Oh. My. Lord.
It's been quite a day or two. It seems like in life, often not much happens to break routine, for a while, and then all at once, it's crazy.
I've been going a little crazy over the last week, for a good reason. So, I believe I said I'd been 'not dating' in an attempt to meet someone. Fun and difficult, that journey. Well, as hoped and planned for, the search has born fruit! Right now and for a bit, I've been swimming in limerence, the scientific term for that first stage of attraction that feels terrific when it's reciprocated and horrible when it's not. It's a bad time to make intelligent decisions, but it's great fun when it's mutual. I barely slept 3 hours last night. I couldn't. You know that jazzed feeling of something romantic budding with someone your really attracted too. ah l'amore. Unnecessary for a healthy happy relationship, but fun. it's the best-friend-ness that's what's really necessary. Not just friend-ness, it must be best-friend-ness. and we have that too. That's what I'm really excited about. Who knows where it will go, but one step at a time, it is deeply gratitude inducing. And good spiritual practice for letting go of expectations and attachment)
But then I had to travel, on those 3 hours of sleep (probably more like 1.5). And still high off of the night before. as the final plane was coming in for it's descent, I was bone weary. That was hours ago. I then had to contend with a horrible car rental company that had given away my car because I hadn't come within 3 hours of the time I signed up for (I have no recollection of being informed of that caveat while renting it) and forced me to rent a more expensive one. And then tried to sell me a bunch of extras, some of which seemed really important and I had to have the lady there try to explain to me what the heck was going on with the toll lane passes, what the difference was, if I even was going to go on them, while a line of other people mounted... (I did NOT sign up for any of their extras. so at least I didn't get additionally fleeced. Never sign up for the extras if you can help it.)
Then I had to drive to my airbnb, which I had rented that morning, because it sounded like the family I was planning on staying with didn't want me to stay at their house. (I could have been wrong about that, but the airbnb was much closer anyways, and I wouldn't feel back working as soon as I got home, so it's more convenient anyways.)
I got to the airbnb, checked my email, and found out that I was supposed to have sent an email address so the person could send me a code to get into the house. I tried to respond but couldn't get into my airbnb account, I tried to text and then call but their phone seemed to be off. The house was distinctly different from all the other houses, though they all looked expensive well manicured suburban, this one had a whole bunch of political posters up on it's lawn, the car in the driveway was old and busted up, (highly unusual in this kinda middle upper class development.) and then the garage door opened, and a very thin middle aged man with a bushy goatee stumbled out, fumbled around clumsily with something, knocking something down, then walked back and closed the garage door. I was wondering if the house was being used as a drug den, and if I was going to have to sleep in the car, but I rang the doorbell. Furious, loud barking from at least two, maybe three dogs and the blurry shapes of them jumping from behind frosted glass. the faint voice of someone, almost sounding like it was coming from the doorbell, which looked like an intercom/camera deal. I waited for a long time. Finally I well put together maybe early 40's woman opened the door, looking distracted, and trying to rein in the ENORMOUS two dogs that were barking and pushing at me, and the much smaller white one that was the barker.
She seemed friendly, though preoccupied, and welcomed me in. The horse dogs (great danes) we nuzzling up to me for pets, and I got led up to my room where I met the man, obviously with a limp, I could now tell, who was trying to get a curtain rod or something up. a nice total reversal of the initial fear, as I was sweating in my car, roomless, parked outside some kind of potential drug manufacturing business. Nope. Kind couple with friendly giant dogs (and yippy small one.)
