New Year's Reflections and Visions

There is nothing intrinsically special about new years, but there is something psychologically special. Chronological dates have subconscious meanings to us, and so when there are conceptual 'new beginnings', even if there is nothing really special about the chronologically, they carry extra weight because we believe they do. As such, I figure I might as well take the opportunity to reflect on my past year and think about what I might want to put attention on or have as a vision or goal for the coming one.

With this new year, I'm going to start my practicum. That means seeing actual clients. I'm excited about that! I'm excited in specific, about getting to finally put what I've learned into practice, about getting to finally start learning the skills, in ways that just reading or infrequent mock practice sessions could never accomplish. And I'm excited and maybe a little nervous, to finally get the litmus test of if this career move was a good one. Everything I've experienced, and the opinions of the people who know me best indicate it will be a good fit, but the final test of that is actually doing it, and weirdly I don't get to do that until 2+ years into the program. Weird. But a lot about our education system is pretty weird, so I guess par for the course?

So there's that. There's been a lot of bumps, trying to get pregnant, appointments, medical procedures, all the stuff associated with having difficulties getting pregnant. Suzannah has been dealing with the brunt of it, and I'm running support duty as I can.

Despite all those challenges, it is wonderful getting to go through life with your best friend, which we both get to do. We started playing a game together called Clair Obscur, which is beautiful and has great music and an interesting story and world. It's fun getting to go on an adventure together, without having to leave the house. The fireplace is super cozy, it's going right now, and the cats are perpetually loving and super cute and cuddly. Overall I say: Life is good and I am full of gratitude for it.

In terms of my personal and spiritual development, I continue to push forward and grow and my state of general contentment and gratitude becomes more decoupled from the inevitable ups and downs of life as my sense of spiritual presence and awareness gets deepend and more integrated throughout my day-to-day goings-on.

What about new year's resolutions, plans, visions, intentions?

Well, the intention is to have a kid, but ultimately that is up to the universe and any benevolent intelligence behind it all that I would call God. I will do my part and accept what comes.

In terms of specific things, the #1 that comes up for me is I'd love to get into a habit of going to bed and getting up early, and finishing my morning routine by 8-ish so I can start my work early-on. So far this has eluded me, and I don't think Suzannah really cares about going to bed that early, so I'm not sure how this one will shake out.

For my #2, I'd like to keep my primary vision/goals/values front and center of my mind, and let them direct where I put my time attention and energy. I've already started doing this, but I want it to become more consistant and constant throughout the day. Part of this is making sure I have clarity on what that vision is, and it's compelling and intrinsically motivating, the other part is just remembering to bring it to mind regularly and letting it guide my decisions, plans, and actions. Everything else flows out of this one, and really it should be number 1, not the bedtime thing, which is rather small in comparison, importance-wise.

#3 will be, I'll say, the most obvious and immediate goal that comes out of having my Vision in my focus. It is having a constant integrated awareness throughout the day. Awareness of what? Hard to name it. Spirit, presence, God, Self, What Is, Truth, Love.

The rest are little specific things. I'd love to do more regular creative things, I'd love to have a more regularly timed daily ritual/routine, I want to become a really good therapist (maybe that's a bit premature for my first year, but at least get a good start on it.) I want to get better at staying focused and doing the things that really matter to me, and letting the unimportant things go, even when they seem urgent or important or sticky (metaphorically) in the moment.

I think I'll leave it at that for now. Maybe Suzannah and I will make some collaborative one's together this afternoon.

Wishing you all a happy new year, I hope it brings you good things, connection, peace, love, and expansion of your heart and mind.

-Isaac

Squirrels!

As I was sitting out in the backyard this morning, I saw a pair of squirrels chasing each other right in front of me, dashing in and out of the space under our shed where we think the groundhog is hibernating. Then I saw a third squirrel join in. It was quite cute, with them going under the shed in one place, then coming out another, jumping on the wood piles or fences. Then a FOURTH joined in! I haven't seen that very much, if ever, usually it's just two playing, and if there's a third it's doing its own thing. Then a fifth joined. Then a sixth. It was a whole squirrel family, out for playtime. They hung out with me basically the whole time, some getting quite close, occasionally standing up to check me out and make sure I was cool, but generally ignoring me. I've never seen that before, and was delighted. I wonder if my regular sitting out there has gotten them acclimated to me. I wonder if they are all from the same litter or something? I wonder if they were stealing the groundhog's food or peeking in at her.

I also noticed that the squirrels had pretty different tails. one looked like it had a chunk taken out of the side, by a lack of fur in one location, another had a tail that was generally scraggly and thinner than the others, with very little fur at the end. I imagine it's better in winter to have a nice poofy tail they could use as a blanket and door for their squirrel nests, so I hope the scraggly tail one is all right. A squirrel's life must be tough. Regardless, they were playing on the warm sunny day and getting along, and I counted it a blessing to get to witness it.

