Momento Mori II

Well, I'm feeling kind of stiff and creaky, but I've almost finished my final assignment. And I got some pretty lazy days in too. And lots of time with my parents, which is super nice. There are a lot of posts I'd like to make, if I had the energy, but I don't, today.

I've got some nice backlog too. Stuff I took pictures of that I want to write about and post from months and months ago. But for now it's just a wave and a wink. I'll be starting up my internship with a fourth-grade class come Tuesday. That's intimidating. But I won't have classes of my own at Antioch until somewhere around mid-January, so the first few weeks should be kind of easy, with plenty of time to think, research, and plan.

I've noticed myself feeling a bit more busy and distracted that usual. I think this is because, for about the last month, as I've been focusing really hard on getting all the stuff done that needs to get done, I've been listening to Harry Potter on my phone as I go on walks or clean my room or such. On the one hand, it saves a bit of time, because I desperately need to take my mind off the not super interesting tasks at hand like writing up bibliographies and editing and formatting, and do fun stuff, like read great books. And I also need to stay somewhat active, to be happy, and this way I can do both. But there's just something about it that feels like my mind is overcrowded. Or too noisy.

I enjoy having a quiet head. I enjoy my time to ponder. And I feel like it is a bit of a safety measure. When I have time to quiet down, thoughts that were otherwise suppressed have a chance to bubble up. Often I'll remember things I've been wanting (or need) to do. Sometimes I'll realize I've been going about something all wrong. Sometimes I'll be confronted with some uncomfortable feelings that I then have a chance to heal. That last one certainly isn't fun, and is probably why a lot of people try to keep themselves distracted, busy, playing music all the time, checking their phone, anything to keep from having to listen to those quiet plaintive voices within.

The downside of always keeping yourself distracted is it usually means life feels shallow. If you're always busy, you never have a chance to ask yourself how you'd feel on your deathbed. You know, whether you'd be satisfied with your life or not. And if not, what would it take, what would you need to do differently, in order to feel content with how you're living your life.

That's a good question to ask. Not just once, but with frequency. At least for me, I find it helps me keep perspective--you know, not get worried about the little stuff, and really focus in on the big stuff. What's important, compared to death? Not my grades. Not what acquaintances think about me. Not my stuff, not any of my luxuries like hot water and easy entertainment.

What matters is my friends, my family. The love I've shared. The smiles I've created. The joy and appreciation and gratitude I've experienced. The suffering I've eased. The minds I've inspired. The sacrifices I've made for good and for God and for Right. The acts of kindness, to others and to myself. These things shine out in the darkness of death like stars in the night, undiminished by the void. If I approach death with these jewels in hand, I approach without fear and without regret. Without begging for a do-over, for just a little more time to make things right. Because that do-over is my life already. This remembering that I will die; it's like a version, however miniature, of a near-death experience. It puts me cheek to cheek with the reaper, and then I get to have my second chance, my extra year.

And I don't even have to beat him at a chess match.


Turn your eventual and inevitable end into inspiration to live well now and a compass to show you how.

One of my teachers has said something along the lines of this: "there are two things you should stay always aware of: God, and death."

And another misquote from memory, "I'm grateful for the fact of my death, because it has made my life possible."

Wishing you the best possible life,
Isaac

a different kind of mad cow disease, and sleep deprivation therapy

Normally I have a post up by Tuesday, but I'm still plugging away at my overdue projects. I'm quite happy because I just handed in two of them today, right on time (well, on time in terms of the due date I set for myself for the informal extension.) One of which was the biggest. Tomorrow I have to do almost all of another, medium-small one (it will probably be a long day, like today.) And then I will just have the one final one to do. I think, as it gets further and further into my break, my standards are dropping a bit. How much does it matter if I give 110% to x paper? What matters is how I'm working towards my goal of becoming a master teacher.

But I will not do a poor job. In fact, the slight dropping in standards is perhaps a good thing, bringing them down from the excessively high, inefficient, perfectionistic levels, to reasonable levels.

Tomorrow will be interesting. I realize I've been getting into a later bedtime, later waking up routine, and I think the only way to change that is to force myself to wake up early, so I'll actually be tired at night. But that may affect my ability to focus a bit.

However, sleep levels have little effect on scholastic performance, says a meta-study on the subject. Fascinating. But perhaps not showing the whole story. Just like exercise having only a small positive effect. But that's only looking academically. It perhaps has a much larger effect, in terms of school being a positive experience, and life in general. And I have suspicions that there are a lot of factors that have minor effects on academic performance but major effects on other areas, novel thinking, fundamental behavioral chance, perhaps moral or metacognitive development. Prefrontal lobe stuff.

An interesting and encouraging discovery: I seem to be getting much better at anti-procrastination self-talk and behavior.

The normal procrastination voice goes like this:
"Oh no! Not this work again! I have no idea what I'm doing! I don't want to do this! Suck! Waaaaaaaa!"

And the new voice replies, "The pain you are feeling is from avoiding doing the work. It will almost entirely go away once you start. Unless you keep telling yourself it's awful and you're horrible at it. But you can remedy that by reminding yourself that almost nobody really knows what they're doing. Most people who you think are doing just fine, are in the very same situation as you, feeling like they don't really know what to do. Just make it up. Do the best you can think of, it will probably be fine, and if something's not good, you can fix it. Chill, don't worry. Experience has shown this to be an effective solution, for just about everything. Maybe don't use it for surgery or flying a plane, but otherwise, you're golden."

And then I give myself very frequent breaks, and I end up fine.

But I am getting damn tired of day after day in front of a computer screen. This does not feel like a productive use of my life. It's getting me street cred, and papers I can wave at potential employers, and the ability to produce more such papers. It makes me feel like I'm turning into this cow animal that chews on book pages and eventually poops out theses and research papers, not really aware or caring about the process, and the end results feel about as meaningful.

Except cows are pretty chill and this process is stressful, so the cow in this analogy is maybe hyped up on coffee.



But it's not helping me teach very much, so my patience is wearing thin, as the fatigue mounts. Thus the gradual dropping in personal standards.

I feel no guilt about this because I'm pretty sure this thesis (maybe there's a reason the plural of the word rhymes with feces?) experience, accompanied by growing apathy spurred on by mental emotional and physical exhaustion is a requirement to be accredited as a graduate school, and thus my experience is not just typical but mandated.

Anyways, it's actually quite late now, and this has become a long post. Erm. Definitely have gotten out of my nice early rising routine. Well, that will change tomorrow, when my subconscious realizes I won't just let it sleep in anymore! Mwahahahaha! I will rule it with an iron fist!


-I Out

(Perhaps I should take a break from writing papers after tomorrow?)

Desire for communal grooming, Fear of pizza the hut, and Victory

I have just finished the first and probably smallest of my four main assignments due Thursday (and Friday, I suppose, but I have class Thursday, so I won't have much time to work on them.

Anyways, I just wanted to say:
https://youtu.be/4n0fcGEI_aE

(or for those of you who didn't watch:)

YATTA!

