1) pleasant now and painful later, 2) painful now and pleasant later, 3) ????? 4) profit

Currently I am working on a difficult dialectic. I've talked about that word before right? The idea of a synthesis between two seemingly opposing polarities/viewpoints. One of those poles is "discipline." I'm not actually sure what exactly the other pole is, something like "have fun now." Maybe "hedonism"? That's kind of got a negative connotation though. Enjoyment in the present, what feels good now.

It came up because of one of my all time favorite hang-ups, a real classic: 'go to bed on time.'

The problem with this is that, when I try and push myself to do it, I often fail, and then feel bad about failing. I fail because, in the moment (say, 8:30 or 9 pm) I decide I don't actually want to go to bed now, I want to stay up doing what I've started doing. I give in to that impulse, enjoy it in the moment, and then curse myself for falling for it again, which leads to not being able to wake up early without incurring a sleep debt. Which is what I really want. I sleep better when I sleep earlier, and I love being awake for the sunrise, and being able to get my daily maintenance behaviors in (meditation, exercise, my morning sit spot) without pushing back the beginning of my work day too late.

This is just one example of this behavior though. I think it kind of boils down to the dichotomy of delayed gratification vs. immediate gratification. Walter Mischel's "marshmallow experiment" and the 'willpower' he discovered is one of the biggest factors in the subsequent success of the five year old children, in all sorts of different areas, from academic achievement, to job success, to relationship satisfaction.

Yet, if I recall correctly, somewhere near the end of the book he talks about how a life devoid of enjoyment in the moment, a life of supreme willpower, could be very sad indeed, with no room left for enjoyment in the moment at all.

The issue I run up against, is something like that. When I try and exert willpower to create a desired long term outcome, not only do I not do it very well (I might be one of the kids who ate the marshmallow right away) but the very act of trying to exert willpower transforms my current experience into something kind of hard and angry and not joyful or playful. However, if I give up and just let my 'enjoy now' self direct things, I begin to feel an existential pain, as pressure slowly builds up about me not being of service to others or having a deeper meaning or purpose to my life. Just a shallow series of pleasant distractions.

So this is the false dichotomy I tend to get stuck in: either wishy-washy just go with the flow and do what feels good, or hard-nosed jaw-clenched constipation-faced straining to do what seems right. It reminds me of the issues I had with classroom management, of either being permissive, or too harsh, neither of which felt good or worked well.

I think I need a third way, something that is disciplined, but without anger or straining. Disciplined with kindness and compassion and flexibility, even as I hold steadily to my values and take the actions that feel right. Disciplined with a sense of play and relaxation and humor and ease.

So that is what I am reaching for, trying to feel out, though it feels like I'm blind and groping in the darkness for a pathway I feel certain must exist.

This is all made exponentially harder by social pressure. I wonder if people who are wishy-washy just seeking pleasure feel social pressure, and it's just me who experiences that as generally socially acceptable, but I don't tend to get push-back when I lean in to that side of the spectrum. However, I definitely get pushback when I lean into the other side, the discipline side. I wonder if this is because we are kind of a materialistic, consumerist culture? Maybe it's our cultural reaction to the puritan work ethic side of things that was ascendant earlier. Maybe it's just the subgroup I tend to live in.

Maybe it's just me, and I grew up with the hedonistic mode as my norm, and when I try to go into discipline mode, it gets noticeably wonkey, because I haven't spent much time around good, non-wonky role models of balanced discipline. And people are just reacting to that.

This very much makes me think of a repeated experience as a new teacher, who didn't know all the rules, starting to work with children, who knew the rules better than I did. Often, they would ask if they could do something, and I could tell, by how they were asking, that they thought they weren't allowed to do it. That cued me in when I otherwise wouldn't know, and I would say to wait until I'd checked in with someone who knew all the rules. Sometimes, it wasn't even a rule, it would have been fine, but because of how they asked, it made me think it somehow wasn't fine and so I ended up saying no.

