anger, peace, change

wrote a super long ranty post that I could never post.
I'm angry about how long it took me to put together my album today
I'm angry about something else that's probably not appropriate to talk about on a public forum because I'm trying not to talk poorly about anyone. (if you know me well enough to know about this blog, it's almost certainly not about you. this wasn't someone I knew.)

I'm a little worried about my anger. It leads to the dark side, yoda says.
In any case, it's kind of unusual for me, and I don't like it. It's not helpful. Anger can let you know when your boundaries are being crossed, but it can also be destructive. When you unleash it onto the world, you're the one who ends up getting it back, many times over. Maybe not in the form of people yelling at you, but certainly it causes negative effects.

I think a large part of it is I'm trying so hard to do... kinda everything. A lot. And there are only so many hours in the day. So when something gets in the way, it's really frustrating. Like being late for a meeting, while a loooong line of ducklings are slowly crossing the road.

when things are in the way, it makes you want to bash them out of the way. But when it's people, if you try and bash them out of the way, they bash back. Verbal hits, in this day and age, more than physical.

In any case, ultimately most of my anger is about trying to change and control the world, being not ok with what is, and trying to fight it. The solution is trust and acceptance. One of my favorit personal growth teachers had a phrase she would repeat to herself often: "surrender, trust, accept" (not sure if it was in that order, or if order mattered). If you can do that, anger cannot control you. And from that peaceful base, change can happen much more deeply and profoundly. Think Martin Luther King or Gandhi.

So, perhaps that is my test these days: intense dedicated activity, without the clenching attachment that leads to frustration and anger.