Quest-ions

 I leave for my vision quest in 4+ days. So, my main focuses are:

- make sure I've got everything I need for the quest, packed and ready, including my travel plans, which are going to involve a fair bit of public transport

- make sure I've got the questions I want to bring into the quest, ready at hand, deeply thought about and researched

- prepare for my SSE online classes, with some lesson plans and activity ideas

So, aside from going through some simple todo's, I'm thinking deeply about what questions I want answered. In general what I want is obvious: I want a job, work, that I love.

But how can I get specific about that? the more specific the questions are, the more useful they will be. What constitutes a "good job"? I want to enjoy it, but I also want to be financially comfortable. Should I entertain the idea of doing something I'm good at but is ho-hum, part time, so I can do something I really enjoy, the rest of the time? or should I keep searching until I find something I enjoy that can also make me enough money to feel financially secure? And I also want to be doing something that is helping others. Will that need to be a separate consideration? Should I think about that after I've thought about what I enjoy? What about the role of working with my strengths? If I'm going to be useful to others, it makes sense to work with my strengths. Same for being financially secure. Using my strengths means I'll do a better job that average, probably.

In addition, how will I know if what I think is a good choice, actually is? My only clear way to figure that out is to try it, in some way. But if I'm taking the time to think about this a bunch, which I'm doing now, and planning to do in the vision quest, I'm not going to have the opportunity try out my hypothesis. Which will likely improve as I try them out and see, 'yes, this i really is enjoyable, no this actually isn't, yes, I am strong in this, no I actually am average in that.'

In addition to those questions, I'm thinking about what my underlying values are and why, thanks to a book called "The Pragmatists Guide to Life," which is offering some questions and thought experiments with the thesis that the most important and fundamental thing to identify is: what are your intrinsic values? Things you think are important for their own sake. And which are your highest values, that supersede the others?

Do I try and work this out before going into the vision quest, or just bring them in as well?

It's been a while since I really journaled voluminously, but I used to do it all the time, at length. I'm feeling like it is time to revisit that practice, to help me get some clarity in my thinking. I can't do it here, because it usually produces a very large quantity of materiaal, with no editing and often fragmented trains of thought, and may be very personal or potentially offensive. I don't think it would actually be offensive, but it definitely could be more personal than I'd like to share publicly, and just the act of writing something knowing it will be read by others changes what gets written.

But writing itself helps me organize my thoughts. I usually end up typing, because it's the only way to kind of keep up with my thinking, and I sometimes find it better than speaking, because I can look back at what I've written. Though often I don't. So, that's what's up next on the menu. I may not have a post next week, because I'll be in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, again. If I do post, it will be by Saturday, since I'm traveling Sunday. If you don't see it by then, you won't get anything until after the following Sunday.

See you later, where I can maybe tell you a little about my quest (though you're always supposed to keep some of it to yourself, not shared with others.)

Quest

 I am in beautiful Rehoboth beach, in a multi-million dollar house rental, (the rental isn't millions, but the zillow estimate is maybe 3 million for the house) with a multi-generational family (nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles and cousins and parents and wife.) All together helping to pay for the rental and the chef that makes dinners for us.

And I took today to fast and meditate and quest. The fast is to prepare for the 4-day fast involved in the vision quest coming up for me. The spiritual activities are to take advantage of the fasting, and also prepare for the activity of the quest, and to seek answers and clarity, just the the full quest itself is for.

Many would look at this externally and say, why are you wasting a day of paradise for deprivation. Not eating the delicious food, not having fun with family or at the beach. Or they would say, wow, that's intense, I couldn't do that.

The reality is, I'm not questing or fasting because I'm masochistic. I'm questing because questing is good. Fasting and prayer and meditation is food for the soul, when done right. After just a little of it, I feel a sense of peace and beauty and gratitude that is somewhat intense, and definitely outside what I experience in my everyday life. Even some clarity on deep questions I have about myself and my path.

Life is not all about doing easy pleasurable things. Eating and sleeping and playing games to pass the time. We all crave purpose, peace, love, and joy. Food, external things, will never give a lasting version of these. It's when we answer the deeper promptings of our heart and soul, that life really reveals it's sweetness. Like a flower blooming. Give, help others, for its own sake. Revel in the beauty of the world and dwell on all you have to be grateful for. Seek the spiritual font within for your primary joy and solace. Do what you know to be right, even when it's difficult.

There's a verse in the Bhagavad-Gita that goes something like, "for the wise, day appears as night, and night as day." It makes me think of this. Most of the world thinks the external things are "day" and will give them happiness. It's not totally wrong. You get some happiness from them, sometimes. But the wise know it is the internal that really is where to look for happiness. That is "day" for them. And each see's the other option as "night"

If you want to look externally for lasting or deep happiness and fulfilment, it's what I mentioned. Serving others for its own sake. Living a life based on righteousness, love, truth. Those values that are the external manifestations of the internal like within.