In that same way, I notice people who have trouble saying no and asserting their boundaries, end up saying no in a way that feels offensive or profoking resistance in others. They are in effect creating a self-fulfilling prophocy, in how they assert boundaries. They think there will be a problem with it, and that makes their delivery cause a problem, wherease someone who felt supreamely comfortable enforcing their boundaries would do so without any of the drama or subtle cues that would provoke negative reactions.

I think I might be doing the same, with trying to be disciplined and enforce those boundaries in social situations. And actually, even just for myself. I think maybe I have an idea of what discipline looks like, and it's not a flattering image, and I'm making it come true.

So yeah, trying to create a different image and follow that.

And I wonder if I'll still get pushback even so? I guess I'll find out. I think I already have somewhat, I think when my behavior makes someone else get less of what they want, there is inevitably some pushback, as with any enforcement of a boundary, but I bet if it is done in a gentle way from that resolution of the dichotomy, it leads to that pushback dying out, rather than growing bigger.

I guess we'll see. I've got to do something though, or the pain of a life lived partially out of alignment with my values and sense of rightness will remain. Experimentation to ensue.

If you are curious where the title of this post comes from: https://www.reddit.com/r/OutOfTheLoop/comments/4x6lk8/where_does_the_step_3_step_4_profit_meme_come_from/

Wishing you well in your own search for meaning and resolution of internal conflicts,

Isaac

P.S. also wishing you a good holiday season, and warm time with friends and family and rest and recuperation, like a normal person ;-)

P.P.S. Also resolution of external conflicts, because there are certainly plenty of those in people's lives as well

Cat nap trap

I have a cat sleeping in my lap, so though I want to get on with my day, doing my morning run and finishing my meditations, I thought I'd get done what I could, while trapped in this cuddle puddle. I sometimes think of my interactions with my cats as a minor preparation for being a parent, making sure my kids get quality connection time with me on the regular.

That includes a blog entry (hopefully a second one will be on the way soon.)

Things I'm doing: enjoying winter break, woohoo! It's time. Yesterday was almost entirely me and my wife playing and having fun together. We did some lego's, played some games, both analog and digital, made a cozy fire, cuddled, made brunch, went for a walk in the winter weather, and generally had a cozy great time. Today, I'm trying to finish up my weekly review (which doesn't always happen every week, like this last week, so it can end up taking a bit longer) and try to finish planning for another cozy but more logistically complex get together with some friends. Once that's on track, I get to think a bit more about what I want to do during this blessed free time. I'd really like to get my house in order. not super tidy, but at least 80-20 things so everything has a home, which will make it much easier to put things away, and, if it's all in containers, easier to clean things (rather than having to move a bunch of individual items to vacuum or wipe down somewhere, I can just move a few boxes.)

Aside from that, there are a few general maintenance and life admin things, and then maybe a bit of discretionary reading/learning, as time allows. And of course, spending time with my wife especially (more of yesterday's goodness) and with friends. That's rather a lot, so I'm hoping to get clear on the most important things, so I do those first, since I don't expect to get to all of it.

Anyhoo, today I'm likely going to help my friend try and fix his very drafty house, so I should get on with things, ending this post and shifting Reiko off my lap.

With love and warmth, 

-I O

Connection, community, travel.

It's been a busy week, and last week, though technically a vacation, was full of travel and the disrupted routine that brings with it. That is to say: I didn't think to pause and blog, so it's been a while.

And now I'm about to drive for 8 hours to get to my 4 day residency in Ohio. The drive will start tomorrow morning. And I've got more prep to do before I go to bed tonight, and work of other sorts to do durning at least a few of the evenings during residency. So this skimpy post is all that's going to happen for a bit.

The trip and time with family was sweet. I've been doing a lot of learning, both in class but especially on my own and via teachers unrelated to my CMHC degree, about communication, connection, groups, and  belonging, and I feel like I've been growing in that respect, getting better at connecting heart to heart with people, and doing so more naturally.

