My mother has informed me that I'm 'overthinking this whole dating thing.' And so I will try to follow her wisdom and simplify. I think I can get it down to a few basics:
I want someone who I get along with in that same wonderful way I get along with my very best friends.
I want someone who's not just a romantic partner, but a spiritual partner, someone who wants to walk the path of Self-realization, self-actualization, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it, together. This is and will likely always be my primary aim, and frankly, all my very best friends share this hard to define but easy to feel quality, so I maybe don't need to seperate it from the general best friend thing.
All this is not hard to notice, given enough time with someone. To that effect, I also think the best way to approach 'the whole dating thing' is how I would approach getting to know a friend, that is, without all the high-pressure judging and comparing to some kind of list. I suspect if I see it, I'll know it, as long as we're being open and authentic and not heavy with the expectations of the future or burdens of the past. (which, I realized, would make it super difficult to connect heart to heart and get to know even the best of my friends, so why would I do it with a date?
After some time, if we realize we've got that kind of resonance, then most of the little things probably won't matter so much, and I can do due diligence on the few things that do, if they haven't naturally come up, before deciding whether or not to move beyond the simple getting-to-know-you phase of things.
So this weeks post is early, since it sounds like my previous post made some people worry for my mental sanity. I suppose that's the downside of posting on a regular day, sometimes you'll get me at an upswing, sometimes at a downswing. So do I go back to a less regular schedule, and only post when I'm not in deep and stormy thought? I don't know, I think tea-time is a come-as-you-are affair.
Oh, and here's the inspiration for the title of this post:
https://youtu.be/O8beQPnPhtU
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Gottman. Idiosyncratic Dating. Your best is always good enough.
Almost missed it again, but I took a break to start wrapping up the day, and as I puttered around, I remembered my blog and my desire to get back to doing it Sundays.
I think people gravely underestimate the value of open time, when your mind is free to wander. I love listening to books on tape and educational podcasts while I'm cleaning up and doing laundry and such, but it can be nice to let my mind wander a bit. Gives space for things that have been forgotten, to bubble up.
I worked a lot this weekend. Sunday was all work. Saturday was a mix. Work in the morning, and then play in the afternoon... but...
So as I think I mentioned, I've broken up with my distance girlfriend, who to many of my friends seems like the classic, "no really, I've got a hot girlfriend, she just lives in Canada" trope, since they've never met her, and she's elusive online. In any case, I'm back to dating.
But man, I'm not a fan of dating. I didn't grow up dating. I grew up being a super shy nerd. My dating experience is very small. First girlfriend, I knew she was interested, so that step got skipped. Second one, we were already friends, and I suspected she was interested, so again, the initial, and even secondary dating step got skipped. Third one, we basically had one crazy date, and then were... 'going steady' is I think an accurate term, though archaic, to delineate monogamy from the 'dating' I'm talking about. The whole 'getting to know you with the unstated but clear subtext that we are checking each other out to see if we are compatible and interested in a monogamous romantic relationship.' Which is not yet in the monogamous stage, so you can do it with a bunch of people at the same time. Which is maybe necessary, to find someone your compatible with?
Those monogamous relationships ended, and I was, am, left wondering, how I'm supposed to predict whether the next one is going to end in a similar fashion. And I'd like to predict it before forming all the emotional connective tissue that then gets ripped apart painfully when a couple separates.
How much can you tell about compatibility, within the first ten minutes? the first hour? week? year?
Here's a statistic that makes me pause: apparently couples in arranged marriages last at least as long and as happily as the ones that happen via dating. In fact they seem slightly better as measured on those parameters. And personality compatibility (the kind of thing that dating sites use. Are we 'similar' in interests) have no correlation to happy partnerships.
So what the heck am I even supposed to be looking for?
I've just been browsing Gottman's blog, which has nifty stuff like this article
so rather than try and summarize it, you can explore and draw your own conclusions. It's getting late.
But it's on my mind. To briefly and perhaps incorrectly summarize what I've gathered: What is most important is how you interact with each other, how you talk to each other. All the subtle stuff Gottman talks about. Also a factor is style of communication, are you avoiders, validators, or volatile (see this article) and what is your meta-emotional style (how do you feel about feelings: let's talk about them, or let's not, seems kinda related to the previous one.) A big factor is having a shared... vision, dream, project? Something that the couple is working on together. Not 100% clear what that means, but seems to be anything from running a business together to devoting your lives to Jesus. Something shared, that gives meaning, purpose, that you can work on and towards, together.
Chemistry, pheromones, is real too, but that's simpler, doesn't take that long to figure out, and has smaller influence.
Also, apparently happy couples tented to attribute their happiness to making it work, rather than compatibility, while unhappy couples tended to blame compatibility. So perhaps compatibility is a bit of a straw-man.
?