That's all for this one. Next one maybe I'll talk about New Years.

Bergin and Garfield, Libraries and Due Dates

Hmm, again, a lot of time has passed since my last post. 20-ish days? that's almost three weeks! Kind of crazy to think it's been so long. It feels like a flash.

I've been working with intense focus for the last few days trying to read and take notes on the interlibrary loan book that was due back yesterday. Bergin and Garfield's handbook of behavior change and psychotherapy, or something close to that. It was a really fascinating book, for me. Basically, a bunch of experts in the field wrote chapters summarizing the current research in their respective areas of expertise. They all had a researcher bent, but many also had a practitioner lense, and so the chapters contained nuanced summaries of the best research in the field on various topics, among which I was particularly interested in the chapters talking about the characteristics and skills of the most effective therapists, elements and approaches that have the most robust research, which approaches work best for which issues, suggestions for psychotherapist training, and a nuanced explanation of the research and how to read and understand the research.

If you are just reading the popular articles or youtube videos talking about 'how to be a good therapist' you are not getting the whole picture. I think that's true for quite a lot things. Nutrition, healthcare, goal-setting, etc. There is a difference between catchy phrases that people use to try and sell you on their product or program, and the research itself, which often doesn't lead you to the same conclusions the people who are trying to sell you stuff are reaching, if you actually read the source material.

Research has significant limits on what practical information it can actually give you, and good scientists make that clear. Salesmen typically don't. All that just to say, it was a great read but I definitely ran out of time, and by the end was just quickly taking pictures of chapter summaries to read later. Thankfully I planned for that eventuality and prioritized the chapters that were more important for first. That being the case I'm grateful for the artificial time deadline of the return date, and it kept me focused. I'm looking forward to going over my notes and summarizing them further to help cement the most useful information into my brain and make it easier to recall later, and stop worrying about the research question of "what can I do to make myself a good therapist" because I have as much information on that as I can reasonably get via research, at the moment. Now it's time to put it into practice.

I've got a little more I want to talk about, but this is already a long one, so I'll split it up into a second post.

Social Media Maven, Cat Pillow, Hairy Person

OK y'all, it looks like my blog is BLOWING UP. I'm talking about 10, 15 views per post. What is going on? I'm used to 1-4 views. Maybe the tracking algorithm is broken, or it's a bunch of AI spam bots. I've specifically set the blog to not show up in search algorithms, so I don't know how new people are finding this, if they are. In any case, if you are real people, um, hello! Welcome! I hope you are well, though with the world crazy as it is, I understand you may not be. 

I hope these posts give you a little vibe of having tea with me in front of the fire with some cuddly cats, as I am actually doing now with my wife and a family friend who's hanging out in our house while she gets a blower-door test/energy audit for her own house (cold time of year to do it, though I also want to get an energy audit for our houses, try and reduce the energy costs.)

In any case, it looks like my last post was November 21st, and that is... just under three weeks ago, so I've got some catching up to do, post-wise, but that is expected, as I just finished my last week of classes for the semester Sunday. There was travel, final papers, etc. to focus on. Now I've got several weeks to catch-up on other stuff, which is a delight and I'm excited to get some work done on various other projects, including this.

Gotta go to a haircut right this minute though, so that's it for this one. I know, pretty boring post. maybe I'll add a picture of the fireplace and cat I'm talking about, when I get back.

Neko Sensei

Our two cats, Ume and Reiko, are so very cute, and sweet, and cuddly, and affectionate, that I have rarely felt as much love for something in my life. They were curled up in a ball into each other, nestled for warmth this morning, Ume nuzzling into Reiko, rolling back her head for chin and belly scratches. They have so much trust for me. That level of trust and openness engenders a surprising amount of love. It's interesting how vulnerability can end up being so powerful. I feel like they are teaching me about bhakthi, (divine love, devotion): if I can feel somewhat near that level of love for the rest of God's creation, or for God itself I would be a great devotee. And so it is a pathway into that feeling of love, that can then perhaps be generalized or cannalized.

It's also a pathway into gratitude, that I have such sweet companions with me all day long. It makes me deeply appreciative for my life. And it makes me think about loss, as well. I think about how they will almost certainly die before I do, and what a loss that will be, and it reminds me to pause and take time just to connect with them, give them head scratches or bump my head against theirs. To live well in the moment, not just for future goals.

It teaches me that we can feel love from each other, feel presence and attention. If I am doing something on my phone, they are not as happy, even if I'm petting them. But if I bring my attention fully to them, maybe bring my head close to theirs, they start purring like a motor. Not just humans, but animals, and plants, can feel our love, and respond to it like a flower opening to the sun. It's a gift you can give to others, and it ends up being a gift for yourself as well, because letting love flow through you to others, that love is experienced by both.