And this upcoming residency is focused on group skills, so it's all very thematically appropriate.

See you on the other side.

-Isaac

the healthy bachelor cookbook, lego pictures, plants

I should just take some of those lego pictures that me and Suzannah created together for this post: 

Time to water the plants. Or finish watering them. Suzannah has collected enough to make parts of our house feel a bit like a greenhouse, 

which is nice, but makes watering take like an hour, if I'm being careful to water enough to soak through, but not so much as to spill over the saucers onto the floor.

I really like having a place for everything and everything in its place. I've been slowly working towards that, room by room, and when it is done, it feels great, and looks good. (no pictures on that because it's not done.)

I've been slowly learning to make more dishes. Last night, I made an asian sauteed vegetables and tofu dish in a mandarin orange sauce. It's pretty good!

I've even tried learning how to make salmon, though I don't eat it, to earn brownie husband points. I'm still not confident on cooking it correctly though, and I don't want to eat it, so it's harder to test it for not being overcooked.

I need to broaden my repertoire though. I've only got a few dishes for now, though I'm learning how to improvise on them with what I've got on hand. One of the problems is I'm so slow, it takes me like twice as long as a normal person to cook things. I like to wash my vegetables well, so that takes longer, and I'm not a fast chopper, though I also don't cut myself very often. I also can't multitask well, especially if it's a dish I'm just learning. All that adds up to a lot of time. It means I have to make enough for at least a second meal, if not a third, to make it worthwhile, which adds even more time. Hopefully I'll get faster as I continue to learn/practice.

I need a very specialized kind of cookbook, something that focuses on quick and easy to make meals, while also being tasty and healthy. So many recipes have so many extra, little finicky steps that make things take forever without adding that much to the dish. And don't explain why they are doing what they're doing, or how things can be modified. It makes it less useful. I want dishes that teach general principles that can be used universally, and modified, for example with different sauces, to give variety while not having to learn a whole new dish. And the principles behind the dishes, so I can get better at improvising. Also, vegetarian. Maybe I make this cookbook? I've already called my healthy but as simple and quick as possible philosophy "healthy bachelor cooking" so I guess that could be the name of it. Though I'm certainly not a bachelor anymore.

OK, I've rambled enough, and it's getting late. I'll probably see most of the people (which I estimate at 3) who read this, in a few days, so I can catch up more then. Though I technically have another post due in a day or two. I bet I'll have more to write about when I'm fresher, some time in the morning.

Warmly,

I

Thanksgiving in Boston, almost done with papers for the semester, yearly review approaching.

Quick one.

One more paper to write and I'm done for the semester! (except for the in-person residency dec 6th-11th). It's due this Sunday, but I'm busy all weekend with other stuff, so I've basically got to finish it tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I also basically have to pack tomorrow, for the same reasons.

Heading to Boston and the east coast for Thanksgiving.

Loving my cozy fireplace and using it lots. I no longer want to be in any other part of the house when it's cold out :D

Also enjoying my "legos for adults" sets that I've made with Suzannah. I should post some pictures of them, they're quite cute, and thematically relevant.

Once I'm done with school stuff, I've got to think about what I want to do with the rest of that time! Definitely some fun and some cozy time. But also I'd love to do some cleaning and organizing. And maybe some deeper reflecting, yearly review style. What are the goals that are really important to me? I'm getting more comfortable with my own finitude, and what that means is I have to be picky with what I put  my time into. And there are some things (like being creative) that are definitely worth putting my time into, but that I haven't been putting my time into, because I've been thinking "I'll get to it later, after I get all this less important stuff out of the way."

But I now don't think that's how it works. There will always be less important stuff in the way, you just need to press on, regardless, and make time for those important things.

Also, somewhat unrelated: sleep. Going to bed early, waking up early. I love doing that, but I haven't been. I've been more rested, but I haven't been getting up early. Or going to bed early (not super late either, but not early.) That's been a thing for me for a long time. But I've always mishandled it, being either too lax, or too hard on myself. I need a synthesis, that is both gentle on myself, and rigorous.

