Musings and mental wanderings

What does it mean to lead a worthwhile life? I think it was Aristotle who framed the question as "what is the good life?"

It's not actually that complex, I think. I feel like I have an internal compass, that I can always turn to and simply ask, "what's the best thing I could be doing right now?" and then wait quietly, expectantly, but without pushing, and I'll get an answer. I'll get the best answer I can come up with. That is "doing my best." and as long as I feel I'm doing that, I can have peace.

The trouble is just in this: sometimes I forget to ask the question, to take the pause. Sometimes, for some reason, I don't want to take the pause and ask the question. Perhaps I am afraid of the answer I will get. Which is a little silly. But there it is.

There is more complexity to it, as I learn the specific things I need to learn to get better, or to learn how to do something I need to do. But it can ultimately be boiled down to that. Ask "what's the best I can do." And do it. Then enjoy, or learn from it, or both.

I need more hugs in my life. More social warmth. And a better weekend sleep routine. Sleep hygiene, they call it nowadays. Healthier to keep the time regular, and allow a wind-down before bed, not look at the blue light of cellphone and computer screens right before bed.

Anyhoo, short post this week. I'm getting better, little step by little step, returning to center and balance more quickly after getting knocked off. But the steps are small. They key is not getting discouraged, and not giving up. Gentle steady pressure towards growth. Finally I have almost all of one chunk of my Montessori training homework done. I followed my plan Saturday of not looking at email or internet etc. at all in the morning until I finished the homework I set out to do. I spent less time on it than I planned, but I did complete all the things I set myself to do. Next week I'll set a more ambitious goal, and aim for better sleep hygiene. One little step at a time.

This evening I plan to get done some of my class planning so I don't feel rushed tomorrow morning. little improvements. Drop by drop, a bucket is filled. Step by step, a journey is completed. Continual progress, not impossible perfection.

I want to end with something uplifting. The clear night sky where I live is so beautiful. When I look up at the stars, I'm filled with the beauty, and the vastness. I feel my little body and little problems shrink down to insignificance, compared to that awesome beauty and scale. It feels like a pressure on my heart is released and I can breathe. Similar to the feeling of when I'm really letting myself trust in God, in Spirit and it's flowing pathway laid out for me. One of the spiritual people I read said something like, to truly be a devotee, to surrender fully to God and lay yourself in his hands, you must develop the feeling that not even a blade of grass moves, but that he allows it to. That everything happens for your good. It's a comforting thought, if you actually believe it. Like the thought that we are eternal, spiritual beings, having a human experience in a physical body. It makes things less scary. Even if you don't have that specific certainty, just the general belief that God, the intelligence behind the universe, is unconditionally loving and benevolent. I really do think that is so, ultimately. But I still often forget ;-)

Good night, good week.
-Isaac

Addiction flavored brain states (probably sweet and salty)

(wrote this earlier in the week, posting on the weekend)

In a fit of acute clarity, I noticed that even when I tried to play a video game for a very short, reasonable amount of time--about 45 minutes--there was an unforeseen issue that made doing that inefficient.

If I could work hard, and then enjoy myself for a little bit at night with a really good game (currently I've been playing Breath of the Wild, which is like a Mozart Symphony in video game form, a masterpiece of the form, though not without flaws) that would be ideal. A nice balance of work and play. I tried that last night (as of this writing), setting an alarm for 40 minutes, giving me a few minutes to wind down. It probably went more like 50 minutes, but still, that's reasonable.

The unexpected thing was that afterward, I found myself in what felt like a different brain mode. Whereas before playing, I was feeling very self-disciplined, regimented, focused, ready to do all the good things I knew were good for me, like going to bed on time and eating my greens, afterward I had switched over to... what to call it... a less self-regulated flavor of thinking.  rather than brushing my teeth and going to bed, I found myself dallying, reading this and that, and not getting to bed until around 10pm, instead of around 9.

An hour of play it absolutely OK. But if it requires an extra hour of... 'cool down' to get back into my feel-good do-good groove, and leaves me with a craving for more, rather than satiety,... I don't know about that.

