I'm noticing that despite my intention to catch up on these, I think I am actually continuing to get further behind. And this is during my off weeks, when I supposedly have more time. What does this mean?
- maybe being off my normal schedule means that my normal habitual things don't get done as regularly
- maybe I just have a habit of trying to always pack too much into the time I have, and it doesn't matter if it's 'vacation' or school.
- maybe I really want to get some specific things done during the break and so other stuff is falling by the wayside even more than usual.
- maybe something else that I haven't identified.
Suzannah's aunt passed last Friday. It's been hard on her, both emotionally, and just in terms of organizing the funeral service and various related things. I've been trying to be a support for her, as she is kind of a support for the rest of the family. Many other friends have come out to be supports as well, it's really touching to see all the love she has around her. It is understandable, I certainly think she's wonderful, and so it's no surprise other people do as well. But it's nice to see.
Likewise, it was nice to see all the support and love from people, for Joyce (that's the name of Suzannah's aunt that passed). She was also a really lovely person, who never wanted to be a bother, was patient, was accepting, was soft spoken and kind. She also was wonderfully creative, and had several rooms full of paintings, quilts, and other things she had created over her lifetime. And she had some traveling adventures as well, kind of breaking the mold or expectations one might have for her. I think I would be happy if I had as much love and beauty left behind me as she does.
It makes me want to make sure I do so, with my life, while I'm alive. And makes me think about how I want to do so. It won't look like how anyone else does it, so what does it look like for me?
At the same time, what I most want with my life is to have used it diligently for what I believe the purpose of life is, which does not require leaving a legacy, though a life well lived, seems likely to leave a positive impression on the world. I suppose there is still a part of me from my childhood that wants to be a superhero and save the world, or fix it, but another part of me is trying not to be attached to the fruits of action, per the advice in the Bhagavad Gita. Though part of that advice is so one's action can be more effective. It is a real riddle, sorting out how intensity and non-attachment can co-exist, but I'm sure you want both.
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