Man, I got up waaaay too early today. I went to bed a bit late, and then woke up, and just couldn't stop thinking. Think-think-think. I went for a long-ish walk to try and walk out some of the energy while doing more thinking.
What was I thinking about? Well, dear readers, dear tea-goers, there are a few differences between actual tea with me and this medium, the main one being that it's between you me and like 50 other people (I refuse to believe that the subscriber count on my thingy-majigger is accurate and I've got over a thousand subscribers, that just seems nuts.)
In any case, if I'm dating, I'm not going to share much in specific, since there are other people involved and I want to respect their privacy. So certainly no names or identifying specifics.
But to be general, one of the things I've discovered, having started not-dating a little bit, is one of the hardest things is letting a nice person know that your not interested romantically. I mean, I perhaps should have realized that, but I haven't really had to do it like this before. Once I had man I didn't know send me a long letter essentially asking if I was interested. (this was after one of my improv dance performances. Funnily enough, I was telling this to another male dancer in the troup, who then admitted he thought I was gay as well and that I was interested in him and he was conflicted because he really liked me as a friend but didn't think he was bi. And he was relieved to know I was not interested in him. Something about being a male dancer maybe makes people assume that? Or the fact that I'm good at being platonic-ish around women? (which I think may be a little problem when I am trying to date them...))
Anyhoo, another thing I didn't think would be difficult, is the opposite situation, realizing a woman I'm attracted to does seem like a good fit. I know, first world problems, to be sure, but dang it, you sat down with me for tea, I'm talking about what's up in my life.
When suddenly it seems like I could be dating someone, maybe, in the foreseeable future, I think of the relationships I've had, the pain as things got bad, and how much I want to avoid that, in the future. And so I'm metaphorically biting my nails and wondering, what can I ask, what can I do, to try and screen for that, before we go too far and all the oxytocin and other intense emotional bonding chemicals do their work and make the eventual break up so painful.
My 'girlfriend in canada' (just my term for an imaginary girlfriend you say you have so people don't think you're a girlfriend-less nerd.) was long distance from day two or three, and though we met up in person around thanksgiving and I think we maybe could have,... ya know... during that time, I really didn't know her that well yet, and so distinctly didn't want to. We cuddled, and it was nice. And I'm so SO glad we didn't do anything, since we then broke up a month or two later. That was far and away the most amicable break-up I've had.
As much as possible, I'd like to repeat that. There is, I'm sure, a lot that you can't know until you are deep in a relationship. But anything I can know, any flags that are possible to see ahead of time, I'd like to. Is this abnormal? I guess a lot of people are fine kinda getting to know each other a bit, sorta-accidentally falling into bed together, then discovering that things aren't really working out and then they get worse until they break up. And, well, look at other cultures, and a lot of people are fine having a couple tea's together, talking about kids and values and their dreams for the future and then getting an arranged marriage if they generally like each other and the families get along.
And those work slightly better on average than the western way of choosing a marriage partner, the love-mate way O.o
Which does lend a lot of credence to the idea that people don't realize how much of good relationships is about both partners (especially the men, who I think are less likely to have them) having the social-emotional skills that make relationships work.
Which should make me feel more comfortable, right? But it doesn't. I suppose it's really the same old story as the rest of my life these days: all I can do is all I can do. I'll do my very best, to figure out beforehand. And then if we're in a relationship, I'll do my very best, with that. I've got Gottman's crib-notes, so I suspect I'll be doing a lot of things better. And then if it's still not enough... learn from my mistakes and try again, a little wiser. Wash rinse and repeat until I succeed. Boring but it works.
It's pretty simple, really, when I think about it. I guess the potential for something so close draws up old feelings; fear, helplessness, being in a relationship when it seemed like no matter what I tried, I was hurting the other person. I really don't like hurting other people. It's funny, that sounds noble, but at least the way it manifested, it was unhelpful:
"oh, you're feeling bad, and it's about me, now I feel bad and guilty and am emotionally flooded so I'm shut down and can't help you or even express my own emotions, and so now you feel more disconnected and it's a horrible downward spiral."
At least now I have something to try, "I'm feeling emotionally flooded right now, I'm physically incapable of listening well, can we take a 20 minute break and then come back to this and we can try again with some of the skills that allow for a more gentle and productive discussion." (and then I go and brush up on the chapter on resolving conflict and communicating about it in healthy relationship-strengthening ways.) It may feel a little awkward and artificial at first, but my god is it gentler and less stressful on the heart. And I'm sure once I get better at it, like anything, it can become more fluid and natural.
I'm at least not doing the funny definition of insanity thing: trying the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. I can channel that desire not to hurt others towards productive actions now, learning and practicing principles with solid scientific experimental backing.
Bottom line: I'm over-thinking things. Because I'm nervous about messing things up in various ways, relationship-dating-wise.
But in general, things are very nice. Less productive than I'd like. But dang it, I'm done putting off looking for a relationship. I waited until I finished my Masters, and then I kinda waited another year, on someone else. This mortal frame is slowly decrepifying with every passing breath (as are we all past about the age of 25). And finding a good partner takes time. This task deserves some of my time and energy. A satisfying marriage adds significantly to health, perceived satisfaction with life, and emotional well being. Especially for men, who are generally worse at maintaining strong social networks as they age. (unhappy marriages/relationships can have the opposite effect though, making you less healthy etc. than no relationship).
Can't say that's my main reason, but it is highly logical, captain Kirk.
OK, definitely time to sign off. So much to do before school starts up again tomorrow, and I've got another meeting for my Sunday volunteer thing tonight. I'd quit it but I love it so much. I wish I could do it as my full time job. It's teaching children, but specifically and explicitly teaching human values, truth, right-conduct, good character etc., with some spirituality as well. Heaven. I get to sprinkle that in while I'm teaching, and could do much more I think, just weaving it into the day to day, if I only had the time and energy to plan for it. But I don't. But I am getting better, week by week, at teaching and management, so surely there will come a day when I can put more and more of that into practice, and then I'll be dancing come Sunday night, rather than starting to feel anxious about the school week to come. That's definitely my goal, and I believe it is attainable. It may take a while, but if I don't give up, I seem to be able to accomplish just about anything I set my mind to.
I am super looking forward to spring break, starting a week from now. Even though I'll be working straight through, traveling and doing classroom observation for my Montessori certification, it will be a change of work, something with far less responsibility than a classroom teacher. Just need to observe carefully, scientifically, and take copious notes. And write papers. And probably work on other homework when I get back from the school. Still, it's at least 1/3 of a vacation, just from the extended change of type of work. This still sounds kind of bad doesn't it? Eh, one and a half to two more years. I can manage.
Good bye, good spring, happy Saint Patrick's day.
Keep on lovin' in effective scientifically validated ways,
-Isaac
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