I finally ended up reading a really good version of the Ramayana to wind down for bed, and a spiritual audio recording, and that felt so much better. I felt nourished, comforted, filled. I had to wonder why I would do the other thing to myself, when it left me discontented and craving.

Made me think of what I'd learned about the brain and addiction. So much of what our society does triggers dopamine and that brain cycle. People mistakenly think of dopamine as the feel-good chemical, but it is actually more like the craving chemical. It doesn't so much make you feel good, as make you want to feel good, often by doing very specific things. And those things tend to make you feel good short term, but then crave them even more.

Verses other things that make you feel good, and then leave you sated.

I think the clearest example of this is with bedtime reading: most modern novels are dopamine kicks: anything that you'd call 'a page turner' is setting you up chapter after chapter with cliffhangers and rising tension. Even though you're exhausted, something is pushing you to find out how it all ends, so you can get some closure. But even once you've gotten that closure, you're nervous system is all jazzed up from the excitement, and often results in weird dreams, because lots of intense and scary stuff was happening in the story. And almost always it ends with yet another cliff-hanger at the end of the book. Pure cruelty, serving the bottom line of business, making you need to buy that next book, when it comes out.

Versus, lets say, some uplifting spiritual literature: this also, if done well, lifts you up, makes you feel good, but it's not a page turner. it may be fascinating, but somehow, the whole is contained in the various parts, and you're never worrying if everything is going to be ok, because good is obviously going to triumph, and is triumphing in little and big ways, all the way through. You end up feeling ok, content, rather than lacking something.

The only problem with this, (and it's not really a problem, it's a good thing, it's why you can just read a little and then put it down) is that because it's not so addictive, it's less likely that we'll pick it up. we don't feel drawn, compelled to it. Our free will is left very much intact. It is always our choice.

It's kind of like a car salesman who knows they have a good product, and have plenty of customers, so they don't feel any need to push their product. They know it's good, they're making plenty of money, they can afford to just let people come to them, experience the car, and see that it's good for themselves.

Versus, on the addictive, dopamine side, a traditional used car salesman, with all the pressure tactics, deception, schemes to make their thing look more attractive, ways of getting your attention, ways of piercing your defences, making you want something you didn't even know about before and would never have considered getting on your own.

It's good business, but it's not good for you.
Some of it is good. But it's like the difference between fruit and candy. Fruit gives you a bit of a dopamine hit, but it's not extreme. You are almost never desperate for a banana like you might be for a coke or a cookie or some chocolate (depending on your personal tastes) And when you eat fruit, there's enough other stuff in there to regulate the digestion of it. To keep you from eating too much.

Just as we've distilled sugar to a point where it's powerfully addictive, we've distilled other experiences, like slot machines and video games and facebook, into powerfully addictive experiences.

And what I've been reminded of, is that we seem to have an 'addict mode' that we switch into, when doing something addictive, that carries over into the rest of our lives. In unexpected ways. It doesn't mean we become an addict for everything, but it does change our interactions with the world.

The simplest way I can describe it is like this: in that addiction mindset, I ignore my inner voice of rightness, often. I'm less self-controlled. I'm less willing to put off short term gratification for long-term rewards. I'm less willing to take risks and get uncomfortable, even for a good cause. I'm more inclined to snack, distract, and procrastinate (protract?). I'm less honest, especially with myself.

I think in order to do the addictive things which part of us knows is wrong, we need to put up a kind of screen, that shields us from the light of our conscience (another name I use for that quiet inner voice of rightness, or the voice of God within.)

Once we've put up that screen, we're more likely to do all kinds of things not in line with that inner voice. It's much easier, since we're already pretending "la la la I can't hear you."

But disregarding that voice has repercussions. It's hard to truly like yourself, deep down, when a part of you knows you're doing something that feels bad, or wrong. I think it's good to like yourself, even love yourself, no matter what. That's basically the meaning of unconditional love, and people generally agree it's a good quality to have.

But it's hard to do, and harder still, the more you feel out of integrity with yourself. Kind of a catch 22 though, since you'll do better if you feel better, and unconditional love and acceptance make you feel better, while shame makes you feel worse. Guilt can go either way. My definition of guilt is something you feel like you have the power to do something about. "that was bad, I feel guilty about it. I truly regret doing it, and I'm going to do my best not to repeat it." is a healthy process, if you then really let go of the guilt. I guess that's self-forgiveness? Shame, as I've been taught, is feeling bad about yourself, something intrinsic, that you can't change, that's who you are. "I guess I'm just a failure and I'll never be able to control myself" is shame, and it's toxic, not helpful.

