Kale, busy weeks, hastas

 I like writing, and writing in the informal, off-the-cuff personal style of a blog. Just because I don't have time to do so at length, isn't a good reason to stop altogether. There is something about regularity, ritual, routine, that is soothing, and maintaining some degree of momentum with the rituals and routines you like, seems like a good thing, to me.

This is all to say: it's a super duper busy week, so this will be another short one, but I didn't want to miss posting all together. Among the things that are due are: an article for a small newsletter I was asked to write (due the 10th) my final paper (due the 13th) most of the planning for an in-person retreat I'm doing with some other teachers from the volunteer program I do on the weekends (tomorrow, Tuesday) and saving the documents for my previous semester class, before it becomes unavailable (due by the 13th). Those are the main ones, but there are others, some just general life admin and maintenance stuff, some other kinds of commitments, like the trip up to Des Moines with my wife to drop her at the airport (and go see some theater while we're there to make it a fun outing.)

The Hasta's are blooming, something I've never before been aware enough to track, day by day, watching the long stems emerge from the close to the ground leaves and slowly bud and flower. Also, some day lillies by the shed are finally blooming, and a burdock is getting huge nearby, leaves bigger than dinner plates.

Yesterday I picked a bunch of kale from the garden and sauteed it up for lunch. The garden is starting to really produce, and it's fun to be eating from it (though again, something that takes time when I have little).

It will all work out, though it may mean spending less time on each of the individual tasks than I would like, doing less of my normal maintenance things than usual, and not doing as much as I can get away with, aside from the essential.

What do I do, when I'm unhappy? Do I hide it, thus isolating myself, but "shielding" those who read this from the fact that I am unhappy? Or do I share, in the spirit of honesty, authenticity, and openness, thus connecting more deeply with you, but potentially making you experience negative emotions as a result? I generally lean towards authenticity, but it is true that what we read or otherwise consume has a subtle but profound effect on our feelings and behaviors. Not sure how to resolve that connundrum at the moment.

With love and wishes for your own flourishing,

-Isaac

Example of my sit spot journals

April 16th 2025

[This stuff in brackets is not from the original post, but my current thoughts. This post got squirreled away in a folder and I just found it recently, so it's getting posted now. Gives an idea of what my sit spots are like, though more recently they've been a bit more sporadic and superficial, and usually haven't included journals sadly. Part of having less time]

So much can happen in five days in spring. I've come back to my sit spot after being away for April 11-15th and if feels like spring has already happened. the japanese maple buds I was waiting for to see them open into leaves have already opened, though they are still droopy, the redbuds I've been waiting to see bloom have bloomed in my absence, as have the daffodils. The old ornamental pear was already blooming but now is totally bloomed, and the two young fruit trees I was waitin gon have also now bloomed. The hyacinths are also in lull bloom and intoxicating in their smell. the air in general is laden with the smell of flowers. the Hastqa's have con from little spears to beginning to unfold their leave, the bushes that were just starting to leaf out are now bushy, the silver maple who's helicopter seeds were tiny are now heavy with huge clusters of what looks like fully grown seeds. and the birds and squirrels are singing and scrambling about all over the place. spring springs so quickly, it seems. Just 5 days and it feels half done already.

Perhaps it's just like seeing a nephew after a half year, they look so different and bigger, but the parents don't' notice it as much, because they are seeing the growth day by day. Having that interval of not seeing, makes the contrast much bigger.

I've nibbled on the japanese maple leaves (tasty and sour) and the redbud buds (a little astringent and sweet along with the sour. I wonder if people can eat teh hastas. the deer certainly like them, but that's not a sure sign of anything, deer eat lots that we can't.

looking up at the huge ball of flowers that is the pear tree, I imagine being the squirrel with a nest in it, living surrounded by masses of flowers. It looks like what I imagine part of heaven might look like.

This is a particularly long entry in my sits spot journal, which I thought I'd share with you as a blog post as well, so you can see what it looks like. Though I wrote it from the beginning thinking I would share it as such so the grammar and structure might be a bit more readable that otherwise.

[as a note looking at this much later, it's wild to think about how different things are now, so full and lush]

Emotions Comics

Here is a little comic I drew one day, when I wanted to do something creative and had a general idea I wanted to convey in comic form. It's been a while (months) since I drew it and I have been meaning to post it since them. But through the magic of not telling you, the wait will feel like mere seconds. Here it is:

There are a bunch more elements to this, but I a) didn't have time to draw them at the time and b) didn't want to busy the simple comic with too many details, alternate paths, and addendums.

But I'll mention some of them here.

- if you put the emotions to the side for too long, they can go 'stale' or even go 'bad' (think: something you left in the fridge for too long, not a moral judgment.) Then they are harder to integrate, and have negative repercussions in your life (think: "what's that weird smell" constantly in the background because something in the fridge has gone bad)

- often there is an element of knowledge, or information, the the emotion is trying to convey to you. If you can accurately parse what that is, "what are you trying to tell me?" that can also diffuse much or all of the intensity of the emotion. Like someone knocking on your door to deliver an important message, progressively getting louder, then banging, then shouting. Once they give you the message and know it's been received, they go away.