All this on my deranged state of mind. And somehow I have to get my brain together for tomorrow, where I need to be super focused and diligent for my observations and note-taking. It's surreal. It feels surreal. maybe that's the lack of sleep talking. Anyways, this is the end of the post. I still need to figure out somehow what time I'm supposed to get to the school tomorrow morning.
and then figure out how long it will take to get there, wake up early and review the huge number of very specific steps I need to make sure Im taking, the specific formatting and specific things I'm looking for, review one of the theory papers at least to help me take notes, pick up lunch so I don't have to travel off-site and loose observation hours...
so, I need to go to sleep now. But someone should know. Know about my crazy week. It's just begun. Man I hope it's a bit more mellow, at least once I finish with observations, at the end of the day, and don't have to travel or anything. Right now I'm thoroughly verklempt. But despite all the craziness and sleep deprivation, can't really be anything but deeply happy.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
joy de vivre from the awareness of the inevitable demise of my constantly decrepifying mortal frame. and a long chat on relationships
Man, I got up waaaay too early today. I went to bed a bit late, and then woke up, and just couldn't stop thinking. Think-think-think. I went for a long-ish walk to try and walk out some of the energy while doing more thinking.
What was I thinking about? Well, dear readers, dear tea-goers, there are a few differences between actual tea with me and this medium, the main one being that it's between you me and like 50 other people (I refuse to believe that the subscriber count on my thingy-majigger is accurate and I've got over a thousand subscribers, that just seems nuts.)
In any case, if I'm dating, I'm not going to share much in specific, since there are other people involved and I want to respect their privacy. So certainly no names or identifying specifics.
But to be general, one of the things I've discovered, having started not-dating a little bit, is one of the hardest things is letting a nice person know that your not interested romantically. I mean, I perhaps should have realized that, but I haven't really had to do it like this before. Once I had man I didn't know send me a long letter essentially asking if I was interested. (this was after one of my improv dance performances. Funnily enough, I was telling this to another male dancer in the troup, who then admitted he thought I was gay as well and that I was interested in him and he was conflicted because he really liked me as a friend but didn't think he was bi. And he was relieved to know I was not interested in him. Something about being a male dancer maybe makes people assume that? Or the fact that I'm good at being platonic-ish around women? (which I think may be a little problem when I am trying to date them...))
Anyhoo, another thing I didn't think would be difficult, is the opposite situation, realizing a woman I'm attracted to does seem like a good fit. I know, first world problems, to be sure, but dang it, you sat down with me for tea, I'm talking about what's up in my life.
When suddenly it seems like I could be dating someone, maybe, in the foreseeable future, I think of the relationships I've had, the pain as things got bad, and how much I want to avoid that, in the future. And so I'm metaphorically biting my nails and wondering, what can I ask, what can I do, to try and screen for that, before we go too far and all the oxytocin and other intense emotional bonding chemicals do their work and make the eventual break up so painful.
My 'girlfriend in canada' (just my term for an imaginary girlfriend you say you have so people don't think you're a girlfriend-less nerd.) was long distance from day two or three, and though we met up in person around thanksgiving and I think we maybe could have,... ya know... during that time, I really didn't know her that well yet, and so distinctly didn't want to. We cuddled, and it was nice. And I'm so SO glad we didn't do anything, since we then broke up a month or two later. That was far and away the most amicable break-up I've had.
As much as possible, I'd like to repeat that. There is, I'm sure, a lot that you can't know until you are deep in a relationship. But anything I can know, any flags that are possible to see ahead of time, I'd like to. Is this abnormal? I guess a lot of people are fine kinda getting to know each other a bit, sorta-accidentally falling into bed together, then discovering that things aren't really working out and then they get worse until they break up. And, well, look at other cultures, and a lot of people are fine having a couple tea's together, talking about kids and values and their dreams for the future and then getting an arranged marriage if they generally like each other and the families get along.
And those work slightly better on average than the western way of choosing a marriage partner, the love-mate way O.o
Which does lend a lot of credence to the idea that people don't realize how much of good relationships is about both partners (especially the men, who I think are less likely to have them) having the social-emotional skills that make relationships work.
