FOMO for Knowledge. CMHC vs MSW vs. PsyD. vs. Psychiatrist. Working on 80/20.

 I suppose I should do a little bit of waking life catch up. And I haven't been keeping track carefully of how many posts I am behind, so this one's just to be extra certain I'm caught up.

Classes have started up, and I've probably mentioned. I am again faced with the challenge of how much work to actually do, for my classes. There is a lot of work that is not worthwhile. There is also a lot that becomes worthless, when I try and cram it all together. Reading dense texts, for instance. There is only so much of that I can profitably do in a day. After a certain point, it is a bit like a teacup that has been overfilled, an additional tea is just pouring over the sides. However, I think it's even worse than that, as rather than keeping anything, it all kind of gets jumbled together into meaninglessness.

I think maybe something similar to what I did during my crunch time last semester, where I set aside a good but manageable chunk of time each day for reading, so I'm chipping away at it in manageable chunks, and actually retaining what I read. That, paired with ruthlessly skimming readings that don't seem to have much value.

I have FOMO when it comes to knowledge, I don't want anything to escape my grasp, but this is a fruitless approach, as there is infinite information. My new approach is to let my curiosity, interest and intuition guide me, in what I read deeply.

For assignments as well, I tend to do a good job on them, even when the learning I'm getting from them is negligible. I need to check in regularly, as I'm doing the assignment, and ask myself the question: is this actually helping me become a better counselor? If not, I need to let go a little bit of my standards. Not totally, but let go of the 80% extra work that is only giving me the 20% results. Classes have been fine, but nothing special. As I keep reading, it does seem like Clinical Mental Health Counselor is the least common of Psychologist, Social Worker, Counselor, Psychiatrist. It does make me question my choice a little, from a pragmatic, get a job perspective, but from what I've heard and read, it really should be fine, finding work with that degree.

OK, gotta go to my next meeting! And then to my Outdoor, Nature, and Adventure class. Where maybe the people teaching it don't know that much about it, since they are bringing in guest speakers for almost all the classes...

Dreams of the Galactic Empire Part 2, End of the Dream.

 OK, so after saving humanity from the alien invaders, I planned to disguise myself among the normal human populace, because I didn't want special treatment or media focus or anything. However, I gave the teammates I had been working with (a band of other superheros and such, kinda like the Avengers or Justice League) each an emergency communication device, so if there were every any big troubles, they could call for my help anywhere in the multiverse. I was planning on doing some travel and exploration.

I think, as I gave my farewell speech, it was in song form, maybe rhyming couplets, and though I don't remember most of it, the ending gist was that what I did and could do, anyone was capable of, it just required enough love. Then I disappeared and Clark Kent'ed, and was walking with some friends/students out of a university, trying to explain a bit more of how to do what I did. I talked about the secret power as compassion, or love, but was reminding the person I was explaining it to, that those were just words, fingers pointing to the moon, and not to mistake the finger, the word, for the actual thing, which was a feeling and a state of being, and not something small like romantic attraction. Which is why I tried using the word compassion rather than just love. They'd be able to find it some day though, they just needed to keep expanding their heart, along with surrender to that something higher. Then we reached the door out of the large elegant university, at the foot of a massive staircase with lots of other students streaming out, and I flew off, looking for beautiful lands to explore, and woke up.

It was a really nice dream.

I sometimes think about the idea that all the characters in one's dreams could be interpreted as parts of oneself. in which case, these nice lessons I give to 'students' are for me.

Dreams of Monsters

 This was an interesting part of a dream series. I was looking for insight, and so was not resisting exploring the deeper, darker, more mysterious or scary places in my dreams. I found a cave, and was going to go down into it. I started off with a little blood sacrifice in an alter above the cave entrance at the top of the hill, cutting my hand so a few drops of blood could splash into the alter, but when I tried to go down into the cave entrance, there was nothing there, it didn't go anywhere.

Then I was in my old childhood house, looking for the spookiest room, but it didn't feel scary. Finally, I decided to approach my most frequent childhood monster, the monsters under the bed that lived in the darkness. I put my hand down below the bed, waiting for a bite, but nothing, then I fully got off the bed and got on hands and knees, sticking my head right at the edge of the bed, looking directly under, at the monsters. They were there, balls of black fur and large mouths, but they didn't seem frightening at all. I gently picked one up on my hands, and it behaved like a little guinea pig, or small dog, moving around in a friendly and curious way in my cupped hands.