- In regards to that last one: sometimes (often) the information is very useful, but sometimes we've developed phobias or maladaptive coping patterns or biases, and then the information isn't necessarily accurate. But it still needs to be heard and acknowledged to let it dissipate.

- If you keep putting a wall up and pushing away uncomfortable emotions, they don't actually keep getting bigger forever, emotions constantly fluctuate, and we can't maintain high intensity for very long. However, even if they are just pretty bad, from being repressed or distracted from, the cost is high. Like having a bunch of interest on a credit card that you have to pay off every week, the emotions you're pushing away are taking a toll on your general well-being.

- Also related to that pathway, often, at some point, the emotion gets big enough that it breaks through the wall. This is someone having a freak-out, or blowing up at someone else, etc., over something that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Sometimes that does integrate the feeling, though likely un-gracefully and with hurt feelings and guilt about the blow-up. Often it does not. The cause of the feeling is projected onto someone else, out there, and so why should I have to do anything (like welcome with awareness my feelings) because it's something out there that needs to change for me to feel better, not something inside me. And the inside work doesn't get done.

There are some other related elements: how often the welcoming in of the emotion brings the information it has. How sometimes expressing the feelings in a more active way helps integrate the emotions. How doing this process can give us better access to more accurate intuitive and 'felt sense' information coming in. How this process relates to motivation, how we often have opposing motivations that keep us frozen or vacillating back and forth without making much forward progress. And how this process can facilitate gaining wisdom, beyond just information.

As I said, there was a lot I could have added. Maybe in other comics that are addendums or continuations of this one (going off in different paths, like a choose your own adventure?)

But there is wisdom in simplicity, and in doing something, even if it isn't everything. So here it is.

Jumping Jehoshaphat!

I've got a bunch of simple blog post ideas or full posts I've captured but haven't turned into actual posts or published. In an effort to keep from falling behind, and catch up some, I'm going to do a few of those.

Starting with this one. This is just a video that made me smile. I hope it makes you smile too. Laughing and being playful is part of what makes life good, even when it's hard, and it can be a great unifier, healer, and help us touch the alive and holy part of ourselves. Also, being too serious seems like a bad idea.

Here it is:

Loss, Compassion, Community

One more post before I get back to work.

I've got at least one more big piece of news, and it's sad, so brace yourself. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant (I always find it a little odd saying that, we're trying, but it's her who's getting pregnant. Still, it seems even more off to talk about her as separate from me, as we're in this endeavor together.)

Anyways, she just had a, I don't know if you call it a miscarriage technically, but basically that's what it is. A non-viable pregnancy. The embryo (not sure if that's the right word for it's current development. Zygote?) stopped developing somewhere around 5-6 weeks, they say usually that's because something is wrong with the genetics, and the body realizes it's not going to be a viable birth. But it's still in there, so they have to get the body to pass it out so we can try again. It's painful physically and emotionally, and has been really hard on her, but she feels strongly that she doesn't want to hide it. The pressure to hide miscarriages, like they are a shameful thing, just serves to isolate the people who most need support, when they most need it, and give it the air of something abnormal, when it's really quite common. It was helpful for her to talk with friends who have also gone through similar things, to normalize it somewhat and feel less alone, and she doesn't want me to hide it, so I'm sharing about it, since it is certainly one of the biggest things going on in my life. At the moment, the biggest.

Because this is the kind of thing that people call to offer condolences or such about, I want to talk a bit about grief, and morning, and how people respond to and try and support others going through that.

I think in our culture, we are often either afraid of people who have suffered a loss, and thus hide from them, because we are (perhaps rightly) afraid that we don't know what to do to comfort them. Or we burden them, making gestures that are about making us feel better, rather than about what they actually want or need. We try to give them unwelcome advice, or tell them to cheer up, because we are uncomfortable just sitting with them in compassion and listening, or being around someone who's sad and maybe crying. 

I should probably include a link to the difference between compassion and sympathy. Here:

https://youtu.be/KZBTYViDPlQ?si=9Z-5kFQb-DB-bIXg

(they talk about it as empathy vs. sympathy, but it's what I mean. Just different vocabulary. This is how you can be there for someone in a way that actually helps.)

In any case, each person's grief is different, and the specifics of what they want and need is different, and so there is an element of figuring out what the person wants and needs, which can be difficult, because they may not know themselves. The things that I often go to, that seem generally positive are: I listen, and I'm present. Basically what the video talks about.

If they are a friend, I try to be a friend for them in the ways I've always been. I let them know I am there for them, that they are not alone, and to call on me if they need anything. I might offer suggestions for how I could support them, if they don't have any ideas and would like some. 

If they are a close friend, then I try to stay in contact more frequently. I think just knowing you're not alone, that you have a community that loves you, is there for you, is one of the simple, big things. And having someone, somewhere, who sees you, understands you, and accepts you, as you are. 