(which means roughly "I did it! Woo!")


Well, I still have to go over it for editing. But it feels quite done. One load off my mind, and now I can focus on the others. And the biggest project is off my mind, not because I'm done, but because I ain't doing any more on it until I finish the other smaller projects, so I'm resigned to asking for an extension for that. So I've got a big presentation to prepare for class, a small presentation to prepare for class, and a medium sized project to complete. Oh, and another large project that I'm also resigned to asking for an extension for.

But I feel quite good, actually. I've been working diligently, for more than a week. Not straining, taking breaks when I need then to keep from going mushy in the brain, but working hard, and it feels good.

I'm dreading break, in a way, because, after I finish all the stuff I'm going to have to get extensions on, the pressure's going to be off, and I might just blob out into a Jabba the Hut kind of creature until school starts again.



I've got to figure out how to keep some pressure on, perhaps with some goals? Oh, I'll take a break, don't worry, but a day or three should be good. Maybe I'll take it easy-er. But I'm discovering that I like focused, intense, but balanced work. And I seem pretty good at not going too hard, sat least lately. Slow and steady.

I would love to see my Fairfield friends. I miss youuuuuuuu. But it's a two-day drive both ways... And if I've only got a week off...

Oh, yeah, about that: technically school doesn't start till mid-January, but it's been recommended to start my internship as soon as elementary school starts, since that will mean I get to end the internship sooner, and that is really good news, as there will be all sorts of end-of-term assignments coming due, and it would be good to have the rest of the week free to do them, as I'm doing now. That would be the smart move.

Though, I may have to wait anyways, depending on how long my background check takes. Oh, I guess that's news too. Unless you're a teacher, then you already know: in order to teach, you need a background check (at least in a public school, I don't know how private schools work.) I went in and got my fingerprints done yesterday. It was cool. No ink anymore, it's all digital.


I think I need more human contact. I was really enjoying having the person holding my fingers down to the machine. Just having someone hold my hand. As a kind of reserved guy, I don't really see a good way to get regular, non-awkward hugs where I'm living. My monkey brain craves communal grooming.

Maybe I should ask my classmates if they want to take turns doing lice checks as an excuse for some platonic physical contact. Teachers are all about lice checks, right? My common sense meter is telling me this is well into the "weird" zone. Probably just weird enough to get a laugh, and have people think I'm joking. Am I joking? I do think it's funny. But I'd also be totally into doing it, and would prefer that outcome, weird as it may be.

I just read somewhere that loneliness was worse for your health than smoking. SMOKING! Let's see if I can quickly find the article...
Yup, there's a bunch, here's one, http://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/about-loneliness/

Loneliness is worse for you than obesity, and about the same as 15 cigarettes a day, apparently.
This is why I'm considering living in Fairfield IA, despite the fact that I'm a nature nut and Iowa has the least wildland of any US state, if I'm remembering my facts correctly. Your peeps are really important to your mental and physical wellbeing. I do ok, when I'm not cramming for my final weeks of the semester, but I've got to work to keep in touch. I'd really prefer to have a nice social support network right next to me.

Thoughts floating in my head for the future. For now, I'm just impressed that I'm soldiering along, despite that.

But I predict THAT rubber band is the one that's going to snap back hardest, as soon as the pressure of all these assignments is off. And that's the place I'm going to let myself indulge over break. If I can. Phone conversations are way better than nothing, but they are poor substitutes for living next door. Or even better, in the same building.

Welp, I've got a schedule to keep. Tomorrow's going to be a big day of cardboard cut-outs for presenting, until I can actually finish making the real things. I feel like it's a giant cardboard cut out of a house, that I'm going to show to everybody, with the real house behind it still missing some rooms, it's roof, and a paint job.

Choice and Light

As much as you can (and you do have some choice in the matter, though not complete choice) choose happiness. Spend time with things and people you love, that make you smile. If you notice yourself getting serious and frowny, check yourself. Life is too short. I have a friend who've been through Vietnam, on the ground, and they are one of the funniest people I know. Bad things happening are no excuse. It is a courageous, warrior-of-light act, to find ways to laugh, in the face of darkness.

We can't always do what we want, but we can practice liking what we have to do. One of the things that helps me with that is not taking things too seriously, if they're not really important, in the grand scheme of things. And I decide that based on what I will look back on, on my death bed, as really important. Mainly the love I've shared and the way I've lived.

There is a time for sadness and mourning. Perhaps even an occasional time for repentance. But there is no good time for despair or shame. Fight them!

Fight the darkness with light, not more darkness. Fight it with love, laughter, and the dear people around you who care about you. Your circle of light. If you are reading this, if you've gotten to here, it is almost certain that you have at least a few of those. Call on them for support, when you need it, and let them know you're there to support them, when they need it. Your friends care about you. Sometimes it is a brave act, just to admit you could use some help, and reach out for it.

Here's a dose of smiles for the day. Live strong, live love ;)

Fear or Excitement?

There is no possible way I can get all the things done that are due by December 15/16th. (The end of my semester.) I need to take my lowest possible acceptable quality of work, and then cut it down further by 3/4ths, and I can probably achieve that, if I work really hard. I don't know if I am capable of reining myself in, though. Which 3/4ths do I cut? How do I cut it, without mangling the end result? Can I force myself to put down the pencil, so to speak, after doing one-fourth of a satisfactory job, so I can do at least one-fourth of a satisfactory job, on my next assignment?

Being afraid of failing at grad school seems ridiculously unimportant, in the larger scheme of things. Yet telling myself this obvious truth does not stop my heart from racing like my ancestors did when he was in the jungle at night, something large and unseen stalking him in the darkness.

Still, I can't spend every waking moment working. I've got too many days to go. I need to plan for endurance, not a sprint. So I'm going to make myself some dinner (I almost wrote breakfast) and try to decompress for a little bit before going to sleep.

Really, this is the perfect situation, I should be excited: I've just been reading and thinking about growth mindset, taking risks, and self-confidence. Here's my chance! It's only scary until I'm not afraid of failure. And if I am ready to learn from my mistakes, then there's no reason to be afraid.



Full speed ahead,
Isaac

Thought foam on the deep blue sea

The next few weeks are going to be short posts, most likely, because Finals Time! Not that I have tests I'm studying for, I just have a whole bunch of huge projects. Oooog. But they're good projects! I like them. I just don't know how I'll get them all done to my level of satisfaction in the allotted time.




Random happenings in my life:

I think I figured out where the mysterious cow thigh bone is from. (see this post if you don't know what I'm talking about.) Apparently one of my housemates had a classmate who had gotten the bone (I think someone gave it to them randomly/anonymously) so he must have dropped it off at the house, to pass on the weirdness. Much appreciated, I always like strange things happening in my day. I recently read novelty is scientifically shown to increase knowledge retention and motivation, so there you go.

