The end of Thanksgiving. Family, Gottman, and the importance of letting go of attachments.

Well, Thanksgiving happened, I traveled, I got to spend time with my family which was very sweet. I feel like my relationship with them has only gotten better and better over the years.

Probably similar to that old Mark Twain Quote:

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

Clearly the joke is that it was actually Mark Twain who had grown in those seven years. And likewise, I think my parents have always been kind and wonderful, but I've gotten a lot better at being  kind and wonderful back, and appreciating them properly. Same with the rest of my family.

It was mostly really nice to finally see my Girlfriend, but we got into a little bit of intense talk, a result of me feeling like I couldn't broach the more serious topics via email, and so this was my only opportunity. But we worked it out pretty well, I think. I made use of some of what I'd been learning from John Gottman's books and that was really helpful. Still, it was sad to have some of our brief time together be less than joyful. But now I know it's ok to bring up the serious issues via email, so that's a relief. Though one thing that has be down is her adjusted time-frame for when she'll have time for more than a quick text at night: probably not until at least the end of her schooling. That's 2.5 more years. And then after that, if she gets a job, it's probably going to be super busy for that as well. I was prepared to wait it out patiently for a year, though it would hurt, but that's some bitter medicine to swallow. I'm not sure what it means for the relationship, but in certainly means I need to re-evaluate. I still think she is amazing and would make a great partner... but I need a bit more time of actually interacting with her to confirm this. And I don't know when I'll get that time. Could be years.

I'm feeling down, due to that. And anxious, about starting up teaching again. Always seems to happen, first day back to school after not teaching for a bit. No school yesterday, because of a blizzard. Thank God; I was so tired from all the activity and travel, I slept in for a total of like 12 hours. I think I was also mildly sick.

But now we start up again. I realized that a big part of my anxiety and then fatigue from teaching is I've got a big attachment to being great at my job. Nothing wrong with wanting to do your job well, but it's the whole equanimity thing: be equal in success and failure, pleasure and pain. When you, when I, try and cling too tightly to something being one way, or pushing away something else, it makes me unbalanced, unhappy, and unproductive.

I noticed this particularly with my creative endeavors, like acting and improv dance: it is when I'm not afraid of failure, when I'm not attached to success, that I take risks and have fun in a way that is very effective and productive. When I get to worried about failing, I clam up, get too conservative, stop having fun, stop being as focused and energetic.

I hope someday I can have the same kind of fun teaching, as I do with improv dance. That took many years though, and lots of practice, improving my skills. So I suppose I should be patient with myself, in this current area... though, on the other hand, I was able to get into that state even from early on, with improv dance.

I think it's more of a mental block than an impossibility. But it's harder than dance because it's not just something I'm doing for fun, it's my job, and there are a bunch of other people involved. Much bigger responsibility. More planning needed. More people involved, more complexity, more challenges, higher stakes. Makes sense that it would be more challenging.

Alright, back I go.
On the plus side, the pressure keeps me focused and working hard, which I like.

Much love to my loved ones, and well-wishes to all of you.

(my email subscription widget says there's like a thousand emails signed up to get this, which seems insane. I'm assuming I'm reading it wrong or it doesn't notice when it gets unsubscribed or something. the idea that many people are interested in reading my little tea conversations does not compute, so I generally try to forget about it and just write like I'm writing to a few close friends and family.)

Deer. 3:30am wake-up. Gratitude, excitement, designer jeans.

“I’m feeling as distressed right now as your stylish designer jeans"

(random made-up quote)

I stood and stared at a deer that was in my yard this morning for a minute or two. I was just going outside for my early morning walk/run, and it was a little adolescent, still not full grown. It was less than ten feet away from me, but I guess because I didn't startle when I saw it, and I'm very quiet, it was startled by the sound of the door opening and closing, but not moving because it wasn't sure if I'd seen it, I guess. meanwhile, I got to marvel at it's beauty and cuteness, basically as long as I wanted, as it occasionally looked around, mostly still. I eventually had to move because I had lots of things to do this morning, but it was quite a treat.

(this is not my deer, but it looked similar. maybe a little older, and it was snowy out, like this picture.)

I'm working on a program to improve my touch typing. I have high hopes that I'll get quite good at touch-typing using this program, simply because I find the process of touch typing quite relaxing. I put on some classical music, and just get to zone out while my fingers move in fine synchrony like the symphonies I'm listening too. For a long time, the tap tapping of keys and the complex, muscle memory dance of my fingers skipping across letters and making my thoughts form on paper... er, screen, has had a soothing effect on me.