This ended up long. Perhaps it deserved a long post, it feels like a big-ish realization.

Beginnings, endings, visions. The practice of flow and rightness. The New Year.

It is the new year, and I start teaching again tomorrow. I got many things done over the break, and there are many things I did not get done. Most teachers wait for breaks to get sick, but I seem to have caught a low-grade stomach bug towards the end of break. Maybe all the sugar that's been proffered to me. Maybe the weird schedule I'd fallen into which tends to make my stomach feel bad. Maybe just the nervous anxious feeling I always get right before it's time to plunge back into the vast uncertainty that is my first year of teaching.

Had a talk with my girlfriend. Things kind of came full circle. One year ago, at my high school reunion, a few days before new years, we met, and hit it off big time. And a few days ago, at this years high school reunion, we met again, and had a chat, and ended things. She didn't have time/energy for the relationship and law school. We were connected via an emoji or two every night, but it wasn't enough to actually be growing in our relationship.

So, when she feels like she has time for a relationship, if I'm not in one, perhaps we'll get back together and give it a real go. I still think she's a fantastic person. But it could be several years yet, for that. I'm not going to put my life on hold for an indefinite period of time just for the chance to see if we'll work out. Perhaps if I already knew we worked really well together, I could wait a long long time.

In any case, it's sad. Now I don't even have those little texts, and my life feels a colder. But there's nothing else to do. I'm interested in finding a life partner. My main job in that is meeting and getting to know people, in the hopes of finding one that feels like home, that fits well. I wasn't interacting enough with her to be figuring that out, and I wasn't interacting with anyone else in that way because I was dating her. Or, at least waiting to date her and trying to maintain what we had in the interim.

It's interesting comparing last year to this year. It would be easy to get depressed, in the comparison. In many ways it doesn't feel like an improvement. Last year I was full of vim and vigor and pushing myself, taking risks, excited, focused, full of energy and promise. This year, I'm sad, mourning a little, tired, anxious.

It's ok. The new year is about visions for the future, it's about the inspirations for growth, and there are plenty to look forward too. I think the goal for the coming year is obvious: I need to re-find my joy, my sense of play in my work. I always work best when I'm able to relax and play. It's like with improv dance for me: it's all about that state of focus and relaxation, of flow, where I'm not anxious and worrying about failure, but intensely focused on the present moment, listening to that wisest of voices deep within and following it's instructions without hesitation, unattached to the outcomes, enjoying whatever is unfolding, understanding that whatever is happening, whatever comes up, is part of the dance. As long as I am in that state, there is no wrong.

That is one of the most healing aspects of the improv dance I did: somewhere to be, to create, where it is understood that you cannot make a mistake. There are no dance steps to get wrong, because it's all improv. And though you can certainly be more in the flow or less, it's nothing horrible if your out of it, it's just an opportunity to look and ask why, and learn from it.

There is no reason that all of life can't be like that. It takes different forms. In many aspects of life, you need to do lots of planning and preparation, sometimes there are even lines to memorize. You might think that makes the improv lessons non-applicable, but the truth is life is not a dance with the steps laid out for you, it is an improv dance. People may tell you that some moves are right and some are wrong, but ultimately it is all opinion. We are creating and accepting these different meanings and rules. The act of deciding that it's time to prepare, the preparation itself, is just one more improv decision and dance move. The same intelligence that tells you how and when to move, tells you how and when to think ahead and prepare things.

That state of flow, of rightness, and listening to the rightness, is universal. And it's the same things that interrupt it, in dance, and in life: the fear of failing, of being rejected, the desire to control everything, born of that fear. It would be easy to misinterpret this as an irresponsible state of being. Especially just talking about it intellectually. But what I'm referring to is an experience of a way of being, and my experience is that its not irresponsible at all. It results in the highest levels of performance.

