melted plastic. request to the universe. catch 22's.

my brain feels like a plastic toy that's been torched with a flame-thrower. Like it's melted and partially deformed. I gratefully got two extra weekend days this week, which I gleefully spend relaxing, getting some much needed supplies, and cleaning up and organizing my room. I got a teeny bit of work done as well, but really, not that much. So this weekend was a lot like any other weekend, for the actual Saturday and Sunday.

I'm at peace with the crazy amount of work I have to do, but I will never think it's healthy. My body, my brain, are sluggish, exhausted. Like working out too much, but mentally. It's also too much of the same kind of task. I can understand the necessity of it. The school is trying to cram a lot into a little amount of time. And they're trying to do it with a large number of people, at a reasonable cost. Given an infinite number of resources, it could be done much more ideally, but the real world has constraints.

It's hard to think much, about other things. When I think, I think deep, and that takes a large chunk of time usually, as I research and think and research some more. But even ten minutes where I'm not focused is a good thing. I need to remember that. It's important to have time to let your mind relax.

There are many stories of inventors that devised various ways to catch themselves at the edge of sleep, because of the creativity that happened at that juncture. The story of Archimedes is the classic example: working for a long time on a really difficult problem, and then when he finally relaxed, the answer came to him. You sometimes need that open, relaxed state for new connections and combinations to be made, for things forgotten to surface.

and you sometimes need a lot of time to redesign your systems so that they are more efficient, which then gives you more time. a sad catch-22 when you don't have that time to redesign in the first place. This is where a lot of people find themselves: constantly running to keep their head afloat, doing things inefficiently, thus making them have to keep running forever, though if they only had the time to stop and think and plan, they could reduce the craziness.

I'm trying to take that time, in little bites, as I can. I've figured out a few little ways to save a bit of time, and I've identified some of the problems that are taking up too much time. But I still haven't found any big things.

But I think I'm ready to tell the universe, "hey, I don't want to work this hard. this is too much. I don't know if you need to change the work your giving me, or the way I approach it, but I want it to feel better, and take less time, so I have more time for other important things in my life."

hmm, lets end on a positive note. I got a lot of incidental todo's off my list with the long weekend, my relationship is still wonderful, just keeps being that way, deeper and deeper, and because of it, it's the most pleasant "away from friends and family, working" time I've had thus far in my life.

I feel confident that if I just take the time to sit down, clear my mind, and get clear on what I want, I have the tools to make it happen.

OK, that's all I have time for, see ya next week. Hope your summer is less busy than mine.

too many papers