I don't know. That's why I'm writing about it. It confuses me. I think it confuses a lot of people. I think even many of the so-called experts are confused, since there are so many misconceptions in the field of relationships. (see this article)
Ah well, I'll keep flailing around in the dark and doing my research. At least I plan to keep it low key and avoid physical intimacy for as long as I can. That's one of the biggest causes of attachment and pain when you do break up. I think the fact that my last girlfriend and I didn't so much as kiss, make the break-up waaaaay easier. My order of operations is first get to know, figure out as much as I can, then only when I've learned all I can and decide to go further, get physical. That also makes it easier to do a more casual and broad reaching form of dating, where I really am just getting to know a lot of people. Cast a big net, so to speak. If I was getting physically intimate with all or some of them, I don't know, for me that feels weird. I'm not a 'player,' nor do I want to become one. And it seems obviously more likely to cause other people pain, if you don't stay together, which is what your planning on with all but one of them, eventually.
Maybe this is a really odd approach, according to modern society, but it seems a lot more sane than the alternative. The majority is not always right.
OK, time for bed. I am always a bit sad on Sunday evenings. Each week is just such a big task, it's like being warm and cozy in my house while a freezing storm rages outside, but I can see a little timer counting down the minutes before I will be ejected back out into the cold storm, to brave uncertainty, failure, awkwardness, exhaustion, once more.
I need to re-activate my improv-dance engine approach.
That's the thing with trying to date now, though, There is so much to balance and learn, just with the job, adding in this whole new arena of dating... of learning how to date, of dealing with the emotional ups and downs of it... it's almost too much. It might be too much. I'll keep at it, I suppose, but it can only get the few drops of energy and attention I have to spare some weekends. As with most things in my life these days, I'll just do the best I can, and thought that may not be very much, I need to learn to be satisfied and at peace with whatever it is. After all, who can ask for more than your best? That's illogical and unkind, and I'm trying to be kind to myself.
OK, good night, good night, I need to stop writing already and go to sleep. I didn't even get all my taxes done, and my room is still a mess. But I'm getting better, step by step. I'll get there, eventually.
Love, sweet dreams, and sweek wakings,
-Isaac
I think people gravely underestimate the value of open time, when your mind is free to wander. I love listening to books on tape and educational podcasts while I'm cleaning up and doing laundry and such, but it can be nice to let my mind wander a bit. Gives space for things that have been forgotten, to bubble up.
I worked a lot this weekend. Sunday was all work. Saturday was a mix. Work in the morning, and then play in the afternoon... but...
So as I think I mentioned, I've broken up with my distance girlfriend, who to many of my friends seems like the classic, "no really, I've got a hot girlfriend, she just lives in Canada" trope, since they've never met her, and she's elusive online. In any case, I'm back to dating.
But man, I'm not a fan of dating. I didn't grow up dating. I grew up being a super shy nerd. My dating experience is very small. First girlfriend, I knew she was interested, so that step got skipped. Second one, we were already friends, and I suspected she was interested, so again, the initial, and even secondary dating step got skipped. Third one, we basically had one crazy date, and then were... 'going steady' is I think an accurate term, though archaic, to delineate monogamy from the 'dating' I'm talking about. The whole 'getting to know you with the unstated but clear subtext that we are checking each other out to see if we are compatible and interested in a monogamous romantic relationship.' Which is not yet in the monogamous stage, so you can do it with a bunch of people at the same time. Which is maybe necessary, to find someone your compatible with?
Those monogamous relationships ended, and I was, am, left wondering, how I'm supposed to predict whether the next one is going to end in a similar fashion. And I'd like to predict it before forming all the emotional connective tissue that then gets ripped apart painfully when a couple separates.
How much can you tell about compatibility, within the first ten minutes? the first hour? week? year?
Here's a statistic that makes me pause: apparently couples in arranged marriages last at least as long and as happily as the ones that happen via dating. In fact they seem slightly better as measured on those parameters. And personality compatibility (the kind of thing that dating sites use. Are we 'similar' in interests) have no correlation to happy partnerships.
So what the heck am I even supposed to be looking for?
I've just been browsing Gottman's blog, which has nifty stuff like this article
so rather than try and summarize it, you can explore and draw your own conclusions. It's getting late.
But it's on my mind. To briefly and perhaps incorrectly summarize what I've gathered: What is most important is how you interact with each other, how you talk to each other. All the subtle stuff Gottman talks about. Also a factor is style of communication, are you avoiders, validators, or volatile (see this article) and what is your meta-emotional style (how do you feel about feelings: let's talk about them, or let's not, seems kinda related to the previous one.) A big factor is having a shared... vision, dream, project? Something that the couple is working on together. Not 100% clear what that means, but seems to be anything from running a business together to devoting your lives to Jesus. Something shared, that gives meaning, purpose, that you can work on and towards, together.
Chemistry, pheromones, is real too, but that's simpler, doesn't take that long to figure out, and has smaller influence.
