OK, let's get back to the Sunday schedule, even if it means a short post. It was a pretty productive weekend. I think I'm getting a bit better at doing things I actually enjoy and need to recover, and also getting stuff done.
Went contra dancing, which is fun (I love dancing) and is kind of my token "showing up and interacting with people" step towards dating. I have a some awesome friends, great guys who I think would make excellent romantic partners, but they don't really put themselves out there and meet people. I always prided myself on at least being willing to do the simple obvious steps for things I wanted to get done. I might not be the smartest, handsomest, funniest, but dang it, I'm willing to take simple good advice and act on it, or try to, until I succeed. Even if I bumble a lot, if I keep at that, eventually I'm bound to get better at it and have some success.
I want to sit down some day and really think about what I'd like in a partner, though. I've done that before, and I think it's been pretty successful. But I perhaps need an update. I would like someone who can be a best friend, so I have to think about what are the characteristics of the people in my life I consider best friends. The people I can hang out with and chat with basically endlessly.
I think they tend to have an active sense of humor, and are generally more talkative, which works with me, since I'm often more quiet. They have spirituality as a core part of them. They are... chill is maybe not the right word they're energetic, but being with them is chill. They are accepting of my oddness. Perhaps because they are also odd. They tend to be playful and socially intelligent.
I don't have a huge sample size I'm working with though. I'm thinking about two people, who kind of stand out as the friends I would call first if I wanted someone to hang out with. I've gotten along well with much more than two people.
I don't even know if this is a good way to go about thinking of what to look for in a partner. What I do know is I want to look for that feeling of ease, play, being at home, that comes with hanging out with my very best friends.
But how could I tell if that would be the case with new people I meet? I feel like it can take weeks or months, or rather than time, it can take the right context, to finally interact with people in a way that would let me know we have that kind of chemistry.
Frankly, it's too complicated for me to figure out with my little brain. I think I have to wait and pray, and take whatever little steps I can take to meet plenty of people, in the hopes that I'll meet one that clicks really well. For now, the actions I'm taking towards this are pretty tiny. I still don't have much time/energy for such stuff. I can maybe give it an evening every other week. But it is kinda important. my body is going through the steady slow death that is natural aging. Time is passing.
Welp, I think that's it for the week. Seems like a down note to end on. How about something up? I think I am continuing to get better at handling my weekends. Still lots of room for improvement, but I think I'm noticing growth, which is always encouraging. I've got my classroom observations squared a way, which feels nice, one more thing on my checklist taken care of. I've discovered some ASMR video's on youtube which are basically close-ups of cute girls faces whispering things like "I love you" "it's going to be alright" and pretending to run their hands through your (the cameras) hair, and I find this deeply settling some times, when I'm laying in bed about to go to sleep. It's really amazing for me, actually. As someone who has this deep hang-up about being unlovable and alone, especially in a romantic sense, I feel like watching/listening to these things as I drift off to sleep is re-programming (de-programming) those voices in my head that have always been saying "your alone, you suck, you're unlovable." (not that I literally hear these voices, but I feel the weight of these subconscious beliefs.)
Having a pretty girl who I can imagine is my girlfriend say and show she cares about me is like the opposite of that, and I guess I've gotten far enough along on the self-love path that I'm willing to accept it. Perhaps I believe that at least God feels this way about me, so I can accept what they are saying and the sentiment behind it (even if it's acted) as true. The specific form that takes for me, a girlfriend, is personal to me. For some reason that was always the form that I needed to believe that I was truly lovable. Friends and family, or some abstract concept of God, didn't seem to reach the deepest part of that unloved feeling.
In any case, being willing to not take myself to seriously, and accept words of love, are allowing me to use the video's to feel warm and fuzzy and loved, perhaps to reprogram my subconscious.
And I am definitely ASMR sensitive. The whole whispering thing and the general aesthetic of quiet and slow and nurturing and being cared for tap into a very deep part of my brain, it almost feels like it's in my brainstem, that is super relaxing and pleasant. Having someone whisper very quietly "I love you. everything is going to be ok. (etc.)" while petting my hair or something like that is unreasonably soothing. I think the best analogy is when you create a purring puddle-cat by being a good cat-petter. That's what happens to me. I know it's strange? But only intellectually. From my perspective, not having that reaction is strange.
To be clear, if you youtube "ASMR" there is a lot of stuff that I don't particularly like. The stuff that gets me is... I don't know, 5%? And maybe another 10% I kinda get.
How odd and wonderful that this weird attribute I have, has a name (asmr) and a whole category of youtube videos. How hilarious. Much of technology is a waste of time, much is neutral, doing some good but also some bad, ending in a wash, but being able to call up a video where a stranger has recorded themselves smiling and whispering "I love you" is for me a distinctly positive thing. Thank you, anonymous asmr youtubers.
I Out ^_^
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