End of winter break funk

I'm at that point in my break where I look at all the things I wanted to do, see how little of it I actually have time for, and begin to feel time crunched, a bit anxious, and perhaps frustrated and disappointed in myself.

I'm attempting to triage as much as possible and make sure the few really important time sensitive things get done, and create a realistic schedule. But if I haven't contacted you and have been meaning to, It's probably not going to happen until after this week, and this is why it hasn't happened last week either.

My tendency to try and do all the things and thus fill up all the time, plus my attachment to completing things and doing them well, mix to form a soup of nega-time, unless they are under close watch and control. Something I let go of for a bit, because I was break, and thought it would be fine and I'd have time for it all because I was on break.

There is something sad and frustrating about the feeling that I can't take care of personal relationships properly, and put enough time into any project to move it meaningfully forward, at the same time. I suppose this is what pop culture talks about as 'work life balance.' And I am frustrated at my slowness which seems to make such a balance impossible. Maybe it's more than just slowness. Probably. Every now and then my defenses are down and I get so frustrated and down on myself for not being able to get more done. If only that led to some kind of positive progress, but I just don't have a clear conception of what all is causing the problem. Or how to remedy it. 

Maybe if I learned to move faster without getting flustered or making lots of mistakes, and got better at prioritizing, and stopping things part way through without finishing them, as soon as I realized I was doing something not actually important. Or not starting things in the first place that aren't important, even if leaving them undone bugs the heck out of me. And saying no to more things. And choosing fewer things to focus on at a time. And maybe setting aggressive mini-deadlines so I don't get Parkinson-ed (Parkinson's law: work expands to fill the time allotted to it). And maybe setting aside time blocks that I keep sacred for important but not urgent work.

Maybe. But maybe that doesn't even address the real underlying causal issues, and maybe even if it does, I am incapable of doing all those things well enough to make a difference without additional scaffolding. And maybe they won't help, and trying to do all those things will just end up taking more time and leave me in the same position as I started, except having wasted a bunch more time. Catch 22.

Ah well, for now I will try my best to shake off the funk so I can be present and enjoy the time with friends and Suzannah that I've decided is my top priority for this week, since I have friends in town visiting and Suzannah has the week off. I'll get back to a work focus next week. The work/personal-life balance and time/productivity issues will remain unsolved, but at least I can try to do one of them well at a time.

It could be worse:

All good to you

-Isaac

on full days, choice, and cleaning

 I should probably change my blog location to wordpress or something, so people can make comments. On the other hand, I kind of like the comments being broken. I don't want the added time and stress of content moderation. There was a period in my life where I argued with people on forums or email groups, and I don't think anything positive came out of it, and it took a LOT of time. Plus, the only people reading this as far as I know, are a few friends and family, so it doesn't seem to make sense to pay $10 a month for that. (which I assume is what wordpress costs? OK $4 a month. Still seems like a lot if I'm just giving updates to friends and family and/or musing out loud.

The break is quite busy for a break. It makes me think of this Calvin and Hobbes comic:

Bill Watterson was so so good.

Anyways, there is just so many things I want to do. And I'm doing a bunch of them. But also, not doing like 90% of them. I don't think that's my inefficiency, I think that's just having a list that can't be done in X amount of time. It strikes me every time, the poignancy of how short my life is, even at its longest projection, vs. how much I want to do in this life. It highlights the importance of choosing wisely. I can't just choose good things to do, I have to choose the very best, because even with that, there won't be time for all of it.

There's the old trap of thinking that therefor every moment of the day needs to be packed with high intensity objectively high leverage activities, but I don't think that results in the best life. I think some of the fallacy is that it's the 'things' you do that are the only important bit. I think how you do whatever you are doing, is at least as important. Do the dishes in a good way, so to speak. And humans are designed to work in cycles, so it doesn't end up being healthy or happy, if you are super on and intense all the time. We need cycles of rest, we need times when we can let our mind relax, we benefit greatly when we can be in a timeless wandering state (especially in nature.) without destination.

On the other hand, I was just reminded of the research about goal setting, and how much more powerful goals are when they are challenging, as well as specific. When they make us streatch.

I kind of want to do the exercise of clarifying what my goals are, for the year, for the next 10 years, for this life. maybe for the next quarter. I don't think "enlightenment" is a sufficiently measurable and specific goal though, for goal theory's tastes. I wonder how much it can be specified, and if it even should be?