Also, apparently happy couples tented to attribute their happiness to making it work, rather than compatibility, while unhappy couples tended to blame compatibility. So perhaps compatibility is a bit of a straw-man.
?
I don't know. That's why I'm writing about it. It confuses me. I think it confuses a lot of people. I think even many of the so-called experts are confused, since there are so many misconceptions in the field of relationships. (see this article)
Ah well, I'll keep flailing around in the dark and doing my research. At least I plan to keep it low key and avoid physical intimacy for as long as I can. That's one of the biggest causes of attachment and pain when you do break up. I think the fact that my last girlfriend and I didn't so much as kiss, make the break-up waaaaay easier. My order of operations is first get to know, figure out as much as I can, then only when I've learned all I can and decide to go further, get physical. That also makes it easier to do a more casual and broad reaching form of dating, where I really am just getting to know a lot of people. Cast a big net, so to speak. If I was getting physically intimate with all or some of them, I don't know, for me that feels weird. I'm not a 'player,' nor do I want to become one. And it seems obviously more likely to cause other people pain, if you don't stay together, which is what your planning on with all but one of them, eventually.
Maybe this is a really odd approach, according to modern society, but it seems a lot more sane than the alternative. The majority is not always right.
OK, time for bed. I am always a bit sad on Sunday evenings. Each week is just such a big task, it's like being warm and cozy in my house while a freezing storm rages outside, but I can see a little timer counting down the minutes before I will be ejected back out into the cold storm, to brave uncertainty, failure, awkwardness, exhaustion, once more.
I need to re-activate my improv-dance engine approach.
That's the thing with trying to date now, though, There is so much to balance and learn, just with the job, adding in this whole new arena of dating... of learning how to date, of dealing with the emotional ups and downs of it... it's almost too much. It might be too much. I'll keep at it, I suppose, but it can only get the few drops of energy and attention I have to spare some weekends. As with most things in my life these days, I'll just do the best I can, and thought that may not be very much, I need to learn to be satisfied and at peace with whatever it is. After all, who can ask for more than your best? That's illogical and unkind, and I'm trying to be kind to myself.
OK, good night, good night, I need to stop writing already and go to sleep. I didn't even get all my taxes done, and my room is still a mess. But I'm getting better, step by step. I'll get there, eventually.
Love, sweet dreams, and sweek wakings,
-Isaac
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Reason, Intuition, slippery-slopes and hot chocolate
Ha-HA! Writing it on Sunday. According to plan.
I'm noticing, as I stretch myself towards being more productive, especially on the weekends, more awareness is bleeding into my life. I start clicking on some digital rabbit-hole, and I notice, "ah, this is the starting point, I'm beginning down the slippery slope." Or I'm home after work, and I notice I'm feeling not just exhausted, but maybe sad, or worried, or overwhelmed. Just noticing that, allows me to take some quiet time to acknowledge the feelings, and then either let them go, or take care of myself in some way.
Also, I recently read, from one of my favorite spiritual luminaries, that the way to fight the attachments of mind and senses, is reason. For some reason, this time I heard it, it sunk in more deeply, and I've been using reason every now and then, when something comes up. It's often very effective. A conversation might go like this:
"I really wanna stay up later, and play more games."
"The enjoyment you get from that will end literally the second you finish playing the game. The enjoyment your expecting will last for a while, is an inaccurate prediction of the future. Scientifically it's been proven that this kind of thing does not change your overall happiness set-point, or satisfaction with life. And you feel off when you have to get up really late, and that does negatively affect your whole day."
Sometimes it's much simpler than that even, just, "that's not actually going to make you any more satisfied, you'll be right back where you stated the second it's over, or more likely, feeling even worse."
This is not always true, and some fun is good, but there is a point of diminishing returns.
I'm also getting more efficient with online shopping. I often spend an inordinate amount of time, researching the best whatever to get. I'm instead, doing a little bit of research, and then relying on intuition to pick something relatively quickly. This saves TREMENDOUS time, and so far has worked out very well, especially since part of what I use the intuition for is whether the thingamabob is actually something that will be meaningfully useful to me. Usually it's not, but I often would research it, trying to figure out if it would be.
There is an art, to figuring out what to use reason and intellect for, and what to use intuition for. Often we try and use intellect for choices where we don't' have enough information to make a well reasoned choice. Or we have so much information that we go into overload paralysis.
One other thing I'm playing with, is taking just a second or two, before any action that might be challenging, or just whenever I remember, to reconnect to God (Spirit, Self) as I symbolically represent him (her/it). It's been super helpful for me, both emotionally and practically. I'm less stressed about things, and I perform tasks more efficiently. (Probably related effects.)
I think this is related to the advice from the Bhagavad Gita I love so much, 'surrender the fruits of action to me, dedicate all acts to me, allow me to act through you, and I will take on the burden of the karma of those acts, and the outcomes.' (that's very much a paraphrase)
Also, I've been playing with conversational prayer.
