Birthday Blog 2019

OK, hello. It's apparently my birthday eve, as my girlfriend said this morning and a best friend said just a few minutes ago. That means tomorrow is my birthday. I've got a lot of things I want to cover, and I also have a lot of other, non-blog things that I want to get done, so I've done something unprecedented, and written an outline of my post, in the hopes that it would shorten the process. For your entertainment and titillation, I will place it now before you:

table of contents

zeigarnik effect -game of thrones
I like my new laptop, keyboard, writing experience, battery, newness

birthday - working

acting as if - not new age mumbo jumbo, but scientifically sound methodology specifically for me with regards to being productive, efficient, and well prioritized

state of the union: in gottman, and in my life:
-becoming a true adult, not a kid in a man suite
-profound fundamental change
finding things that work (for me specifically?) (gottman. if-then implementation intentions. cutting ties. Certain teachers.
being someone that works with things (teachable) relationship: check, job, check, spirituality, check. Now, working on quality

I suppose I should do something else that is precedent and proven useful, and set a timer for myself. one hour, starting now.

I keep reaching for my screen, because I've been using my ipad as my computer for the last while. the habit grows on you. It is simpler to click on the exact spot you want, rather than use a track-pad. tablets have laptops beat, in that respect. But tablet keyboards, or at least the ipad one, really are inferior. I think it has to do with the tablet being top heavy because the processing and everything is right behind the screen, but the keyboards for them are ugly, uncomfortable, and weird. They suffice, but they can't beat a good laptop keyboard, and you can get clamshell cases for them, but then you mine as well just get a laptop with a touchscreen. And the main issue continues to be that having an actual fully fledged operating system rather than a phone-like interface allows for so much more functionality, freedom, and flexibility. I think windows has that, but I like apple's OS better and I really like their aesthetic better.

Anyhoo, back to my outline.

I watched the very last episode of Game of Thrones last night. I'll try and avoid spoilers. What I want to talk about isn't the episode itself, which I enjoyed, but the philosophy behind me watching it, when I hadn't wanted a full season since the first one. and not even any intermittent episodes since maybe season 3.
a) I read the books, so I was further than I'd watched, at least, I think the books go up to at least season 5, maybe further.
b) I kind of dislike the author of the books, for making me wait so unreasonably long between books, and for going off on boring tangents so frequently. I feel like he kind of hates me too, in a general, hates all his readers sense. I mean, it seem like he wants to cause his readers pain, even within the story, tormenting the characters you like, making awful things happen to them, but it also just seems like he doesn't care about how much we want to find out what happens. He's off dicking around,  writing at a snails pace, writing other side stories. I think he's even said he's kind of tired of writing the books. So he's lost any good will he earned from me for the first three books. As it stands I just wanted to find out what happens to the characters he made me care so much about, and learn the answers to all the questions and mysteries he's tempted us with.

I've often done this with series that I don't really like. I have an unreasonably strong attachment to finishing stories that grab me, bordering on addiction or compulsion, and though I can usually tame it for any short length of time needed to function as a normal human being, it will always resurface when I get some free time, urging me to find out what happens. This is why I end up with anger for various series, that seem to never end, or end poorly. I crave that conclusion.

A psychologist named this need to "close the loop" on things, the Zeigarnik effect (after themselves, I assume?) and it wasn't originally focused on story-telling, but tv and films often use it as a wickedly effective weapon, to keep us watching even though the show isn't that good. They keep ending on cliff-hangers, urging us to watch just one more episode, and then one more. If you have any unfinished task though, it ends up like this: a record skipping, repeating the same thing over and over, taking up your mental processing power, no matter how trivial. It's a useful tool if you use it for good, but also a great source of distraction in many cases.

So when I had the opportunity to finally close the loop on that long series, that I didn't even want to watch fully anyways, since it was so dark and negative and I try to keep my sensory and mental inputs healthy like I do with my food inputs, I took it. Also helped that I was just getting in on a group watching session that my girlfriend had been going to and it meant I got to cuddle for an hour and a half with her, after a long day's work (oh yes, I work on sundays. And Saturdays. Less than the weekdays, but still. That's my life. I got the morning off work for my birthday, and I'm just going to spend it doing more work, and be grateful for the opportunity.)

OK, how much time to I have left? how many topics? 33 minutes, 2 out of about 10. Yeps, that seems about right for me.

Oh, I guess I already kind of talked about this next one: I got a new (old) laptop. I'm doing so much traveling with my laptop, it really makes a difference, having something lighter, and with a better battery (my computer itself has told me, a while ago, that I really need to change the battery. I think I get less than an hour of time away from an outlet, if I'm doing anything using internet and processing power.)