Preparing, Cleaning, Celebrating

 What do I do to prepare for my practicum and internship? This is the question on my mind. I asked my supervisor if they had any suggestions, and they pointed me to a training. And then I've been doing some deep dive research, or rather continuing the research I'd started a while ago about what makes for a good therapist. It's the same question I had as a teacher. Is there anything one can actually do, to measurably get better? There was an unfortunate dearth of agreement scientifically on that topic. Lots of people giving their opinion, but nobody really doing good practice-based research. It seems so weird, because what could be more important than training good teachers? I suppose some of the important things are structural as well, but even with that, it seems like everybody has their own perspective and is ready to argue for it rather than put aside their assumptions and test what actually works.

Now, of course there is research on effective teaching methods, but honestly, I think the problem is MUCH more about effective classroom management, and how to teach that. How can you train teachers to create a good classroom environment and culture?

Maybe this was more important for me because this was the area that I struggled with the most. But I think most teachers are put in an environment that really pushes them towards burnout, and does not support them in their development as teachers, which is related to the burnout. This is a serious problem that is perhaps more important than almost anything else, as this is the place where our future generation is being formed, but people seem to be generally ignoring it. Above and beyond the academic lessons, one would hope children learn good character while at school as well. How to get along with others, resilience and tenacity, how to handle big emotions, failure and disappointment, cultivation of compassion and empathy, how to lead a happy life, and positive values like honesty, integrity, humility, being of service to others, courage, etc.

I wanted to do this for children because of how important I thought it was, but I just could not avoid extreme burnout as a classroom teacher. I was miserable. And yet I kept doing it for around 5 years, if I include my student teaching. I just didn't seem to be the right temperament for what is needed in a classroom teacher. But that doesn't change how important I think it is, or my desire to contribute to that, in some form. Whatever form I can actually do in a sustainable way.

In any case, that was a bit of a digression. The point is, I've been doing the same research for psychotherapy. And, both sadly and happily, there is a good deal more research on it than for teaching. Sadly because teachers deserve it too, happily for me. It's still in its infancy, but their are at least people working to answer the question, what can we do with therapists to actually and reliably improve their outcomes with clients. Interestingly, it follows some of the same thinking that I figured out myself, namely using the concepts of deliberate practice from Anders Eriksson's research to apply to therapy and therapists. As well as studying the outliers, those therapists that do significantly better than others, and looking for common elements among them. 

So I've got a bunch of really interesting books on those subjects, that I'm looking forward to going through (and have already started going through, can't help myself, despite my need to focus on my coursework). I'll share a pic at the end here, of some of them.

Aside from that, my big dream goal for this break: tidying up the house putting everything away and finding home for things that don't have a place, and then going through and getting rid of stuff I don't need or want anymore, decluttering a bit. I've found I can set time limits for each step in the process and time myself and I become much more efficient and focused, and can get rooms done in a much more reasonable period of time, so I have actual hope for being able to do this.

In general, I'm feeling very grateful for my life. The additional time and space I have from not trying to do so much at once. The feeling of being on a good path work-wise, and my current spiritual and personal progress, it all feels like it's in a good place, and I'm remembering back to a time... maybe in my early twenties, when I realized life had stopped sucking, overall, and I had thus achieved what I thought was an impossible goal. But I then realized, that wasn't where I wanted to stop: I wanted to get to a point where life was generally actually good, positive. I feel like I'm there now. So I feel deep and vast gratitude for the universe, Great Spirit, God, whatever you want to call it, the benevolent intelligence in my life that has guided me and supported me in fulfilling those prayers.

Of course, that's no place to stop either, the new goal is to continue for things to get even better, which I already feel happening and don't see any upper limit in sight, and to spend more time now helping others, which honestly was my main motivation from the beginning, even when I was deeply suffering. I wanted to becomes something good, so that I had something good to offer to others.

OK! that was a longer one. But I actually have one more short one in me, so see you again soon.

The next few weeks. Sprint to the finish line.

 I'm almost done with my school work for this semester! One more big assignment! And some more readings, which are functionally optional, because there are no assignments based off of them.

Tomorrow I pick up Suzannah from the airport and Sunday her sister's family comes to visit for a week. It will probably be a bit hectic that week, but I'll try and get the paper and mock crisis counseling session done and recorded, or at least the recording and getting started on the paper. That's Thanksgiving of course, so there is cooking and cleaning the house for their arrival. That next weekend is a friends wedding up in Chicago, so more travel, and then the next weekend is a Bat Mitzvah for a niece in Philadelphia. That same weekend the final paper is due and classes end. Then I've got a good long bit of time off, several weeks, to spend some time with Suz and friends and take care of loose ends before my internship starts.

So, things are about to heat up for a bit. A sprint, so to speak, and then the sprint leads off the edge of a cliff and I get to free fall for a couple weeks with less structure and externally imposed goals. Hopefully Suz and I will do something fun, and probably I'll spend some of the time on my own studies, preparing for the beginning of my internship and starting to see clients. Exciting!

OK, I'll end this post here, since I've got to write another one.

See you in a few minutes.

-IO