It's interesting, I've always been fascinated how so much good spiritual advice can be explained psychologically. It's nice, because you can access a wider audience with these useful skills, by explaining it via different paradigms, even though the fundamental act that you're doing is just about the same.
Anyways, conversational prayer is, as I heard it described, like writing a letter home to mom, from your boarding school. You just talk about what's going on, the ups and downs, fears and hopes, and send love. Something about actually writing a letter to God can be even more powerful, but I've been finding just having a conversation with an unconditionally loving and accepting dear friend, is really helpful. It's soothing, helps me get my thoughts in order, and can be a relief, just like talking with a human friend. I wonder if really believing someone is listening is important? I suspect so... But perhaps if your not the religious type, you could choose any great person you look up to as a beacon of light and wisdom. As long as you can imagine and feeling it, and suspend disbelief, I think it should be possible, just like we are deeply moved by some stories, even though we know intellectually they aren't real.
OK, back to work. My main task for this weekend is just collecting the vast assortment of homework I have due for my Montessori training. There are the specific observation assignments I'll need to be doing when I visit the various schools I'm observing at (finally got that all sorted out, dates and plane tickets, yay for that being done). Then I've got the pretty huge task of the final week of homework from last summer, due at the beginning of next summer, which will probably end up being a google doc of over a hundred pages, if my previous weeks assignments are any indication. And then I have several smaller assignments, some readings and materials and presentations that are due, and some materials I need to order. And there might be more. That's why I need to double check, and get everything in one place where I can see, so I can figure out how to pace myself.
Then next weekend, I think I'll try and tackle my taxes.
This weekend was... a mixture of efficient and inefficient. I got a bunch done in the morning, which is my winning strategy, but I was hoping to keep going with the productivity into the afternoon, and instead I got distracted down a few rabbit holes. Some of which were at least moderately productive, or very entertaining. I keep thinking, "Oh, I can just do this for a second" and I keep being wrong. At least these, days, I can be amused about that, rather than depressed. Because I have hope. Because I know I can just try again the next day, the next weekend.
And Sunday isn't really a day off for me, so it's not hard to be productive. I have to be, I'm teaching a class in the afternoon. (And the uncompleted tasks for the coming week are starting to itch in my brain.)
Oh, my aunt made me some hot chocolate on a cold snowy day. That was a highlight. And as always, games and pizza with friends Friday night. I think that is perhaps the highlight of my week: not only do I get to hang out with some of my best, long-time friends. I get to do things I love, making and eating food together, playing games, laughing, chatting. AND, it is the very beginning of the weekend. The stresses and responsibilities of work are furthest away, and I can pretend for a little bit that I am on vacation. I'm not going to have any length of vacation for another year and half, since summers are my Ph.D level intensity Montessori training, breaks are when I'll do observations or student teaching, and any other big chunks of time are for working on the backlog of homework that's due.
But I think I'm OK with it. I'm trying to pace myself so I don't burn out, and I believe everything that happens to me has a benevolent intelligence to it. Hopefully by being persistently busy, I will get into the habit of it, so when I don't have as many externally imposed things to do, I will still keep happily busy during my breaks and off time. I am happiest when I'm engaged with meaningful work, but I don't have the habit of always doing that, without external pressures. So I feel gratitude, even for that.
Be warm, be happy,
-Isaac
I'm noticing, as I stretch myself towards being more productive, especially on the weekends, more awareness is bleeding into my life. I start clicking on some digital rabbit-hole, and I notice, "ah, this is the starting point, I'm beginning down the slippery slope." Or I'm home after work, and I notice I'm feeling not just exhausted, but maybe sad, or worried, or overwhelmed. Just noticing that, allows me to take some quiet time to acknowledge the feelings, and then either let them go, or take care of myself in some way.
Also, I recently read, from one of my favorite spiritual luminaries, that the way to fight the attachments of mind and senses, is reason. For some reason, this time I heard it, it sunk in more deeply, and I've been using reason every now and then, when something comes up. It's often very effective. A conversation might go like this:
"I really wanna stay up later, and play more games."
"The enjoyment you get from that will end literally the second you finish playing the game. The enjoyment your expecting will last for a while, is an inaccurate prediction of the future. Scientifically it's been proven that this kind of thing does not change your overall happiness set-point, or satisfaction with life. And you feel off when you have to get up really late, and that does negatively affect your whole day."
Sometimes it's much simpler than that even, just, "that's not actually going to make you any more satisfied, you'll be right back where you stated the second it's over, or more likely, feeling even worse."
This is not always true, and some fun is good, but there is a point of diminishing returns.