Which should make me feel more comfortable, right? But it doesn't. I suppose it's really the same old story as the rest of my life these days: all I can do is all I can do. I'll do my very best, to figure out beforehand. And then if we're in a relationship, I'll do my very best, with that. I've got Gottman's crib-notes, so I suspect I'll be doing a lot of things better. And then if it's still not enough... learn from my mistakes and try again, a little wiser. Wash rinse and repeat until I succeed. Boring but it works.
It's pretty simple, really, when I think about it. I guess the potential for something so close draws up old feelings; fear, helplessness, being in a relationship when it seemed like no matter what I tried, I was hurting the other person. I really don't like hurting other people. It's funny, that sounds noble, but at least the way it manifested, it was unhelpful:
"oh, you're feeling bad, and it's about me, now I feel bad and guilty and am emotionally flooded so I'm shut down and can't help you or even express my own emotions, and so now you feel more disconnected and it's a horrible downward spiral."
At least now I have something to try, "I'm feeling emotionally flooded right now, I'm physically incapable of listening well, can we take a 20 minute break and then come back to this and we can try again with some of the skills that allow for a more gentle and productive discussion." (and then I go and brush up on the chapter on resolving conflict and communicating about it in healthy relationship-strengthening ways.) It may feel a little awkward and artificial at first, but my god is it gentler and less stressful on the heart. And I'm sure once I get better at it, like anything, it can become more fluid and natural.
I'm at least not doing the funny definition of insanity thing: trying the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. I can channel that desire not to hurt others towards productive actions now, learning and practicing principles with solid scientific experimental backing.
Bottom line: I'm over-thinking things. Because I'm nervous about messing things up in various ways, relationship-dating-wise.
But in general, things are very nice. Less productive than I'd like. But dang it, I'm done putting off looking for a relationship. I waited until I finished my Masters, and then I kinda waited another year, on someone else. This mortal frame is slowly decrepifying with every passing breath (as are we all past about the age of 25). And finding a good partner takes time. This task deserves some of my time and energy. A satisfying marriage adds significantly to health, perceived satisfaction with life, and emotional well being. Especially for men, who are generally worse at maintaining strong social networks as they age. (unhappy marriages/relationships can have the opposite effect though, making you less healthy etc. than no relationship).
Can't say that's my main reason, but it is highly logical, captain Kirk.
OK, definitely time to sign off. So much to do before school starts up again tomorrow, and I've got another meeting for my Sunday volunteer thing tonight. I'd quit it but I love it so much. I wish I could do it as my full time job. It's teaching children, but specifically and explicitly teaching human values, truth, right-conduct, good character etc., with some spirituality as well. Heaven. I get to sprinkle that in while I'm teaching, and could do much more I think, just weaving it into the day to day, if I only had the time and energy to plan for it. But I don't. But I am getting better, week by week, at teaching and management, so surely there will come a day when I can put more and more of that into practice, and then I'll be dancing come Sunday night, rather than starting to feel anxious about the school week to come. That's definitely my goal, and I believe it is attainable. It may take a while, but if I don't give up, I seem to be able to accomplish just about anything I set my mind to.
I am super looking forward to spring break, starting a week from now. Even though I'll be working straight through, traveling and doing classroom observation for my Montessori certification, it will be a change of work, something with far less responsibility than a classroom teacher. Just need to observe carefully, scientifically, and take copious notes. And write papers. And probably work on other homework when I get back from the school. Still, it's at least 1/3 of a vacation, just from the extended change of type of work. This still sounds kind of bad doesn't it? Eh, one and a half to two more years. I can manage.
Good bye, good spring, happy Saint Patrick's day.
Keep on lovin' in effective scientifically validated ways,
-Isaac
What was I thinking about? Well, dear readers, dear tea-goers, there are a few differences between actual tea with me and this medium, the main one being that it's between you me and like 50 other people (I refuse to believe that the subscriber count on my thingy-majigger is accurate and I've got over a thousand subscribers, that just seems nuts.)
In any case, if I'm dating, I'm not going to share much in specific, since there are other people involved and I want to respect their privacy. So certainly no names or identifying specifics.
