The end and the beginning. Now.

 Ok, sorry about last week (maybe not actually sorry? I think part of me wants to see the expressions of people swearing when something I wrote ends on a cliffhanger and they want to read the next part, and then laugh hysterically. Perhaps I am a little bit evil after all?)

But, I'd already written a bunch and it seemed like it should be split up into a new post.

So, picking up where I left off:

I raised my hand.

Actually, I raised my hand two or three times. You know that shy person hand raise, halfway raised, not wanting to be overly insistent. But I got missed. Then I saw someone raise their hand and stand up, quickly, when the previous person had finished. So then I did that. Opposite of shy person hand raise.

I'm not sure how to describe this next part, I could write pages and pages about what was going on in my own head, and write out the specific conversation I had, but nothing I write can capture the days of build up and the power of what ended up happening.

If you meet me and want to know more, ask and I'll tell you more of the depth of it. But it is also such a personal event, that it feels private, so even the limited audience of this blog feels too public to go into the depths of it.

Well, time to give it a shot. I raised my hand, and stood up like I wanted to be seen. I got called on, got a mic. I was already starting to feel a bit light headed. Even just this much was a victory already, but now I was ready to go on. I said that I had questions I wanted to ask, but even more important was the act of simply raising my hand and talking to this person who was kind of symbolic for God in this situation. More than symbolic, it was almost the feeling of it, energetically like doing that. Not even 'like' doing that. I felt like that was what I was doing. Saying to God, "yes, here I am. I'm stepping into your light, to be seen, maybe judged. I'm willing for you to see all of me, even the embarrassing bits, because I want you, want to be with you, near you, even if it means I have to endure you looking right at all the darkest and most embarrassing parts of me.

I said something about what I had been going through, with my fear to be seen, realizing it was ego, and so going in the opposite direction that egoic fear was telling me to go, taking a step towards God, towards my highest Self. And they said something like, "and look, you take one step towards me... I take all these steps towards you." and they had moved across the lecture hall right next to me.

There was more, that wasn't even the height of it, but that's all I'm going to share here, in specific. But to summarize, it felt like I had exposed myself, totally vulnerable, and it had not been terrifying, but grand, and I had not been judged, but loved. And I think again that is a good symbol of how God actually works. And again it wasn't just symbolic for me it was experienced. My questions were answered, but mostly by myself, and I was radiantly alive, and authentic, and open. It felt like I'd been reborn. There was a book I read, a good book, called "coming alive" and that is a good description for the feeling. Like my passion for life that I had as a child had died or fallen asleep for years and years, and I thought it was dead for good, but it had come back to life.

All well and good. Wonderfully good. But such highs of spiritual experiences inevitably pass, at least in my experience. However, what was not something that would just fade away, was the understanding of that step I took. That one step, through the barrier of fear, towards...Light.

OK, I think that's a poor explanation, but I'm not sure I can do better. And this is getting long, but I'm not going to give you another cliffhanger. There was something I did, when I stood up tall and raised my hand. It was a symbolic energetic act. It was saying, God, I want to move towards you. More than saying, it was doing. It was moving towards God. In so doing, I was moving towards fear, discomfort, possible pain, that stood in the way, or even was the way, to God. (and you can substitute True Self, Atma, Allah, Truth, or such things, as you feel called, for "God" if that's more comfortable or feels better for you, I'd consider it fundamentally the same.)

It was an act of willingness, to be uncomfortable, to be exposed, for the sake of... not just moving closer to God, but for the sake of following my heart. What I wanted and felt deeply right. Allowing myself to want what I wanted, and ask for it, and pursue it. To be myself, authentically, rather than hide who I really was, to please others or keep them from being displeased.

All of that, and more, and I know what that movement is now. Towards. And what it feels like to take that step, towards, even when it feels uncomfortable. And I have a memory, a handle, as I said earlier, on that feeling, on that movement, to remind me how to do it, should I forget. To remind me what it feels like, and what the outcome of doing it is (hint: really really good).

If it were always as easy to take that step as it was that day, and the days that followed, life would be incredible beyond description and I would be firing off like a rocket ship into unimaginable awesome creations.

However.

The high always comes down, and the works inevitably get gummed up again, despite how hard I try to keep them clean. It's ok though. Now is the time for the real work. Getting that engine, that step after step walk towards, working even when traveling through difficult terrain. Mud and muck, rather than skipping through the field of daisies and dancing fairies that was the spiritual retreat. Things are not always clear. Sometimes I forget. But at least I can remember. At least I know how to take that step. And hopefully, with practice, I will get better and more frequent with remembering to take that step towards, each moment.

I'm not sure what to do about the clarity thing. If I don't know which direction towards is, I can't take that step. What was previously crystal clear not sometimes requires deep meditation and prayer to gain clarity. Hopefully that is something that will improve with practice as well. I think so.