I'm also getting more efficient with online shopping. I often spend an inordinate amount of time, researching the best whatever to get. I'm instead, doing a little bit of research, and then relying on intuition to pick something relatively quickly. This saves TREMENDOUS time, and so far has worked out very well, especially since part of what I use the intuition for is whether the thingamabob is actually something that will be meaningfully useful to me. Usually it's not, but I often would research it, trying to figure out if it would be.
There is an art, to figuring out what to use reason and intellect for, and what to use intuition for. Often we try and use intellect for choices where we don't' have enough information to make a well reasoned choice. Or we have so much information that we go into overload paralysis.
One other thing I'm playing with, is taking just a second or two, before any action that might be challenging, or just whenever I remember, to reconnect to God (Spirit, Self) as I symbolically represent him (her/it). It's been super helpful for me, both emotionally and practically. I'm less stressed about things, and I perform tasks more efficiently. (Probably related effects.)
I think this is related to the advice from the Bhagavad Gita I love so much, 'surrender the fruits of action to me, dedicate all acts to me, allow me to act through you, and I will take on the burden of the karma of those acts, and the outcomes.' (that's very much a paraphrase)
Also, I've been playing with conversational prayer.
It's interesting, I've always been fascinated how so much good spiritual advice can be explained psychologically. It's nice, because you can access a wider audience with these useful skills, by explaining it via different paradigms, even though the fundamental act that you're doing is just about the same.
Anyways, conversational prayer is, as I heard it described, like writing a letter home to mom, from your boarding school. You just talk about what's going on, the ups and downs, fears and hopes, and send love. Something about actually writing a letter to God can be even more powerful, but I've been finding just having a conversation with an unconditionally loving and accepting dear friend, is really helpful. It's soothing, helps me get my thoughts in order, and can be a relief, just like talking with a human friend. I wonder if really believing someone is listening is important? I suspect so... But perhaps if your not the religious type, you could choose any great person you look up to as a beacon of light and wisdom. As long as you can imagine and feeling it, and suspend disbelief, I think it should be possible, just like we are deeply moved by some stories, even though we know intellectually they aren't real.
OK, back to work. My main task for this weekend is just collecting the vast assortment of homework I have due for my Montessori training. There are the specific observation assignments I'll need to be doing when I visit the various schools I'm observing at (finally got that all sorted out, dates and plane tickets, yay for that being done). Then I've got the pretty huge task of the final week of homework from last summer, due at the beginning of next summer, which will probably end up being a google doc of over a hundred pages, if my previous weeks assignments are any indication. And then I have several smaller assignments, some readings and materials and presentations that are due, and some materials I need to order. And there might be more. That's why I need to double check, and get everything in one place where I can see, so I can figure out how to pace myself.
Then next weekend, I think I'll try and tackle my taxes.
This weekend was... a mixture of efficient and inefficient. I got a bunch done in the morning, which is my winning strategy, but I was hoping to keep going with the productivity into the afternoon, and instead I got distracted down a few rabbit holes. Some of which were at least moderately productive, or very entertaining. I keep thinking, "Oh, I can just do this for a second" and I keep being wrong. At least these, days, I can be amused about that, rather than depressed. Because I have hope. Because I know I can just try again the next day, the next weekend.
And Sunday isn't really a day off for me, so it's not hard to be productive. I have to be, I'm teaching a class in the afternoon. (And the uncompleted tasks for the coming week are starting to itch in my brain.)
Oh, my aunt made me some hot chocolate on a cold snowy day. That was a highlight. And as always, games and pizza with friends Friday night. I think that is perhaps the highlight of my week: not only do I get to hang out with some of my best, long-time friends. I get to do things I love, making and eating food together, playing games, laughing, chatting. AND, it is the very beginning of the weekend. The stresses and responsibilities of work are furthest away, and I can pretend for a little bit that I am on vacation. I'm not going to have any length of vacation for another year and half, since summers are my Ph.D level intensity Montessori training, breaks are when I'll do observations or student teaching, and any other big chunks of time are for working on the backlog of homework that's due.
But I think I'm OK with it. I'm trying to pace myself so I don't burn out, and I believe everything that happens to me has a benevolent intelligence to it. Hopefully by being persistently busy, I will get into the habit of it, so when I don't have as many externally imposed things to do, I will still keep happily busy during my breaks and off time. I am happiest when I'm engaged with meaningful work, but I don't have the habit of always doing that, without external pressures. So I feel gratitude, even for that.
Be warm, be happy,
-Isaac
Sunday, February 10, 2019
ASMR. What should I look for, in a romantic partner? The art of showing up.
OK, let's get back to the Sunday schedule, even if it means a short post. It was a pretty productive weekend. I think I'm getting a bit better at doing things I actually enjoy and need to recover, and also getting stuff done.
Went contra dancing, which is fun (I love dancing) and is kind of my token "showing up and interacting with people" step towards dating. I have a some awesome friends, great guys who I think would make excellent romantic partners, but they don't really put themselves out there and meet people. I always prided myself on at least being willing to do the simple obvious steps for things I wanted to get done. I might not be the smartest, handsomest, funniest, but dang it, I'm willing to take simple good advice and act on it, or try to, until I succeed. Even if I bumble a lot, if I keep at that, eventually I'm bound to get better at it and have some success.