Reflecting on the dream, I wondered at it's meaning. Have I looked into all the dark corners and faced them enough, that there is no more great fears left? I certainly am not a perfectly happy and content individual yet, there are many areas for my own growth. But there was something comforting in not hiding but rather going directly into all the fearful corners of my own mind and finding them empty of fear.

And I suppose it is true, I don't spend much time these days afraid. My struggles have more to do with focus and letting go and living my life moment to moment in alignment with my own highest values. If there are challenges or uncomfortable things, I am pretty good about facing them. It is the unawareness and forgetfulness and distraction that are the enemy these days. Along with my ever limited number of hours in the day.

Oh, I forgot a cool part of my previous dream, I'll share it in the final catch-up post.

Dreams of the Galactic Empire

Ok, I think I'm 3 (posts) behind. Let's do some short ones. 

I can't remember if it was right before or after my birthday, but I had a really fun dream. It was one where I was very superpowered, closed to being able to do anything I could imagine. An alien invasion was threatening the human race, and after leading a group of survivors out of danger, partly by using a power to 'turn' some of the aliens, so that they were fighting for us, and flying alongside the last human starship as it was chased by an armada of alien ships, helping it escape.

I then faced the sky full of countless alien armada, and thought about weather to turn half of it against the other half and totally destroy it, or turn all of it, just enough to keep them from attacking humans again. I decided on the latter, because it seemed kinder, though the aliens were bizzaro creatures that didn't resemble anything even symmetrical, let alone human or animal. I also wondered at their place in the universal ecology, perhaps they protected the universe from an even greater threat, and destroying them would unleash it. Like taking an antibiotic destroying your beneficial intestinal biome which otherwise was there to outcompete invading bacteria. Perhaps they were protecting this universe from some scourge from beyond the stars.

It was a fun dream. I don't know how much meaning there is behind it, though it does make me think about the ethics of being able to change the minds of other beings.

I think I'll share another dream for my next post.

Birthday Blog 2024

 It's my birthday!

A lot has happened, so I thought I should write a post to remind myself of all that happened during the day.

First thing, I had weird dreams. Note to self, check dream journal if your interested.

Second, I got up early, as is my ritual to find the sunrise, my yearly soliomancy. Got up at 5:15am.

It was... not a pleasant soliomancy. It was a beautiful morning, and I knew where I was heading. But I was plagued by biting gnats the whole time, and my bike tires were flat and I couldn't find my air pump, and I forgot my bug spray, even though I picked up a bottle at one point, and had a plan for where and when I was going to take a bottle and put it in my fanny-pack. I didn't bring it, I didn't spray myself. And so, walking to the beautiful spot, waving my hands and slapping and clapping at the gnats, startling deer and birds with my loud and ungraceful walk. I made it to the spot, with frogs croaking, birds singing, and the sun rising, and tried not to be miserable, tried not to think with doom on what this meant for the coming year. Tried to enjoy it, while waving my hand furiously. I may have partially succeeded, but my internal negative thoughts were getting in the way.

First Sunrise (with gnats, no bugspray)

Long story short (I've got the extended version written somewhere. right after the dream journal entry, I think) I fled back home, pursued by the gnats, and then overprepared, looking for and eventually finding the bike pump, spraying myself liberally with bug spray, doing a bunch of other things I'd put off to make it to the sunrise on time, and then went back out, continuing to try and fight off my sour thoughts, to the same spot, a re-do of sorts, though the sun had already risen.

Second Sunrise (still gnats, but with bug spray it was ok.)

Perhaps the lesson is about preparing better ahead of time. Start early, drive slowly, arrive safely, as Baba says. Perhaps the gnats are a metaphor for the negative thoughts buzzing at my in my mind. Perhaps they are the thousand and one things buzzing for my attention and time while not being really important. Maybe the bug spray is surrender, or devotion to God, or trust in the benevolent wisdom of that which runs the universe. Perhaps this was all a reminder to accept trying situations as gifts of the universe for my growth towards lasting peace love and joy.