But to be general, one of the things I've discovered, having started not-dating a little bit, is one of the hardest things is letting a nice person know that your not interested romantically. I mean, I perhaps should have realized that, but I haven't really had to do it like this before. Once I had man I didn't know send me a long letter essentially asking if I was interested. (this was after one of my improv dance performances. Funnily enough, I was telling this to another male dancer in the troup, who then admitted he thought I was gay as well and that I was interested in him and he was conflicted because he really liked me as a friend but didn't think he was bi. And he was relieved to know I was not interested in him. Something about being a male dancer maybe makes people assume that? Or the fact that I'm good at being platonic-ish around women? (which I think may be a little problem when I am trying to date them...))
Anyhoo, another thing I didn't think would be difficult, is the opposite situation, realizing a woman I'm attracted to does seem like a good fit. I know, first world problems, to be sure, but dang it, you sat down with me for tea, I'm talking about what's up in my life.
When suddenly it seems like I could be dating someone, maybe, in the foreseeable future, I think of the relationships I've had, the pain as things got bad, and how much I want to avoid that, in the future. And so I'm metaphorically biting my nails and wondering, what can I ask, what can I do, to try and screen for that, before we go too far and all the oxytocin and other intense emotional bonding chemicals do their work and make the eventual break up so painful.
My 'girlfriend in canada' (just my term for an imaginary girlfriend you say you have so people don't think you're a girlfriend-less nerd.) was long distance from day two or three, and though we met up in person around thanksgiving and I think we maybe could have,... ya know... during that time, I really didn't know her that well yet, and so distinctly didn't want to. We cuddled, and it was nice. And I'm so SO glad we didn't do anything, since we then broke up a month or two later. That was far and away the most amicable break-up I've had.
As much as possible, I'd like to repeat that. There is, I'm sure, a lot that you can't know until you are deep in a relationship. But anything I can know, any flags that are possible to see ahead of time, I'd like to. Is this abnormal? I guess a lot of people are fine kinda getting to know each other a bit, sorta-accidentally falling into bed together, then discovering that things aren't really working out and then they get worse until they break up. And, well, look at other cultures, and a lot of people are fine having a couple tea's together, talking about kids and values and their dreams for the future and then getting an arranged marriage if they generally like each other and the families get along.
And those work slightly better on average than the western way of choosing a marriage partner, the love-mate way O.o
Which does lend a lot of credence to the idea that people don't realize how much of good relationships is about both partners (especially the men, who I think are less likely to have them) having the social-emotional skills that make relationships work.
Which should make me feel more comfortable, right? But it doesn't. I suppose it's really the same old story as the rest of my life these days: all I can do is all I can do. I'll do my very best, to figure out beforehand. And then if we're in a relationship, I'll do my very best, with that. I've got Gottman's crib-notes, so I suspect I'll be doing a lot of things better. And then if it's still not enough... learn from my mistakes and try again, a little wiser. Wash rinse and repeat until I succeed. Boring but it works.
It's pretty simple, really, when I think about it. I guess the potential for something so close draws up old feelings; fear, helplessness, being in a relationship when it seemed like no matter what I tried, I was hurting the other person. I really don't like hurting other people. It's funny, that sounds noble, but at least the way it manifested, it was unhelpful:
"oh, you're feeling bad, and it's about me, now I feel bad and guilty and am emotionally flooded so I'm shut down and can't help you or even express my own emotions, and so now you feel more disconnected and it's a horrible downward spiral."
At least now I have something to try, "I'm feeling emotionally flooded right now, I'm physically incapable of listening well, can we take a 20 minute break and then come back to this and we can try again with some of the skills that allow for a more gentle and productive discussion." (and then I go and brush up on the chapter on resolving conflict and communicating about it in healthy relationship-strengthening ways.) It may feel a little awkward and artificial at first, but my god is it gentler and less stressful on the heart. And I'm sure once I get better at it, like anything, it can become more fluid and natural.
