Well, I don't think last week went especially well. I got a lot done... at first, then several people asked me if I was ok, without me saying anything, so I guess I must have started looking haggard. Then I got sick. :C
I was never fond of the "I'm great and everything is perfect" affirmations when you didn't feel that way and you were essentially lying to yourself, or at least that's what it felt like. But it's much easier to think of it in terms of "this is where I'm going and I'm determined to get their" and keep that vision in mind as my inspiring goal. Feels a bit more grounded to me. I was never one for denying the reality in front of me. Though in the past I was never one for hope either, but that changed, and it was a change for the better. Hope is really useful for getting things done.
In any case, good night. just a short one because I've got things to do. Love to you, my friends and family <3
-I
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Thought experiment
I posted a longer version of this on my more spiritual-pondering style blog, but I'll just give a quick recap here: I got to ask a spiritual luminary a question about what to do with feeling totally overwhelmed, not enough time or energy for everything. I will try to re-listen to the answer, since it was recorded with a bunch of other people's questions, but the points that stand out clearly are: stay in alignment (meaning, connected to source, spirit, whatever you want to call it. And being directed by That) and two, stop thinking the thoughts, "I'm too busy, I don't have enough time/energy" etc. because that creates that reality for me.
I also went into depth in my other post how something near to that kind of advice, one of the popular interpretations of "positive thinking" really irks me and strikes me as counterproductive lying to yourself, but I don't think that's what she meant. I think she was referring to the real thing, the fact that our perspectives are not absolute, and the meanings we give to things are kind of arbitrary, but very self-fulfilling. If you are able to "not take yourself too seriously" about your beliefs, it becomes quite doable, to simply drop the beliefs that are not serving you and replace them with ones that do. Henry Ford said it in a catchy way, (misquoting him) "whether you think you can, or you think you can't, your right."
She wasn't even saying to replace them, looking at my notes. Just to drop the ones that aren't serving me.
In any case, I asked and I got an answer, so now it's my job to give the advice a good solid try. This will be the starting date, and I'll be tracking things from here to see how it goes. So far, the morning has been very productive after the call, so a promising start, I guess. I'd like to keep you posted, for my own records, as well as your entertainment.
I also went into depth in my other post how something near to that kind of advice, one of the popular interpretations of "positive thinking" really irks me and strikes me as counterproductive lying to yourself, but I don't think that's what she meant. I think she was referring to the real thing, the fact that our perspectives are not absolute, and the meanings we give to things are kind of arbitrary, but very self-fulfilling. If you are able to "not take yourself too seriously" about your beliefs, it becomes quite doable, to simply drop the beliefs that are not serving you and replace them with ones that do. Henry Ford said it in a catchy way, (misquoting him) "whether you think you can, or you think you can't, your right."
She wasn't even saying to replace them, looking at my notes. Just to drop the ones that aren't serving me.
In any case, I asked and I got an answer, so now it's my job to give the advice a good solid try. This will be the starting date, and I'll be tracking things from here to see how it goes. So far, the morning has been very productive after the call, so a promising start, I guess. I'd like to keep you posted, for my own records, as well as your entertainment.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Two summers from now: my first break
And now for my on time post. My girlfriend got sick but I seem to be safe. I've been taking preventative medicine, and going to bed early, and on the weekend, sleeping in. I am tired. I'm feeling a bit better today. I had a class that's part of an ongoing series yesterday, that would have taken up my whole afternoon from noon to 5 pm, but I started it, and just couldn't bring myself to finish it then. I needed a nap, which turned into watching some anime. I felt a little bad about it, but I also felt like I should be allowed at least a few hours of relaxation and recuperation time. The class was emotionally and mentally demanding, and I need a break, not further exhaustion. But now it's just one more thing I'm behind on. And there are so many of those now.
I'm trying to transcribe the recorded conversation I had with a teaching mentor. I had recorded it on a livescribe pen, which is a device created by the devil to inflict psychological agony. I have never come across a more infuriating and non-functional software interface for something. Perhaps I've come across something equally janky, but it was so long agony I don't remember it. I do not recommend them. I just need to get this recording transcribed so I can delete it and give it away to someone I don't like. (joking. except for the getting rid of it part.)
I haven't had lunch yet, it's 2:41. I should do that.
This would be really stressful, but my relationship is great and that provides a kind of psychological cushion. I have someone I can come back to and be held by, when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just in general, it makes me happier, more energetic, more disciplined. Which is good, because I need it, with all that I'm doing.