People maybe think I'm a little crazy, or if they're generous, just eccentric, but I think the same thing of them. And they'd probably think what I thought, if they'd experienced what I have. I did think what they thought, before I experienced it. I don't really think they're crazy or eccentric. I get why they act the way they do. 

I'm definitely not anything like done, but I've gotten enough experience to confirm the general hypothesis to my own satisfaction, and the main emotion that goes along with that, is just gratitude. And so, I am grateful for my little mini vision quest.

I think that's one of the differences, between my novice spirituality, and my now journeyman spirituality, is that I now do the spiritual work, because I like to. Because it feels right, and makes my life better, richer. Rather than, because somebody told me to, or I think I'm supposed to.

Makes me think of the habit formation advice for establishing an exercise routine. You need to choose a good "why" for your exercise. Not "so I'll look good in a swimsuit" or even "so I'll be healthy" but something more immediate, like "because I feel better after running" or "I have more energy for the rest of the day."

Anyways, the quest is done, all that's left is the night, which is actually kind of a lot more time to fast, but I'll probably be asleep for most of it.

Sacrifice is essential to life, and is not a bad thing. I sacrifice some food and comfort, for peace, clarity, meaning, and joy. What you have to remember is to look at the right time horizons. Most of the deeper satisfactions come after a period of struggle, when it's not fun. The easy pleasures are often like junk food. They taste good in the beginning, but later you get indigestion. The longer lasting pleasures are more like complex carbohydrates. They don't taste as good as candy, but they give you good energy throughout the day.

Good Night! Next time I'll have some stories from my trip to New York, probably.

Cleaning House. Packing Up.

This week is pretty simple: try and get the house in some kind of presentable order, with boxes not all over the place, for the house/cat sitter. And the house generally cat proof (and ant proof, as we've had some issues with ants in the kitchen. So far the diatomaceous earth is working, but I won't be able to do any more, if they find another way in.) Pack (which has a lot of sub categories because of how long we'll be gone and the different things I'll be doing). And take care of any other miscellaneous tasks I can't do once I'm on the road. I'll be gone for a full month, starting Thursday. That's two days away. Lot to do. So this one's a short one.

Back to cleaning up the house.

Take care, be well.

-I Out

House Hunt, Vacation Protocol, Time Tracking

 OK! I'm back, couples massage is tonight, looking at a house, also tonight. Probably too small, and too far out of town, but it's an area that, back in highschool, I remember seeing, and thinking, "this is the kind of place I'd like to live." Because it was beautiful nature, not too far from town, and had some neighbors, so it didn't feel super isolated. We'll see, I guess.

I'm back into the groove of things finally, starting to re-form my habits and routines that so increase my general happiness, wellbeing, and productivity. And, beginning to experiment and tweak things, once again. For example, I'm starting up time tracking once again. I'd done it in the past, and it was useful, though at some point, I got too busy to even check what my days actually looked like, so all the data tracking was useless.

But as long as you are actually looking at what you track, there is very strong scientific evidence that what you track, improves. Kind of like a more specific version of "what you put your attention on, grows." Except easier to measure, and so easier to prove scientifically. Weighing yourself leads to a higher likelihood of reducing your bodyweight, of that's a goal of yours. Tracking what you eat makes you more careful about what you eat. Tracking whether you exercise makes you more likely to exercise.

At least with exercise, I have personal experience. Tracking it was helpful (along with reducing the requirements I needed to meet to be successful, aka 2 minutes of sun salutes was sufficient) in establishing the habit of exercising every day. Once the habit was established, there was no longer any need to track it. Like brushing my teeth, I just felt a little incomplete, if I didn't do it. And if something happened to disrupt everything in my life, like moving did, it is easy to get back into the habit again.

I'm hoping tracking where I spend my time will help me spend it better, and do things more efficiently. It theoretically should, as long as I take the time to review and reflect briefly on the data every day. I'm excited about this, as I'm excited about lots of things I've been wanting to do previously but havent had the time for.

My routine is going to be repeatedly disrupted in a week and a half, because I'll be "on vacation" traveling around, seeing family and such. This is a good time to work on creating a modified "travel routine," a morning routine that can work with uncertain travel conditions and environment and often smaller amounts of time.

We also saw some land come on the market, that looked beautiful and spacious and in the right part of town that we wanted. BUT then I drove out there to double-check a hunch Suzanna had, and she was right: it was too close to the massive 4 lane highway that goes by town, and the sounds from it were too loud. I want to spend as much of my time outside the house as possible, or as close to outside as I can, and having constant car sounds as loud as the birds chirping is just unpleasant. But it was pretty close. Minus the car sounds, I think we would have jumped on it and started the long process towards building a house. And it was an exciting feeling. I think we both want to be done with the house hunt process. Especially since our current house feels a bit to small. Like wearing shoes that pinch at the toes or something. Except buying a new pair of shoes is a bit of a bigger deal, so it's worth waiting. But it will be a huge relief once we are truly settled in somewhere, can put all our stuff way in a neat and orderly way, somewhere we're not worried about it flooding or molding (like our basement) and take that big todo off our minds.