In other news, as I was going for my morning jog through the cemetery I came across a lady's slipper. Lambskin with the fuzzy wool on the inside, dark brown, with a purple ribbon on it. lieing on the side of the path/road that went through the cemetery. Just one. Small. Either belonging to an adolescent or a small adult. More mysteries. Felt a little like a David Lynch movie.


I'm thinking about where I want to be, once I graduate. I've been on a long journey of learning, and though there is more to come, I feel like I'm about ready to find a home base and settle down. But where? I'm torn between Fairfield Iowa, where there is the highest concentration of very good long term friends, but little nature. New York, which has no nature, disgusting smells, too many people, and is just generally difficult, dirty, and depressing, BUT has another group of super awesome, high achieving, spiritually active friends. Where I am right now, which has beautiful nature, a nice community, but no friends. And some new mystery fantasy place where all my best friends are going to move to, surrounded by gorgeous nature and an awesome community.

The last option is just a fantasy, for now, and may never actually exist. And there are additional factors that I haven't even weighed in, like job availability and pay, and where my partner wants to live, if I end up with a life partner.

Probably the next step will become clear when it's time to take it, as it always has, so I'm not wasting too many brain cells on it. But it is on my mind. Mainly as I assess the area I'm in now and how it fits the criteria.

OK, definitely time to go. So much to do!

Much love, dear friends. If you happen to have found my magical fantasy location, let me know.

;-)

-I

Give me Anonymous Feedback! Yay!

I've created a google form so people can give me anonymous feedback! Please give it a shot. Don't hold back! (Don't be intentionally abusive either, but if that's what it takes, then I'd prefer that to nothing.) Now's your chance to let me know any areas I could use improvement on. They might not even be bad things, just things that are ok or even good, but that you'd like to see in even greater abundance.

Whatever you think would be most useful for me to know about myself, that I might not see clearly, because I'm too close to myself to see with proper perspective. Like a metaphorical piece of spinach in my teeth, or a fly zipper that's down.

Have at ye! The truth will set me free!

Here's the link (if you think of something else, there's no limit to how many of these you can submit.): https://goo.gl/forms/EemJgTiWgSMsf7sp2

Much love, dear friends, and thanks for helping me grow!
:D
Isaac

An Invitation

One thing that I miss, among the greatest joys and pleasures in my life, is a certain kind of conversation I used to have often when I was in college.

These conversations were usually had while walking, sometimes over the course of houres, usually one on one, but occasionally in small groups. They happened when I was with someone I felt I could be totally honest with, we both wanted to go deep, and the stars were aligned. We would speak truth, and listen with love, and something about the atmosphere allowed us to say things we had kept hidden from all the world. We would see each other deep down to the core, often things the other person did not even see themselves. Strengths and blind spots, triumphs and foibles.

And all this in a mood of softly loving acceptance and benevolence, though sometimes the truths were hard to hear. By the end of these conversations, we would both be changed, and that was the aim. To hold each other up, support our growth towards our dazzling final destination, and experience the pleasure of deep communion with another.

I miss these kinds of conversations. They were, are, one of my favorite things in life. If anyone would be interested in having one of them, I would be delighted. I may be a bit rusty, since I don't have them much these days (except with myself, I guess?), but I'd like to remedy that. Drop me a line, if you're so inclined.

The Vast Universe Within

Almost... school... break...

So this Saturday afternoon, one of my housemates heard the outer front door slamming in the wind, and went to close it properly, only to find a HUGE THIGH BONE wedged between outer and inner doors, keeping it from closing fully. His question to me the next day was, "So, anger any witches recently?"

My only possibly answers were, (And I think this first one is unlikely) some Trump supporter was showing his displeasure with all the Hillary and Bernie posters that were up in the front of the house (put there by the landlord, I'm not complaining, but don't have time for that kind of stuff. Though I'd put a sign up for Bernie, and not just because that's my dad's name.)

Or, more likely, some of the neighborhood kids thought it would be funny.

Anyhoo, pics or it didn't happen:





In other news, I had a nice dream last night. Made me feel loved. Thanks subconscious!


And another unrelated topic: one of the books I'm reading for class is interesting. It's hitting on some philosophical and practical ideas for lasting change that I've discovered through other writers, but had forgotten about, and this book seems to tie them together nicely. Let's see if I can quickly dig up the titles... the one I'm reading now for class is called "Seven Languages for Transformation" By Kegan and Lahey.

And it's weaving together and clarifying concepts from Rober Fritz's work, including "The Path of Least Resistance" and Byron Katie's work, including "Loving What is"

There are several very powerful ideas in it, but the one I'm enjoying right now is that, for all the things in our life that we want, and are not doing anything about, there are competing commitments we are not aware of. Other things we also want, that are motivating us to do those unhelpful things, or avoid doing the helpful things. To give an inelegant example, maybe I want to lose weight so I can feel good about how I look. But I'm continuing to eat junk food. Well that might be because I also want to eat Nutella, cookies, gummy worms, whatever.

It's not just that I have weak willpower, or the environment is making me do it (though they certainly have an effect!) No, I want that junk food. And sometimes that desire overpowers my other desire. And it's important to recognize and own that. It starts taking the mystery out of why we behave the way we do. Hopefully it gives us a bit of understanding and compassion for ourselves. We're probably not being dumb or intentionally self-destructive. We are being driven by things we want, that happen to contradict other things we want. Of course I want gummy worms, they're delicious! That desire makes perfect sense.

We tend to forget or not think about these competing desires because they are politically incorrect most of the time. It's "ok" to want to eat healthy. It's "bad" to want to eat junk food. So we don't own that desire. We push it away and think of it as something "out there" that's forcing us to go against our true and good nature. But I think there is more power and certainly more honesty in accepting that it's a part of us.

It feels kinder. It makes me think of the "shadow work" that some of my friends have told me about. Integrating all the different parts of who you are. The light and the dark. I think it had a Jungian basis.

I don't know if this sounds permissive, but it's not about just being ok where you are and then staying the same. There are further steps that all the books talk about to change the static "new years resolution" style problems, (you know, "I resolve to change this" and then a month later its back to where it was).

But before you jump to trying to fix the offending behavior, if you want the change to stick, this (according to the book) is one of the steps you need to take first. It is a step of deeper awareness. There's another, even deeper awareness step that comes next, but for right now, I'm enjoying the feeling of owning a part of me I had forgotten existed. The book quotes one of my favorite Walt Whitman lines to describe this:

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am vast, I contain multitudes."


-I Out

Never surrender to despair. Love fiercely, my friends!

Yes. I feel sick to my stomach, my shoulders hunch and my draw my head in like a turtle trying to escape into its shell when I think about what has just happened. Yes, it feels much like the grief from the loss of a dear friend. Yes. A person full of hate, bigotry, and dishonesty has been elected presedent of the United States, and their party holds the majority in both Senate and House. Yes, a large part of me wants to hide away somewhere, curled up into a ball, waiting for it all to pass. Or better yet, wake up from this nightmare.