I really like my strategy, of buying a laptop that's just a year or two old. The price goes down real quick those first few years, more than is warranted by the small drop in performance or the incremental upgrades happening year by year. Even better if it's a little cosmetically damaged. The first little ding saves you around 50 bucks. It seems like your paying closer to the actual price it's worth, rather than the added price you pay for newness.

In any case, the keyboard has a really satisfying click, and the sturdiness of it is a great relief after using my ipad for so long. Also, it so much lighter than my old laptop, it's much easier to pick it up in one hand and take it into the living room to type, where there's better like, (though also means I accessible to a cat that is sometimes kind of naughty in an attempt to get my attention. feels a bit like being a teacher. I'm amused by this, but not by the cat using the couch as a scratching post.

And the battery is normal, meaning I don't need to worry about running out halfway through what I'm doing. Very pleased. I guess this is my birthday present to myself. Next topic...

Ah, also already covered the fact that my birthday will be mostly working. morning off, work. afternoon, normal work. get home from school... I don't know what my girlfriend will want  to do, she's got a big event that day, so I may just work more. At some point, I like to take time to reflect back on my year, enjoy my successes, and reflect on how I want to grow and what my goals are for the coming year. And I get up before the sunrise and go for a walk, with the intention of being open to the universe to give me a pertinent message for the coming year.

next...

I've been thinking about an idea I've heard from a number of different sources: "act as if... whatever you wanted to be true (especially about yourself) was already true." It sounds a bit new-agey, but it has some clear roots in cognitive and behavioral psychology. The current science seems to indicate that we have something like a little guy (gal) in our heads that see's what we're doing, and tries to make a coherent story out of it. That is, we do things, and then later we give those things reasons. In the same way, our stories about ourselves are not just self-fulfilling prophecies, they are created by our actions. The original thought was that we need to feel a certain way to act a certain way, but the actual research shows that we can actually just act a certain way, and we will then start to feel that way. almost like a justification for the actions. So the idea of acting "as if" you were, say, a confident businesswoman, is not just a "believe in it strong enough and it will be true" new-age self-help platitude. It's actually a totally valid way of changing self-perception. And obviously, it changes your actions.

Some people (me included) are hesitant to try acting a different way, "because that's being phoney." or "because that's just not who I am yet." and they are waiting until they feel like they are that kind of person, but that's just not very effective. We see what we do, and that shapes how we feel, so sometimes we just have to use our imagination to pretend we already are that kind of person. Not to try and lie to ourselves, that the imagination is real, but so we can figure out what we would be doing, if we were that kind of person, so we can do that action, now. Because doing the actions that imaginary super-us would do, is often the best way to change our view and feelings about ourselves, which then makes doing those actions easier and more natural. I could talk about the imposter syndrome, and how the highest achievers, like students accepted into Stanford, are the most susceptible to it, but I'll have to save that for another time.

This seems like a good segway into being a kid in an adult suit.
I think a lot of us "adults" feel like we kind a stopped aging mentally and are now just wearing these weird big person suits, hoping nobody notices the zippers on the back. We don't feel grown up. We haven't magically acquired wisdom and an understanding of how life works and what the right thing to do is. We haven't suddenly become super competent and self-confident. But we're getting old, we're getting jobs, getting married, having kids. Perhaps we're realizing that most parents were feeling like we're feeling now, a bit overwhelmed, maybe nostalgic for the days of less responsibility and more play, and certainly not qualified to be in charge of the world, like we're kind of having to do.

Most people are doing a fine job of it, but they just don't really feel 'adult,' don't feel like they've arrived. Maybe never feel that way.

I was certainly like that, but as of recently, I have been actually starting to feel adult-ish. I guess, what I imagined being an adult would feel like: a sense of strong stable confidence, a feeling that all the responsibilities that are being expected of me, I am actually moving towards being able to handle, well. A feeling that life is good, that I'm moving in the direction that I want to go, that I'm achieving things, that I'm competent. It's not a feeling of knowing everything, which I'd be alarmed if I felt. that seems too much like hubris, like the bad kind of pride. But it is the feeling that can maybe actually do a pretty good job at life, really truely, not just faking it and getting lucky, or people seeing the outside 5% of what's going on and thinking things are better than they are. So that's cool. Also, I don't think this at all excludes the ability to be playful and childlike in the good ways: full of wonder and present in the now moment.

My alarm just went off. I have two very cute and sweet cats cuddled up next to me on the couch. Setting it for another 15 minutes and wrapping up...

Checking in with my outline... looks like I've already started.

