So much has happened. Tomorrow is my anniversary with Suzannah. It doesn't feel like a year has passed. I wake up every morning and get to cuddle my best friend. And again before I go to bed at night. Every day is made better, just as it has been in the past, when I got to spend some of it with a best friend. But I get to do that all the time now. It's wonderful, and hasn't gotten less wonderful, a year later. Not even a little. What an incredible blessing.
Today is Unicorn Gate, as we dubbed it, represented by The Last Unicorn. A movie we watched together a year ago, thinking it would be a romantic childhood nostalgia trip. It was not. In case you've forgotten like we'd forgotten, the last unicorn is weird and sad and creepy. The whole thing feels like it's on drugs. That first official date ended feeling weird and uncomfortable, with a stomach ache from dinner, and then there was an awkward and uncomfortable first kiss.
We call it Unicorn Gate because, like Watergate, it brought to light a whole bunch of stuff that had been brewing underground. When we finally were able to talk about it, it dissipated. There is all the expectations and the posturing and trying to be someone we're not, associated with the initial courtship dance, and this brought it all up to light. And once it was voiced, and we were out of the uncomfortable expectations and just being real, being ourselves, it became clear that we really liked who that real person was. I say we, but since I'm writing this, I want to give myself credit and say I saw that real person and relationship a while before this event. But Suzannah needed it, to clear away her uncertainty. For me, it was a walk several weeks earlier, that we've dubbed "Possum Magic" for reasons that would be clear if you knew the story. (but that's a story for another day.)
In any case, as we reflected on the yearly return of Unicorn gate this morning, during this pandemic, I said something like, "let it remind us that sometimes the best things come from the seemingly worst." Sometimes you need a bad first kiss and break-up to realize you really do like someone. Sometimes if you totally surrender controle and trust God completely with the outcome, trust that no matter how bad it looks right now, it is all for your best, then everything turns out better than you could ever do, or ever did, trying to control everything with your spindly little ego arms.
So, here's to the power of Unicorns, and trippy, uncomfortable-feeling 80's fantasy films. And the power of things we think are bad, things that feel bad in the moment, to actually bring about great good. No "fertilizer," no flowers.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Monday, March 23, 2020
From far away to real and now. Self-care and Other-care. Stories to tell the kids.
Oh, I thought I was two weeks behind, but I'm actually approximately on schedule. I guess it's felt like a long week. I think a lot of people can related. There is probably quite a bit of shared experience between people right now. What's it like, staying at home all day?
I'm actually quite happy about that part of it. Right now, I was scheduled to be practice teaching during my spring break, but I actually get to take it! I'm thinking about how much I want to spend on video games and movies, and how much I want to spend, catching up on work. I suppose I'm lucky, in that I have perhaps years of backlog of stuff that I could work on. I'll be back to work remotely come next week, but I could easily spend a couple months working through all the todo's I've got stored up in a list, and another couple years on the creative projects I've written down to work on "some day." So I don't have to worry about boredom. I treasure days or weeks like this, where I have the time to work on these things.
I almost never get a chance to really sit down and play a game, but I've kind of turned the work I have to do into a game. There is great satisfaction in setting goals for myself and then ticking them off. There is something about the realness of that which usually trumps computer games, even when the computer games are beautiful works of art, akin to a painting and a novel and a symphony that are synced to an interactive sport, all put together. In many ways, that's what the best computer games are (except you don't actually get to move your body much, like you would in a real physical sport.)
Even so, the game of real life is usually more satisfying. Often with video games I end up being more of a taster. It's why I like buffets so much: you get to try a tiny bit of a whole bunch of things, decide what you like most, and have more of that. I think I would have fun as a review writer: I like to research, try things, analyse, and write my thoughts.
In any case, often I just have time for a taste, but perhaps I'll have a little more time this week.
I spent a good part of monday of last week cleaning and being super productive, imagining that's what my break would feel like, and then the rest was setting up and doing stuff for my students and parents for home-school stuff, since our school is closed.