But no, dear friends. Dear more than 50% of the people who actually voted (not the electoral college votes.) Dear lovers of your fellow man and woman, nothing has changed in what we must do. Our job, as always, is to listen with courage and compassion to our hearts, our conscience, and do what we know is right. And not to stand by when we see injustice happening in front of us. Which may be happening more often these next 4 years.

In good times and bad, this is our job. It would have been easier with Hillary. And we would have been able to keep moving forwards. Now it seems we will have to struggle with all our might to keep the current from washing us too far backward.

Take heart from the courage of others. This is not the worst humans have had to endure. Think of the people who ran the underground railroad. Think of those who hid minorities from the Nazis. Think of the people who had to live during the mad emperors of Rome like Nero and Caligula, lead poisoned, insane, inbread, literal murderers. Heck, think about the people who have to live in North Korea, right now. There are many situations worse than ours.

Are you upset? Angry, sad, terrified? That's understandable. But we are not helpless. We can't change the world by ourselves, but we don't need to. All we need to do is stand up, dust off, come together as brother and sister, and do what is right, one day, one step at a time. Don't give up, don't give way to despair, or hatred, and don't loose faith. If we each make the decision to do this (or something like it.) Then we change the whole world.

And even if not enough people join in, then still, on our deathbed, we can look back without regrets.

You don't have to do this alone. Don't try to go it alone. There are others eager to stand by your side on the path of love and light. Now especially we need to support each other. Together we are strong. It's something love has that hatred never will. Reach out to friends, family. We need to support each other so we can support everyone else.

Have the courage to change what you can, and the wisdom to know and accept what you can't.
The Bhagavad-Gita: You have control over action alone, never over its fruits.

So don't act only to get the results. Otherwise, when you don't get the results, you'll get depressed and quit. Act because it's the right thing to do. Because it's what love and truth would do. Then the results will come, and you will be able to persevere even when things seem darkest.

And things are not hopeless. Back to the Bhagavad-Gita, and the Mahabharat: the heroes of the story were humiliated and had their hard earned wealth and well-governed kingdom stolen from them through cheating. They wouldn't break their code of honor and thus were forced into gambling away their kingdom in an obviously rigged game. Then they were sent away to live like penniless hermits in the forest for 12 years, while the totally corrupt Duryodhana (the main antagonist) enjoyed an opulent lifestyle off his ill-gotten gains.

In their exile, the hero's were tormented by confusion as to why they, who always did what was right and good, should be suffering so much. The wise people who they talked to told them not to worry: righteousness always wins in the end. They would wind up even better off than they had started, and the bad guys were not gonna last very long at all. The ill-gotten gains would soon turn to misery and blood. And in fact there was a larger purpose behind all of it, whereby the whole collection of corrupt warrior-kings would be gotten rid of. And it came to pass just as they said.


Don't give up or give in to despair or rage or passivity.

Keep laughing and loving.

Look out for each other.

Do what's right, and speak out against what's wrong.

Roll out of bed each the morning, put on your shoes, and keep going, one day at a time.

Truth will win in the end, and Dharma (right action/righteousness) will protect those who protect it.

But that sometimes means getting up and loving fiercly when all you want to do is stay in bed feeling nauseous and watching Netflix.

This too shall pass.
We are not these bodies we wear like clothes, but the Sons and Daughters of Immortality.

In Courage, Faith, Determination, and Love,
Isaac

Brief snippets (with pictures!)

I no longer have any hope of "catching up" with my homework load. Though I do try to quickly read over old homework assignments that I've missed, I won't get to most of them, and there's more and more every week, and even just the ones for the week are more than I can reasonably do.

All that said, it should come as no surprise that this week is going to be a light entry.

In one of my adventures around the local, wonderful park, I discovered it's home to a massive an abundant supply of wintergreen. So prolific in fact that there are even lots of wintergreen berries. In my opinion one of the tastiest foods on earth. (A lot like a wintergreen lifesaver, but wilder, less sweet.) here's a picture of a particularly prolific plant:


It's rare to even see one berry on a plant, but so many... I was a good caretaker though, and left most of the berries for the birds, so they can spread the wintergreen even further.


In other news, the house I'm in is really old. So old the windows have started melting. When the sun filters through them, and the Venetian blinds, and maybe the waving tree branches, it creates beautiful patterns of light on my wall. I'm going to try and share some movies I took of it. I think it would me nice to watch on a loop with some meditative music in the background:

Finally, a newspaper clipping, I just thought the picture was hilarious. Found it in the hallway of Antioch, in the environmental science wing:

Good night, sleep tight, hopefully there are no bedbugs to bite.

Love to all of you, my friends. Take care of yourselves and do things that make your heart happy.

-I

I appear to be in a strange mood tonight.

I learned so many interesting things today!

1) If you leave sour kraut in the fridge too long, it becomes a disgusting slimy mass of gelatinous ick.

2) It is way easier to peel a sweet potato shortly after you've cooked it, then after you've left it in the fridge for a while.

3) I have developed a nervous eye twitch.

This last one I find hilarious. I suppose I should be worried that this is probably due to an excessive amount of stress, but I can't help imagining someone talking to be about... man, it could be just about anything. The rent is due. Did you remember to do X? How to you feel about our current political climate. Is it alright if I eat the last bit of ice cream?

And then imagining my eye starting to twitch... I just cracked myself up again. It's just so...extream. It's like a description from a pulp fiction novel.

I also kind of feel like it's yet another badge of becoming a real adult: congratulations, you've developed a stress-induced uncontrollable physical idiosyncrasy. Welcolm to being an adult in the real world. I'm pretty happy I didn't wind up with the irritable bowel one. And really it's pretty minor. I had to get really close to the mirror to see it.

Also, it's kind of useful. When my eye starts twitching, I now have an immediate reminder that I'm taking things a bit too seriously and need to mellow out a bit.

It's also kind of strange, really. I don't feel that stressed out. I mean, sure, I'm seriously behind on many, many projects, and there is no reprieve in sight. But it will work out alright. And it's not different than my fellow graduates. I don't feel much deep worry and concern, except sometimes for my SSE class, which is super important to me and I sometimes worry about letting my kids down.

I feel rather resistant to worry and stress overall. Certainly not impervious, but...thick skinned. Maybe I'm wrong, but I get the idea the majority of people are more stressed out about life than I am. I guess this is more work for a more extended period of time than I've ever done before. And I tend to trust my body to be honest about what is going on with itself. But it's kind of like a friend telling me,

"Hey man, whoa. Whoa. You need to take a serious chill pill. Go for a walk, get a massage, take a hot bath."

And I'm saying, "Ok man. You're usually right about these things so I'll chillax a bit. I don't mind taking a break. But I really don't know what you're talking about."

"Dude, your eye is twitching when you say that."

"Yeah? So? Let it. I'm doing fine. I don't even care. Let it twitch. Inside I'm all good."

"Look, I'm just saying, involuntary eye twitching is usually a sign of SERIOUS DISTRESS. So, y'know, do take that breather and stuff."