Things I specifically don't do: I don't offer unsolicited advice. I don't judge. I don't suggest they should feel differently. I don't put them in the position of having to comfort me. Honestly, I'm sure I do some of these things sometimes, I'm not perfect. But I avoid them as best I can, because they're the things I wouldn't want. 

Other miscellaneous thoughts: 

I think support for those who have lost something should be like a group hug, with those in the center those who were closest to the loss. They shouldn't have to be supporting those further away. 

Often when people ask "are you ok?" it can feel like them wanting you to comfort them, and is just more burden on the person who's going through a hard time. Don't ask unless it is coming from a good place, meaning, for example, you are ok with the answer being 'no' and you are ready to listen patiently with empathy and acceptance. 

Perhaps this is just born from my own pet peeve about how people ask "how are you" but don't actually want to know. I remember when I decided to answer honestly (this was during my undergraduate degree) and my response was mostly along the lines of "pretty crappy" and people were deeply concerned and I had to spend a bunch of time explaining that this was just my baseline state and everything was normal. I guess what people actually mean when they ask 'how are you?' is 'please confirm you are not in imminent threat of death.' but I guess that's a lot longer and more overtly morbid, though more accurate to the subtext of the question? Except I don't think people actually want to know that either. Maybe a more accurate translation is "please affirm or pretend everything is ok so we can continue with our regularly scripted social interaction" 

Every now and then someone asks "how are you?" and the really mean it, want to know, are ready to celebrate if it's good and hold space with empathy if it's not, and that's magical. But that is sadly uncommon.

anyhoo, that's quite the digression.

The short of it is, I guess, if you're gonna do something for someone who's suffered a loss, just double check: is this to make me feel better, or is this truely for them? Am I offering empathy or sympathy? And make sure they are not alone. Maybe that's you, maybe that's someone else. But we all need our people.

Just my thoughts.

This turned into a longer post (to write, at least) which is probably another reason I don't end up catching up that much in any one session. Eventually I get to a topic that takes a bit more thought.

OK, signing off for today.

Helicopter seeds, crickets, Strawberry Moon

 OK, next post. Little things: yesterday, I heard my first cricket of the season. I heard it at night, under the strawberry moon, and then the next morning, during my sit spot. But today, I didn't hear it. It was just one, so maybe it's gone somewhere else. There was some other kind of buzzing insect though, that had replaced it. Not sure what it is. Katydid? Something to investigate.

The squirrel in the ornamental pear tree (the one that had a huge branch fall on our shed during a heavy winter snow storm, two years ago? I think.) started chittering at me like mad when I came out today. Not sue why, he hadn't done that to me in a long time. Did I do something different? Was something different for him? I've started doing a little weeding at the end of my sit spot, for Suzannah's sake. We have some rock garden areas, that are getting taken over by weeds, so I'm pulling out most of them, and then some others, including maple seeds that are growing from between the wood planks that make up the back porch. I assume if I let those grow they would end up breaking apart the porch, so I probably shouldn't do that. Otherwise I'd want to keep them though, they're beautiful as little vibrant green seedlings poking through the cracks. It's amazing what a huge quantity of helicopter seeds has fallen all over our yard. The big old silver maple was prolific this year. 

OK, that seems good for another little post. I think I'll keep going with at least one more.

Curiosity about my recent lack of blogs.

I continue to get further and further behind. I wonder why that is? Have I gotten less interested in blogging? Not really. Or decided that it's less important? Maybe? But that doesn't quite feel like it either. I think I've just gotten out of the habit of doing it, and I've had a long stretch where I've been really trying to get a few big important projects completed, and so a lot of the little things have fallen by the wayside, while I focus on them. Plus changes to my routine, from breaks or what-not, have gotten me out of my normal pacing.

This hasn't been with just blogging. My weekly review, watering the plants, cleaning the cat water bowl (we've got a fountain one, which has a filter and a large reservoir, so it's possible to just leave it for quite a while, but it does get kinda gross if I forget about it.) all these get pushed further and further back.

And now that classes are back on, their is another set of things to do. I do get to blogging, just, less than once a week, and when I do sit down, I don't have enough time to catch all the way back up, especially since each time I take some time to do it, there are more in the backlog than the last time.

Give that it's only one per week, that means the times I've stopped to do this are pretty far and few between, and the fact that it doesn't feel like that long since I've done a post, is kind of a marker of how quickly time is passing.

I got a linear, year one one big page calendar. I just put the big things on it, to try and get a sense of how long I have for various things. Every week or so, I draw a line through the days that have passed since I last looked at it, and it really gives a sense of how quickly time is speeding by. It's almost alarming. It certainly gives me a sense of urgency, a desire to use each day and each hour well. Perhaps this is why there have been less blog posts. While I care about doing them, there have been, are, a bunch of things I care about more, that I've been focusing on.

I think I'll stop this post for now, though I'm going to continue writing, as a second post.