I was hoping to do that for a full week now that spring break is actually here, but I've got a weird stomach bug that's keeping me low energy. I don't know what the heck it is. It's not intense, but my stomach feels 'tender' pretty much all the time, and if I eat too much, I get a full on stomach ache. I tried fasting one day and that was really bad, I felt weak and got dehydrated and it didn't seem to improve anything, so I'm just eating lightly and taking it easy, hoping my immune system will fix things. Not sure what else there is to do about it. But kind of a bummer, when I want to be going full steam ahead with all the stuff that's been put off till now. I'll have to settle for half steam, until it's better. It's been dragging on for... maybe 6 days now. It's a bad time to get a weird medical thing, because I don't want to go into a hospital if I can help it. Objectively, it's not that bad, but these kind of things are always worse when you couple them with the unknown: Is it just a weird stomach flu? Is something wrong with my stomach and it's not going to get better until I get medical help? When will it be over it?
I just got in digital line for a phone-call doctor visit. There are, as expected, unusually long lines for that, and half of the intake questions seemed to be covid related. I half expect her to pick up the phone, discover I'm not asking about covid, and hang up on me in disgust. Or else be relieved to have something different to think about. We'll see how it goes. Can they diagnose me effectively just over the phone? Perhaps I should have just called a cousin or friend who's in the medical profession? My experience with western medicine with these kind of minor chronic things is not good, but it seems like the responsible thing to do.
It's been a crazy few weeks, hasn't it? I went to Chicago to practice teach, and had to turn around and drive back two days later, because the schools closed the day after my very first day teaching. The whole world is seemingly in lockdown, except for those who are on the front lines, doing medical stuff or providing needed services, like food and gass. I'm sure their lives have just gotten way more stressful. What used to be relatively average jobs, stress wise, like groceries, have become super intense suddenly.
And the rest, who have to stay at home, are having to deal with economic worries. Business owners are worried about losing their businesses. Others, their jobs. People are rushing to stockpile food and other staples.
The world suddenly doesn't seem as safe and stable as it once did. The reality of the fragility of our systems is kind of hitting home. Even though it doesn't seem like this is close to the straw that breaks the camel's back, it is making it clear that such a thing could happen, even hear, in the US. It makes me think of the first time a really close friend died. Death seemed kind of foreign, far away, not real. After that happened, it suddenly became real. Death itself became real. We human beings are not good at being motivated by emotionless facts. We need personal stories, emotions, for something to move us, most of the time. A cool calculated analysis that says our systems are reaching a breaking point in the next few decades doesn't motivate many to change. But a tragedy striking close to home does. Perhaps this will be a bit of a wake-up call to people. I know it is for me. It makes me think of the need for resiliency and self-sufficiency, among families, groups, communities. I already think about the need for change in social and environmental policies and practices and have for many years. Perhaps more people will realize it now.
In the meantime, you may want to get some exercise every day, and spend time outside in nature, even if it's just your backyard. Being inside too much certainly makes me go a little weird in the head, I assume some of you are the same. Just in general, I hope you all take care of yourself. Stay aware and don't pretend nothing is happening, but also, it's ok to enjoy life now. You don't have to be anxious just because that's fashionable these days. A lot of you probably have a bunch of time on your hands: that's great! Any hobbies or skills you've always wanted to learn? Books you've wanted to read? People you've wanted to get back in touch with? How wonderful that we have the internet to connect us to others, even using live video. For free! And practically infinite resources for learning just about any skill you could want. Grow a garden, learn a language, or an instrument. Or, like me, just catch up on your todo list.
And keep yourself emotionally sound. panic and anxiety won't help you. Stay socially connected, even if you're physically distancing. Do your top self-care activities, be it dancing, meditating, playing games with friends, getting enough sleep at the right time, eating well. We all have our own top things that help us have a good day. Now more than ever it's important to practice those things.
Stay connected to your community, your tribe. We need each other especially during stressful and uncertain times. And if you are feeling down, as one of my friends reminded me, one of the best things to do is help someone else. Take the focus off yourself, and see what you can do to make someone else's day brighter. Give a loved one or friend a call, or a nice email, or a funny cat photo. Send a few bucks to a relief fund that's doing something good. Pick up something for an older or at-risk person. In serving, we are served.
Take care everyone. Life is not going as usual, but it's these unusual moments that we end up remembering for years to come. These are the stories we tell to grandchildren.
I'm actually quite happy about that part of it. Right now, I was scheduled to be practice teaching during my spring break, but I actually get to take it! I'm thinking about how much I want to spend on video games and movies, and how much I want to spend, catching up on work. I suppose I'm lucky, in that I have perhaps years of backlog of stuff that I could work on. I'll be back to work remotely come next week, but I could easily spend a couple months working through all the todo's I've got stored up in a list, and another couple years on the creative projects I've written down to work on "some day." So I don't have to worry about boredom. I treasure days or weeks like this, where I have the time to work on these things.