Thus goes the conversation with myself.

Hah! It just came back! Right now! Seriously, there is NO stressful trigger for this right now. I think there really make be some physiological thing going on, rather than a mental one. Like, maybe my heart beating faster can trigger it in some conditions, but so can purely physiological things.

You know what would be AWESOME? If I gained control of it, could make it twitch at will, and used that to give my opponents a false tell in the final high-stakes game of televised professional poker and won millions. That would be a sweet story. They would be like, "how did you do that?! We SAW your tell! you had nothing!" and I'd be like, "What, tell? This tell?" and make my eye start twitching. Camera would zoom in on my eye, pan back to the stunned looking poker opponents, cut back to me, "well, catch ya later." then I wink, with my twitching eye, and it stops twitching. I turn and walk away, whistling a jaunty tune. Bam. Acadamy award. Best director. Best actor, best script, best musical even though it's not a musical. I am accepting bids to write/direct/compose/Orsen Wells the script and we'll start at $115,000 for the preliminary treatment and go from there.

If I get any takers I can just write it in the five hours I open up every night by consorting with extra-terrestrials for a pocket dimension in which time flows at 1/5th the normal rate. Or, if I can't find those, by splitting my personality Fight Club style so Tyler Durden Isaac can sleep for me while I compose the script every night from 1-4am. I should have it done in 9 months, but I'm not starting without full payment in advance since I'll have to induce severe psychic trauma in myself to cause the split and that will be a pretty expensive operation to fix once I'm done.

I'd say I should be doing homework right now but I think this was a rather productive bout of writing so I'm happy with it. I suppose we will see how I feel Wednesday night when only one of the three huge projects is done and my eye is vibrating so hard I can't see out of it and need to start wearing a pirate eye-patch. (because come on, if I'm going to wear an eye-patch, then it should have a skull and crossbones on it. I can't squander that opportunity.)

Oddly yours,
the number three

Note: I revised the last post

Just a note that I did a very large revision of my last post. (After sharing it with my writing buddy.) So if you saw it before this post it might be worth re-reading at some point. I spent way too long on the revision so I don't know when I'll post something else of any length, though I'll try to post some more small things.

The Most Important Thing: Oranges, Miracles, and Magic.

I just ate an orange at a friends house that had more seeds in it than any I have eaten in working memory. 90% of the time I spent eating it was maneuvering the seeds out of my mouth. In thinking about this, I suddenly created/was struck by a new joke. Here it is:

At what point did I realize my oranges were inferior to other oranges?

When I noticed they had been superseded.

I feel like I just witnessed the birth of a star. I know stand-up comedians make up jokes all the time, but I guess I always thought of jokes as a static resource, something to be discovered and memorized. I knew someone must have made them up, but perhaps the were cognized by ancient sages or placed conspicuously by aliens where we would find them. But now I have seen one spring into being in my very own cranium. And I still have no idea how they are made. It just appeared there. This is why people make up stories about muses and divine inspiration. You can't explain or understand where brilliant ideas come from. One moment they're not in your awareness, the next they are.

Certainly the environment contributed, but that's no excuse. The environment is always contributing. Perhaps you can up the odds by certain actions, but ultimately, whether you come up with something unexpected and new, or not, is up to some mysterious working outside our conscious awareness.

Speaking of mysterious workings, this orange was eaten at a friends apartment. A very special apartment, and a very unusual friend. The apartment is littered with the aftermath of miracles. Paintings of Tibetan gods and goddesses and saints with sacred white ash growing on them, looking a bit like bread mold or frost on windows, organically growing out in small circles. There’s some on a picture of the Dalai Llama, and a few other saints. The largest picture also has a dark stain down the front of the glass, starting at the saint's heart. At one time, gallons of some substance that smelled and tasted like rose flavored honey was coming seemingly out of thin air, manifesting on the chest/heart area and flowing down, where the surprised owners of the picture put a pie tin underneath the picture to collect it and keep it from getting all over the table and floor. These friends don't advertise these occurrences. In fact they sometimes hide the pictures when they have people over who they don’t want to have to explain what happend (like their business partners.)

If you visited their apartment you probably wouldn't even think to ask about the light dusting of ash on some of the pictures or the weird stain on the big one and they don’t mention it unless someone else brings it up. You would just be put at ease by their hospitality, easy humor, and simple, unassuming manner. Then they would try to feed you delicious food and that would probably be the night. Maybe they’d ask if you wanted to meditate together, if you were obviously into that kind of stuff. That would probably be all you knew of them, unless you already knew to ask specific questions.

But if you start asking them about stories, they can keep you up all night, with one physical impossibility after the other. Not embellished, not long in the telling. About the countless miracles that happened, mysteriously, wondrously, for years, and then mostly stopped. About dreams predicting things that happened the next day. (“You’ll get the money you need for your project” “what? A million dollars is just going to fall into my lap?” The next day: *ring ring* “Hey Mary, we’ve got a backer and we’re set with the money now.”) And on and on, as long as you wanted to stay.

And they are not the only ones. I have heard person after person tell me more and more of these things. Reliable witnesses. Normal people, normal lives and jobs. Good people. Friendly, humble, simple. They don’t talk about the miracles unless someone asks.

This is an uncommon thing that I have been witness to. Like the birth of a joke, or a star. First, to be seeing the echo's of miracles, the stories of people who've witnessed things beyond sketchy and subjective feelings, phenomena that might be attributed to the subconscious or the placebo effect. This is not, “I he waved his hands over me and told me he was doing energy and then I kinda felt better.” or even “he waved his hands and along with traditional medicine, I got better from my serious illness.” This is gallons of something like honey coming from nowhere. Sacred ash completely covering pictures. People coming out of comas, being raised from the dead, cured of incurable cancer riddling their bodies with a touch.

Either there is a conspiracy of probably tens of thousands of sociopathic, expert liars, lying in wait, as sleeper agents, going about normal uneventful lives full of spiritual practice, unrecognized selfless service to those in need, and simple, un-ostentatious lives so they can give credibility to their mutually supporting lies when the rare curious spiritual seeker manages to find out their identity from other kind, simple, moral, service oriented people. All for the nefarious sociopathic purpose of occasionally instilling a little bit more faith in God to those rare few persistent seekers. For zero materialistic or social gain (always denying being personally responsible for the occurrences, or specially ‘good’ and deserving of them.)

I suppose you could play the mass hallucination card? Or they all have split personalities, one of which sets up elaborate fake miracles under the noses of their families?

At some point a while back, I realized that not believing this huge number of reliable sources would be denial and paranoia and irrationality on a massive scale. Honestly, it was quite a while back that I realized, at least logically and rationaly, that the world worked in ways people would call miraculous or magical. But after all this additional reinforcment, it’s finally sunk in to an emotional gut level realization.

The thing about this that is both delicious as rose-flavored honey and frustrating as slow drivers in front of you when you're late for work, is that the Dresden Files is right.

