Happy Birthday

 OK, this week is my birthday. And my birthday parties. I always used to get sad when my birthday came around, because it was a time of reflection, and when I reflected on my life, it made me depressed. I was generally unhappy. I didn't have a relationship or job that I wanted, my behavior was off from what I wanted it to be, I felt far away from any spiritual goals I had. 

These recent one's though, I feel pretty grateful about. It has been very slow going, hard to believe I'm about to turn 40, but I finally have a career I'm super happy with. And for the last... hard to believe it's been 7 years now, wow. For the last 7 years, I've had a relationship I'm super happy with. Some of that is luck. But some of that is hard work and persistence and the humility to face what I was doing that wasn't working and learn from it. I think I feel a healthy pride about where I have gotten myself to.

But I think it's so important to recognize all the many, many amazing teachers and mentors and friends and family, who have supported me, lifted me up, inspired and educated me, and guided me with wisdom to where I am now. I don't feel like a fake, helping other people at this point. I am always continuing to grow, but where I am now feels pretty good, and I feel like I earned that, and from there, I have a lot to offer others. It's time to pay it forward, to other people, for all the people that have helped me climb out of my own hole.

And at the same time, I had a recent conversation with a dear friend, and it reminded me of the preciousness of life, and of each day. I carry with me an awareness of death. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to us. Nor is the tomorrow of any of our dearest friends or loved ones. If I lost the person most central to my life tomorrow, I would be devastated, plunged into grief and sadness, and my life would far, far less full of joy, love, and happiness. Overnight, my life could go from what feels like heaven, to a deep pool of sadness, that felt like half my body had just been amputated.

And yet...

Even in that, there is this sadly beautiful love of life.

I know who I am, I know at least the faintest beginning of the trail of my vision and purpose. I know how to grow, and to go on, one step in front of the other, and I have faith in the vast loving intelligence I feel moving underneath and through everything, guiding me with infinite benevolence, even when it feels hard and painful.

And I have faith that I can navigate my way through things. I know which direction to move in, to make my heart sing, and which will chew me up. Sometimes I have to do things that are unpleasant, and I can do that as needed, but I can also recognize when I'm doing that unnecessarily, and stop. (maybe it takes me a little bit to realize that's going on. But that time has gotten shorter.)

I guess I'm just saying, I feel like, even if everything gets taken away, I still feel like I'll be ok. I won't be great, I'll suffer, but I'll make it through. And that feels like safety.

In the meantime, while things are great, it just reminds me to savor and appreciate it properly. And to lean into the things that bring me joy, make my heart sing, and express my unique interests, curiosities, passions. To lean into being me, more and more fully.

As I said, it does not feel like I have arrived at the end of something, but it does feel like of like a bloodhound that has just picked up the scent trail of what it's trying to track. This, after... hmm... maybe 25-ish years of looking? Though it wasn't a binary on-off thing. I guess I'd been catching whiffs of it for a while now, but it finally feels clear enough that there is an actual trail to follow, rather than just being somewhere in the general vicinity of the right place.

I don't know, the analogy isn't great. Finding Suzannah was its own version of this, in a different area of my life, and that was pretty clear 7 years ago. multiple trails, all weaving together into a single rope?

Anyhoo, things are good and full and I continually thank the Creator of my life for all that I have been given, including the rough patches, because they have lead me to where I am now.

So thank you for the greatests gift, that of life itself, and the potential contained in a human life, starting to be experienced as it begins to blossom.

Eustress, Biodomes, The Good Life

Let's try and do a short post. It's already Monday, and tomorrow I plunge back into seeing clients and doing case notes. I've also started to study for the NCMHCE exam, which I'll have to pass to get licensed and be able to continue practicing, after I graduate. I don't think I'm doing too bad, I took some practice tests, but I'm slow, and my performance was all over the place. So: time to study and do practice tests. Ah well. I did it before to get licensed as a teacher, I can do some test prep again. Not the most difficult thing, but time consuming.

My birthday continues to approach. I've got a bunch of ideas for my birthday party, but I am coming to realize I won't have much time to actually prepare for it, so I need to pare back on my preparations and plans. Story of my life, these days.

I'm coming to the realization that for me, 'the good life' = having time to focus deeply on projects and do them well, plus enough stretch to make me put in good effort.

By streatch, I mean the concept that you want your goals to be doable, but a stretch. If they are unrealistic, that can be discouraging, but also if they are too easy, it leads to not putting in as much effort, and then you don't feel as good about what you did. There is a psychological term 'eustress' which means good stress. That is this concept. Having some challenge in life is a good thing, it spurs growth. Like lifting heavy weights. If you only lift weights that are easy for you, you won't get any stronger. And you might not even maintain your fitness. We are creatures of adaptation, and if we don't have difficulty to adapt to, we get weak.