I almost never get a chance to really sit down and play a game, but I've kind of turned the work I have to do into a game. There is great satisfaction in setting goals for myself and then ticking them off. There is something about the realness of that which usually trumps computer games, even when the computer games are beautiful works of art, akin to a painting and a novel and a symphony that are synced to an interactive sport, all put together. In many ways, that's what the best computer games are (except you don't actually get to move your body much, like you would in a real physical sport.)
Even so, the game of real life is usually more satisfying. Often with video games I end up being more of a taster. It's why I like buffets so much: you get to try a tiny bit of a whole bunch of things, decide what you like most, and have more of that. I think I would have fun as a review writer: I like to research, try things, analyse, and write my thoughts.
In any case, often I just have time for a taste, but perhaps I'll have a little more time this week.
I spent a good part of monday of last week cleaning and being super productive, imagining that's what my break would feel like, and then the rest was setting up and doing stuff for my students and parents for home-school stuff, since our school is closed.
I was hoping to do that for a full week now that spring break is actually here, but I've got a weird stomach bug that's keeping me low energy. I don't know what the heck it is. It's not intense, but my stomach feels 'tender' pretty much all the time, and if I eat too much, I get a full on stomach ache. I tried fasting one day and that was really bad, I felt weak and got dehydrated and it didn't seem to improve anything, so I'm just eating lightly and taking it easy, hoping my immune system will fix things. Not sure what else there is to do about it. But kind of a bummer, when I want to be going full steam ahead with all the stuff that's been put off till now. I'll have to settle for half steam, until it's better. It's been dragging on for... maybe 6 days now. It's a bad time to get a weird medical thing, because I don't want to go into a hospital if I can help it. Objectively, it's not that bad, but these kind of things are always worse when you couple them with the unknown: Is it just a weird stomach flu? Is something wrong with my stomach and it's not going to get better until I get medical help? When will it be over it?
I just got in digital line for a phone-call doctor visit. There are, as expected, unusually long lines for that, and half of the intake questions seemed to be covid related. I half expect her to pick up the phone, discover I'm not asking about covid, and hang up on me in disgust. Or else be relieved to have something different to think about. We'll see how it goes. Can they diagnose me effectively just over the phone? Perhaps I should have just called a cousin or friend who's in the medical profession? My experience with western medicine with these kind of minor chronic things is not good, but it seems like the responsible thing to do.
It's been a crazy few weeks, hasn't it? I went to Chicago to practice teach, and had to turn around and drive back two days later, because the schools closed the day after my very first day teaching. The whole world is seemingly in lockdown, except for those who are on the front lines, doing medical stuff or providing needed services, like food and gass. I'm sure their lives have just gotten way more stressful. What used to be relatively average jobs, stress wise, like groceries, have become super intense suddenly.
And the rest, who have to stay at home, are having to deal with economic worries. Business owners are worried about losing their businesses. Others, their jobs. People are rushing to stockpile food and other staples.
The world suddenly doesn't seem as safe and stable as it once did. The reality of the fragility of our systems is kind of hitting home. Even though it doesn't seem like this is close to the straw that breaks the camel's back, it is making it clear that such a thing could happen, even hear, in the US. It makes me think of the first time a really close friend died. Death seemed kind of foreign, far away, not real. After that happened, it suddenly became real. Death itself became real. We human beings are not good at being motivated by emotionless facts. We need personal stories, emotions, for something to move us, most of the time. A cool calculated analysis that says our systems are reaching a breaking point in the next few decades doesn't motivate many to change. But a tragedy striking close to home does. Perhaps this will be a bit of a wake-up call to people. I know it is for me. It makes me think of the need for resiliency and self-sufficiency, among families, groups, communities. I already think about the need for change in social and environmental policies and practices and have for many years. Perhaps more people will realize it now.
In the meantime, you may want to get some exercise every day, and spend time outside in nature, even if it's just your backyard. Being inside too much certainly makes me go a little weird in the head, I assume some of you are the same. Just in general, I hope you all take care of yourself. Stay aware and don't pretend nothing is happening, but also, it's ok to enjoy life now. You don't have to be anxious just because that's fashionable these days. A lot of you probably have a bunch of time on your hands: that's great! Any hobbies or skills you've always wanted to learn? Books you've wanted to read? People you've wanted to get back in touch with? How wonderful that we have the internet to connect us to others, even using live video. For free! And practically infinite resources for learning just about any skill you could want. Grow a garden, learn a language, or an instrument. Or, like me, just catch up on your todo list.
