Stockdale, One Week at a Time, Mental Toughness

 - Newsletter: 90% done. (Waiting for pictures to add)

- Taxes: Unknown, but as done as I could get them currently, still waiting for some documents and some advice, but done from my side.

- EHV certification: no further progress currently

- General upkeep: my room and desk are still a mess, but I did vacuum. Doing so-so.

I apologize if my blog posts have been boring or depressing, these last few years. But I’d say it’s an accurate representation of my life. I’ve been struggling with many of the same things, mostly unhappily, in regards to my work. My relationship is wonderful, but there isn’t much time or energy to do anything that interesting or adventurous. I’m constantly grateful for it, and I’d be doing a lot worse without it, but overall I’m still not happy with my life, since most of it is spent doing a job that exhausts me and I feel bad at and fundamentally incompatible with. There are several elements of the job that I really care about though, which kept me going when it was rough, and even now when I don’t see any hope of my experience fundamentally changing, keeps me here through the end of the year. 

I love the kids. I love my mentor. I love teaching, especially stuff that falls under the ‘life skills’ or ‘spirituality’ category. Hopefully I’ll be able to do something that involves those things afterwards, but doesn’t involve much of the things that really bring me down, like discipline, classroom management, multi-tasking, and… not sure what to call it… I just notice that good teachers are consistently moving all their kids forwards on all the different important subjects at a good pace, and I don’t feel like I do that very well. A mixture of organization, time-efficiency, curriculum savvy, motivation/accountability, discipline, and maybe some other stuff as well. Probably part of why I don’t do it well is I don’t fully understand what’s necessary to do it well.

Anyhoo. Report on my technique from last week, of focusing on one week at a time: mixed results, but I will continue, with a tweak. First, I didn’t have time last time to mention the source of the idea, which was basically the mental toughness training of Navy SEALs and other such programs, especially during their ‘hell week(s).’ They all have an initial period of extreme intensity, which is kind of designed to weed out those that don’t have the commitment necessary. What many of them say who make it through is that you need to set your goals small enough that it seems manageable. ‘Let me just get through the next day/hour/ten minutes/pushup.’ However small you need to make it to seem possible. 

There is a catch though, that I came up against. Along with that idea, I also was imagining “what if this was my last week here?” That thought gave me a sense of freedom and relaxation, along with a willingness to focus and go hard. It worked until I got to the end of the week, and it wasn’t actually the last week. Then it felt far worse. It makes me think of the Stockdale paradox, named for a… sergeant? General? I don’t remember exactly, but Stockdale and a bunch of other U.S. solders were in a prison camp, far from home. Stockdale ended up being something of a leader to the rest of the men, and what he observed was, the ones who survived till the end, had faith that they would make it, but also believed it would be hard and take a while. Those who didn’t have any faith that they’d make it, died. Those that had faith that they’d make it out soon, also died. At first they were enthusiastic, but once the day they had set in their mind as when they’d be free by came around, and they were still in the prison camp, they were crestfallen. After several of those disappointments, they died too. It was mainly those who had faith, but also reality (that it would likely be a long time before they got out) were able to sustain the motivation to keep themselves going, until they finally were released.

So I am continuing the ‘one week at a time’ goal, but removing the imagined thought that this will be the last week. My goal is just to get through this next week, with honor and grace. That is, doing my job to the best of my ability, and enjoying my life to the best of my ability (and learning as much as I can from my time here.) That seems best. I also reminded myself that everything is ether something to be enjoyed, or something to learn from. “What is this teaching me?” Is a fruitful question, in my current situation. I’d explain why and what I’m learning from it, but it’s time to go. Goodbye for this week,

-Isaac

One week at a time.

-Taxes

-EHV Certification

-General upkeep

-Monthly newsletter

These are my main todo's on deck right now.

I've been playing around with various approaches to deal with the extended Sunday night blues I was feeling starting Thursday. (It was spring break, and the longer my break, the longer I spend being sad that it's about to end, usually.) So far, I've meditated and prayed and come up with some things to focus on as goals for the next few months, and approaches to take. But I'm out of time so I'll just share one that came from a different source. I discovered that if I just think about one week at a time, it's much more bearable. So, all I have to do is get through this one week. That's my frame, anyways.

Sorry, out of time!

Bye for now,

-Isaac

The Last Homely House, Saint Crispin.

 I'm on spring break this week, and it feels like the last comfort before I plunge in to the final 3 month stretch of intensity with my job. This is known to anyone who reads my blog with any regularity, but I work too many hours, and I am exhausted at the end of the day, partly because of the hours, partly the nature of the job, but I think mainly because it's not a good match for me. Enforcing discipline and multitasking and being constantly socially "on" is not my forte, and it's what I do all day every day. There's probably more and maybe I'm not capturing the essence of what makes me dread going to work every Monday, but let's move on. 