It's kind of frustrating, how easily and quickly my desk gets over-run with stuff. I really want a system that keeps it generally clean, but I don't quite have it there yet, just like I don't quite have the rest of my stuff organized enough to put everything away easily, there keeps being all these things that just don't quite fit, that I don't immediately know what to do with, and so I have to sit down and ponderously decide where each things goes, rather than being able to mindlessly sort them quickly.
I could work on it and get better at it, but that itself takes time, which is precious and keeps being taken by fires that need to be put out immediately.
There is satisfaction in my job. Second year teaching is definitely less stressful than first year teaching, I feel like I have some ability to understand what is going on, what the kids and class need, and to adjust things to make it happen. But I don't yet have the systems in place to make it happen efficiently. I'm having to create all those systems, experimenting, learning, adjusting.
The weather is beautiful. There are wonderful friends around. I look forward, not to next summer, which will be just as busy as the previous two, but two summers from now, which will be the first time I can actually breath and get well and truly caught up on things. It feels kind of far away right now...
I'm trying to transcribe the recorded conversation I had with a teaching mentor. I had recorded it on a livescribe pen, which is a device created by the devil to inflict psychological agony. I have never come across a more infuriating and non-functional software interface for something. Perhaps I've come across something equally janky, but it was so long agony I don't remember it. I do not recommend them. I just need to get this recording transcribed so I can delete it and give it away to someone I don't like. (joking. except for the getting rid of it part.)
I haven't had lunch yet, it's 2:41. I should do that.
This would be really stressful, but my relationship is great and that provides a kind of psychological cushion. I have someone I can come back to and be held by, when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just in general, it makes me happier, more energetic, more disciplined. Which is good, because I need it, with all that I'm doing.
It's kind of frustrating, how easily and quickly my desk gets over-run with stuff. I really want a system that keeps it generally clean, but I don't quite have it there yet, just like I don't quite have the rest of my stuff organized enough to put everything away easily, there keeps being all these things that just don't quite fit, that I don't immediately know what to do with, and so I have to sit down and ponderously decide where each things goes, rather than being able to mindlessly sort them quickly.
I could work on it and get better at it, but that itself takes time, which is precious and keeps being taken by fires that need to be put out immediately.
There is satisfaction in my job. Second year teaching is definitely less stressful than first year teaching, I feel like I have some ability to understand what is going on, what the kids and class need, and to adjust things to make it happen. But I don't yet have the systems in place to make it happen efficiently. I'm having to create all those systems, experimenting, learning, adjusting.
The weather is beautiful. There are wonderful friends around. I look forward, not to next summer, which will be just as busy as the previous two, but two summers from now, which will be the first time I can actually breath and get well and truly caught up on things. It feels kind of far away right now...
Week Late Post
I'm real real behind on my posts. I basically missed last weeks post. I'm very busy. things are going well, I suppose, but there is so, so much I want to do, and I have time for almost none of it. I think I said that last time, it's still true. I tried to get myself to do stuff Saturday, but I just couldn't. I needed a break. I work early in the morning, through the day till 4, and then keep working a bit into the evening. I just need a day to take a break from all that. Sundays I'm back at it, I'm teaching a class in the evenings and I try to clean up and keep things from becoming a mess in my room and with all my papers. etc. laundry, that kind of thing. It's to much, but even too much is not enough. I'm making forward progress, but it's slow. It's like walking against a blizzard, where the wind is blowing so hard you're almost at a 45 degree angle, leaning into it, just so you aren't blown over backwards. There is new stuff added every day, that is the wind blowing against me constantly, and the steps forwards are the longer-term positive things that I'm doing.
I understand why my teaching mentor said to stay with an age for three years before deciding to stay or switch. I can see it taking a full three years before things are automated enough that I have some idea what it would be like to do, long-term. But I've already pretty thoroughly committed to my age range. I have both a masters and will soon have an AMI certification for elementary students. It seems silly to not end up with that age range. like buying a nice car and then leaving it in the garage.
For my own completionist sake, I'm going to end this post and then write another one, so I technically continue to have one per week.
I understand why my teaching mentor said to stay with an age for three years before deciding to stay or switch. I can see it taking a full three years before things are automated enough that I have some idea what it would be like to do, long-term. But I've already pretty thoroughly committed to my age range. I have both a masters and will soon have an AMI certification for elementary students. It seems silly to not end up with that age range. like buying a nice car and then leaving it in the garage.
For my own completionist sake, I'm going to end this post and then write another one, so I technically continue to have one per week.
Monday, September 2, 2019
trying hard to get back to zero. work, not enough work, and more work.
OK, almost back on track.