But part of that learning how to dance is unique for each application in life. There is an open, receptive state that is fairly universal, for learning how to dance, but then the specific application, for dance, for college, for writing, for teaching, has certain skills that you are learning, and those skills don't start off good.

But they improve fastest from that open, playful state. Improv dance, writing, was often easy, because I could separate myself from the results. I didn't get ego-entangled. So it wasn't hard to just play, experiment, and not worry about how things turned out. Doing that with teaching, with the job I want to be doing professionally, is deeply ego entangled. If I'm not good at that, it hurts. It makes me think I myself am a failure. It's nearly impossible to play, have fun, take intelligent risks, welcome failure, be creative, when you are bound up like that.

So, for my new years goal, I want to work at being forgiving, not ego bound, not worried and anxious. I want to learn to dance with this, heck, to dance with my whole life, relationships too. To dance with freedom and rightness and joy.

There was a wonderful experience I had after one outdoor group improv dance that I did, where I just danced/walked off, out of the performance, back to the classroom where we were all going to meet. "The dance never ends." I realized, and that phrase stuck with me. Why did the dance ever have to end? why did I ever have to stop listening to that rightness, stop being in flow, connected to my source, open and accepting?

Well, of course there were lots of things that kicked me out of it, it was hard to maintain in the bustle of everyday life, but that didn't mean it was a bad idea to maintain it.

So, for this year, let that be my goal, my vision, the path I'm walking towards.
May the dance never end.

Happy New Year
-Isaac

Freudian Typos and multi-layer metaphors

I just realized something funny and kind of inappropriate so get your earmuffs ready if you don't want to hear me talk about sex.

First part, not about sex: I realized that, though I used to love playing video games by myself, nowadays I hardly do it anymore. The only way I can get myself to play games is if I'm with a friend. Multiplayer. Otherwise it's kind of boring, and I feel like I should be working or sleeping instead, both things that I am in desperate need of.

Perhaps you're already seeing where this is going...
Second part, now with 100% more sexually derived humor:

I was thinking about how that might be the case with porn/sex for some folks: they can't bring themselves to be bothered with it, it's just not interesting enough, unless it's a local co-op game, so to speak, rather than solo mode.

But like with local co-op games, you need a real live friend to play with. If you don't have that, you've got no choice but single-layer.

(meant to type "single-player" but the Freudian typo was too excellent to edit out.)



Edit:

two things, first, I tried to post a comment twice and couldn't, so it's possible that comments are broken on this website. I apologize, I like comments, I don't want to discourage them (though I do moderate them because I don't abide by meanness or trolling on my watch) But it looks like it's not possible at the moment. Even for me, the blog creator, it won't let me post, though it says comments are on. Ah well.

Second, one person was confused with my second analogy so let me spell it out, in case there are more:
single player = mastrubation & porn
local co-op = loving consensual sex with a partner

Thoughts on Education and Teacher Training

What makes for efficient teaching? What makes for productivity? Humans are not machines, that can output X things for every Y hours put in. I can get two or three times as much done early in the day when I'm fresh, and sometimes I can't do something well at all in the afternoon when my brain is already fried. It's not a linear line. We need rest.

Much more than that, though. I recently listened to a chapter from a book on timing (by Dan Pink) that mentioned some research on team effectiveness, showing that productivity was not linear, but went from almost nothing, to very productive, starting right around the midpoint (when people realized, uh-oh, half the time is already gone). This was true for short-term as well as long term projects.

We're not logical creatures, and especially when it comes to motivation, our focus and energy, we are hugely governed by subconscious feelings, beliefs, impulses. The understanding and engineering of how this works is the business of effective leaders and teachers.

Whenever I start thinking educational theory (and I'm doing so now as I write essays for my Montessori Training) I get frustrated by the lack of effective systematized teacher training. On the other hand, I'm sure it's more difficult than it sounds. Bill Gates poured millions (hundreds of millions, I think) of dollars into education reform and got depressingly little results. Finland spent years nationally focused on developing education, and considers teaching prestigious enough to attract the people who are already really smart and effective. So while it clearly is a fixable problem, it's not an easy problem to fix.

That's looking at the problem in general though. Even on the micro-scale, I've yet to find any program that can turn someone into a good teacher.