And keep yourself emotionally sound. panic and anxiety won't help you. Stay socially connected, even if you're physically distancing. Do your top self-care activities, be it dancing, meditating, playing games with friends, getting enough sleep at the right time, eating well. We all have our own top things that help us have a good day. Now more than ever it's important to practice those things.
Stay connected to your community, your tribe. We need each other especially during stressful and uncertain times. And if you are feeling down, as one of my friends reminded me, one of the best things to do is help someone else. Take the focus off yourself, and see what you can do to make someone else's day brighter. Give a loved one or friend a call, or a nice email, or a funny cat photo. Send a few bucks to a relief fund that's doing something good. Pick up something for an older or at-risk person. In serving, we are served.
Take care everyone. Life is not going as usual, but it's these unusual moments that we end up remembering for years to come. These are the stories we tell to grandchildren.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Interesting Times
My personal news shall be delayed for a bit longer, due to the global news. It's getting a lot of coverage. It's not personally scary for us youngins, but for all of us who have parents and older relatives and friends, it's still scary. And it's stressful, thinking about what is the right thing to do, day by day, and being on super high alert as we try and do our work.
I don't envy the officials that are in charge of making decisions right now. They are having to weigh the usefulness of certain measures against how disruptive the measures are, and when to implement them. And combat rumors and misinformation and panic and stress. And get the most important info out, and keep it from getting lost in the noise.
My practice teaching got canceled because all schools closed, so I drove 5 hours to Chicago and back two days later for nothing. And packed for nothing, and now have to unpack and organize myself again. Lots of wasted energy, but that's a very small inconvenience, many people are facing bigger ones.
Hey, on the plus side, I get to actually have a vacation. I was planning on working through spring break at my practice teaching site, like I did last year, but I can't, so I actually get a week off. Yay!
Though I don't know how long spring break is going to be. It seems possible, perhaps likely, that school will not reopen right away, though we'll still be sending homework packets for the kids to make sure they don't fall behind, when things do close down.
The closings and disruptions are something that can't be helped. But people there's an air of fear and stress o'er the land that isn't helping anything. What we need is solidarity and mutual support. Even if we're physically distancing ourselves, we need to stay in contact and supportive, not just of physical needs, but social and emotional. We are all human beings, we have things and people we love, we are in stressful and uncertain times. We fear the unknown, and that makes us close down and lash out. Like one of my kids who sees a spider, is afraid, and responds by trying to kill it. If you can, try to shift out of the fear. Stay alert, follow the protocols, stay safe. The spider isn't going to attack you, just leave it alone or get a teacher to catch it in a cup and let it outside.
At the very least, realize this is stressful and you need to try and take care of yourself mentally as much as physically. Stay connected (maybe via video chat rather than in person), do yoga, whatever works for you. Be careful, be informed, and be kind.
There is a quote, that is supposedly a traditional Chinese curse, but upon researching, appears to just be one of those things that got created anonymously and attributed to someone else: "May you live in interesting times." We are certainly doing that.
Stay safe out there. Your in my heart.
-Isaac
I don't envy the officials that are in charge of making decisions right now. They are having to weigh the usefulness of certain measures against how disruptive the measures are, and when to implement them. And combat rumors and misinformation and panic and stress. And get the most important info out, and keep it from getting lost in the noise.
My practice teaching got canceled because all schools closed, so I drove 5 hours to Chicago and back two days later for nothing. And packed for nothing, and now have to unpack and organize myself again. Lots of wasted energy, but that's a very small inconvenience, many people are facing bigger ones.
Hey, on the plus side, I get to actually have a vacation. I was planning on working through spring break at my practice teaching site, like I did last year, but I can't, so I actually get a week off. Yay!
Though I don't know how long spring break is going to be. It seems possible, perhaps likely, that school will not reopen right away, though we'll still be sending homework packets for the kids to make sure they don't fall behind, when things do close down.
The closings and disruptions are something that can't be helped. But people there's an air of fear and stress o'er the land that isn't helping anything. What we need is solidarity and mutual support. Even if we're physically distancing ourselves, we need to stay in contact and supportive, not just of physical needs, but social and emotional. We are all human beings, we have things and people we love, we are in stressful and uncertain times. We fear the unknown, and that makes us close down and lash out. Like one of my kids who sees a spider, is afraid, and responds by trying to kill it. If you can, try to shift out of the fear. Stay alert, follow the protocols, stay safe. The spider isn't going to attack you, just leave it alone or get a teacher to catch it in a cup and let it outside.