The mixture of lack of time and lack of energy means very little gets done, aside from keeping my head above water. A week long break like this is the only chance to get ahead, to pick up my messy office, to take on some of the interesting projects I've been wanting to do that require longer stretches of time to accomplish.

It feels like the fellowship of the ring stopping at Rivendell, just ahead of the dark riders, for a brief breather, before continuing on into the wilds and uncertainty of the dangerous quest.

I've got two more three day weekends, but really only one that will help, since the last one is just a week before the end of school. But three day weekends are just enough time to do a little something fun with Suzannah and convalesce to full recovery, not make any headway on anything new.

So, I begin the work and preparation part of my spring break with trepidation, worried I won't get all the things laid in place that I want to get done. If I don't do it now, then that's it. There are realistically no more opportunities until the job ends and the ring is cast into the fires of Mount Doom. Really I just have one major thing that needs to get done, so perhaps I should focus my efforts on that, but I would really like to get my office a little cleaner and my todo's collected into one place so I can have some confidence that I'm not forgetting something important.

I suspect that when I finally get to the end, I won't have the energy to properly celebrate. It will be like someone crawling through the desert, finally reaching the oasis. I will let my head fall into the pellucid waters, and drink with my head flopped halfway underwater, before rolling over, coughing, and passing out. It may take a few days to switch out of the mindset of the determined soldier, marching against the wind, focusing only on taking one more step at a time. The end is as yet too far away to be encouraging to think about. Perhaps when it is two or three weeks away, I can start looking forward to it.

Hmm. Thinking about it that way, perhaps I will get excited around then, and it will be the run of the desert go-er who has spotted an oasis on the horizon, for the last bit of time. 

I suppose there is a little difference being three months out. I'm willing to go a bit harder than I otherwise would. I know that I will be able to rest in a few months, so if I push a little extra hard now, it will be alright. I can forgo some play and relaxation during this break, so I can set plans in motion for my education and learning over the next few months. I still need to pace myself, but I can set a somewhat faster pace.

OK, here we go. Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more into the breach. And perhaps soon will be Saint Crispin's Day.

-I Out

Reframing, Service, Unknown Causes

 I’ve been unusually tip-able in the last two days. Easier to get irritated or flustered or down. Not really sure why. 

I’m looking forward to my spring break week coming up super soon, (yay!) but I’m much much more excited about my summer break that has no established end point. I can’t see any possibility of continuing on with the current job in the current configuration. It’s slowly killing me, like a plant that’s not getting enough sun. I might theoretically consider staying on if I was offered to work half time and keep my long vacations, but I know Suzannah really misses her friends and family back in Iowa. And I don’t know if that’s even a possibility and don’t plan on asking. I don’t want to insult my boss by making unreasonable requests, especially if even with them fulfilled I don’t know if I’d stay.

Ultimately, after a good long real break and honeymoon, I want to get back to at least part-time work, but I’m still gonna be on a mission to find work that feels right. Being a classic teacher, at least full time, doesn’t feel right. And I’m not sure part time will be better qualitatively, it may just be quantitatively better, less of a bad thing, so to speak. I don’t want to talk ill of the children, I love the kids. But what I’m asked to do, day to day, really doesn’t seem like a good fit. I’m not sure whether a small tweak will do, or if it needs to be big/drastic. So I’m going to have to do some experimenting.

I’m trying really hard to stay present in the moment day to day, but there is a tremendous pull from the huge, deep longing I have to finally be free of this whole 5 year adventure. It’s interesting to note, that it was bearable, despite the unpleasantness, because there was purpose and hope in my striving. Now that I no longer hold out hope for this kind of work becoming work I love and am good at, I have no protection from the unpleasantness. It just feels like months of my life I’m wasting, doing something I know I don’t want to do long term

Currently I’m trying to reframe it as service: I’m doing a service to the children and the school, at a time where teachers are hard to find. As such, I must give it my best, every day. There are people relying on me, people I’m trying to help, even if the way I’m helping isn’t necessarily with the skills I’m most comfortable with. That way there is still a strong purpose in what I’m doing, something to push me forward and keep me focused. “How can I best be of service?” Is the question directing me.

Anyhoo, that’s my current experiment for trying to deal gracefully with my current situation. I kind of want to journal and explore what exactly it is that makes Sunday nights so unpleasant, and why I so strongly don’t want to continue with this work. I think I’ll save that for my journal, until I’m a bit clearer on it. Though one thing I’m super clear on is I really dislike having so little time to myself. I feel chronically behind, and don’t you dare say that’s just my issue. It may be my issue but it is ALSO the fact that I genuinely have very little time to myself. That needs to change for me to be at my best and happiest. That one point is crystal clear.