I'm at least not doing the funny definition of insanity thing: trying the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. I can channel that desire not to hurt others towards productive actions now, learning and practicing principles with solid scientific experimental backing.
Bottom line: I'm over-thinking things. Because I'm nervous about messing things up in various ways, relationship-dating-wise.
But in general, things are very nice. Less productive than I'd like. But dang it, I'm done putting off looking for a relationship. I waited until I finished my Masters, and then I kinda waited another year, on someone else. This mortal frame is slowly decrepifying with every passing breath (as are we all past about the age of 25). And finding a good partner takes time. This task deserves some of my time and energy. A satisfying marriage adds significantly to health, perceived satisfaction with life, and emotional well being. Especially for men, who are generally worse at maintaining strong social networks as they age. (unhappy marriages/relationships can have the opposite effect though, making you less healthy etc. than no relationship).
Can't say that's my main reason, but it is highly logical, captain Kirk.
OK, definitely time to sign off. So much to do before school starts up again tomorrow, and I've got another meeting for my Sunday volunteer thing tonight. I'd quit it but I love it so much. I wish I could do it as my full time job. It's teaching children, but specifically and explicitly teaching human values, truth, right-conduct, good character etc., with some spirituality as well. Heaven. I get to sprinkle that in while I'm teaching, and could do much more I think, just weaving it into the day to day, if I only had the time and energy to plan for it. But I don't. But I am getting better, week by week, at teaching and management, so surely there will come a day when I can put more and more of that into practice, and then I'll be dancing come Sunday night, rather than starting to feel anxious about the school week to come. That's definitely my goal, and I believe it is attainable. It may take a while, but if I don't give up, I seem to be able to accomplish just about anything I set my mind to.
I am super looking forward to spring break, starting a week from now. Even though I'll be working straight through, traveling and doing classroom observation for my Montessori certification, it will be a change of work, something with far less responsibility than a classroom teacher. Just need to observe carefully, scientifically, and take copious notes. And write papers. And probably work on other homework when I get back from the school. Still, it's at least 1/3 of a vacation, just from the extended change of type of work. This still sounds kind of bad doesn't it? Eh, one and a half to two more years. I can manage.
Good bye, good spring, happy Saint Patrick's day.
Keep on lovin' in effective scientifically validated ways,
-Isaac
Sunday, March 10, 2019
not-dating, not-doing, not-worrying
There are so many things I'm thinking about, and so little time to write about it all. How fast can I do this?
Dating: I don't really want to delay the process of looking for a cool person to travel through life with, grow with. Especially since I'm interested in a family. I finally felt like I had a sliver of extra energy, as I've started getting less exhausted by work, and was getting a handle on my work for the summer Montessori training. So I was trying to dip my toes into the dating thing.
I never did the normal teenager dating thing. I was too shy. So I didn't really learn it. I'm doing ok now, but there's lots to learn, and whenever your learning something new, it can require a lot of additional energy input. There might be a certain binary nature to dating, where I can't just dip a toe in, because there's a certain amount of emotional angst associated with it, at least for novices. Not all the time, but every now and then. Me being anxious before-hand, and doing what I often do when I'm nervous about something: read and research it. Me overthinking things afterwards, and not being able to focus on my other work. Perhaps I don't really have enough time in my life for it yet. Though my dad has explained to me that what I do cannot be classified as dating, it's far to tame. The best term I have for it so far is "not-dating" which I suppose captures the essence of it, just like people say, "oh, it's not a date" just to keep things feeling relaxed when your going out to coffee or lunch or a walk-and-chat. Both parties may be kinda sorta checking out the other person, but in a very non-commital and low threat way. Which I think may be a better way to get to know someone than the high pressure high stakes traditional "dating."
But anyhoo, I digress. I'll see if there is anything I can do that doesn't go over the little sliver of time/energy I do have.