Part of that is the same with any profession: you want to get good, you have to work at it with dedication and focus for a long time.

But there are some professions that seem to have the science of that down to a much higher degree. Sports is a great example. Because sports is so lucrative, there is a lot of money, energy and creativity that has gone into perfecting the science of physical performance. Coaches know what athletes need to do for super-high performance. Most professional athletes are at a really high level of performance, far above that of your average joe off the street. The difference between one top level athlete and another is tiny compared to average joe vs. any of them.

Part of that is innate ability, and they're good at scouting for that, but even without special innate ability, you can get up to really high levels of performance. You just won't be the star player.

In any case, the point is they've broken down everything that can be broken down, into specific skill sets, and they know how to train people for mastery of those skill sets. And they do train those people for mastery of those skill sets.

You can do this for any profession. There are some things you can't train, but mostly, you can.
Not only does teacher education not train you for mastery in it's skill-sets, it's not even clear on what the skill sets are.

The waters get muddied because some educational choices don't have to do with academic achievement. Is this method of behavior modification ethical? Is how we are treating children moral?
Also, there's different opinions on the purpose of education: are we just teaching children to earn a living? Do we want them to be kind and compassionate? Do we want them to value charity and helping others? Do we want them to value community and meaning? Do we encourage them to pursue their passions or try and force them into a generic mold? Do we focus on memorization and test taking or creativity and lateral thinking? All of these things take time and energy, which are finite resources, and the balance of where you're putting your time and energy determine the kind of education you impart.

So in a sense I suppose it's good that there are many different kinds of educational institutions, so people can find one that matches their values and concerns. Though perhaps even better would be to find one that matches their child. 

In any case, I always come back to this question; what are the universal principals for education? Things that we know are most effective, not because of our personal bias, but because of high quality empirical research?

I feel like there is a huge amount of individuality in teaching, different styles and focuses, that don't really make things clearly better or worse, just different. And also, there are a huge number of pathways that lead to similar goals, and result in similar outcomes. And people fight tooth and nail about them, when the truth is they're both about the same.

And on the other hand, there is huge variance in teacher effectiveness, so there are obviously some things that do make a real difference.

One big problem is that experts are often not particularly good at explaining or even knowing why they are so good at their field. Their competence comes from a number of processes that are largely unconscious, and so they're not even aware of what they're doing so well. People then ask the experts for advice, and the advice given is often not very useful to the novices.

What's really needed is researchers, looking at expert teachers and objectively dissecting what all the best teachers do in common, AND then looking at different ways of teaching those skills, until they discover the most effective ways of training people in those skills.

There are a lot of different areas that are important for teaching, so that's probably going to be complex. Academic learning is just one important category. Management, motivation, inspiration, is another category, and at least as important. Instilling good values and character is one most people don't think much about, but for me it's equally important. And then there's just the day to day management of logistics, and basic safety and awareness.

It seems like the average person can become an average teacher, given persistent effort, even without specialized training. But what does it take to become a great teacher? Probably the answer is not so complex. Probably it's just the same thing for all professions: you keep working at it, with passion and persistence, you keep pushing yourself to grow, and don't let yourself fall into a rut of stagnation.

I don't have to worry about that quite yet, things are still too crazy to be comfortable enough to stagnate. But it's something to stay vigilant about.

This was maybe a boring tea for some of you? I'll post a short additional thing that may be more interesting, that's been sitting in my draft folder.

Merry Christmas  ^_^

Lights in the Darkness. Work/Play balance. Santa stress.

Chrome seems to be working better now, since it's last update. I can use the blogger website on it rather than having to switch to Safari.

It's pretty late in the week. Fascinating, isn't it? Even though I don't have work, I'm even more behind.

Partly I'm not surprised. There tends to be a rubber band effect with these kinds of things; if I have to be super disciplined and focused for a long stretch, when I finally get a chance to decompress, there is an equivalent amount of time where I am equally undisciplined and unfocused. And I've been working really hard, with lots of focus, for months now.

I'm finally coming up for air, and starting to get more focused and productive again. Thank God for the long winter break.

It's interesting, teaching is quite stressful and exhausting, but being productive and getting things done is actually even harder when one's schedule is totally free and flexible, suddenly having few immediate external demands or accountabilities.