I think my favorite times with this was when I was ranting to myself in my private journal on apple's simple text program, which happened to have a fairly robotic sounding text to speech feature. I would rant and rave, typing as fast as I could, not caring about the massive amount of typos, streeeeeeaching out words and using lots of ALL UPPERCASE and exclamation points!!!!!!! to get across the vehemence of my impotent rage at my condition, myself, my world etc. some people have primal scream therapy sessions, I had a primal journaling routine. Then I'd have the text to speech robot try and translate my stew of swears, passion, and drawn out letters, and laugh out loud at it.

But even when it wasn't quite that intense or satisfying or humorous, the process of typing out my free flow thoughts has been quite satisfying and soothing to me. handwriting, though great for retention of what is written, cannot hope to keep pace with a racing mind, whereas typing, as long as you don't care about spelling, errors, etc, can kind of keep up, most of the time.

So in any case, the practice itself is enjoyable, which I think is a key to getting good at something.

From what the research says, it takes a lot of practice to get really good at something (though it takes far less to reach a state of competency, the whole thing kind of leveling off like a logarithmic graph.)



For those people putting in 4+ hours every day to achieve eventual mastery, they'd better enjoy the process itself or they'll probably never make it.


In other news
I'M SO HAPPY!

Why? Because in one more day I will be on Thanksgiving Break! This means
a) I get a good five days of at least semi-rest before going once more into the breach (work).
b) I get to see my girlfriend in person, after many many months.

It's also always nice to spend time with my family. I quite enjoy them. I love my immediate family especially, but I love my relatives too. They are such. diverse group, in their personalities and beliefs and preferences, and yet they all have a common thread of wanting to do good. And they all care about family, and try to be accepting of other people's differences. I may not have lots to talk about with many of them, who have different interests, but I still love them and appreciate them, and enjoy their company.

I guess I'm a little nervous, bringing my girlfriend. They're super nice and welcoming, so I don't think there's anything to worry about, but I hope they get along and she feels welcomed and comfortable and they like each other. You can always be hospitable but you can't control your reflexive response to someone, that's just... I don't know what to call it, resonance, compatibility, chemistry. That's generally talked about in terms of romantic partners but there's an element of it among all acquaintances. Best friends are people you have really good compatibility/resonance with. And what makes people really good friends... I'm not sure. It might be very similar to what makes people compatible romantic partners, minus the sex parts.


Welp, I'm going to go pack what I can and get as prepared as possible for my trip Wednesday morning. I'm already tired and I want to make sure I can go to bed super early tomorrow night, because I have to get up REALLY early to drive to the airport and catch my flight. It's at... 6:20am I think? and I'm about an hour and  a half away. so...  I should leave around 4am. So I should get up around 3:30 am so I can brush my teeth etc. That's pretty early even for me.

It's going to be nice to not have the intense energy consumption required of teaching for 5 days, but I also kind of wish I had more free time during this break, to work on all the various projects I want to work on. With traveling and spending time with family and my GF, there's going to be very little time to actually get ahead with any work. I'll have to wait till Christmas break for that, I guess.

On the positive side of all this super heavy work, I think it is good for me, especially as I learn to navigate the stressors with less anxiety and worry. Even without excessive worrying, there is still a fairly intense pressure to perform at a high level, and that's pushing me to be more efficient and more dynamic. It's really the weekends, where I don't feel like every minute is precious, that my good routines fall apart. And that's fine, because I always have the week to whip me back into shape, and then try again next weekend, dragging more and more of that focus and efficient dynamism into the tasks I want to get done on the weekends (one of which is deep rest and recuperation, so don't worry too much about me burning out by overworking on the weekends, I'm trying to take that into account.)

That's our tea for the week!



Much love,
Isaac

Thanksgiving for Thanksgiving

I said there might be days (weeks) like this, where all I have time for is a brief few paragraphs.

I'm looking forward to thanksgiving break. I'll likely get to see my girlfriend, who I haven't seen in person since we met that fateful night a little under a year ago. So that's very exciting.

And this week is parent teacher conferences Friday, so while there is work, it is a much mellower, less exhausting work. And then just two days in the next week, and I get a nice long break. That is happifying to look forward to.

Though I'm continuing to try and figure out how to make my job sustainable; I'd rather look forward to the school days and be sad when I can't teach on the weekends. I think it's possible. What's getting in the way? I think part of it is my perfectionism and fear of doing a bad job. That causes a lot of useless anxiety and guilt. I think I'd be happier and less stressed/anxious, and probably a better, more playful teacher who tries more things, if I was better at self-compassion and not worrying about things I can't control, past mistakes and possible future mistakes. I can stay aware and alert and do my best without the worry and guilt. Mostly they just get in the way.