OK, by for now, take care, be well,

-Isaac

No time for a title (yet again.) More random job musings.

 So, here I am with an abundance of time (18 minutes) at the end of lunch, to write a blog post. Perhaps I’ll try and write less, but more thoughtfully. Perhaps I’ll try to be a bit more cheery. I’ll tell you what gives me cheer: 3 months. Three months and change to go. I’ve already talked with my mentor about how I’m thinking of leaving, but I think they still have hope that I’ll change my mind. I suppose miracles are possible. But it doesn’t seem likely.

I could imagine myself staying here if I was offered part-time work. Where I only had to come in the mornings or afternoons or something. That’s probably what I’ll do until I figure out something better, when I’m back in Fairfield. Once I’m done taking a nice long well deserved break and honeymoon. But my wife sorely misses Fairfield, and that is a large factor in my considerations. If this job really turned out to be my dream job, then it would be worth the move away from our friends and community, but as it has turned out to be more lesson on perseverance and doing hard and uncomfortable things, it seems unreasonable to keep Suzannah here for that. I can get that anywhere.

I’m getting excellent experience as a classroom teacher, but, I don’t like being a classroom teacher. Hopefully the experience will transfer to whatever I end up doing. It will certainly transfer to being a dad at least. But again, moving away from friends and for Suzannah, from family and a deeply rooted community, for something like that, experience that I hope will transfer to whatever I actually want to do (whenever I figure that out)… the scales don’t balance.

So I continue my lessons in patience, perseverance, non-attachment to success or having time or being well rested. And to working on several areas that I’m both weak and uncomfortable in, and working on doing that with grace and peace. As I’ve said before, even if I’m not having a good time, I can always find gratitude for the opportunity to learn valuable lessons.

My mentor asked me why I always had the Sunday night blues, and I didn’t have an answer, but recently I reflected back and I think the answer is quite simple. It is the natural response of realizing I’m about to go back to a job I don’t want to be doing. She recently mentioned something about thinking about your job as service, rather than a job. I think she was trying to help me find a way to enjoy the job more, but I’ve always thought of this job as service. I’m not doing it for the pay, I’m not doing it because it’s a job where I can coast. I’m doing it because I want to be of service. That’s still not enough to make it something I look forward to.

I do look forward to helping children, teaching them valuable life lessons, helping them grow into the best versions of themselves, and sharing my excitement about learning with them. I really do not look forward to the endless classroom management, behavioral management, micromanaging, constantly having to be “on” and scanning the room and pushing the kids who are just goofing off to keep working. I don’t really like the in depth tracking of so many variables required, and I really do not like the constant multitasking necessary to plan things and run a classroom and teach and etc. All the little moving pieces I need to keep in my head, all the things I need to do quickly while also having two other things going on at the same time. I don’t like how little time I have to think and plan without having to multitask and keep an eye on the the classroom. I don’t like how little time and energy I have period.

OK, that’s it, gotta go!

By for now,

-Isaac

The Romance of Work; an Analogy

 Tuesday is the Monday of this week, because I had a three day weekend (thank you presidents). As I mentioned, I’m trying to live in the moment and get the most out of my remaining time here at my job. Whenever the going gets tough though, it becomes increasingly hard not to think desperately about the summer. Whenever I have a long weekend or vacation, the time right before coming back is that much more unpleasant, as I’ve had a greater taste of freedom. 

I continue to use my analogy of relationships here. Back before I had a girlfriend, I convinced myself that having one wouldn’t make a difference, wouldn’t make me happy, so I mine as well learn how to be happy right now, without one. That turned out to be both true and false. Having a girlfriend did assuage some of my lonely-ness, and much of my need for physical affection. (I still think it’s kind of sad how an adult male has so few outlets for physical affection aside from a romantic partner. Sometimes you just want to be groomed like a happy primate in its tribe.)

However, being part of an unhealthy romantic relationship was destructive to my overall happiness and productivity, and the rest of my friendships. On the other hand, when I finally found/co-created a healthy relationship, life was clearly and objectively better along pretty much every measure, or at least not worse.

This long digression is to illustrate what I’m going through now: there is a definite “grass is greener” mentality, that once I’m out of this job, I’ll finally be able to relax and play and be happy and have energy and time for all the things I want to do. There is another part saying that’s a fallacy, and if I’m not happy now, I’ll carry that into whatever circumstances. And I think the actually correct answer is probably something like with relationships. Some changes will improve some things, and worsen others, but once I find work that really clicks, it will make everything objectively better.

In the meantime, I might as well work on what I’ve got. My Sunday night blues recently gave me another chance to reflect on my issues around time: the nagging feeling of not getting enough done with the day, and my self-fulfilling prophecy of doom when I sleep in.