The Dresden Files is an urban fantasy novel series, and one of the things frequently mentioned, is that magic and the supernatural is all around us, but people don't know about it because they don't believe in it, so when they see it, they just explain it away as something else. Coincidence, hallucination, or a weird memory.

The reality seems to be, very clearly, that there is magic in this world, honest to goodness magic as magic as anything you've read. The really flashy stuff is way less common than in most of the books and seems to work differently that the imaginary magic systems (though sometimes not so different). And absolutely there is much, much more fake stuff. And there is some very confusing stuff that seems to straddle the line between fake, placebo effect, and something beyond what science currently can explain. I can usually tell myself when to wake up. I can often think myself out of being sick. Occasionally, in deep meditation, I know things and there’s no good explanation of how. I can meditate and feel a deep sense of joy and peace, for seemingly no reason. This stuff lies in a fuzzy realm that can maybe be explained by science, but sometimes it feels like the scientific explanation is getting a bit weak. Or starting to sound very unscientific.

But reliable second and first hand experiences seem to clearly verify that sacred substances can manifest on pictures, people can levitate, supernatural beings exist, life doesn't end when the body stops working, and there is an Omni-everything, deeply loving being that is intelligent and could rightly be called the Creator.

I'm super foggy on how it works, but you can develop what could easily be called, and viewed as, superpowers, or magic, and you can achieve something incredible as the culmination of human existence on earth, and it's called a lot of different things, but it's definitely worth the trip.

I wanted to be here for a long, long time. I wanted my proof. I wanted assurance. I wanted to know if magic, of the stories of saints, were real. I was a long haul, and I had to take several careful leaps of faith. And exert a tremendous amount of effort and persistence in the face of disappointing results. But I'm here now. I have my proof, beyond any reasonable doubt. And I would love to tell my about it, but, it seems that almost none of them belive me.

I have so many friends, interested in fantasy novels, gaming, star wars, etc., who would be ecstatic to know that the world is magical beyond anything they'd dared to hope. I've tried to tell them about what I’ve seen, but, though they put up with my eccentricities because they love me, perhaps even accepted that what I’m saying might be true, I wasn’t able to convey my experience. I wasn’t able to make them get up and dance for joy. Which is what I assume would happen if people realized deep down that the world is super magical.

Perhaps that is right and good. Perhaps you should not belive incredible things that go against your previous understanding of reality, on the say so of another person. Perhaps it’s even important that you yourself go through a long arduous journey of searching, repeatedly finding false leads and fake magic, before getting to step across that threshold. Perhaps the value of that knowledge requires you pay for it in sweat and dedication.

But imagine: you’ve just run into a wizard. They’ve told you with a wink that Harry Potter is basically true, and they they’ve whipped out a wand and transmogrified a lamp into a duck and back again. They take you home to a place like the Weasley's house for dinner, complete with family ghost, self sweeping brooms, and kits flying around the yard playing tag. You ask if it’s alright to tell your friends and the wizard says you’re free to try, with a little wink, and so you go home and tell your friends what happened to you. And they smile and nod and say that’s very interesting. None of them even ask to be introduced to the wizard. You always assumed those books about how magic is real and people just generally choose not to see it are a bunch of hooey, and yet, it seems like if your friends actually believed you, they would be going a bit crazier with excitement.

You look at your friend Pete. He owns all the Harry Potter books and knows all the lore, he plays Harry Potter role playing games. You can imagine him foaming at the mouth with joy to discover it is basically all real. But he doesn’t believe you. Oh how you wish you could give him that gift of knowing, but alas, you are not a wizard yourself. You cannot show, only tell.

One of my nightmares: I know something important, I’m trying to warn people, but nobody believes me, so something horrible happens.

This reminds me of a game I played last night called “The Resistance” where some of the players were secretly spies trying to sabotage the mission. As the leader went around the circle interviewing each player to hear their pitch why they should be on the mission, and why he should trust them, I said, “I am a spy. You shouldn’t trust me” Everyone laughed. I don’t know how many people believed me. I decided I would be an honest spy, so I simply did not lie for the whole game. That one guy actually ended up trusting me. (And I did not betray him or my word.)

In fact, the final round that determined who would win the game, ended up having me as the leader who chose the team. I told people point blank, that I would vote for the mission to succeed, and would let them determine who else was on the team, so they had an actual shot of not failing. But I think they didn’t believe me, and so most just gave up and didn’t even try to pick the non-spies. We failed the final mission. (So I guess I won, as a spy?)

I understand why most of the players didn’t trust me. And why people don’t just take my word that the world is totally different than most people believe. If the situation was reversed, I probably wouldn’t believe me either. But I feel kind of bad. Like I’m just not going about explaining it right. Like if I was just a bit smarter, I could convince people through simple obvious rational explanation. And then Pete could realize all his dreams have already come true, and if he really wants too, and works hard, he too can be a wizard.

That seems like a pretty awesome gift to give.

The most important thing about all this, though, is not the magic. Not the super-powers, not the fact that fantasy books are pale shadows of the fantastic-beyond-human-comprehension truth. No. The most important thing is what this means.

It means there are beings of truth and light. Not magicians or shamans or wizards, which are also real, (sometimes), but sages and saints and avatars. Beings that can lift up a mountain on their little finger, or create a mini-universe with a thought, or live forever, or have access to seemingly any information they want or do basically anything. And who are contented within themselves, and need and want nothing from anyone. They just want to see others happy. The most important thing, is that they exist, and what these beings of varying levels of omniscience say.

They say love all equally and unconditionally, and serve everyone without expectation of reward. They say cultivate good character and do good deeds. They say listen to your conscience and do your duty, with heart. They say seek the kingdom of heaven within, because realization of who you truly are is the greatest achievement in life. Far greater than any amount of super-powers (This from one of the more superhero-esk and magical personalities.) They say there is only one ultimate Truth, that is what is meant by the word “God,” and all paths, religions, names, and visions of it/him/her are fine, and all are referring to that same One thing. And you don’t even have to talk about it as God or name it at all, but it is the place you end up when you either seek the ultimate, or seek the truth of who and what you really are. They say it’s nature is Love, and Truth. (And if someone does something in the name of God that is not love and truth, it’s coming from that person, not from God.)

 

That's it. And in a world where monkeys with the intelligence of humans can grow to the size of a mountain and fly through the air like superman, that (not the super-monkeys) is what is really important. And that’s not because super-monkeys (I wonder how Hanuman feels about being called Super-Monkey?) are normal and ho-hum. Super-monkeys and wizards and gods and legendary heros are AWESOME. But this other, seemingly less flashy stuff, is actually even MORE awesome.

Your effort is not wasted. The goal exists. Not a watered down version of it. A full blown version of it. More significant that the ability to literally move mountains. So go for it full throttle. Or don’t. But know it’s there, waiting for you whenever you decide 100% to go for it.

Wizards are real, Pete, and you can be one. Though you can also be God, which, y’know, sounds even better. And doesn’t preclude being a wizard as well.