I want to sit down some day and really think about what I'd like in a partner, though. I've done that before, and I think it's been pretty successful. But I perhaps need an update. I would like someone who can be a best friend, so I have to think about what are the characteristics of the people in my life I consider best friends. The people I can hang out with and chat with basically endlessly.
I think they tend to have an active sense of humor, and are generally more talkative, which works with me, since I'm often more quiet. They have spirituality as a core part of them. They are... chill is maybe not the right word they're energetic, but being with them is chill. They are accepting of my oddness. Perhaps because they are also odd. They tend to be playful and socially intelligent.
I don't have a huge sample size I'm working with though. I'm thinking about two people, who kind of stand out as the friends I would call first if I wanted someone to hang out with. I've gotten along well with much more than two people.
I don't even know if this is a good way to go about thinking of what to look for in a partner. What I do know is I want to look for that feeling of ease, play, being at home, that comes with hanging out with my very best friends.
But how could I tell if that would be the case with new people I meet? I feel like it can take weeks or months, or rather than time, it can take the right context, to finally interact with people in a way that would let me know we have that kind of chemistry.
Frankly, it's too complicated for me to figure out with my little brain. I think I have to wait and pray, and take whatever little steps I can take to meet plenty of people, in the hopes that I'll meet one that clicks really well. For now, the actions I'm taking towards this are pretty tiny. I still don't have much time/energy for such stuff. I can maybe give it an evening every other week. But it is kinda important. my body is going through the steady slow death that is natural aging. Time is passing.
Welp, I think that's it for the week. Seems like a down note to end on. How about something up? I think I am continuing to get better at handling my weekends. Still lots of room for improvement, but I think I'm noticing growth, which is always encouraging. I've got my classroom observations squared a way, which feels nice, one more thing on my checklist taken care of. I've discovered some ASMR video's on youtube which are basically close-ups of cute girls faces whispering things like "I love you" "it's going to be alright" and pretending to run their hands through your (the cameras) hair, and I find this deeply settling some times, when I'm laying in bed about to go to sleep. It's really amazing for me, actually. As someone who has this deep hang-up about being unlovable and alone, especially in a romantic sense, I feel like watching/listening to these things as I drift off to sleep is re-programming (de-programming) those voices in my head that have always been saying "your alone, you suck, you're unlovable." (not that I literally hear these voices, but I feel the weight of these subconscious beliefs.)
Having a pretty girl who I can imagine is my girlfriend say and show she cares about me is like the opposite of that, and I guess I've gotten far enough along on the self-love path that I'm willing to accept it. Perhaps I believe that at least God feels this way about me, so I can accept what they are saying and the sentiment behind it (even if it's acted) as true. The specific form that takes for me, a girlfriend, is personal to me. For some reason that was always the form that I needed to believe that I was truly lovable. Friends and family, or some abstract concept of God, didn't seem to reach the deepest part of that unloved feeling.
In any case, being willing to not take myself to seriously, and accept words of love, are allowing me to use the video's to feel warm and fuzzy and loved, perhaps to reprogram my subconscious.
And I am definitely ASMR sensitive. The whole whispering thing and the general aesthetic of quiet and slow and nurturing and being cared for tap into a very deep part of my brain, it almost feels like it's in my brainstem, that is super relaxing and pleasant. Having someone whisper very quietly "I love you. everything is going to be ok. (etc.)" while petting my hair or something like that is unreasonably soothing. I think the best analogy is when you create a purring puddle-cat by being a good cat-petter. That's what happens to me. I know it's strange? But only intellectually. From my perspective, not having that reaction is strange.
To be clear, if you youtube "ASMR" there is a lot of stuff that I don't particularly like. The stuff that gets me is... I don't know, 5%? And maybe another 10% I kinda get.
How odd and wonderful that this weird attribute I have, has a name (asmr) and a whole category of youtube videos. How hilarious. Much of technology is a waste of time, much is neutral, doing some good but also some bad, ending in a wash, but being able to call up a video where a stranger has recorded themselves smiling and whispering "I love you" is for me a distinctly positive thing. Thank you, anonymous asmr youtubers.
I Out ^_^
Went contra dancing, which is fun (I love dancing) and is kind of my token "showing up and interacting with people" step towards dating. I have a some awesome friends, great guys who I think would make excellent romantic partners, but they don't really put themselves out there and meet people. I always prided myself on at least being willing to do the simple obvious steps for things I wanted to get done. I might not be the smartest, handsomest, funniest, but dang it, I'm willing to take simple good advice and act on it, or try to, until I succeed. Even if I bumble a lot, if I keep at that, eventually I'm bound to get better at it and have some success.