On the other had, the market is bad right now, so the longer it takes, the more likely it is to be a better move, financially.

Hopefully today, I'll get some stuff cleaned up, at least in my room. Not having ample storage space means it's harder to keep things clean, and harder to put things away, when your trying to tidy.

Still hopeful,

-I Out

Tracker, Covid, Division of Domestic Labor.

 This is going to be very short, because I am typing it on my phone.

Tested positive for Covid some time around Monday or Sunday night. The sore throat happened the previous week, but so minor I didn’t think it could have been Covid. So: couldn’t go to the first Tracker class, called them up and asked what do to. They said, since it would be more than ten days, if the symptoms were gone and I tested Negative on Friday, I could come to the second class, starting Sunday. Rested, took the first class via the live stream option (awesome class, had some profound aha’s) tested negative Friday, rebooked my tickets for the next day, and now I’m at my parent’s, about to drive out to class.

A bit of a whirlwind. Couples massage booked for Wednesday after I return.

If I have time, I’ll re-string the tent poles for my tent before I leave. Looking forward to being back in the pine barrens again.

Suzannah is feeling burnt out and overwhelmed, and I think resentful that I haven’t been carrying my weight with the various chores the last while. I feel a bit helpless since I was sick trying to rest and get better, and then doing the class, which was pretty much an all day thing. Nothing that can be done about the past, but the plan is to step up when I get back home and try to make sure things feel more equitable. What I’d like to do is take enough off her plate that she gets a chance to rest and play. We’ll see how it goes, that’s the plan.

Isaac out

Love!

Unpacking. Packing again. Tracker!

 Alright, gonna be a short one, but it's already the next week and I don't want to get further behind with these.

What I'm doing: unpacking, journaling, practicing time/blocking and general productivity a little bit, meditating, spending time with friends and family. Mostly unpacking type stuff.

However, today I'm going to start packing for my trip to the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, for my first in-person Tracker class in... at least 5 years, quite possibly more. Looking forward to it!

Other little things: 

- trying to get a couples massage for me and Suzannah as a well deserved relaxation break after doing the big move.

- Still looking at houses. And at building or modifying current dwelling.

There's more, but now it really is time to go and get down to packing. Gotta figure out if I'm Checking my bag or gate-checking it...

May you all be well, friends and family!

If I don't have another chance between now and Tuesday to write a second blog post, I'll see you in two weeks.

-I Out

Done. Now, rest.

End of Chapter. Three days ago, we arrived in Fairfield with giant uhaul and close to all our worldly possessions (which certainly feel like too much. Nothing like having to pack up and move everything you have, to make you keenly aware of how much you have and what a heavy burden it is.) We had been packing furiously in the 100-ish degree weather for two or three days before that. And trying to finish getting our stuff into boxes. We woke up at 3:30 am, finished loading the truck and car (a good friend who we paid to drive the truck was also helping load up the truck during the final frantic day.) put the cats in, and drove until around 9pm, to arrive back in Fairfield.

Two days ago, we woke up after a long well deserved sleep (but surprisingly not that long, I think we only slept in till about 7am.) We then had a leisurely morning until 10am-ish, when a group of super kind, thoughtful, helpful friends helped us quickly unload the uhaul, doing in a few hours what would have likely taken us the rest of the day and the next day after it. Then we had lunch to celebrate (we bought for everyone who helped out of course.) and I convalesced for the rest of the day. I don't remember what else happened, just fatigue. Yesterday, we returned the truck, ran a few errands, I took a nap in the afternoon for an hour, but it could have gone on for a few hours, but I had some fourth of July things to attend. Good food and friends, and then fireworks. then I slept in some more. That whole day (and the previous, especially after unloading) I was profoundly exhausted. I wanted to do nothing but sit quietly and stare off into nature. Almost shell shocked.

Today, I am back to work, though I slept in even later. About 8:30 I think. Though I also went to bed later, past 10:30, because of the fireworks.

The house does not feel like home, it feels like a storage shed for boxes and furniture mixed with a well kept abandoned house that I, as a hobo, am camping out in. There is still a number of things that need to get done. I have to pack for my upcoming trip to Vail, Colorado, for a spiritual retreat type thing. Packing is made abit more difficult, because finding just about anything is an ordeal. I need to go on a treasure hunt if I want anything I didn't pack specifically for immediate use.

