm going to try and go to bed really early tonight. As I said before, I don't want to get sick. I was worried I wouldn't be any use today, because of the lack of sleep, but I still managed to get a bunch of house chores done. Oh, that reminds me, I need to check on the laundry. I always forget about it and it sits and gets smelly. Especially for things that need to get put on the drying cycle multiple times.

And I got my homework done, that was due today. So, all ok.

Oh, and I didn't get a single cancellation last week, which is pretty unusual, so I got caught up on more of my hours. Yay! continuing to make good progress towards that graduation requirement. I checked and it will be a HUGE inconvenience and a lot of extra work, if I don't get all my hours this semester, so I absolutely have to do everything I can to get them. So far, I'm on track, but it's still a bit precarious, if I miss a week here or there.

It's finally getting cold. Time to get out the hoodies and sweatpants and fire up the fireplace.

7:38pm. I feel my mind wandering, so I think this blog post is done.

With love any friends or family reading this,

-Isaac

The illusion of not enough time, Cat tales.

 Ok, with this one, I'm caught up. One of our cats is running around the house, chasing invisible things (faeries?), trying to burn off excess energy. Can't let this one one (Reiko) outside to do it, because she is not good about coming back in when we call her at night. I think she either gets lost, or distracted, or can't hear us well, or just doesn't feel like coming in until she's good and ready, but it means we can't let her out for a before bed wee, because she might just not come back for an hour. The other one (Ume) is better about it, usually. Ume is finally getting over her cat trauma. She got into a fight and got bitten, and was scared to go outside for a while, and it was really interesting seeing her slowly go outside for a little bit, and then a little longer, until finally she felt comfortable going and staying outside, even without one of her humans nearby. I feel like this process applies to humans as well, getting over trauma in a healthy way. Interesting how much animals can teach us, if we are careful observers.

Speaking of which, even now, well into fall, I'm still seeing hummingbirds every now and then at my sit spot. Saw one this morning, buzzing around the pink trumpet shaped flowers they seem to love. I tried to be quiet, but I think I swallowed, and it went up into a branch, which is fun to watch as well. You have to be careful watching them though, only do it out of the corner of your eyes, because they can tell when you're staring at them, and they fly off. I had a probably 7 minute encounter with one, me being very still and not staring and not swallowing, as it repeatedly moved between all 4 flower boxes, at one point getting so close to me I could hear it's unique buzzing sound and maybe even feel the breeze it kicks up from it's flapping. This time though, Ume came around the corner, and it booked it out of there immediately. Ume likes sitting with my when I do my morning nature sit spot. She's definitly the outdoor cat, and would love it if I spent more of my work time working outside. Which is a great idea, but I need somewhere shady and non-buggy for that, plus not feeling time crunched, which is rare these days unfortunately.

I was reminded today by something someone said, that the feeling of 'not having enough time' is to a large degree, an artifact of perspective. Meaning, if you decide you need to get three things done in the next hour, and there is realistically only time to do two of them, at the end of the hour, you will have two things done and feel like you don't have enough time and maybe also like you're a failure. But if you try and get two things done, and do them, then you feel like the amount of time you have is just right.

I suppose the trick is, there are sometimes other people who want you to get three things done in the hour as well, so it's not just you putting that pressure on you. But a large degree of the time, that's not true, and you are free to make that mental change.

I kind of want to try it.

OK, that's all I've got time for tonight ;-)

Sweet dreams and peaceful waking

-Isaac

2 months. I think I can, I think I can.

Clearly I missed a week, since it's now 2 months exactly now before I graduate, Deo volente. Theoretically, I can extend for one extra week if I'm really close to December 18th. But, fingers crossed, it's looking like I will actually make it. Each week, I recalculate my total internship hours, and for the last two weeks, the ratio (how many hours per week I need) has been slowly going down. Last week, it was around 11, this week, it's around 10. We want that number to keep going down, because unexpected things might happen, such as a bunch of clients missing, or -and I really don't want this to happen- me getting sick. I'm kind of not allowed to do that, so I've got to keep taking all the things that keep me healthy. The main one being: getting enough sleep. Not being super stressed, and getting regular exercise, being the next one.

But, if I keep pushing, it looks like it will be ok. So I'll keep pushing. Important note: that means having a lot of clients, which means having a lot of notes. I have been getting faster, some notes only take me a half hour, which is great news, but some are still more like 45 minutes. But everything is getting faster, bit by bit. Again, great news. Still, with all the school work, plus the paperwork, plus the independent studying for things like the couples I'm seeing, it is quite a lot. I'm feeling stretched thing, but I'm hanging in there, not burning out, and definitely getting some great practice with efficient time management, due to being forced to be efficient with my time.

Speaking of which, I've got two of these to write, so I think I'll finish this one now.

Writing another, after this.

On the edge, Final stretch, 2 1/2 months

 So. I may have been a bit premature in my celebration of being past the burnout zone. I think I am not currently in burn-out zone, but I am in 'divert all energy to basic life support systems' mode. Just really really trying to finish this last semester. I have confirmed that if I don't get all my hours, I will not be able to graduate until next semester, meaning April. That would be unfortunate, since I will be very close to getting all my hours, if I don't make it, so I would be doing, say, a final week or two of internship in January, and then waiting until April to graduate, get my temp license, and start being able to see clients again.

