Gottman. Idiosyncratic Dating. Your best is always good enough.

Almost missed it again, but I took a break to start wrapping up the day, and as I puttered around, I remembered my blog and my desire to get back to doing it Sundays.

I think people gravely underestimate the value of open time, when your mind is free to wander. I love listening to books on tape and educational podcasts while I'm cleaning up and doing laundry and such, but it can be nice to let my mind wander a bit. Gives space for things that have been forgotten, to bubble up.

I worked a lot this weekend. Sunday was all work. Saturday was a mix. Work in the morning, and then play in the afternoon... but...
So as I think I mentioned, I've broken up with my distance girlfriend, who to many of my friends seems like the classic, "no really, I've got a hot girlfriend, she just lives in Canada" trope, since they've never met her, and she's elusive online. In any case, I'm back to dating.

But man, I'm not a fan of dating. I didn't grow up dating. I grew up being a super shy nerd. My dating experience is very small. First girlfriend, I knew she was interested, so that step got skipped. Second one, we were already friends, and I suspected she was interested, so again, the initial, and even secondary dating step got skipped. Third one, we basically had one crazy date, and then were... 'going steady' is I think an accurate term, though archaic, to delineate monogamy from the 'dating' I'm talking about. The whole 'getting to know you with the unstated but clear subtext that we are checking each other out to see if we are compatible and interested in a monogamous romantic relationship.' Which is not yet in the monogamous stage, so you can do it with a bunch of people at the same time. Which is maybe necessary, to find someone your compatible with?

Those monogamous relationships ended, and I was, am, left wondering, how I'm supposed to predict whether the next one is going to end in a similar fashion. And I'd like to predict it before forming all the emotional connective tissue that then gets ripped apart painfully when a couple separates.

How much can you tell about compatibility, within the first ten minutes? the first hour? week? year?

Here's a statistic that makes me pause: apparently couples in arranged marriages last at least as long and as happily as the ones that happen via dating. In fact they seem slightly better as measured on those parameters. And personality compatibility (the kind of thing that dating sites use. Are we 'similar' in interests) have no correlation to happy partnerships.

So what the heck am I even supposed to be looking for?

I've just been browsing Gottman's blog, which has nifty stuff like this article
so rather than try and summarize it, you can explore and draw your own conclusions. It's getting late.

But it's on my mind. To briefly and perhaps incorrectly summarize what I've gathered: What is most important is how you interact with each other, how you talk to each other. All the subtle stuff Gottman talks about. Also a factor is style of communication, are you avoiders, validators, or volatile (see this article) and what is your meta-emotional style (how do you feel about feelings: let's talk about them, or let's not, seems kinda related to the previous one.) A big factor is having a shared... vision, dream, project? Something that the couple is working on together. Not 100% clear what that means, but seems to be anything from running a business together to devoting your lives to Jesus. Something shared, that gives meaning, purpose, that you can work on and towards, together.
Chemistry, pheromones, is real too, but that's simpler, doesn't take that long to figure out, and has smaller influence.

Also, apparently happy couples tented to attribute their happiness to making it work, rather than compatibility, while unhappy couples tended to blame compatibility. So perhaps compatibility is a bit of a straw-man.
?
I don't know. That's why I'm writing about it. It confuses me. I think it confuses a lot of people. I think even many of the so-called experts are confused, since there are so many misconceptions in the field of relationships. (see this article)

Ah well, I'll keep flailing around in the dark and doing my research. At least I plan to keep it low key and avoid physical intimacy for as long as I can. That's one of the biggest causes of attachment and pain when you do break up. I think the fact that my last girlfriend and I didn't so much as kiss, make the break-up waaaaay easier. My order of operations is first get to know, figure out as much as I can, then only when I've learned all I can and decide to go further, get physical. That also makes it easier to do a more casual and broad reaching form of dating, where I really am just getting to know a lot of people. Cast a big net, so to speak. If I was getting physically intimate with all or some of them, I don't know, for me that feels weird. I'm not a 'player,' nor do I want to become one. And it seems obviously more likely to cause other people pain, if you don't stay together, which is what your planning on with all but one of them, eventually.

Maybe this is a really odd approach, according to modern society, but it seems a lot more sane than the alternative. The majority is not always right.

OK, time for bed. I am always a bit sad on Sunday evenings. Each week is just such a big task, it's like being warm and cozy in my house while a freezing storm rages outside, but I can see a little timer counting down the minutes before I will be ejected back out into the cold storm, to brave uncertainty, failure, awkwardness, exhaustion, once more.

I need to re-activate my improv-dance engine approach.

That's the thing with trying to date now, though, There is so much to balance and learn, just with the job, adding in this whole new arena of dating... of learning how to date, of dealing with the emotional ups and downs of it... it's almost too much. It might be too much. I'll keep at it, I suppose, but it can only get the few drops of energy and attention I have to spare some weekends. As with most things in my life these days, I'll just do the best I can, and thought that may not be very much, I need to learn to be satisfied and at peace with whatever it is. After all, who can ask for more than your best? That's illogical and unkind, and I'm trying to be kind to myself.

OK, good night, good night, I need to stop writing already and go to sleep. I didn't even get all my taxes done, and my room is still a mess. But I'm getting better, step by step. I'll get there, eventually.

Love, sweet dreams, and sweek wakings,
-Isaac