Fear pooping and the gift of unpleasantness

Did you know that often animals have an instinctive reflex to empty their bladder and bowels when threatened? I'm not exactly clear on the reasons, I think for frogs it might be too gross out the little kids who are harassing them, but I suspect there might be an element of, "oh no, lion's chasing me, no time or energy to be digesting, and I'd better jettison any extra cargo for maximum speed."

In any case, I have another... not solo week/day, but big teaching thing. It's only three math lessons, but I'm videotaping them and writing lots and lots about my lesson planning, analyzing the lessons, taping the lessons for further analyzing and it's going to be one of the portfolio pieces I'm doing.

In any case, I'm unusually anxious about them, and this morning I had to go to the bathroom twice and almost a third time, and I can only assume it had something to do with my primal antelope programming in the face of lions. Except there are no lions, so it's really not super useful as a response anymore. Regardless, it's there.

So, I'm feeling anxiety, worry, and also, when a lesson goes poorly, I'm feeling just... not anxious at that point, a different kind of bad. The kind you feel when you believe you're failing at life. It hits me right in the ego. Reminds me how I'm still identified with this body, this mind, walking around, and if it doesn't perform up to snuff, that means something about my intrinsic self is not up to snuff. Also not a useful emotion, as it doesn't help me perform better. In fact quite the opposite, it makes me want to run away from doing that ever again, so I don't have to feel bad like that again.

Of course I won't run away. I know in my heart that the way people become good is to fail a whole lot. Fail, and learn from the failure, and keep doing that. But it's not pleasant.

However, it is very useful. I have spiritual and self-development practices up the wazzoo, and if I was doing any one of them with diligence it would be incredibly useful. But often, as primates do, when things are easy, we don't focus that intensely on changing ourselves or our situation. But when times are bad, are stressful, that is when it becomes quite easy to muster the focus to practice our spiritual or psychological disciplines with rigor. Because when we do (if they are good practices) we feel much better. And as soon as we stop, we feel bad again.

There's a great phrase from the bhagavatam, at least I think it's from that. I can't actually find it, perhaps because I've got the wording slightly off. In any case, as I remember it, one of the Gopis (cowherd girls who are totally surrendered in divine love to Krishna) says something like, "if it is only sorrow that keeps your name on my lips than please let me be in constant sorrow so I never forget you even for a moment."

When like is kinda unpleasant, I like to remember that phrase. Some of the most powerful transformation in many people's lives was fueled by some of their darkest times. From my own life, when I was super lonely and depressed in high school, to more august personalities, like Siddartha, to the modern American spiritual personages like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.

I like to think about that, when things are not great. It helps me feel true and deep gratitude for my life, even in those times. And that's important, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything which happens in this world is perfect and exquisite and lovingly handcrafted for us, based on the choices we've made, to lead us eventually to the constant realization and experience of this beauty and perfection.

And when the story is over, I'll just be looking back and laughing, or perhaps feeling compassion. But if I'm not enjoying the journey, well, that's rather a waste, I think. It's like reading a really good book and not letting yourself enjoy it. Stories have scary bits and sad bits sometimes. But those make the good bits feel more satisfying.

In my view, anyways, it will be a short time until this little spark reunites with the whole fire, and there is no longer room for suffering or the kind of drama that the illusion of separateness brings. Might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts.

I think saying it like this helps me remind myself.

OK, back to work. Aaaaaaaah!


-Isaac