I suppose I should caveat: though all this is true, it's also true that there is LOTS of fake stuff and people who don't know what they're talking about and people who kind of know what they're talking about and etc. You must use your discrimination and common sense at all times or you're going to get turned around in circles or sent up a dead end.

Sorry. No giving over responsibility for your life to someone else. But I’ve found if I listen to my inner compass in the silence of my own heart with deep yearning and openness, that the inner wisdom will always give me the help and guidance I need. And I’ve heard similar reports from many other people.

I'm thinking now of something one of my teachers said. "I don't ask you to believe me. I just ask you to prove me right or prove me wrong." Perhaps it's not possible to really get, deep down, that magic is real, just from some words on a page. Maybe that's asking for too much. But what I can give is this: I searched for it, and I found it. You can too, though it may be a long journey, and probably many who start looking will end up giving up before the end. I'm happy to give suggestions for places to look, and maybe it can be a shorter journey for you. 

But the other stuff I mentioned, about love and seeking within, is much more important, so if you're already fully committed to that, and you don't care that much about the magic, then don't waste your time. In my mind the only real use of this knowledge is to strengthen faith and resolve for the great work necessary to realize who you always have been.

Love,

I

Intrigue

Just finished with the nadi leaf session. Not sure what to make of it. He was there, right on time. Perhaps he felt bad about the last session. It was not suspect at all like the previous nadi leaf reading was, where the guy obviously had just picked one of the few photocopies of leaves he'd brought with him and was re-using it along with some general astrology skills.

This was legit, this guy had a pack of palm leaves, sandwiched between two wooden boards, and put on a string. He asked me questions, about my parent's names, my name, profession, etc. Here's an odd part. Near the very end, he apparently had... I think it was two leaves, that were Isaacs, maybe Nevas as well, but he was asking if there was a third part to the name, that started with certain letters "R or V" for example. This made me wonder: are there actually two other Isaac Nevas's, who are going to get their nadi leaves read? That seems... kinda crazy.

He then said that he'd gone through the three hundred leaves, and none of them quite matched, so he was going to have to send away for another packet of leaves that he didn't currently have in his possession, and that would take a month or so. That seemed fairly legit. That is what would be expected if this was for real. If it wasn't, he wouldn't have wasted his time, rescheduling an appointment. Likely he would have just made something up.

Now for skeptical Isaac: As we went down the list, things seemed to be getting more accurate. The last two questions were about my name, and he was asking if there was a third name that I had. Which I probably hadn't written down. And another skeptical thought: if I wanted to seem impressive, I would ask a bunch of questions, get answers, record it, wait a while (the month he says it will take to get my leaf read) and then feedback all that information as if I was reading it from a leaf. However, I have recorded our session, so I can check back to see if he's giving me any new information. Also, he's a busy man, I don't see him wasting that much time on me.

One other thing: one of the leaves seemed fairly close. He was asking questions, to which I was replying "yes" quite a bit, but they were kind of more vague things, rather than specifics, that could have applied to several people. But then he moved on eventually. He probably could have kept going on that one if he'd wanted to, but he didn't. Seems like something someone would do who's used to having very accurate predictions, not so-so predictions.

In any case, I got called on time, he behaved in a non-suspicious manner, and I didn't get my leaf read. The journey continues. Mainly I'm happy not to have my time wasted like last time. But I'm also happy that he has not yet done anything that seems super sketchy, so it's still possible that I will actually get my leaf read. Also it's totally fascinating to hear the very beginnings of all those other leaves. Oh my god, could you imagine getting to read them? All those stories, written far in the past about people whose grandparents hadn't been born yet. With very specific, detailed information. none of those leaves were mine, but were they somebodies? Somebody who hasn't come yet? Or who already came, hundreds of years ago? What do they do once somebody finds their leaf? Do the put it in a separate pile?

Why have I kept getting delayed in getting my leaf read? Is it going to say something that would change the course of my life if I heard it too early? Am I just being teased to remove my attachment? Do I not have a leaf? What does that mean? Somewhere I think it says something to the effect that if you have the impulse and go to get your leaf read, that means you have a leaf.

This will all just have to remain an open mystery, for now.

Humiliation

The bittersweet taste.

Perhaps it is nothing, and I'm reading too much into it. But the online class I teach has been having low attendance lately. I can't help wondering if it's something I've done or not done.

I dearly want to be a good teacher. I'm ok being a poor teacher on the journey to that. But being a poor teacher who is not even told they are a poor teacher is worse. If I know what I'm doing wrong, I can change it. But when nobody tells me what's wrong and how I can improve, It makes things a lot more difficult.

I know, from studying learning, that the best way to get better is to practice in a carefully thought out and structured way, practice a lot, and get immediate feedback. Learning to teach this online values and morality class, There is no carefully structured training curriculum (and even if there was I'd have zero time for it in addition to my Masters degree), I don't get to practice that much, and I get little to no feedback, except that which I collect myself, which is obviously biased and untrustworthy, since I'm not a mind reader.

But humiliation is a bittersweet taste, not purely bitter. It reminds me that I still have attachment and ego left to deal with, and it means I have something I can be learning, if I choose to humble myself and learn it.


In other news, I'm trying for the second time to get a Nadi Leaf reading via Skype tomorrow morning. Last week, I waited 4 hours, after calling twice to check on what was going on, and with my third call discovered that they had left the office. Needless to say I was quite angry. And felt disrespected. More bittersweet flavor to my life. We will see if they actually call tomorrow, and how late they are. And we will see if they have anything remarkable to say. I googled my own name to make sure they're not just doing the same and feeding me that information. Also, I'm not getting my hopes up. I got my hopes up the first time. Now I'm just bracing for a second disappointment.

I can't afford to be disappointed, or get hung up on something. I have work to do. And I've already gotten one bum Nadi leaf reading, that I should have been more discriminating about during the process and called them out. I think I can safely say that reading has turned out to be totally inaccurate in any predictive way, now that I've had a few years to look back on it. But I likely could have called it halfway through. And should have, and then demanded my money back.

Well, you'll get the skinny one way or another next time, if I remember.

A little something

Hello :-)

This is written in the few minutes between work and bed. I'm getting better at reading things quicker and skimming, but still have a ways to go. The readings are so interesting! It's a great problem to have, but still, I need to resolve it so I can keep my life balanced. I mean, I think my life is somewhat balanced, I guess. But I want to make even better use of my time.

It's kind of hard for me because I am a turtle person. Meaning I'm naturally slow. That's my pace, that's how I work. I can't just become a rabbit person. But I would like to be a get-er-done type person.

Today I went for a walk with some of my classmate friends on a bike trail. It was sunny and seventy and the trees were flame red and orange and pink and yellow. I picked up a plump green caterpillar from the bike path and put it in the grass, and saw a squirrel with three acorns in its mouth.