And in regards to that, with any spare time and energy I have, I need to be figuring out how to more conveniently all the boxes and furniture that we won't need until we find and purchase our new, larger house. And in regards to that, we are continuing to look for and visit houses as they come on the market. And I also need to do some research about the feasibility of building a house, in case we can't find what we want.

And we still have some simple moving things we need to take care of. Changing our address on various things, mail forwarding, etc.

Even so, even with all of that, it feels like I've finally reached at least the beginning of a reprieve. I've been going hard for 5 years +. Now, finally, I'm starting to slow down a little bit. To have actual time to breath. I am deeply thankful for it. I sit here, on my couch, with our two kitties napping next to me, without anything deeply pressing that I need to complete. Without the need to rush. With the opportunity to choose what I wish to do, and do it. Or just to sit quietly and enjoy existence, enjoy the beauty and abundance and love around me. Something I love to do and think I'm quite good at. Something I haven't felt I had the time to do very often in the past several years. I do not need to rush. I do not need to do things I do not want to do. Within reason. I still have to put boxes away, pack for the trip, etc. But it doesn't not feel bad. It feels good. I do not have a job I dread, that I have to gird my loins for at the end of my short week or three day long break. I am free. I have gone once more into the breach, for the last time. We have held back the enemy, once again, and now, finally, the battle is over. We have survived. Peace has returned to the land. 

The long, forced march of the soldier, through dark  cloudy skies. over barren, muddy ground, with no end in sight, long past the point of exhaustion, is finally over. The halt has been called. The hope I had dared not hope for, is realized. I may sit, I may rest, and not just for a few moments, to catch my breath before continuing on for an unknown further length of time. I sit now in green forest, surrounded by natural beauty, with no further march called for. I have arrived at safety, shelter. A place to settle down and live in. I have a chance to create a work life that I don't dread going to every single day. I have a chance to do all the things I just didn't have time for before.

I paid a grave price over the last several years. Gray hairs, deteriorating eyesight, nervous twitches, and a general lack of energy or enthusiasm for life. It has been really, really hard. I don't want to cast any negative aspersions on the people I've worked with, adult and child. I've liked them. But I have hated work. Or maybe dreaded it is a more accurate word. I've wanted so badly to stop doing it. I pressed on, because I thought it showed weak character to quit, I pressed on because I was so sick of how I quit almost everything I ever started. I pressed on because I believed (and I'm quite angry at you, Cal Newport, for giving me this horrible, damaging, incorrect or at best half-baked idea) that if I just got good enough at something, which I could do with anything, then I would end up enjoying doing it. That doing so was a viable path to job satisfaction.

I don't think that view is wrong so much, as only half of what is necessary, and thus totally insufficient to actually achieve job satisfaction.

In yet another area of my life, I am now done listening to other people over and above my own internal wisdom and knowing. It's time to trust myself and my own internal guidance and direction. I hope I can take the lesson of this more holistically, and not wait for another awful several years in some area of my life, before I learn it for that as well. It's already happened for spirituality, relationships, and now job. How about I just say that's my MO in general, rather than having to re-learn it for everything.

I've got a lot of trips and journeys I'm doing this summer. I already mentioned the one I'm going to start packing for in Colorado, which I leave for this Thursday, but I also have a trip to meet up with my Tracker family, a few weeks later. Something I haven't done during the last 5 years of pain. And a relaxed family vacation, something else I haven't done during the last 5 years, I think. And finally, near the end of the summer, I'm doing a vision quest. Vision quests can be for seeking clarity on many things, but one of the original is to find out what your work is, in the world. Vision is somewhat synonymous with purpose or dharma, and I am specifically interested in what my vision is, in terms of work, but I think also a bit more broadly, in how I want to live my life.

I don't feel alone in this uncertainty and worry. In this unanswered question, "how do I live a good life?" It fills me with compassion to see so many of my friends also with this feeling of emptiness and/or anxiety, which they generally try to ignore or distract themselves from. But I can't help them if I can't help myself. 

Teaching was interesting, in that while it felt awful on many levels, I never worried that I was not doing something useful, that my life was meaningless. I had 30 to 40 dear little people who very much needed me, every day. And I was doing something that was clearly meaningful and in my own estimation, as important as you could possibly get. 

That's why I chose teaching. I went big on the premise that it didn't matter if you enjoyed it, that came with practice and mastery, so you might as well just pick something you thought was important. So I picked the thing I thought was most important of all. I still do. I still hope that I can find some permutation, that I do actually love to do. But I have discovered through great sacrifice, that you can't just choose anything and get good at it to love doing it. We all have predispositions, and that's something you need to take into account, when selecting work.

What that really specifically means, and how to find and clarify those dispositions, and find work where you get to lean on them, are things I plan on discovering, because I do not yet know them.

For now, the old sad story has ended, a new, happier one begins. Soon. But for now, rest, enjoyment, gratitude.