But also I want to spend a bit more time studying. Studying books etc. on teaching, classroom management, taking more time to think and plan and problem solve. And figuring out rest/work balance, so I feel well prepared but also not burnt out from overworking. Those are all things I'm thinking about in my spare minutes as I try and tweak my life to be more joyful and myself to be more effective at my job.

Love, happy forthcoming holidays,
Isaac


P.S. I'm reminded of some TED talk wisdom on buying happiness. Aside from giving to others, one of the best bangs for your buck is to plan something you're looking forward too. Then all the time leading up to it, is also enjoyable, as you savor and think about what you're going to do. So I'm savoring my future thanksgiving break, now as well.

Healer heal thyself. Odysseus pro strats vs Sirens. Mud, vacations, and psychic showers.

Again I find myself past the weekend, writing my blog.

On the plus side, I put some serious energy and thought into recuperation and purification, and it seems to be working. I'm not doing any less work, in fact, I'm doing more work.

But what I've changed is I'm using all the tools in my arsenal, from precommitments and implementation intentions, to Odysseus contracts and social accountability, to steer myself towards some more rejuvenating recovery time. Mostly on the weekends, but a few minutes during the week as well.

First off, I tried asking the friends I was hanging out with Friday and Saturday night, to help me leave and go to bed earlier. I'd call that an Odysseus contract. (I wonder if I need to explain that more completely. yeah, probably.)

An 'odyesuss contract' comes from the part of the Odyssey where Odysseus is about to sail by the sirens. he's curious what their song is like, to be able to lure men to their deaths, but he also doesn't want to die, so he has all his sailors plug their ears with wax (the best kind of Odysseus contract/precommitment strategy) and tie him up to the ship mast, with very clear instructions not to untie him, no matter what he says, until they are clear of the sirens. They sail by, the sirens, sing, Odysseus yells and begs his men to let him go, they don't, and then they're clear. So the idea is, set things up, so when your willpower is weakest, you have other things in place to make sure you're steered in the right direction.

In my case, some friends who will help remind me that I really do want to go to bed on time, and also, by reminding me, implicitly state that it's OK for me to leave (which is one of the reasons I end up staying later than I mean to: I feel bad about leaving.)

That worked very well. The next hurdle was when I got home, actually going to bed. This part didn't work great, but I did set clear intentions, and it went better than the previous week, and way better than the week before that, so hopefully it's a good pattern.

I then set implementation intentions and pre-decided that Saturday morning was for getting some of my Montessori training essays done (at least two) and then do some spiritual purification. I actually did a full on half-hour long guided meditation to energetically and emotionally cleanse myself, among other things. It's hard to get myself to decide to do something like that, once the weekend actually roles around and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, but deciding in advance what I would do and when, made it much easier (though still far from perfect, for example I didn't get the essays done until the afternoon) in addition to just a few minutes of some other meditations and techniques to help clean myself.

This is something I postulated was important, and it seems to be confirmed. I've heard many of my friends who do therapy, or energy work, or even massage, mention that they have to clean themselves after a day of working with clients. some of what they work with is like cleaning mud off people, and in doing so, eventually you get mud on you, and you need to make sure to give yourself a shower at the end of the day. I think teaching is like that. You are interacting with all of these people, some of which have a lot of emotional mud on them, and you're trying to help clean it off, direct them towards better choices, build self esteem, comfort, be compassionate, problem solve, inspire, discipline. It is sometimes like trying to clean off some very sticky mud from someone. A cleaning job that you have to work at for weeks and months, perhaps years.

When I realized that my own energy was getting dirty and I started doing something about it, it made a big difference. It's still a super intense, demanding job, I still feel anxiety sometimes, and I am tired and brain-fried by the end of the day. But taking even a little bit of time, to consciously do things that clean me up, emotionally, energetically, makes a very big difference in the quality of my life.

Which means I can be more present and compassionate for the kids, and have more energy to do the seemingly endless tasks that need doing. And have a bit more energy for facing the truly challenging tasks.

But it's just the first week of this, so perhaps too soon to tell. For now I'll keep working at it, since it seems to be doing good things.

And I can't wait for Thanksgiving, and even more so, Christmas break. Oh how I crave a longer weekend. If you are a new teacher or know a new teacher, the first year being really intense is a real thing. (and I've heard that can continue to be intense through the second year as well), be compassionate with them/yourself.

With Love,
-I Out