Anyhoo:

Tonight: cleaning for tomorrow's Hanukkah party. Then going to someone else's Hanukkah potluck. Tomorrow: more cleaning and cooking for our Hanukkah party. This is 100% Suzannah's doing. I don't think I ever have or ever would throw a Hanukkah party, but I very much appreciate her ability and drive to create community via get togethers and events. But it is a huge amount of work. She is running around frantically today, and I'm sure will be tomorrow, and has been working on it in bits and pieces over the week.

Given how long she's lived here, it ends up being a bit of a superpower, because she knows and is well liked by so many people here. Really well developed roots and power of place. Something you can only create by staying in the same location for a long time and taking the time to invest in relationships, while in that place (it's not something that automatically happens, it takes ongoing effort and energy).

Alright, that's all for now, I should get back to helping.

1) pleasant now and painful later, 2) painful now and pleasant later, 3) ????? 4) profit

Currently I am working on a difficult dialectic. I've talked about that word before right? The idea of a synthesis between two seemingly opposing polarities/viewpoints. One of those poles is "discipline." I'm not actually sure what exactly the other pole is, something like "have fun now." Maybe "hedonism"? That's kind of got a negative connotation though. Enjoyment in the present, what feels good now.

It came up because of one of my all time favorite hang-ups, a real classic: 'go to bed on time.'

The problem with this is that, when I try and push myself to do it, I often fail, and then feel bad about failing. I fail because, in the moment (say, 8:30 or 9 pm) I decide I don't actually want to go to bed now, I want to stay up doing what I've started doing. I give in to that impulse, enjoy it in the moment, and then curse myself for falling for it again, which leads to not being able to wake up early without incurring a sleep debt. Which is what I really want. I sleep better when I sleep earlier, and I love being awake for the sunrise, and being able to get my daily maintenance behaviors in (meditation, exercise, my morning sit spot) without pushing back the beginning of my work day too late.

This is just one example of this behavior though. I think it kind of boils down to the dichotomy of delayed gratification vs. immediate gratification. Walter Mischel's "marshmallow experiment" and the 'willpower' he discovered is one of the biggest factors in the subsequent success of the five year old children, in all sorts of different areas, from academic achievement, to job success, to relationship satisfaction.

Yet, if I recall correctly, somewhere near the end of the book he talks about how a life devoid of enjoyment in the moment, a life of supreme willpower, could be very sad indeed, with no room left for enjoyment in the moment at all.

The issue I run up against, is something like that. When I try and exert willpower to create a desired long term outcome, not only do I not do it very well (I might be one of the kids who ate the marshmallow right away) but the very act of trying to exert willpower transforms my current experience into something kind of hard and angry and not joyful or playful. However, if I give up and just let my 'enjoy now' self direct things, I begin to feel an existential pain, as pressure slowly builds up about me not being of service to others or having a deeper meaning or purpose to my life. Just a shallow series of pleasant distractions.

So this is the false dichotomy I tend to get stuck in: either wishy-washy just go with the flow and do what feels good, or hard-nosed jaw-clenched constipation-faced straining to do what seems right. It reminds me of the issues I had with classroom management, of either being permissive, or too harsh, neither of which felt good or worked well.

I think I need a third way, something that is disciplined, but without anger or straining. Disciplined with kindness and compassion and flexibility, even as I hold steadily to my values and take the actions that feel right. Disciplined with a sense of play and relaxation and humor and ease.

So that is what I am reaching for, trying to feel out, though it feels like I'm blind and groping in the darkness for a pathway I feel certain must exist.

This is all made exponentially harder by social pressure. I wonder if people who are wishy-washy just seeking pleasure feel social pressure, and it's just me who experiences that as generally socially acceptable, but I don't tend to get push-back when I lean in to that side of the spectrum. However, I definitely get pushback when I lean into the other side, the discipline side. I wonder if this is because we are kind of a materialistic, consumerist culture? Maybe it's our cultural reaction to the puritan work ethic side of things that was ascendant earlier. Maybe it's just the subgroup I tend to live in.

Maybe it's just me, and I grew up with the hedonistic mode as my norm, and when I try to go into discipline mode, it gets noticeably wonkey, because I haven't spent much time around good, non-wonky role models of balanced discipline. And people are just reacting to that.

