I'm at that point in my break where I look at all the things I wanted to do, see how little of it I actually have time for, and begin to feel time crunched, a bit anxious, and perhaps frustrated and disappointed in myself.
I'm attempting to triage as much as possible and make sure the few really important time sensitive things get done, and create a realistic schedule. But if I haven't contacted you and have been meaning to, It's probably not going to happen until after this week, and this is why it hasn't happened last week either.
My tendency to try and do all the things and thus fill up all the time, plus my attachment to completing things and doing them well, mix to form a soup of nega-time, unless they are under close watch and control. Something I let go of for a bit, because I was break, and thought it would be fine and I'd have time for it all because I was on break.
There is something sad and frustrating about the feeling that I can't take care of personal relationships properly, and put enough time into any project to move it meaningfully forward, at the same time. I suppose this is what pop culture talks about as 'work life balance.' And I am frustrated at my slowness which seems to make such a balance impossible. Maybe it's more than just slowness. Probably. Every now and then my defenses are down and I get so frustrated and down on myself for not being able to get more done. If only that led to some kind of positive progress, but I just don't have a clear conception of what all is causing the problem. Or how to remedy it.
Maybe if I learned to move faster without getting flustered or making lots of mistakes, and got better at prioritizing, and stopping things part way through without finishing them, as soon as I realized I was doing something not actually important. Or not starting things in the first place that aren't important, even if leaving them undone bugs the heck out of me. And saying no to more things. And choosing fewer things to focus on at a time. And maybe setting aggressive mini-deadlines so I don't get Parkinson-ed (Parkinson's law: work expands to fill the time allotted to it). And maybe setting aside time blocks that I keep sacred for important but not urgent work.
Maybe. But maybe that doesn't even address the real underlying causal issues, and maybe even if it does, I am incapable of doing all those things well enough to make a difference without additional scaffolding. And maybe they won't help, and trying to do all those things will just end up taking more time and leave me in the same position as I started, except having wasted a bunch more time. Catch 22.
Ah well, for now I will try my best to shake off the funk so I can be present and enjoy the time with friends and Suzannah that I've decided is my top priority for this week, since I have friends in town visiting and Suzannah has the week off. I'll get back to a work focus next week. The work/personal-life balance and time/productivity issues will remain unsolved, but at least I can try to do one of them well at a time.
It could be worse:
All good to you
-Isaac
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