Aaaand, that's my story. Experience. Aha moment. Now you maybe know why I wasn't sure exactly what to call it, and why I said it was a very important moment in my life. Perhaps I should say, is a very important moment, since it continues to be, and the wisdom of it gets lived, in the current moment, now. Always now.

Raise your hand if you like being sneakily diverted from your spiritual path by your own mind

 OK, part 2/the ending (maybe, we'll see how long it ends up going)

So, the final night, the spiritual teacher was taking questions. Lots of questions. I had been wanting to raise my hand, I had questions I wanted to ask, especially about my job search, but again, I was afraid that this person with their keen intuition and awareness would see right through me and scold me for 'being bad.'

However, I had at some point that day realized that the part of me that didn't want to be seen by this probably enlightened individual was my ego. Ego in the enlightenment sense, the false sense of I that is afraid of it's own dissolution (which will happen with enlightenment, since that's the realization of your true self.) and so, somehow, is able to act like a very intelligent saboteur to your attempts at enlightenment. It's kind of fascinating how it seems like there is a second living entity within you that is sabotaging you from your goal of enlightenment, when in fact there is just your own mind, no one else home, but it really does feel like there is someone working against you sometimes. Perhaps I should say me, I don't know if you experience this.

However, many people on the spiritual path do. Whether it actually feels like someone else in your head fighting you or just your own unhelpful patterns, the fact is there's often great resistance to doing things that would move you powerfully towards your own self realization. And apparently, the closer you get to enlightenment, the more tricky, subtle, and in some ways powerful, this inner enemy becomes. Perhaps it's simply that you've seen through all the simple tricks, so they may still be getting triggered, but they're not stopping you, so when something finally does stop you, it's because it's something really powerful. Theory. Anyhoo:

I realize that the part of me that was afraid to raise my hand and be seen, was my ego, trying to keep me from doing something that might significantly diminish it. And that felt like fear. But that voice was the last thing I wanted to listen to, because it was (is) diametrically opposed to my #1 most important goal in life, being the world's greatest cheese connoisseur. 

Joking :-) 

It's enlightenment. It's always enlightenment.

Anyways, if there is a voice diametrically opposed to my #1 goal, then unless it learns reverse psychology (not so far), if it tells me to run away and be afraid of something, that is most certainly not what I should do.

So, my ego is afraid of raising my hand and talking to the enlightened person? Then I'm definitely going to do it.

So I did.

End part 2 🤣

When the cat's away, the mice will play. Obvious advice + right time + right person = wisdom. 2B continued...

 Alright, let's start with with the life altering experience (I know, I know, you really just want the cat video. Good writers always save the best for the finale though.)

I'll try and give a brief summary so there's some context. Leading up to the spiritual retreat, Suzannah had been away on a trip herself. And, if you've ever heard the saying, "while the cat's away, the mice will play," well, that what what was going on. If you haven't heard the saying before, your welcome, it's a good one. I had gotten off my nice routine and was mostly playing around, which was fun at first but then as the late nights built up and I started feeling unproductive, became a bit...less fun. 

If you've every felk kind of energetically...gunky, you know what I mean. Like the opposite of coming off of a really deep and powerful meditation retreat. I should maybe mention that the low was still a lot higher than it had been in the past, thanks to a lot more self acceptance and compassion. Still, not great.

So, it was great news that I was going to the equivalent of an energetic car wash and tune-up. However, when I got there, I had this feeling of... perhaps unworthiness? It was like I was afraid the spiritual personage leading the retreat would be able to see all the goofing off and not listening to my inner voice that I'd been doing, and I was trying to keep my head low so I didn't get scolded.

The idea that sticks out representative of this, and then the interaction I had with a wise person who helped me begin to turn my state of mind around, is as follows:

At one lecture, the spiritual personage said something like, "if you are really sorry, don't apologize; stop doing it, never do it again!" 

I'd heard something like this before, but this time I had a strong reaction, which was, "I can't make that promise." I was sad about that fact, but it was a fact. I could put in a really strong effort to stop doing it, and to never do it again, but chances were, given past performance, I would do it, or something like it, again at some point. Present Isaac could not control far future Isaac. And it made me feel kind of sad and defeated. Then, I ran into the a kind person who was helping to run the event and they took the time to ask how I was doing, and who I actually told how I was doing, rather than just giving the common, "find-and-you" of polite and shallow society, because I knew they were actually interested in knowing. We chatted for a bit, and I told them what I had been thinking and feeling, and they said something simple, but very helpful. 

Again, in my own words and to the best of my memory, something like, "perhaps that's ok, and you just do the best you can now. We all make mistakes, I made a big mistake myself just yesterday." The words gave me permission to let myself off the hook for the future, and for perfection, to focus on what I could do, now. From that point on, things went better and better, until the last night of the event, where the big 'aha!' happened.

Aaaaand, that seems like an appropriate point to pause, since this has already gone on past the "short" length of blog post.