I spent... how long have I been doing this... well, I was doing normal upkeep, cleaning, laundry, from maybe 2 to 4, and then going through my over-stuffed inbox until now, 8:30. This doesn't mean I did everything in my inbox. No no no, that is an entirely different step. I'm just trying to process it, for now. things that need to get filed, get filed, things that need to get done, get put in a location where I can look through them, either entered onto my computer todo list program, or in a bin with a sticky-note that tells me what needs to be done with them.
I am sad. I had this beautiful three day weekend, and I spent most of it just doing fun, playful things. I perhaps needed that, but I really wanted to get a whole lot done instead. I got... some stuff done. I'm still getting some stuff done. But not nearly as much as I would have liked.
I suppose I must be gentle on myself. But I'm not really being hard on myself about it. I just feel a bit anxious. like I'm not well prepared. That is maybe sadly inevitable though. I think I have a fair idea of how much time it would take me to feel well prepared, or at least reasonably prepared, for life to go on, and I'd put it at about two weeks of hard work. Maybe two and a half. If I was really pushing it, I could maybe get it all done in one and a half.
I need to be more of a machine in how I get stuff done. I'm trying to facilitate that by what I'm doing right now, organizing and setting up next actions with all of my todo's, so when I actually have some time to do it, I don't need to waste it trying to remember what I have to do or decide what the next step is.
I must say, as I get close to an empty inbox, it feels reaaaaly nice. papers filed, room cleaned, next actions clearly delineated. It makes for a clearer mind. Simpler. Over the summer, I had a tremendous amount of work, but I was able to do it pretty efficiently, because it was all very easy to put into todo lists and just go through them, checking them off as I went. I saw how long things were taking, I saw how much time I needed to finish them, and that itself created more motivation to keep working. I'd like to create that for myself, in a non-artificial way. School kind of does that for you, which is nice for getting an exceptional amount of work done, but in real life, you have to make your own assignments and rubrics, most of the time. One of those useful meta-skills we never bother to teach, for some reason.
OK, I'm... not sure if I'm going back to work or straight to bed so I can get up super early and get some more work done then. In any case, time to stop talking/writing.
to my dear friends and family, I love you deeply. to people who I don't know who have somehow found this, um hi. Have a nice week. and any other category of friend, may you have an excellent week. ^_^
-I
I spent... how long have I been doing this... well, I was doing normal upkeep, cleaning, laundry, from maybe 2 to 4, and then going through my over-stuffed inbox until now, 8:30. This doesn't mean I did everything in my inbox. No no no, that is an entirely different step. I'm just trying to process it, for now. things that need to get filed, get filed, things that need to get done, get put in a location where I can look through them, either entered onto my computer todo list program, or in a bin with a sticky-note that tells me what needs to be done with them.
I am sad. I had this beautiful three day weekend, and I spent most of it just doing fun, playful things. I perhaps needed that, but I really wanted to get a whole lot done instead. I got... some stuff done. I'm still getting some stuff done. But not nearly as much as I would have liked.
I suppose I must be gentle on myself. But I'm not really being hard on myself about it. I just feel a bit anxious. like I'm not well prepared. That is maybe sadly inevitable though. I think I have a fair idea of how much time it would take me to feel well prepared, or at least reasonably prepared, for life to go on, and I'd put it at about two weeks of hard work. Maybe two and a half. If I was really pushing it, I could maybe get it all done in one and a half.
I need to be more of a machine in how I get stuff done. I'm trying to facilitate that by what I'm doing right now, organizing and setting up next actions with all of my todo's, so when I actually have some time to do it, I don't need to waste it trying to remember what I have to do or decide what the next step is.
I must say, as I get close to an empty inbox, it feels reaaaaly nice. papers filed, room cleaned, next actions clearly delineated. It makes for a clearer mind. Simpler. Over the summer, I had a tremendous amount of work, but I was able to do it pretty efficiently, because it was all very easy to put into todo lists and just go through them, checking them off as I went. I saw how long things were taking, I saw how much time I needed to finish them, and that itself created more motivation to keep working. I'd like to create that for myself, in a non-artificial way. School kind of does that for you, which is nice for getting an exceptional amount of work done, but in real life, you have to make your own assignments and rubrics, most of the time. One of those useful meta-skills we never bother to teach, for some reason.
OK, I'm... not sure if I'm going back to work or straight to bed so I can get up super early and get some more work done then. In any case, time to stop talking/writing.
to my dear friends and family, I love you deeply. to people who I don't know who have somehow found this, um hi. Have a nice week. and any other category of friend, may you have an excellent week. ^_^
-I
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