Also thinking about how I've gotten somewhat off-track with my deeply nourishing morning routine. It's so much harder when it's not an every-night thing. And I've got my Friday-night games with friends that's like the best part of my week, and that's a little bit of a later night. And sometimes there's contra, and sometimes I'm trying to write my blog sunday night and it's already 8:40. And if I just muscle through it... I end up with fatigue headaches, and I lose my edge, my creativity, my ability to go beyond my current paradigm, I start making mistakes, forgetting things.
But maybe it's time to try it again, maybe it's not as bad as I'm remembering it.
If it was the only intense thing I had to focus on, I could get myself back in a jiffy, but there's LOTS of things that need my attention and strategizing summer is coming and with it the due dates on all sorts of homework, classroom observations, lots of stuff, in addition to work, which is plenty all on its own. I can do it, I think, but I don't know that I can do it, and reset my routine. One of the main rules of habit change is, focus on one change, one new habit, at a time.
I've had so many changes over the last few years, as soon as I've gotten a steady routine down, it's all mixed up again. I'm hoping that will settle out, over the coming years.
OK, I need to wrap this up... thinks are hectic, but all is well. I continue my steady improvements to my life, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it, because everything keeps getting shaken up and changed, but even that, I'm getting better at managing. I look forward to the day where... what's that quote? I think it was a famous author or something, who had a very ritualized start up routine to get into writing, and said something like, 'be super predictable, with your routines, so you can be wildly creative, with your work.' I like that idea. Sounds good. Also feeling like I have all the skills I need to do my job really well. I look forward to that day, that feeling. Flow. Tasks that require high skill, and you have the skill required to meet the task.
Good night, good week, everyone.
Still haven't gotten to that awesome dream. In a nutshell: if your worried about life's problems, look up at the night sky, think about how big the universe is, how vast and beautiful, and how truely small your problems are, in the grand scheme of things. There's really no need to worry, about anything. Certainly do your best, follow your rightness, be deeply engaged and active in life. But don't worry. This is the advice I'm working on following, at the moment.
Dating: I don't really want to delay the process of looking for a cool person to travel through life with, grow with. Especially since I'm interested in a family. I finally felt like I had a sliver of extra energy, as I've started getting less exhausted by work, and was getting a handle on my work for the summer Montessori training. So I was trying to dip my toes into the dating thing.
I never did the normal teenager dating thing. I was too shy. So I didn't really learn it. I'm doing ok now, but there's lots to learn, and whenever your learning something new, it can require a lot of additional energy input. There might be a certain binary nature to dating, where I can't just dip a toe in, because there's a certain amount of emotional angst associated with it, at least for novices. Not all the time, but every now and then. Me being anxious before-hand, and doing what I often do when I'm nervous about something: read and research it. Me overthinking things afterwards, and not being able to focus on my other work. Perhaps I don't really have enough time in my life for it yet. Though my dad has explained to me that what I do cannot be classified as dating, it's far to tame. The best term I have for it so far is "not-dating" which I suppose captures the essence of it, just like people say, "oh, it's not a date" just to keep things feeling relaxed when your going out to coffee or lunch or a walk-and-chat. Both parties may be kinda sorta checking out the other person, but in a very non-commital and low threat way. Which I think may be a better way to get to know someone than the high pressure high stakes traditional "dating."
But anyhoo, I digress. I'll see if there is anything I can do that doesn't go over the little sliver of time/energy I do have.
Also thinking about how I've gotten somewhat off-track with my deeply nourishing morning routine. It's so much harder when it's not an every-night thing. And I've got my Friday-night games with friends that's like the best part of my week, and that's a little bit of a later night. And sometimes there's contra, and sometimes I'm trying to write my blog sunday night and it's already 8:40. And if I just muscle through it... I end up with fatigue headaches, and I lose my edge, my creativity, my ability to go beyond my current paradigm, I start making mistakes, forgetting things.
But maybe it's time to try it again, maybe it's not as bad as I'm remembering it.