This very much makes me think of a repeated experience as a new teacher, who didn't know all the rules, starting to work with children, who knew the rules better than I did. Often, they would ask if they could do something, and I could tell, by how they were asking, that they thought they weren't allowed to do it. That cued me in when I otherwise wouldn't know, and I would say to wait until I'd checked in with someone who knew all the rules. Sometimes, it wasn't even a rule, it would have been fine, but because of how they asked, it made me think it somehow wasn't fine and so I ended up saying no.

In that same way, I notice people who have trouble saying no and asserting their boundaries, end up saying no in a way that feels offensive or profoking resistance in others. They are in effect creating a self-fulfilling prophocy, in how they assert boundaries. They think there will be a problem with it, and that makes their delivery cause a problem, wherease someone who felt supreamely comfortable enforcing their boundaries would do so without any of the drama or subtle cues that would provoke negative reactions.

I think I might be doing the same, with trying to be disciplined and enforce those boundaries in social situations. And actually, even just for myself. I think maybe I have an idea of what discipline looks like, and it's not a flattering image, and I'm making it come true.

So yeah, trying to create a different image and follow that.

And I wonder if I'll still get pushback even so? I guess I'll find out. I think I already have somewhat, I think when my behavior makes someone else get less of what they want, there is inevitably some pushback, as with any enforcement of a boundary, but I bet if it is done in a gentle way from that resolution of the dichotomy, it leads to that pushback dying out, rather than growing bigger.

I guess we'll see. I've got to do something though, or the pain of a life lived partially out of alignment with my values and sense of rightness will remain. Experimentation to ensue.

If you are curious where the title of this post comes from: https://www.reddit.com/r/OutOfTheLoop/comments/4x6lk8/where_does_the_step_3_step_4_profit_meme_come_from/

Wishing you well in your own search for meaning and resolution of internal conflicts,

Isaac

P.S. also wishing you a good holiday season, and warm time with friends and family and rest and recuperation, like a normal person ;-)

P.P.S. Also resolution of external conflicts, because there are certainly plenty of those in people's lives as well

Cat nap trap

I have a cat sleeping in my lap, so though I want to get on with my day, doing my morning run and finishing my meditations, I thought I'd get done what I could, while trapped in this cuddle puddle. I sometimes think of my interactions with my cats as a minor preparation for being a parent, making sure my kids get quality connection time with me on the regular.

That includes a blog entry (hopefully a second one will be on the way soon.)

Things I'm doing: enjoying winter break, woohoo! It's time. Yesterday was almost entirely me and my wife playing and having fun together. We did some lego's, played some games, both analog and digital, made a cozy fire, cuddled, made brunch, went for a walk in the winter weather, and generally had a cozy great time. Today, I'm trying to finish up my weekly review (which doesn't always happen every week, like this last week, so it can end up taking a bit longer) and try to finish planning for another cozy but more logistically complex get together with some friends. Once that's on track, I get to think a bit more about what I want to do during this blessed free time. I'd really like to get my house in order. not super tidy, but at least 80-20 things so everything has a home, which will make it much easier to put things away, and, if it's all in containers, easier to clean things (rather than having to move a bunch of individual items to vacuum or wipe down somewhere, I can just move a few boxes.)

Aside from that, there are a few general maintenance and life admin things, and then maybe a bit of discretionary reading/learning, as time allows. And of course, spending time with my wife especially (more of yesterday's goodness) and with friends. That's rather a lot, so I'm hoping to get clear on the most important things, so I do those first, since I don't expect to get to all of it.

Anyhoo, today I'm likely going to help my friend try and fix his very drafty house, so I should get on with things, ending this post and shifting Reiko off my lap.

With love and warmth, 

-I O

Connection, community, travel.

It's been a busy week, and last week, though technically a vacation, was full of travel and the disrupted routine that brings with it. That is to say: I didn't think to pause and blog, so it's been a while.

And now I'm about to drive for 8 hours to get to my 4 day residency in Ohio. The drive will start tomorrow morning. And I've got more prep to do before I go to bed tonight, and work of other sorts to do durning at least a few of the evenings during residency. So this skimpy post is all that's going to happen for a bit.

The trip and time with family was sweet. I've been doing a lot of learning, both in class but especially on my own and via teachers unrelated to my CMHC degree, about communication, connection, groups, and  belonging, and I feel like I've been growing in that respect, getting better at connecting heart to heart with people, and doing so more naturally.

And this upcoming residency is focused on group skills, so it's all very thematically appropriate.

See you on the other side.

-Isaac