Happy Birthday

 OK, this week is my birthday. And my birthday parties. I always used to get sad when my birthday came around, because it was a time of reflection, and when I reflected on my life, it made me depressed. I was generally unhappy. I didn't have a relationship or job that I wanted, my behavior was off from what I wanted it to be, I felt far away from any spiritual goals I had. 

These recent one's though, I feel pretty grateful about. It has been very slow going, hard to believe I'm about to turn 40, but I finally have a career I'm super happy with. And for the last... hard to believe it's been 7 years now, wow. For the last 7 years, I've had a relationship I'm super happy with. Some of that is luck. But some of that is hard work and persistence and the humility to face what I was doing that wasn't working and learn from it. I think I feel a healthy pride about where I have gotten myself to.

But I think it's so important to recognize all the many, many amazing teachers and mentors and friends and family, who have supported me, lifted me up, inspired and educated me, and guided me with wisdom to where I am now. I don't feel like a fake, helping other people at this point. I am always continuing to grow, but where I am now feels pretty good, and I feel like I earned that, and from there, I have a lot to offer others. It's time to pay it forward, to other people, for all the people that have helped me climb out of my own hole.

And at the same time, I had a recent conversation with a dear friend, and it reminded me of the preciousness of life, and of each day. I carry with me an awareness of death. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to us. Nor is the tomorrow of any of our dearest friends or loved ones. If I lost the person most central to my life tomorrow, I would be devastated, plunged into grief and sadness, and my life would far, far less full of joy, love, and happiness. Overnight, my life could go from what feels like heaven, to a deep pool of sadness, that felt like half my body had just been amputated.

And yet...

Even in that, there is this sadly beautiful love of life.

I know who I am, I know at least the faintest beginning of the trail of my vision and purpose. I know how to grow, and to go on, one step in front of the other, and I have faith in the vast loving intelligence I feel moving underneath and through everything, guiding me with infinite benevolence, even when it feels hard and painful.

And I have faith that I can navigate my way through things. I know which direction to move in, to make my heart sing, and which will chew me up. Sometimes I have to do things that are unpleasant, and I can do that as needed, but I can also recognize when I'm doing that unnecessarily, and stop. (maybe it takes me a little bit to realize that's going on. But that time has gotten shorter.)

I guess I'm just saying, I feel like, even if everything gets taken away, I still feel like I'll be ok. I won't be great, I'll suffer, but I'll make it through. And that feels like safety.

In the meantime, while things are great, it just reminds me to savor and appreciate it properly. And to lean into the things that bring me joy, make my heart sing, and express my unique interests, curiosities, passions. To lean into being me, more and more fully.

As I said, it does not feel like I have arrived at the end of something, but it does feel like of like a bloodhound that has just picked up the scent trail of what it's trying to track. This, after... hmm... maybe 25-ish years of looking? Though it wasn't a binary on-off thing. I guess I'd been catching whiffs of it for a while now, but it finally feels clear enough that there is an actual trail to follow, rather than just being somewhere in the general vicinity of the right place.

I don't know, the analogy isn't great. Finding Suzannah was its own version of this, in a different area of my life, and that was pretty clear 7 years ago. multiple trails, all weaving together into a single rope?

Anyhoo, things are good and full and I continually thank the Creator of my life for all that I have been given, including the rough patches, because they have lead me to where I am now.

So thank you for the greatests gift, that of life itself, and the potential contained in a human life, starting to be experienced as it begins to blossom.