If it was the only intense thing I had to focus on, I could get myself back in a jiffy, but there's LOTS of things that need my attention and strategizing summer is coming and with it the due dates on all sorts of homework, classroom observations, lots of stuff, in addition to work, which is plenty all on its own. I can do it, I think, but I don't know that I can do it, and reset my routine. One of the main rules of habit change is, focus on one change, one new habit, at a time.
I've had so many changes over the last few years, as soon as I've gotten a steady routine down, it's all mixed up again. I'm hoping that will settle out, over the coming years.
OK, I need to wrap this up... thinks are hectic, but all is well. I continue my steady improvements to my life, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it, because everything keeps getting shaken up and changed, but even that, I'm getting better at managing. I look forward to the day where... what's that quote? I think it was a famous author or something, who had a very ritualized start up routine to get into writing, and said something like, 'be super predictable, with your routines, so you can be wildly creative, with your work.' I like that idea. Sounds good. Also feeling like I have all the skills I need to do my job really well. I look forward to that day, that feeling. Flow. Tasks that require high skill, and you have the skill required to meet the task.
Good night, good week, everyone.
Still haven't gotten to that awesome dream. In a nutshell: if your worried about life's problems, look up at the night sky, think about how big the universe is, how vast and beautiful, and how truely small your problems are, in the grand scheme of things. There's really no need to worry, about anything. Certainly do your best, follow your rightness, be deeply engaged and active in life. But don't worry. This is the advice I'm working on following, at the moment.
Monday, March 4, 2019
Sick. Working a lot. Mysterious good dream.
I already did my post for the week, but it feels weird not doing one closer to Sunday. The power of good habits, I suppose. So a bit more updates:
I had a dream in the morning hours, on Sunday, that was so moving it made be bawl like a baby. It's a bit long so I'll have to save it for later.
I'm sick as a dog, but not quite sick enough to stay home from work. Just sneezing and blowing my nose all the time and tired and have to be careful what I eat. But I spent Sunday just resting and being sick, so I didn't get any personal stuff done this weekend (because Saturday was all teacher trainings: trainings for my job, and trainings for my volunteer teaching that I do Sundays (thankfully we didn't have class this Sunday, I think the training was instead of class.)
So now I'm behind on taxes, but not in any desperate way. I will just have to go on extension. Too much work right now to explain why.
Spring break is coming up soon. I will be working during that too, traveling to do a school observation for my Montessori AMI training, but hopefully it it will be somewhat break-like, as my job will be much simpler and less responsibility than my normal job. Just taking copious notes. And hopefully I'll get a chance in the evenings to work on some other Montessori homework, if I've got the energy and space to do so.
It's -19 right now, with windchill, so school is a delayed start, so maybe I'll get to take a little nap before I head out. Trying to get as much rest as I can so I can get over this bug.
It's normal when I'm sick, but even in general, I've gotten a bit off my routine. Not totally, but I've been getting up a bit later, more like 6 am, and doing shortened versions of most of my things, meditation, yoga, etc. At least I'm maintaining the habit somewhat, even a few minutes is way better than nothing, because it keeps the habit strong, but I am trying to get back to an earlier bed-time and thus earlier rise-time and thus more time for the stuff I love. When I started my routine, I just got up at the same time no matter what, but with my current job, doing that is rough. Getting enough rest has a protective influence against stress, and being a first year primary teacher is stressful, with all the new things being learned, mistakes being made, new responsibilities, energy expenditure, physical and mental and emotional.
Even so, the good news is that it is slowly getting better. At the very beginning of the year, I was so exhausted I didn't have time for anything else in my life, I just totally collapsed during the weekends, now I'm getting stuff done during some of the weekend, and even a bit during the evenings.