See you in a few days!

-I

Life altering experiences, cliffhangers, funny cat videos

Alright, as of this writing I still have 4 posts to catch up on (It was two but then I got further behind) so we're going to have another session of writing that get's broken up into pre-schedualed posts through the coming week or two.

I haven't written anything new since I want to the spiritual retreat/program in mid December, and during that event I had a... realization? Revelation? I don't want to say "experience" because, though there certainly was a pretty awesome experience, the sensations and intensity of that died off pretty quickly, and even the extreme lucidity died down rather quickly after I got back home, but there was something about the experience that was one of those "once you see you cannot unsee" kind of things, perhaps a eureka moment, that felt like it fundamentally and rather profoundly changed the way I was able to approach things, and gave me a strong handle that allows me to access a fundamental aspect of the lucidity I got, any time I remember to use it. It's not the same as going into a spiritual high any time I want, but it is a way to be in radical integrity with my self, "to thine own self be true" kinda thing, despite fears and discomforts about how I might look to others, for example.

This is going to have to get it's own post, maybe two, so I'm sorry (but also kind of amused in the way authors are when they leave a chapter ending with a hook. But not leaving a book on a cliff-hanger, you won't have to wait that long. I'm occasionally mischievous, not cruel)

I also have a funny cat video (or two, depending if I have to split it up because of reorienting the phone) because it seems like lots of people are having rough times these days, and sometimes a funny cat video is worth more than a guided meditation, for creating joy in the world.

See ya next time, which should be in about two days, if everything goes as scheduled.

Haiku Catch-up pt. 3 Shaxberd, unscheduled time, ch-ch-ch-changes

Did you know Shakespeare fiddled around with the spelling of his name, spelling it over 80 different ways, according to two totally un-fact-checked (by me) online sources? I was just thinking about this as I spelled "catch-up" differently for the 3rd time. (I'd heard it before these sources, I just googled to make sure I wasn't mis-remembering, and to get a specific number)

One thing that has me hopeful for my current stretch of unscheduled time, over previous times in my life, is a new behavior. When presented with some time, and the realization that there is nothing pressing that needs to get done, what is your knee-jerk reaction and then your actual action? Previously, it would be to go off on some interesting or fun tangent or distraction. Currently, it is mostly to get working on something important to me. That feels like a rather profound, fundamental shift in my behavior, in a very positive direction. At some point (or perhaps gradually) over the last several years, its sunk in that it actually feels really good to get the things you want done, done.

Title reference explanation: ch-ch-ch-changes 

Haiku Catchup part 2 Worthiness. Clarity. Feel.

 Worthiness. Clarity. Feel.

It was many years ago, when I was pining for a girlfriend, during my undergraduate at MUM, (once MIU, now MIU again) that I heard the phrase, "first deserve, then desire" and decided to work to become the best boyfriend material I could be. It didn't work right away, there was a lot of other stuff to do, but when I eventually did find my now wife (and to an extent, even when I was doing some dating) I found that paid off. I was a good boyfriend (and eventually husband) and I think I was able to have such a wonderful relationship with relatively little friction, due to that work I put in.

Now as I work towards work I love, I've stumbled across a concept that reminds me of this one, though from a different angle. It goes something like, "raise your frequency to that of your goal." And right now I'm thinking that means, once I've got a sufficiently clear idea of what that work entails, I need to make sure I'm a person who could get that work, and be successful in it.

All this depends on clarity of my goal. Goals are better if they are specific. On the other hand, with something as big as "work I love", it is possible that many things about that work might look different than I imagine them looking, while still actually meeting my core criteria, so it's also important not to be too specific, in the wrong ways. I need to get clear on what is actually important, and what the energetic feel is, that I'm looking for. That seems generally analogous to what I did to find Suzannah.

I don't feel like I have that clarity yet, but I have been working on it, and I do feel like I'm getting closer. Once it feels sufficiently clear, it's time to start 'dating,' wherein I can make further adjustments based on experience.

Haiku Kat Katchup part 1

I've got... 5 weeks to catch up on, so I'm going to try some quick, slice of life, haiku-like posts to make the task manageable. Really it's all like my own personal superstition, like not stepping on cracks to avoid bad luck or something, but it gives me a little sense of closure and motivation to keep up the habit, even when I've been off it. So, #1 of 5.

Sitting in the living room of Suzannah's house, which we will probably be moved out of in the next month or two. Already the living room feels empty, with all the plants moved over, except our dieing bonzai tree. I'm on the couch, with a napping cat on either side of me. It is darling, how they just like being near us. When I try and work in the office, they will meow at me, as if to say, "hey, come work out here, so I can sit in your lap, or at least next to you. I miss you."

I was never really a pet person, but these cats are just so good and loving (though Ume is sometimes naughty) that they've earned my full affection. I think I'll go bury my face in they're warm fuzzy bellies now. ^_^

-IO