I have been taking on as many additional clients as I can, and last week I finally had a good 11 direct client hours. That is what I need, every week, until I graduate. If two many clients cancel, I don't get my hours, so I still need to take on more clients, because there is always attrition. Often it's a good thing: cliens get their goals met and end treatment, or drop to less frequent treatment. Also, I would say last week was a good week. A lower than average number of clients cancelled. So for that reason as well, I need more clients. I need enough that I'm getting 11 hours on an average week, not just a good week. Unfortunately that means more notes per day and per week, and more intakes, which take even longer than notes.

The good news is it's possible, and at least not unlikely. The bad news is I am going to have to push and keep pushing, hard, for the next two and a half months. Weekends are not breaks, they are time to catch up on paperwork and classwork. I will take the minimum amount of breaks and fun time I can, to not burn out, and the rest is really nose to the grindstone. The other good news is, it's only two and a half months. I can do that.

So... you can expect some short blog posts, if at all. Wish me luck, and if I make it, I will be euphoric. And if I don't make it... well, it will still be fine in the grand scheme of things.

OK, that's all, since that's all I'm thinking about. Oh, I didn't even mention the school work. I've got a final capstone class that's also taking time every week. Plus the trainings I'm doing so I can do couples work, and one for research, for my capstone, and because it seems most likely to lead to me being a better therapist.

Wishing goodness and joy and peace in all of your lives,

Isaac

Puzzle Pieces in the Rain

What is something short I can share? It's been raining a lot. The grass is squishy and tall and the geese are starting to migrate. Oh, I'm really into this deliberate practice course I'm taking. I am in general trying to absolutely minimize the extraneous non-essential stuff I'm doing, but DP (deliberate practice) is a part of my deep passion and the number one most promising thing I've found for my goal of becoming a great therapist (and DP is probably one of the best things for becoming a great anything).

I've always been fascinated by mastery and people who exhibit excellence and mastery, in any field, and wanted to strive for that myself. And it feels like finally I'm in a position to learn how to do that, and actually start moving in that direction. One more piece of the puzzle, coming into place. Deep deep gratitude for all the stepping stones, teachers, friends, mentors, who have helped me along the way, while the puzzle pieces seemed impossibly mixed up and like they would never fit together and form a coherent picture. It feels like they've been starting to for the last several years, and picking up more and more steam, so I can only fall down in gratitude and try to pay it forward as best I can.

Hope you are all finding some time for love and connection and maybe some natural beauty in this crazy hectic human world we live in.

With love, (and gratitude)

Isaac

Mysterious Earthworms, Burnt-out->Grown-in, Gottman and Teaching.

 OK! I caught up last week, I was definitely moving towards burnout, but now I've had a bit of a break, and I'm fresh and ready to get at it again! I'm not getting a real break until December, but the amount of stuff I have to do is not so much it's giving me anxiety. It's still taking a bunch of time over the weekend, not just the work week,  but it's manageable, and there is time to do fun stuff and be with friends and family as well, so, all good. And, I'm starting to get more new clients, so that's also good. I need them, to get my hours in.  But it's at least back to possible.

There are earthworms trying to get into our front door. I'm a fan on synchronicity, but I'm currently boggled by what it means. These huge earthworms are hanging out right in the nook outside our door, one of them even crawled up the top of the door (!!!) and was hanging down, spooking Suzannah, in the morning. And a couple times, we found them inside, right where the doormat would be. What does it mean!?!? (Don't answer that, rhetorical question. I believe people need to interpret their own signs and synchronicities.)

I'm enjoying working with couples. I've been a fan and a student of Gottman's work for a long time, so it's fun getting to go even deeper into it, and to share it with others. The groups I'm leading take the most time, because I'm going over my lesson plan and fine-tuning it each week. But it's a nice intersection of my work as a teacher and my work as a therapist.

OK, Gonna stop there, maybe I'll write another short one to chip away at the blog backlog. (That has a nice ring to it)

I Out :-)

Burnout zone.

OK, I am in burnout zone. I can last a week or two but I can't keep going at this rate of work. I am working all week, and most of the weekend, and it doesn't feel like I'm getting ahead, somehow it feels like I'm falling further behind, while still managing to keep my head just above water. Maybe it's because I'm still doing the things I absolutely have to do, while more and more things that I really should do but don't absolutely have to, are falling further and further behind. I see trouble up ahead, but I don't know what to do about it, so I just keep worrying in the back of my mind while focusing in the next big thing that needs to get done right now. 

I also need even more clients, to get enough hours to graduate, but I'm already drowning in paperwork, along with all the other stuff. 

The positive is that it will all be over in less than three months, which really isn't that long, and maybe it will mellow out a bit before that, once I'm caught up on hours? Maybe. Either way, 3 months really isn't that long, it will be over in a snap. I just don't want to be burned out for my clients along the way.

On the positive side, being so over my head will definitely force me to do a shoddier job on all the stuff I spend too much time on, so that's good.

That's all for this week, gotta get back to it. This blog post is one of those things I'm gonna be doing a shoddier job on for the next while ;D