I want to sit down some day and really think about what I'd like in a partner, though. I've done that before, and I think it's been pretty successful. But I perhaps need an update. I would like someone who can be a best friend, so I have to think about what are the characteristics of the people in my life I consider best friends. The people I can hang out with and chat with basically endlessly.
I think they tend to have an active sense of humor, and are generally more talkative, which works with me, since I'm often more quiet. They have spirituality as a core part of them. They are... chill is maybe not the right word they're energetic, but being with them is chill. They are accepting of my oddness. Perhaps because they are also odd. They tend to be playful and socially intelligent.
I don't have a huge sample size I'm working with though. I'm thinking about two people, who kind of stand out as the friends I would call first if I wanted someone to hang out with. I've gotten along well with much more than two people.
I don't even know if this is a good way to go about thinking of what to look for in a partner. What I do know is I want to look for that feeling of ease, play, being at home, that comes with hanging out with my very best friends.
But how could I tell if that would be the case with new people I meet? I feel like it can take weeks or months, or rather than time, it can take the right context, to finally interact with people in a way that would let me know we have that kind of chemistry.
Frankly, it's too complicated for me to figure out with my little brain. I think I have to wait and pray, and take whatever little steps I can take to meet plenty of people, in the hopes that I'll meet one that clicks really well. For now, the actions I'm taking towards this are pretty tiny. I still don't have much time/energy for such stuff. I can maybe give it an evening every other week. But it is kinda important. my body is going through the steady slow death that is natural aging. Time is passing.
Welp, I think that's it for the week. Seems like a down note to end on. How about something up? I think I am continuing to get better at handling my weekends. Still lots of room for improvement, but I think I'm noticing growth, which is always encouraging. I've got my classroom observations squared a way, which feels nice, one more thing on my checklist taken care of. I've discovered some ASMR video's on youtube which are basically close-ups of cute girls faces whispering things like "I love you" "it's going to be alright" and pretending to run their hands through your (the cameras) hair, and I find this deeply settling some times, when I'm laying in bed about to go to sleep. It's really amazing for me, actually. As someone who has this deep hang-up about being unlovable and alone, especially in a romantic sense, I feel like watching/listening to these things as I drift off to sleep is re-programming (de-programming) those voices in my head that have always been saying "your alone, you suck, you're unlovable." (not that I literally hear these voices, but I feel the weight of these subconscious beliefs.)
Having a pretty girl who I can imagine is my girlfriend say and show she cares about me is like the opposite of that, and I guess I've gotten far enough along on the self-love path that I'm willing to accept it. Perhaps I believe that at least God feels this way about me, so I can accept what they are saying and the sentiment behind it (even if it's acted) as true. The specific form that takes for me, a girlfriend, is personal to me. For some reason that was always the form that I needed to believe that I was truly lovable. Friends and family, or some abstract concept of God, didn't seem to reach the deepest part of that unloved feeling.
In any case, being willing to not take myself to seriously, and accept words of love, are allowing me to use the video's to feel warm and fuzzy and loved, perhaps to reprogram my subconscious.
And I am definitely ASMR sensitive. The whole whispering thing and the general aesthetic of quiet and slow and nurturing and being cared for tap into a very deep part of my brain, it almost feels like it's in my brainstem, that is super relaxing and pleasant. Having someone whisper very quietly "I love you. everything is going to be ok. (etc.)" while petting my hair or something like that is unreasonably soothing. I think the best analogy is when you create a purring puddle-cat by being a good cat-petter. That's what happens to me. I know it's strange? But only intellectually. From my perspective, not having that reaction is strange.
To be clear, if you youtube "ASMR" there is a lot of stuff that I don't particularly like. The stuff that gets me is... I don't know, 5%? And maybe another 10% I kinda get.
How odd and wonderful that this weird attribute I have, has a name (asmr) and a whole category of youtube videos. How hilarious. Much of technology is a waste of time, much is neutral, doing some good but also some bad, ending in a wash, but being able to call up a video where a stranger has recorded themselves smiling and whispering "I love you" is for me a distinctly positive thing. Thank you, anonymous asmr youtubers.
I Out ^_^
Friday, February 8, 2019
A later-in-the-week post. Re-imagining down-time.
I remember saying that I might need to post just a sentence or two on some weeks, when I was especially busy. I liked that better than skipping altogether, because even a few minutes can keep up a habit that otherwise starts to degrade.
Also, I think I said at some point that you can tell how busy I am by how late the posts are. I'm not sure that's totally accurate. Maybe how scatter-brained or out of my routine I'm getting...
I'm always pushing myself towards greater growth. Stagnation is death, in my mind. If you are an immortal soul, there is no death as such, but to exist without really living is as close as you can get. Even that's not a big deal, eventually we'll all get where we're going, and then continue on to even better things, (I think.) But if anything matters it's that: how is your path, how is your growth, how is your life, moment to moment.