There's a thing at the end of Gottman's main book, the seven principals to make marriage work, called "the magic six hours" about the six hours a week necessary to make a profound positive impact in your relationship, weather it's already good, or on the rocks. one of those ours is "the state of the union" which is a really nicely formatted session where you get to bring up issues that came up during the week. It starts off talking about what went right this week, and then five complements/appreciations that you haven't shared with your partner yet. They you bring up issues and use gottman's suggestions for compromising on conflict/issues and processing hurt feelings "regrettable incidents" as Gottman calls them. In any case, it's super useful on it's own, but I'm kinda taking the title and using it for a different purpose, just a general state of affairs of my life, a retrospective looking back over the last year:

It's been a tremendous growth journey. About a year ago is when I started teaching, and I've grown so much as a teacher, it's quite heartening. I've got a long way more to go before I'm happy with were I am, but I really think I can get there, am on a trajectory to get there.

There has been deep, deep change going on, in so many areas of my life. profound shifts, not just surface changes, but deep changes, in how I think and feel, in how I act, all in really positive ways. What makes it feel so miraculous is these shifts that have happened, are happening, are stuff I've tried to change for years and years and years, and they just haven't shifted. and more recently, they started shifting, and nowadays, they are shifting so fast it's befuddling.

That leads me onto the next point: I feel like I"ve got a really solid tool set. I've researched and practiced and experimented, and I've found teachers and tools that work really really well for me. Again, the difference is profound, having earlier found tools that kind of worked, or worked pretty slowly, or worked sometimes. The difference is hard to describe. It's not just quantitative, but qualitative. a whole new world, as the little mermaid would say.

I've also become someone who is a much better student. more teachable. Even if the technique is not as good, I've become better at listening to my intuition and common sense, I've become better at taking action, not just thinking about stuff passively, but putting theory into practice. I"ve become better at not tripping myself up, tying myself into unnecessary knots with self-hate and unwillingness to try new things because of prejudice, but also not willing to go on wild goose chases following the latest snazzy teacher or book to cross my path, or take everybody's advice but my own. I listen, I put into practice with focus, I filter through my own common sense.

I think it was woody allen who said 80% of success is just showing up. Well, I've gotten pretty good at that, and I can attest to the truth of it. the percentage may be even higher. This may be just because so many people don't take the simple first step of showing up, that those who do have a blinding advantage. I think showing up means showing up, again and again, not just showing up once.

Reflecting back on the year, it feels like I am well on the path towards being good at a job I love, one of my long-term goals, as well as set up for a really wonderful and healthy relationship, and my spirituality has been on track already for the longest time of any of these things. I find this amazing and am bowled over with gratitude, for the teachers and teachings, the mentors, the incredible support I've had from the universe in so many forms. The gratitude is overwhelming, bigger than me, like an ocean rolling over me. And I'm grateful to myself as well. I have done a good job, accepting the bounty offered to me. This richness is not just for me, I'm quite convinced it's available for all of us. It really is a matter of willingness, of teachability, of humility and willingness to take action again and again, to show up, even when it's uncomfortable or discouraging. To not give up, to not get too narrow in how you expect your prayers to be answered.

These two characteristics, are where I give myself the most credit. These are what I think has made me so successful: I'm willing to take good advice. I seek it out, I listen with an open mind, I try, and not just a token try, I give it an honest, full hearted go. And then, weather it works or not, I keep going, I keep trying, if not that specific thing, then continuing to look for solutions. I don't give up.

I'm not a fast learner or do-er, I'm not intense. I don't have extreme willpower, I don't have extreme intelligence. I don't have abundant energy. These things would all be really helpful, but they are not particular strengths of mine. But it's ok, what I had was enough. It probably could have happened a lot faster with those other things, but at least I'm getting there. And so many people don't. Makes me a little sad. I think that's where the inspiration to be a life-coach or teacher of some sort came in, with the sadness that this goodness that I've experienced, is available to most people, without crazy amounts of struggle and pain. Some humility, the willingness to experiment, and persistence towards your dreams. And the willingness to dream at all,  I suppose. I set goals for myself that seemed totally outside realistic possibility, and many of them have already been achieved. The mind boggles.

My time is past, my second bit if time is past, my third bit of time is past. I must conclude.
I've never been more excited or optimistic about my life. I'm not reaching a plateau, I'm reaching a new rate of acceleration. the main feeling is just deep gratitude, and humility for how little of it is from me, how much I stand on the shoulders of other people, how much is Grace, God. But also contentment, that I'm doing my part as well, if not ideally, at least sufficiently, and I just seem to get better at doing it, as time goes on, as I keep pushing myself to learn more, improve, grow.

Love and gratitude to all of you. I don't have a special birthday wish for myself, the universe knows my wishes since long ago, all that's left now is doing things for others, sharing, joyful loving service for the sake of love, not to receive something in return. And the continued refinement and improvement of all the things I already have. I feel like I've achieved at least stage one in almost all my main goals, and now it's time for stage two or three, which is about going from basic competency to mastery.

Happy birthday? seems odd to say that to you. In any case, may you find fulfilment in your life.

-Isaac Out