I woke up at 5am and did papers and presentations and my brain felt like a liquid by the end of the school day, and then I took a nap and did another paper and some more reading. Aside from the walk, I watched a twenty-minute episode of "Adam Ruins Everything" and now I'm going to bed. I'm not slacking off. Yet I'm still quite behind, and I'm not yet certain that I'm catching up.

I do feel like I'm getting better though. I think I may be catching up. I think I'm getting better at reading quickly. Small improvements, but improvements. This is good news. If I can change a little bit, I can eventually change a lot. And my struggles seem to be having the desired results (learning how to be more efficient.)

Sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm not doing what I think I should be doing. The majority of the time, I'm happy, and always, I'm optimistic. Maybe that's the wrong word. I have faith. Or, I have Trust. I trust the universe, God, and thus myself. And I'm ok failing repeatedly. I know that's what happens when you're learning a lot, and I know to learn from things when they don't go well. And I'm soft with myself. It's a softness that smells like crushed cedar leaves and feels like those translucent matte red yew berries... That is to say, soft and nurturing and clean and fresh and real. (though apparently Yews are quite poisonous aside from the red cup-shaped berry part that's technically called an aril (but including the seed inside the berry, so don't eat the seed.)

My center of gravity is shifting, has been shifting, to a kinder more mature place, and it feels very honest and strong and grounded. Still with lots of failure and ups and downs, but all that happening around this nice center of gravity that keeps moving towards something bigger.

homesick twinges, instructional books, and magical parks

Just wanted to get a little something out. Feeling a smidge homesick, especially for Fairfield. Got a book on how to handle crazy college workload. I'm hopeful it will help somewhat, though setting up the habits and routines is taking more time upfront. But it was a quick read because only a few part's applied strongly to me, and it seems like generally good advice. Not great, but good enough to work with and modify to my own needs. And learning the skills to do that will be nicely applicable to the rest of life. Basically, I'm trying to learn how to get a lot of stuff done well without working 24/7 and burning out.

I love haveing huge quiet part that is a 7-minute bike ride from my house. I go for walks most mornings and the beauty is often stunning. A few days ago I saw a beam of light piercing through the V of a tree, it's whole length illumined in the morning mist, rain droplets falling and floating down into existence and back out hypnotically, and then I noticed my breath fogged into the beam and turned to a muted rainbow as it curled and spiraled through the light in pleasing rounded shapes. I stood there, breathing misty fractal rainbows into the sunbeam until it disappeared because the sun moved, and I was dizzy, either with the beauty, or because I was mildly hyperventilating while breathing into the sunbeam. Maybe both.

This is the kind of set-up I want for my permanent abode. I thought it was true, and I have confirmed it. I am super happy when I am near really pretty, fairly undisturbed nature that I have easy walking access to. And I guess I like the mixture of small town and lots of stuff going on that a college town provides. This is good. I'm starting to hone in on location parameters for where I might like to live long-term. I'll find out if I'm ok with the winters soon.

I O

A little is a lot better than none

And it is this philosophy (the title) that makes me write something, thought I don't have time for anything long, well planned, or properly edited. Hello dear friends, Romans, and countrymen. I think of many of you often with love, and wish I could sit and have tea and crumpets with you in person.

Graduate school is (and this should come as no surprise) a huge quantity of reading and homework. I was behind and am now finally almost caught up. However I'm saying goodbye to my Manhatten SSE students, which means about 10 hours of driving and taking the train, all told, to get there from Keene, New Hampshire and back again. 

I also needed to switch out the car I was using (my dad's Subaru) for my car (my mom's old car) and pick up any stuff that I'd wished I'd had over the last few weeks. In any case, travel is not just a lot of time, it's also a lot of energy, so I've got to make good use of this trip, since I don't know how often I'll be able to make it. Especially since this crazy semester is going to be the LIGHTEST one. It will be fine, I just need to reacquaint and refine my somewhat disused academic skills and get better at doing a 'good enough' job on projects that are less important. Without a time-turner it is the only way I can figure out. I've been learning all this time, but the way you learn in school is different and much more paper heavy than the way you learn in real life.

Which is interesting and perhaps something I should note, as a future teacher.

Much love to you all. Here is a picture of a very cute cat in the bed of some friends I met in New York.

^_^

Isaac

Rain Day

This post is going to be longer than it should be. It needs to be super short, because I have MONDO amounts of work to do. In general, and in specific, tonight and tomorrow morning. Graduate school is a lot of work, especially until I find the right balance of skimming to comprehension.

Anyhoo, on to the story.

My old car (now in the hands of a good friend.) seemed to have a curse associated with it: Whenever I would forget to roll up the windows, it would rain. The frequency and correlation if this ended up making some of the inner paneling fall off, the glue molded away from all the times it got wet right by the windows.

At first I was angry, thinking the universe was taunting me, but I quickly decided to look at it more as a playful and harmless prank. The universe trying to make my life a little more interesting and funny. At some point, I realized it worked so well, that I would occasionally leave my windows open on purpose, when there was a bad drought going on, to tease the rain out, so to speak. It always made me laugh, of often and quickly it seemed to work. (though it would often wait just long enough that I was distracted and the car got nicely wet.

Eventually I learned my lesson and rarely to never left the windows down, even during hot days.

Just tonight though, I was thinking about this power my car seemed to have, and how where I'm living now has been going through a drought. Perhaps one of it's worst in recorded history. The tree's were starting to suffer and show bad signs. There was a newspaper article about the leaves turning for fall, more prematurely than ever before, because of the drought. So, I decided to bring the rain. Or at least give it a shot.

Kind of like some kind of modern rain dance ceremony, I purposefully left the car window down (not my old car anymore, one I was borrowing from my parents.) the fact that the car would get kind of wet seemed like the sacrifice made, the lowering of the window was the ritual. Then I forgot about it, and went to work on my massive pile of reading. And then,  just now, I heard rain, for the first time since I'd moved there. I quickly went down, to close the car window (don't worry dad, it was only open a little bit for a short time) and, with a prayer that it keep raining even though I was closing the windows, I rolled them back up. (generally, the longer my windows were down in the rain before I rolled them up, the heavier the rain.)

I don't have a good explanation for why that happened.

I'm kind of entertained at the thought that people who don't believe in a benevolent intelligence to the universe (which I call God) could probably do some math and prove that it was just probability and my brain seeing patterns where there weren't any.

It's amazing to me how flexible the universe seems to be. For the most part, you can have wildly different world views, and the universe allows you to keep believing the one you want.

In any case, as far as I'm concerned, It's magic, and it's the universe acting like a playful puppy, as it sometimes does. Though that still doesn't really describe the why. It feels like there is an underlying order to it, but what it is, I can't grasp, and don't have the tools to experiment and figure it out quickly. But it is one of my long-term goals.

OK, that's all I have time for and more. Graduate school is teaching me what it's like to repeatedly be unable to finish all my homework satisfactorily. Hopefully this next week will be better since I've got more time and more of an idea of how long it takes. (and more of an idea of what level of textual analysis is expected.)

See ya  ^_^
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