OK, I'll stop for now, since I've got another one to write to catch up.

Love, Unity, Peace. Pumpkins.

 I have a few more pictures to share, so I'll start with that:

My Shiva pumpkin with a strange top (I couldn't tell you a specific reason I cut it that way, it just seemed like a cool idea. I can confirm, it was quite satisfying to fit the three prongs into place, kind of like a giant key fitting into a lock.) In any case, I think it came out quite well.

Next up, our cats are getting cuddly due to the cold weather. This morning Reiko just wanted to curl up in my lap and periodically look up into my eyes while I pet her, purring like a gentle motor. It's easy practice for loving the God present in another. No words to distract, no emotional baggage, just simple affection. 

I like to take these moments to practice gratitude, and think about how the Creator is present in each of his(/her) creations, and to love and cherish and treat them with kindness, is to treat God with kindness. I think when we consciously remember to see the God in others, it uplifts them as well. It's like the Pygmalion effect, which I was introduced to and had illustrated to me in my teaching. If a teacher thinks a student is especially bright, they perform especially well. Same is true, unfortunately, if the teacher thinks they are not bright, or a trouble-maker. We all contain multitudes, and whichever facit we put our attention on, in others, is what we tend to enhance and strengthen, in those others.

And, perhaps an even deeper lesson, is we enhance those qualities we see, in ourselves as well. Thus it behooves us to see the best we can, in all those around us. (while avoiding being pollyanna and gullible, of course.)

And even further, others see us, and if they see us talking and thinking poorly about others, they assume we are doing that about them as well. To criticise is to throw mud on yourself. Or perhaps you could think of it as getting mud on yourself, when you attempt to throw it at someone else.

I could probably say something about this current election (or most elections, really) but I will refrain. My prayer is for peace and understanding among all of us, and a reaching of hands across the alienating and darkness filled divides that separate people from each other. We are all trying to do our best, we all have reasons for our feelings, our choices, and if we could only find each other in a meeting of minds and hearts, our unity could bring about positive change, even if we continued to hold differing views. The division and hatred weakens us, diminishes us, makes us more vulnerable to manipulation by bad actors. 

I know it's terribly hard, but the way out is through love, understanding, and peace, while holding to what our conscious tells us is right (not convenient or easy, but right.) And that is different than what hatred or fear tells us we should do. An example of one man doing this sucessfully, here.

In my recent readings, I came across a cool question, for guiding one's actions, it's something like this, "does this diminish or expand me?"

All the best, and I hope you find peace and love and good people to support you in this stressful time.

-Isaac

Fire, leaves, play

Coming up for air, and that means a blog. Or two, in this case.

I'll just give a few quick impressions, for this post:

Playing 'catch the leaf' as the wind blows them off the trees.

(This is a picture of all the leaves I caught during a particularly fruitful walk.)

Reveling in the fall colors.

Starting my first indoor fire in a fireplace (at least as far as I can remember)

I had no idea how much I enjoy creating, having, and tending a fire until I did this. It's absolutely magical. And especially nice as the fireplace insert makes burning wood actually energy efficient and not bad for the environment (it burns up most of the bad stuff that comes out in the smoke). And safe and mostly not smoky. I'm a convert.

As a side note, it's interesting, how 'magical' is one of my favorit words for something I really enjoy. I think that says something about me and what I like. It's true: I quite like magic.

Lots of things to enjoy in this fall season. Continuing to be deeply grateful for the extra time I have due to taking classes a bit slower. It just makes everything better.

I'm thinking about how I'd like to have a habit of being creative every day. That free-flowing creativity I've experienced with a few of my favorite teachers, have been some of my favorite times in my life. So why am I not doing more of it? Haven't yet figured out how I want to incorporate that without making myself super busy again, but I think I'm going to give it a try some time soon.

Alright, see you in a second with a second post ;-)