I always think about the biodome trees: trees that were grown under a big biodome, they never had wind that tried to blow them over, so eventually they would grow to tall and just topple over, because their root system was too shallow. No wind to fight against, getting their roots to grow deep.

But you want to find the right balance. Too much, and you injure yourself, or burn out.

OK, back to work (but I guess not for too long, so I can go to bed early. There's that balance again.

Spring, birthday, garden.

 I need to write more posts, so here's a short one that's more of an update than a musing: the leaves are fully out now, spring is in full leaf, the early flowers have bloomed and dropped, the weather is warm and sunny and delightful to be outside in (as long as you are in the shade, or out during sunrise or sunset.) So far the bugs haven't been bad at all, which is a huge blessing here in Iowa, where mosquitoes and biting gnats are the norm. Not sure if that's because of the huge temperature variations waking them up and then freezing them, or it's just not time for them yet, though there are certainly bugs out. Haven't seen any fireflies yet.

I'm thinking about plans for my birthday party. It's 40, so I should probably do something. I feel like my larger parties are more about me giving a gift to others, rather than about me, whereas the small one I do with a few intimate friends, are for my own sake.

Suzannah is hard at work on the garden, pulling up grass/sod to create a vegetable bed, and planting perennials and trees and some of the seedlings she's been growing in the guest bathroom.

The fruit tree's she planted last year had lots of flowers on them, now dropped, and I was worried their branches would break, if they all became fruit, but it looks like the trees were smart enough not to turn any of the flowers into fruit this year, which is fascinating.

OK, I'm gonna arbitrarily end there for now. Perhaps you'll get another some time soon, but probably not until the end of the week. We'll see how things go as I start up internship and need to start adding more clients to my caseload so I can get enough hours to graduate.

I hope you're getting some spring beauty where you are now as well, both internally and externally. I always find it easy to be happy during spring, as long as I get outside regularl.

The end of break. Fancy names and fancy hats. The right time.

It is the last day of my wonderful week long break. I'm now in the familiar stage of thinking/feeling "oh no, there is so much that I wanted to do that I didn't get done" with the accompanying worry.

On the other hand, it's much milder than when I was a teacher, probably because I'm actually looking forward to the work I do each day. And, rather than feeling like I had squandered my time and didn't get anything important done, I did in fact make a lot of progress on the #1 task I had set for myself this break, that is, cleaning up the mess in my office. I did several other areas as well, throughout the house, and set up some very simple systems to keep my office nice and tidy (very simple: throw all the stuff on my desk into a box at the end of the day and put in on a shelf off to the side. Simple, but effective.) I also got a bunch of little tasks done. Items that were just sitting around, not getting done because I didn't have time and not getting put away because I didn't want to forget that they needed to get done at some point.

It certainly reminded me how nice it was, to have periods of time that are not high demand, where I can take care of my environment and myself. There were still a bunch of other things I did during the week, I didn't get to spend the whole thing cleaning and tidying. There were various tasks, and I spend some of the time doing further research and reading related to becoming a better therapist. I find that whole field of research fascinating, which is a good sign, since it will not take much effort to get me to keep learning and growing in this area. I am naturally very curious and motivated. I wish I had more time for that now, but currently I really need to focus on the basics of graduating, getting certified, and making sure I can do the basic, often administrative tasks that are fundamental to the insurance, ethical, and legal requirements. But I'm really looking forward to when I'll have more time to dive deep into the nitty gritty of how to get better at the actual work of counseling.

I think I probably shouldn't wait till I come across the perfect time, as I don't think that will ever exist. But this week gives me hope that, though I can't do as many projects as I would like, I can at least do one every now and then.

The next big one will be preparing for and passing the NCMHCE exam, that will allow me to become a mini licensed counselor. "Mini" meaning I still need a few thousand more hours of supervised practice before I can work independently. The official term is "temporary" but I'm not a fan of fancy names for simple things. Though I do like fancy words. But I like them like an elaborate costume hat with a giant feather : it should not be worn seriously, but for the entertainment of all.

On another subject: I know I talk about time a lot, and using time well, and that may seem excessive, but consider this: time is so precious that no matter how much you pay, you can never get a single minute back, once it has been used, and all other forms of wealth, happiness, love, and purpose, can happen only with the grace of time acting as a container for all the other experiences. There is a Vedic saying,  that time is God. Though they also say everything is a part of God, so it's not actually special in that sense, the fact that they name it as such, is a reminder of it's value. To waste time is to literally waste life, the two are inseparable. So, a focus on using one's time well is not a mere pastime, but a goal of essential importance in everyone's life.

May you use your time well and cherish the time you have,

I Out