A pineapple weed flower I picked and enjoyed the smell of while watching the late sunrise, the second time around. I brought it back as a reminder of the pineapple weeds message: it grows in rocky inhospitable places where other plants can't survive, yet it smells so sweet and calming. Peace joy and love under difficult situations. Maybe it would have been good gnat repellant.

In any case, I came back, did some standard morning things, cuddled with Suzannah, meditated, and was able to get into a bit of a better mood.

I then gave myself a birthday gift. Rather than focusing one one thing I had to do after another in an endless slog, I allowed myself to spend the hour and a half I had before lunch, doing the one thing I'd been wanting to do the last two weeks of my break, but hadn't had time for, because there was just one thing after another that felt like they needed my attention.

I organized my office.

It was great and deeply satisfying and barely scratched the surface of what needs to get done. It made me a little sad, that I'd given myself so little time to do the thing I actually wanted to do. I used to spend most of my time just doing what I wanted to do, and would feel bad that I was shirking the things I was supposed to do so much. I guess the pendulum has swung rather far in the other direction now. I'm all duty and nothing that's just for me. It feels nice being responsible and doing things for others, but I think maybe there needs to be a better balance. I should spend more than an hour and a half once a year doing what I most want to do for myself. Not sure what I'll have to do to get more of it in my life, maybe some less important things for myself get put aside.

Then I had lunch with some of my best friends! I didn't actually eat lunch. I just had an hour long video call with them and chatted. One is currently in France, thus the specific time. I suppose time with my friends is something I do for myself, that is significantly more important to my happiness than organizing my office, so I guess I am doing that regularly, at least once a week. And time with my wife, pretty much every day. So perhaps it's not as bad as I'm making it sound (to myself). Maybe it's just that there are certain facets, that I really want but can live without, that I am ignoring, because I don't actually need them. Like living in a clean and orderly space. But maybe it's ok to give them to myself, a little bit more than I have been.

Then I had lunch. Suz got us takeout. Then I got a haircut. Then I went to the chiropractor to fix my jaw. Then I ran from there right to my nature outdoors and adventure therapy class. A guest lecturer talked about equine therapy. Not much student interaction.

Then I had leftovers for dinner and hung out with my best friends for another hour and a half. Because that's what I wanted to do for my birthday. Maybe there could have been even more fun things to do for my birthday, but I didn't have the energy/time to come up with something elaborate, especially as I'd already spent a bunch of time doing that for my Sunday party (maybe I talk about that in one of my catch-up posts.)

As we were chatting, there was a tornado watch. A tree fell on our house. Again. (I told you about the shed over winter right?)

My birthday storm/tornado warning tree falling outside my office (again)

Then there was a rainbow for a few seconds. it was gone by the time I turned back to it with my camera. My birthday storm.

Now I'm writing this listening to my birthday yagya. I'm about to post this, and switch to meditating and maybe journaling as I reflect on my intention for the yagya and for the year ahead. My wishes. I want to get through my schooling quickly, but I don't want it to make my life deeply unpleasant. I want to have joyful things I'm still doing. I don't want all the living upkeep to fall on Suzannah. I don't want to waste time on non-useful elements of my schooling. But I do want to keep and absorb the juicy useful bits.

I want to make good use of my time.

This year is kind of just a continuation of the last. I'm working on my degree. That's the main focus, with the goal of work I actually enjoy, am good at, and get paid well for. However, behind that shorter-term goal (though hopefully it will continue to be there throughout the rest of my life) is the real goal, the lifelong one that I must never lose sight of, my journey from small self to big Self. To liberation, realization, or whatever word you want to give it.

There are lots of small things I could wish for, and that I do wish for and work towards, but my main goal and the one I keep trying to come back to and focus on, is that overarching goal. That is my birthday wish.

Happy birthday!

Love, me.

By Alex Grey. Liberation.

Small Miracles, Letting Go, The Gift of Service.

Currently sitting in a kind of dirty feeling/smelling car repair waiting room, waiting for them to change my oil. On Sunday we’re driving out to Boulder Colorado for a few days and the oil change light is on, so it needs to happen. Not the most relaxing and inspiring place to write a blog post, but I’ve got a lot I want to get done during this precious break of mine, so trying not to waste the time. Also, the headphones I brought so I could listen to my book on tape have an audio jack rather than the lightning port that iPhones now use (why is apple always messing with connection types?) so I can’t do that.