At the very least, realize this is stressful and you need to try and take care of yourself mentally as much as physically. Stay connected (maybe via video chat rather than in person), do yoga, whatever works for you. Be careful, be informed, and be kind.
There is a quote, that is supposedly a traditional Chinese curse, but upon researching, appears to just be one of those things that got created anonymously and attributed to someone else: "May you live in interesting times." We are certainly doing that.
Stay safe out there. Your in my heart.
-Isaac
Sunday, March 8, 2020
Itchy cats, location scouting, rushing = injury
Aaaaand this weeks post, actually on time. I'm about to talk with some family friends about wedding venues. In like, fifteen minutes, so perhaps I won't finish this post before that happens. One of the cats has made her bed on my pillow. (Normally we don't let them into the bedroom much because they have something on them (not sure it's fleas. Mites?) that makes me itchy, if they sleep in the bed too much. I'm not sure what it could be, since they take flee medicine, and I haven't seen any fleas. Either it's just a few, or it's something else, but I've tested multiple times, and when they've been sleeping on the bed is when I find myself itching and scratching while in bed. Mild allergy?
Anyhoo, time to go to the wedding planning meeting. We just did a visit to another location yesterday. Suzannah is in full planning mode ^_^
Back now, prepped for afternoon class, started prepping for other things, emails, logistics etc.
Cat jumping up onto the kitchen counter makes me unreasonable frustrated. I wouldn't care but I don't like the idea of cat-litter paws on the place where we are eating. And she knows she's not allowed there, she only goes there when she thinks we aren't around to tell her to get off. Wouldn't it be easier if everyone just did what we wanted them to? This is the ultimate teacher's dilemma. And parents. And bosses. I'm generally a live and let live kinda person, but when it impinges on my own life, I can occasionally get testy, despite my generally high levels of patience. We all have room to grow, always.
I notice I get more angry when I feel rushed in my own life, and that's one of the reasons I try to never rush, even if I have to move quickly. The other being I almost inevitably make mistakes or injure myself.
Welp, no more time for today, on to other work. I'll have more updates next week, I think, when I'm in Chicago.
Anyhoo, time to go to the wedding planning meeting. We just did a visit to another location yesterday. Suzannah is in full planning mode ^_^
Back now, prepped for afternoon class, started prepping for other things, emails, logistics etc.
Cat jumping up onto the kitchen counter makes me unreasonable frustrated. I wouldn't care but I don't like the idea of cat-litter paws on the place where we are eating. And she knows she's not allowed there, she only goes there when she thinks we aren't around to tell her to get off. Wouldn't it be easier if everyone just did what we wanted them to? This is the ultimate teacher's dilemma. And parents. And bosses. I'm generally a live and let live kinda person, but when it impinges on my own life, I can occasionally get testy, despite my generally high levels of patience. We all have room to grow, always.
I notice I get more angry when I feel rushed in my own life, and that's one of the reasons I try to never rush, even if I have to move quickly. The other being I almost inevitably make mistakes or injure myself.
Welp, no more time for today, on to other work. I'll have more updates next week, I think, when I'm in Chicago.
catch-up post, trip to Chicago
Again, I seem to be on a bimonthly schedule. The weeks are packed, the weekends are packed. I'm a week off from a trip to Chicago to do my two weeks of practice teaching, but I don't know how much of a break that will be. One of the weeks is during spring break, so I'm not taking too much time off from work, so I don't have spring break. And I'll be teaching, just like I've been doing.
It should be a bit less stressful because I'm not in charge of the class as a whole, just teaching lessons, but also more stressful because it's a totally new environment, I don't know the presentations as well, since I haven't done them as much, and I don't know how anything works in the new situation. Plus I'll have a bit of homework at the end of each day, collating my notes and preparing for the next day. I hope it's a bit easier, because I'd like some time/energy to get more work done on the various assignments due this summer.
Before I spend time on that, though, I've got to get my taxes taken care of, as well all do. My inbox sits looking at me, forlorn, full of papers, as the immediately important tasks sit in front of me as sticky notes. Less that the ideal system. Too easy to forget things.
OK, that's going to be last week's post.
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