For a long time I just thought there was something wrong with me, but I think that's pretty much how it goes, with most humans.

I had just finally gotten pretty good at being productive even in that kind of environment, when I switched back into an externally motivated "you've gotta get this done by x date for y person." mode, for school and then work. Now that I'm briefly back into that non-external mode, it's taking some time to remember all the lessons I've learned about how to set myself up for productivity in that different motivational environment.

I think life is usually about balance: having too much free time isn't healthy, just like overworking isn't healthy. Working hard and being busy, but not overwhelmed, seems like the optimal state, not just for productivity, but also happiness. I suspect idle people are more susceptible to depression and illness than busy people. (But maybe similar to overworked people.)

In any case, it's the holidays! Just a reminder, if you hate the holidays, you're not alone. It is a trigger point for lots of people to feel bad. For people who are already having a rough time, it tends to accentuate that. The idea that everyone is supposed to be happy makes those who feel bad, feel worse. The various stress around gifts etc., once a year interactions with family that end up emotionally fraught... I think there are statistics about this; the holiday season is extra stressful.

So, if you're feeling bad, know that you're not alone. And if you're one of the ones who loves the holiday season and thinks everyone else should too, be gentle on your friends and family who have a hard time with it.

I'm against the corporate hijacking and artificial expectations that have been injected into the holiday season, but I do love the opportunity to spend time with the people I care about, the celebration of light and life burning bright against the darkness, as the days begin to lengthen again.

I enjoy the heart of all the traditions, which at heart have nothing to do with buying expensive garbage that nobody needs from giant companies, and everything to do with light and love and miracles and rebirth.

Remember what this season is really about: love, light. The warmth that comes from deep connection, the bonds of love we share. If you want to give, what about giving food to the hungry, or a smile/hug to someone who's down, or a sympathetic ear to a friend who needs someone to talk with. Words of encouragement. That kind of thing.

Celebrate the light that shines in each of us as compassion, courage, yearning for truth, faith (in ourselves, if nothing else).

Happy holidays. May you be surrounded by light from the hearts of those around you, may you recognize the light that shines within you.

^_^

-Isaac

Greatful for rest

I don't have much time or energy but it's getting late in the week and I want to post something, even if it's just short.

This is one of the keys to habit formation (and perhaps maintenance): set the perimeters of your habit to levels you can achieve even when you're at your least motivated. consistency is much more important than intensity. Do 5 minutes every day and you'll form a habit. Insist it's all or nothing, 2 hours or failure, and you are almost certain to fail.

There are other factors, like what kind of motivational angle you take, but I'm tired, so not tonight.

To sum up: two more days before winter break. I am super excited to rest deeply, spend some time with friends, and then work like a dog to finish up all the accumulated Montessori training homework that's gonna be coming due by the end of the year. I'll be working and exhausted like this for the rest of the year, even my spring break will be taken up with classroom observations, so this is kind of my only hope.

I'm so tired. it's about 7:30 and I could fall asleep right now. I'm going to brush my teeth right after this. I was thinking about doing something fun like playing some video games for a few minutes, but I'm just so tired nothing sounds as fun as simply sleeping.

I can't remember what movie this is from, but there was this car chase or race, and the car was being smashed and blown up and falling apart, until it finally scraped to a stop, no wheels even anymore, at it's final destination, just to have the few remaining pieces fall apart around the driver, who was left with nothing but the steering wheel. That seems like an apt description. I wish I could just take a month an a half off, to rest and relax and get all the extra stuff done that's built up, but I won't be able to do that for two to three years, since my summers will be completely consumed with Montessori training.

I... have mixed feelings about that. But I'm just putting my head down and bulling through it, for now. At some point the intensity is going to have to ease up or I'll wear myself down. It's not sustainable. But hopefully as I get more experience and at least once my training ends that will change.

Good night, enjoy your rest. One of my close friends who has trouble falling asleep has reminded me to be grateful for the ability to rest, to fall asleep in a reasonable period of time. We take those kind of things for granted, and only think to be grateful for them when they're gone, but how much more satisfying to be grateful while you actually have them.

Love, gratitude, bye for now,
-I