I had a great residency class. It was all about practicing skills, very hands on, and I loved it. This is what I’m here for, not writing all these overdone and kinda pointless papers and too much reading for the time given. (Though the readings are generally good. Just too much assigned for the time available.) The professor I was assigned to was cool and knowledgeable and a good teacher who's style and philosophy I jived with, who was very willing to be called up by former students. Really grateful for that good fortune.

And the summer electives are looking good. One is a teacher that I’ve had before, and is fine, and the other is a teacher I’ve had a little bit, who is awesome.

My birthday is coming up soon! I should really figure out what I’m gonna do to celebrate and invite people! Haven’t done it yet though.

Earlier this week while I was going for a run, I saw a Luna moth on the side of the road. I tried to nudge it to move off the road, because I didn’t want it to get run over, but instead of moving away from my nudging hand, it climbed on. This was very cool, Luna moths are beautiful and huge, and I walked with it, looking for a safe spot to drop it off, however, when I offered it a tree branch, it didn’t want to go. So I shrugged and started jogging back home.

This is not my picture, but so you have an idea of what it looks like and it's size in relation to a hand:

Photo credit: https://www.chrysalis-studios.com/single-post/2018/07/08/raising-releasing-luna-moths-in-nc

I thought once I got home I could take my time letting it crawl off me onto a tree, and I could also take a picture of it on my hand, because that was super cool. However, part of the way there, it started moving, so I checked again, offering it a nearby tree branch, and it took it and crawled onto the tree.

I felt blessed to be able to hold it for a while, and happy that I knew to let it go when it wanted to, rather than selfishly trying to hold onto it so I could get a picture. 

Opportunities to serve are gifts.

Continuing to think about priorities and this short precious life I have, as I look at the list of things I want to get done this break and listen to "Smarter Faster Better" by Charles Duhigg.

So far, birthday plans: Haircut. Massage. Yagya. Sunrise wander. Class (I've got one of my classes on that day.) Not sure yet what I want to do for spending time with friends, or if I want to do that on a weekend or something.

I'm getting old... 38. Huh.

-Isaac out-

Full speed, slow down, or do less?

 Still a week behind, but that shouldn't be too surprising given it was the last two weeks before spring break (woo!) which kind of just started a few minutes ago.

That's right, I finally have an honest to goodness break, where my time is my own. Nothing clarifies how precious that is like an overwhelming amount of work to put it into perspective.

I'm really thinking hard about how I want to go about the rest of my degree. Full speed, or slow down a bit and take an extra 9 months or so. This semester, especially the last month, has shown that I can make full speed work. However, it entails a number of sacrifices, things that I need to let drop... or doing a significantly worse job at school. Honestly, that might be the best option. There are a lot of elements of school that are low reward to the amount of time put into them. My goal is to be a good counselor, not a good student. The 'good student' part of me unnecessarily wants to do a bang-up job on papers and reading every last bit of textbook. It is hard to stop it, but it may be useful to do so.

The fact is, I appear to be overwriting all my papers. I know this because even when I ease up a bit on time input and thus quality, I still get really good grades. And, as I've experienced with my teaching degree, taking longer and going more in-depth with classes would have prepared me approximately 0% better for actually being a teacher. So likely the best option is focusing on getting better at "doing less." and maintain my current class load.

However, if I do that, I need to somehow ensure that I am actually doing less school work, and more of the other, really important things in my life. I think my best friend for that is time blocking. That is, deciding "OK, I'm going to get this first draft done in the next 3 hours." and then try and hold myself to that. And then, just maintaining a steady work pace, putting in a few hours every day towards those time-blocked goals, so it doesn't bunch up at the end of the semester.

However, I can't do that much ahead of things, because professors have an ultimately benevolent tendency to cancel, change, or reduce papers/projects a week before they are due, because that's when they realize the syllabus is way too much work. In any case, I will continue to try reducing how much time I spend on low-value assignments, and then carving out more time for important things, like rest, love, family, and spirituality, along with learning that is relevant to what I want to be doing.

I guess we'll see how the summer semester goes and then I'll decide if I'm staying at 3 classes for fall or going down to 2.

Tomorrow I get to sit down and figure out what I want to do with my break! 

With love,

I out!