It’s kind of a no-win situation: I’m exhausted by the weekend, so I need to catch-up on rest. But when I sleep in, I feel like I’ve already wasted much of my most productive hours of potential work.

About 3.5 months to go. Really not that long. Really.

-I out

Navy Seal training, reframing struggle, intense activity + self-acceptance.

 I want to think more about this new perspective on work, so perhaps you get another post this week. Or perhaps I’ll just save it for next week, though I’m writing it on Wednesday.

Previously, as I was struggling to get through the days, I was giving myself mini-goals: just get through the day, just get through to the weekend, etc. Currently, I don’t feel like doing that, which I think is a good thing. I’m not trying to “get through” the day now. I’m trying to make best use of the day.

I have a lot of baggage, as probably almost everybody does, around failure, or being bad at something. I get to experience that multiple times a day. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to belabor the point, but I’m not a good teacher. I’m not awful, but to be really good requires many years, and I’m not even a promising start. I’m lousy at a lot of things that many starting teachers are at least possible at. Or I was. I might be about neutral at this point on the worst of them, and some positive. But I wouldn’t want my kid in my class. They’d probably be decently happy, but they would have to be a self-starter to be getting a proper education. If they were a reluctant learner, they’d get left behind. They’re not getting left behind, in this case, because my mentor is in the classroom as well, making sure things stay up to snuff.

Anyhoo, that’s a digression. The point is, I am continually faced with my inadequacy. But that’s not actually a fundamental problem. It still falls into the category of “nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.” I don’t have to believe there’s anything wrong with my poor performance. It could just be a goal that I’m working towards, something I’m working on learning. However, it’s hard to take that unattached attitude. But, I get numerous chances per day. Lucky me.

As I currently see it, this experience is giving me the opportunity to face repeatedly a list of issues of mine, and practice non-attachment and acceptance and self inquiry on them.

- feeling bad about being bad at something or failing at it

- feeling bad about being tired or just generally feeling burnt out or worn out

- feeling bad about not having enough time, and poorly using the time I have (because I’m feeling tired)

OK, it’s Monday next week, so I guess this will be this weeks post. Great! Already mostly written. My thoughts on it haven’t changed. While some of the newness of the approach have worn off, there is definitely a greater… I guess you could call it ‘comfort with the discomfort.’ Of my work. The fact that I have a clear purpose behind every day makes me feel better about my days and my time. I’m not just waiting out the months. I’m utilizing a valuable opportunity to grow.

Nobody likes doing things that are uncomfortable. Actually, maybe there are some people who have figured out how to like that. Good on them. But very few. It is hard to make ourselves do uncomfortable things. But having a classroom full of kids and fellow workmates relying on me is sufficient motivation to get me up and doing my best in an uncomfortable situation. After this job, I don’t see much likelihood of me being in another long-term situation that is this uncomfortable in fundamental ways. I’m going to be more selective or at least, require shorter commitment periods, for my trials. So I may not get many opportunities to be this uncomfortable, or be pressed up against my lack of good fit for so much of the day, day after day. So this is a valuable opportunity.

I get to become really comfortable doing things I’m not good at, not having enough time or expertise to solve things well, or have a good amount of time/energy to give to things outside of work. And that is all ok. Why not? It is the thinking about a situation that makes it ‘bad.’

I think what may have prevented me from understanding this was when I realized this job was probably fundamentally not a good fit for me. Some people are meant to be gregarious and work with groups and lots of people most of the time, and that gives them energy. Some people get energy from quiet introspective time. Trying to give jobs that don’t fit those dispositions is a recipe for discontent and burnout. There are several elements like that in my current job. And any past classroom teacher jobs. This job is certainly the best most supportive I’ve had yet or could hope for. Part of my certainty that it’s not fundamentally a good fit is because of that. If it could every work, it would be here. But again, that is only a problem if I think it’s a problem. I may start steering myself away from such jobs, but these’s nothing wrong with being in one. It’s just uncomfortable and tiring. It’s ok to be those things. I wouldn’t intentionally sign up for it in most cases, but it’s fine.

So that’s my current approach. Face the challenges with courage and acceptance and learn from them. And understand that some of what I’m learning is not specifically about how to be a good teacher, it’s about how to be a courageous human being who has faith in the universe/God. It’s about how to do my best even when I’m not feeling my best. And it’s about accepting myself as I am.

And, as I get more comfortable with all of that, there begins to open up a little more room for experimentation and focusing on how to get better at my job as well, because I’m not feeling as discordant and despondent. I was just listening to a book summary of something a navy seal wrote on leadership and achievement, and there are some parallels with what I’m doing, which is also hard, and uncertain, and tiring, but requires intense motivation and action.

OK, definitely done for the day/week. Gotta get back to the other things on my plate.

Take care,

-Isaac