Not so much, 'is it pleasurable,' which has little to do with general life satisfaction, but 'is it good?' Are you doing what feels right, are you engaged in meaningful work, with purpose beyond self?
My current project is getting better at using my down-time more productively. I do want some of that to be relaxing and rejuvenating--time with friends, playing, having fun. But I also want much more of it to be something engaging and productive. Fun hobbies rather than passive things. Checking off tasks from my lists. Engaging in work that is different from what I've been doing during the week, and thus rejuvenating. Planning and preparing for the week, so it's more successful and less stressful. Engaging in revitalizing spiritual activities, that let me recuperate, purify, and grow.
This appears to be quite a challenging undertaking, there are lots of moving parts to it. Lots of lessons to learn, lots of mistakes to make, before I've figured it out to a satisfactory degree.
I've made some progress, but I need more, and the biggest immediate challenge is feeling kind of burnt-out by the end of the day, and the end of the week. I need a way to effectively refresh myself, and then switch back into an active gear. I'm pretty sure it can be done without too much fuss. I think the burnout is mostly mental, (and emotional) so the solution can be mostly mental. I may just need a different approach or perspective.
In any case, working on that. Got kind of sick this week, feeling better now. (that also likely delayed the post, my brain gets fuzzy when I get sick, and I forget things.)
Also, I'm off from my super-rigorous wake-up routine. I feel like, it's so much extra energy and requires all my mental acuity, when I'm learning this whole new job, that I can't afford to be tired. Also, being tired means my emotional buffer is weaker, and I definitely get emotionally buffeted by the job. So all that means I sometimes get up at 6, or occasionally even 7, rather than 5. It makes me a bit sad, I love getting up that early, and I hope to get back to it, but I may have to work more on consistency with my bedtime, rather than just muscling through it, like I previously did.
I didn't have the... not sure what to call it... mental, emotional... maturity to do that previously, in that I'd get really down on myself for not going to bed on time, and that would just send me into a tailspin, and I'd give up. Now I am gentler on myself and more hopeful and thus persistent. And patient. I don't know if I've gotten wiser or just mellowed with age, probably both.
OK, bye for now. Be well ^_^
-Isaac
Also, I think I said at some point that you can tell how busy I am by how late the posts are. I'm not sure that's totally accurate. Maybe how scatter-brained or out of my routine I'm getting...
I'm always pushing myself towards greater growth. Stagnation is death, in my mind. If you are an immortal soul, there is no death as such, but to exist without really living is as close as you can get. Even that's not a big deal, eventually we'll all get where we're going, and then continue on to even better things, (I think.) But if anything matters it's that: how is your path, how is your growth, how is your life, moment to moment.
Not so much, 'is it pleasurable,' which has little to do with general life satisfaction, but 'is it good?' Are you doing what feels right, are you engaged in meaningful work, with purpose beyond self?
My current project is getting better at using my down-time more productively. I do want some of that to be relaxing and rejuvenating--time with friends, playing, having fun. But I also want much more of it to be something engaging and productive. Fun hobbies rather than passive things. Checking off tasks from my lists. Engaging in work that is different from what I've been doing during the week, and thus rejuvenating. Planning and preparing for the week, so it's more successful and less stressful. Engaging in revitalizing spiritual activities, that let me recuperate, purify, and grow.
This appears to be quite a challenging undertaking, there are lots of moving parts to it. Lots of lessons to learn, lots of mistakes to make, before I've figured it out to a satisfactory degree.
I've made some progress, but I need more, and the biggest immediate challenge is feeling kind of burnt-out by the end of the day, and the end of the week. I need a way to effectively refresh myself, and then switch back into an active gear. I'm pretty sure it can be done without too much fuss. I think the burnout is mostly mental, (and emotional) so the solution can be mostly mental. I may just need a different approach or perspective.
In any case, working on that. Got kind of sick this week, feeling better now. (that also likely delayed the post, my brain gets fuzzy when I get sick, and I forget things.)
Also, I'm off from my super-rigorous wake-up routine. I feel like, it's so much extra energy and requires all my mental acuity, when I'm learning this whole new job, that I can't afford to be tired. Also, being tired means my emotional buffer is weaker, and I definitely get emotionally buffeted by the job. So all that means I sometimes get up at 6, or occasionally even 7, rather than 5. It makes me a bit sad, I love getting up that early, and I hope to get back to it, but I may have to work more on consistency with my bedtime, rather than just muscling through it, like I previously did.
I didn't have the... not sure what to call it... mental, emotional... maturity to do that previously, in that I'd get really down on myself for not going to bed on time, and that would just send me into a tailspin, and I'd give up. Now I am gentler on myself and more hopeful and thus persistent. And patient. I don't know if I've gotten wiser or just mellowed with age, probably both.
OK, bye for now. Be well ^_^
-Isaac
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