Birthday Blog 2024

 It's my birthday!

A lot has happened, so I thought I should write a post to remind myself of all that happened during the day.

First thing, I had weird dreams. Note to self, check dream journal if your interested.

Second, I got up early, as is my ritual to find the sunrise, my yearly soliomancy. Got up at 5:15am.

It was... not a pleasant soliomancy. It was a beautiful morning, and I knew where I was heading. But I was plagued by biting gnats the whole time, and my bike tires were flat and I couldn't find my air pump, and I forgot my bug spray, even though I picked up a bottle at one point, and had a plan for where and when I was going to take a bottle and put it in my fanny-pack. I didn't bring it, I didn't spray myself. And so, walking to the beautiful spot, waving my hands and slapping and clapping at the gnats, startling deer and birds with my loud and ungraceful walk. I made it to the spot, with frogs croaking, birds singing, and the sun rising, and tried not to be miserable, tried not to think with doom on what this meant for the coming year. Tried to enjoy it, while waving my hand furiously. I may have partially succeeded, but my internal negative thoughts were getting in the way.

First Sunrise (with gnats, no bugspray)

Long story short (I've got the extended version written somewhere. right after the dream journal entry, I think) I fled back home, pursued by the gnats, and then overprepared, looking for and eventually finding the bike pump, spraying myself liberally with bug spray, doing a bunch of other things I'd put off to make it to the sunrise on time, and then went back out, continuing to try and fight off my sour thoughts, to the same spot, a re-do of sorts, though the sun had already risen.

Second Sunrise (still gnats, but with bug spray it was ok.)

Perhaps the lesson is about preparing better ahead of time. Start early, drive slowly, arrive safely, as Baba says. Perhaps the gnats are a metaphor for the negative thoughts buzzing at my in my mind. Perhaps they are the thousand and one things buzzing for my attention and time while not being really important. Maybe the bug spray is surrender, or devotion to God, or trust in the benevolent wisdom of that which runs the universe. Perhaps this was all a reminder to accept trying situations as gifts of the universe for my growth towards lasting peace love and joy.

A pineapple weed flower I picked and enjoyed the smell of while watching the late sunrise, the second time around. I brought it back as a reminder of the pineapple weeds message: it grows in rocky inhospitable places where other plants can't survive, yet it smells so sweet and calming. Peace joy and love under difficult situations. Maybe it would have been good gnat repellant.

In any case, I came back, did some standard morning things, cuddled with Suzannah, meditated, and was able to get into a bit of a better mood.

I then gave myself a birthday gift. Rather than focusing one one thing I had to do after another in an endless slog, I allowed myself to spend the hour and a half I had before lunch, doing the one thing I'd been wanting to do the last two weeks of my break, but hadn't had time for, because there was just one thing after another that felt like they needed my attention.

I organized my office.

It was great and deeply satisfying and barely scratched the surface of what needs to get done. It made me a little sad, that I'd given myself so little time to do the thing I actually wanted to do. I used to spend most of my time just doing what I wanted to do, and would feel bad that I was shirking the things I was supposed to do so much. I guess the pendulum has swung rather far in the other direction now. I'm all duty and nothing that's just for me. It feels nice being responsible and doing things for others, but I think maybe there needs to be a better balance. I should spend more than an hour and a half once a year doing what I most want to do for myself. Not sure what I'll have to do to get more of it in my life, maybe some less important things for myself get put aside.

Then I had lunch with some of my best friends! I didn't actually eat lunch. I just had an hour long video call with them and chatted. One is currently in France, thus the specific time. I suppose time with my friends is something I do for myself, that is significantly more important to my happiness than organizing my office, so I guess I am doing that regularly, at least once a week. And time with my wife, pretty much every day. So perhaps it's not as bad as I'm making it sound (to myself). Maybe it's just that there are certain facets, that I really want but can live without, that I am ignoring, because I don't actually need them. Like living in a clean and orderly space. But maybe it's ok to give them to myself, a little bit more than I have been.

Then I had lunch. Suz got us takeout. Then I got a haircut. Then I went to the chiropractor to fix my jaw. Then I ran from there right to my nature outdoors and adventure therapy class. A guest lecturer talked about equine therapy. Not much student interaction.

Then I had leftovers for dinner and hung out with my best friends for another hour and a half. Because that's what I wanted to do for my birthday. Maybe there could have been even more fun things to do for my birthday, but I didn't have the energy/time to come up with something elaborate, especially as I'd already spent a bunch of time doing that for my Sunday party (maybe I talk about that in one of my catch-up posts.)

As we were chatting, there was a tornado watch. A tree fell on our house. Again. (I told you about the shed over winter right?)

My birthday storm/tornado warning tree falling outside my office (again)

Then there was a rainbow for a few seconds. it was gone by the time I turned back to it with my camera. My birthday storm.

Now I'm writing this listening to my birthday yagya. I'm about to post this, and switch to meditating and maybe journaling as I reflect on my intention for the yagya and for the year ahead. My wishes. I want to get through my schooling quickly, but I don't want it to make my life deeply unpleasant. I want to have joyful things I'm still doing. I don't want all the living upkeep to fall on Suzannah. I don't want to waste time on non-useful elements of my schooling. But I do want to keep and absorb the juicy useful bits.

I want to make good use of my time.

This year is kind of just a continuation of the last. I'm working on my degree. That's the main focus, with the goal of work I actually enjoy, am good at, and get paid well for. However, behind that shorter-term goal (though hopefully it will continue to be there throughout the rest of my life) is the real goal, the lifelong one that I must never lose sight of, my journey from small self to big Self. To liberation, realization, or whatever word you want to give it.

There are lots of small things I could wish for, and that I do wish for and work towards, but my main goal and the one I keep trying to come back to and focus on, is that overarching goal. That is my birthday wish.

Happy birthday!

Love, me.

By Alex Grey. Liberation.