I read that we're working more hours now than we ever were in the past, and I kind of resent it. It's become the norm, like it's expected, but just because something is the norm, doesn't mean it's healthy or a good idea. I want more time/energy in my life for family and friends and my own hobbies and interests. I think the whole "work super hard and neglect those things and it makes you a good person" is an insidious idea, probably supported by the few super rich people who make disgusting amounts of money on the backs of the hardworking lower-class. I think working hard is admirable, but our time should be balanced between work, physical activity, play, family, spirituality. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy, and all that.
Hopefully the intensity continues to ramp-down so the other elements of my life can have more breathing room. Likely, at least once I finish my AMI training, I'll have a lot more breathing room. Until then, I've just got to enjoy the intense training I'm getting at how to work super hard for an extended period of time. It's probably good for me. Balance is best, but a bit too much work is better than too little, and this is teaching me by necessity to manage my time and energy carefully.
Bye for now, have a good week, my anonymous tea-buddies (and the few friends and family who I know read this)
-Isaac
I had a dream in the morning hours, on Sunday, that was so moving it made be bawl like a baby. It's a bit long so I'll have to save it for later.
I'm sick as a dog, but not quite sick enough to stay home from work. Just sneezing and blowing my nose all the time and tired and have to be careful what I eat. But I spent Sunday just resting and being sick, so I didn't get any personal stuff done this weekend (because Saturday was all teacher trainings: trainings for my job, and trainings for my volunteer teaching that I do Sundays (thankfully we didn't have class this Sunday, I think the training was instead of class.)
So now I'm behind on taxes, but not in any desperate way. I will just have to go on extension. Too much work right now to explain why.
Spring break is coming up soon. I will be working during that too, traveling to do a school observation for my Montessori AMI training, but hopefully it it will be somewhat break-like, as my job will be much simpler and less responsibility than my normal job. Just taking copious notes. And hopefully I'll get a chance in the evenings to work on some other Montessori homework, if I've got the energy and space to do so.
It's -19 right now, with windchill, so school is a delayed start, so maybe I'll get to take a little nap before I head out. Trying to get as much rest as I can so I can get over this bug.
It's normal when I'm sick, but even in general, I've gotten a bit off my routine. Not totally, but I've been getting up a bit later, more like 6 am, and doing shortened versions of most of my things, meditation, yoga, etc. At least I'm maintaining the habit somewhat, even a few minutes is way better than nothing, because it keeps the habit strong, but I am trying to get back to an earlier bed-time and thus earlier rise-time and thus more time for the stuff I love. When I started my routine, I just got up at the same time no matter what, but with my current job, doing that is rough. Getting enough rest has a protective influence against stress, and being a first year primary teacher is stressful, with all the new things being learned, mistakes being made, new responsibilities, energy expenditure, physical and mental and emotional.
Even so, the good news is that it is slowly getting better. At the very beginning of the year, I was so exhausted I didn't have time for anything else in my life, I just totally collapsed during the weekends, now I'm getting stuff done during some of the weekend, and even a bit during the evenings.
I read that we're working more hours now than we ever were in the past, and I kind of resent it. It's become the norm, like it's expected, but just because something is the norm, doesn't mean it's healthy or a good idea. I want more time/energy in my life for family and friends and my own hobbies and interests. I think the whole "work super hard and neglect those things and it makes you a good person" is an insidious idea, probably supported by the few super rich people who make disgusting amounts of money on the backs of the hardworking lower-class. I think working hard is admirable, but our time should be balanced between work, physical activity, play, family, spirituality. All work no play makes Jack a dull boy, and all that.
Hopefully the intensity continues to ramp-down so the other elements of my life can have more breathing room. Likely, at least once I finish my AMI training, I'll have a lot more breathing room. Until then, I've just got to enjoy the intense training I'm getting at how to work super hard for an extended period of time. It's probably good for me. Balance is best, but a bit too much work is better than too little, and this is teaching me by necessity to manage my time and energy carefully.
Bye for now, have a good week, my anonymous tea-buddies (and the few friends and family who I know read this)
-Isaac
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