woah, time's getting away from me. I'm think'n I might want a more standardized day for posting. In any case, just saying hi before it's the next weekend. Trying to keep up my weekly streak, in some rudimentary form at least.
It's super cold.
I've finally finished one of the huge homework assignments from my summer Montessori training. That feels good. Many more to go, but about 17 essays, done. Woo! I can close the chapter on that chunk of work.
OK, time for bed. I love sleep so much these days. It's like a divine luxury. Like the most delicious dessert of all.
Good night! ^_^
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Small Triumphs, Big Challenges, step by step, I make the journey.
This has to be short, not much time for it. Other work I have to do, before and after.
Good news: I was really happy this Saturday: for the past 3 weeks, I had been trying to get myself to start the day with 3 hours of work. I've got so much homework due this summer for my Montessori training, the only hope I have is to be spending at least 3 hours a weekend on it. I get the most done in the morning, Saturday is my free day, so that was the best time.
The first week, I didn't get any work done until like 7 pm. Even that was a little triumph, the result of me pushing and pushing. In the past, after missing the morning, I might have just given up. But no, I kept pushing myself, reminding myself, getting distracted, coming back to it, until finally I did some before going to bed. Small win.
The next weekend, I thought about what went wrong the previous weekend, and adjusted my plans. More success: I worked on my homework! But it took less time than I thought, and so I only worked on it for around half the time.
This weekend, again, I reflected on the past week, what worked, what didn't, and changed my plans accordingly, and finally, success!
It's so heartening to have that feeling, that if I keep working on something, so habit, etc, that I want to change, I can do so. I think one of the key factors in making it happen is hope and self-compassion. That is, the belief that I can do it, that I can succeed, if I just don't give up, and, being very gentle and kind with myself, when I don't succeed. That last bit may be the most important. For years I've wondered why I haven't been able to change myself in certain ways, despite hammering away at it for long periods of time, and I think that is a big part of the reason: I was super hard and critical of myself. Somehow that just totally shuts down the change/growth process.
I think it undercuts my motivation. I may start motivated, but after some initial failures, I lose steam, because I get depressed. And being depressed makes me kind of curl up emotionally, stop taking risks, and move towards comforting but unhelpful habits. We all tend to "self medicate" with our various distraction habits, whether they be actual drugs like alcohol or behavioral addictions like Internet shopping. And the negative self talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In any case, that's really encouraging.
Though it's not a fast process. I have so much that I want to change with my habits and work cycles and belief systems. It will take years, no doubt. I just have to be OK with that and celebrate whatever progress I do make. As long as I'm continuing to move forwards, that's a good thing. And sometimes that moving forwards process looks like moving backwards, as I take two steps forwards and one step back. What's important is that I just keep pushing to get myself back on track quickly, after I inevitably get knocked off. Slowly that recovery cycle gets quicker, and that's great.
Last week was a tough week at work. Being a teacher, there's a certain amount of confidentiality I should maintain, for what should be obvious reasons, so I won't go into details, but I was pretty drained by the end of the week. Sometimes this job is quite tough. Things happen and I don't know what to do, so I just have to do the best I can, and it doesn't always feel like it's enough. Then especially I have to be gentle and kind and compassionate with myself. It's the only way I can imagine avoiding emotional burnout with this job. And it's a good thing to model for the kids, anyways.
OK, that's all for the week. Good luck on your own paths, friends ^_^
-IO
Good news: I was really happy this Saturday: for the past 3 weeks, I had been trying to get myself to start the day with 3 hours of work. I've got so much homework due this summer for my Montessori training, the only hope I have is to be spending at least 3 hours a weekend on it. I get the most done in the morning, Saturday is my free day, so that was the best time.
The first week, I didn't get any work done until like 7 pm. Even that was a little triumph, the result of me pushing and pushing. In the past, after missing the morning, I might have just given up. But no, I kept pushing myself, reminding myself, getting distracted, coming back to it, until finally I did some before going to bed. Small win.
The next weekend, I thought about what went wrong the previous weekend, and adjusted my plans. More success: I worked on my homework! But it took less time than I thought, and so I only worked on it for around half the time.
This weekend, again, I reflected on the past week, what worked, what didn't, and changed my plans accordingly, and finally, success!
It's so heartening to have that feeling, that if I keep working on something, so habit, etc, that I want to change, I can do so. I think one of the key factors in making it happen is hope and self-compassion. That is, the belief that I can do it, that I can succeed, if I just don't give up, and, being very gentle and kind with myself, when I don't succeed. That last bit may be the most important. For years I've wondered why I haven't been able to change myself in certain ways, despite hammering away at it for long periods of time, and I think that is a big part of the reason: I was super hard and critical of myself. Somehow that just totally shuts down the change/growth process.
I think it undercuts my motivation. I may start motivated, but after some initial failures, I lose steam, because I get depressed. And being depressed makes me kind of curl up emotionally, stop taking risks, and move towards comforting but unhelpful habits. We all tend to "self medicate" with our various distraction habits, whether they be actual drugs like alcohol or behavioral addictions like Internet shopping. And the negative self talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In any case, that's really encouraging.
Though it's not a fast process. I have so much that I want to change with my habits and work cycles and belief systems. It will take years, no doubt. I just have to be OK with that and celebrate whatever progress I do make. As long as I'm continuing to move forwards, that's a good thing. And sometimes that moving forwards process looks like moving backwards, as I take two steps forwards and one step back. What's important is that I just keep pushing to get myself back on track quickly, after I inevitably get knocked off. Slowly that recovery cycle gets quicker, and that's great.
Last week was a tough week at work. Being a teacher, there's a certain amount of confidentiality I should maintain, for what should be obvious reasons, so I won't go into details, but I was pretty drained by the end of the week. Sometimes this job is quite tough. Things happen and I don't know what to do, so I just have to do the best I can, and it doesn't always feel like it's enough. Then especially I have to be gentle and kind and compassionate with myself. It's the only way I can imagine avoiding emotional burnout with this job. And it's a good thing to model for the kids, anyways.
OK, that's all for the week. Good luck on your own paths, friends ^_^
-IO
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Musings and mental wanderings
What does it mean to lead a worthwhile life? I think it was Aristotle who framed the question as "what is the good life?"
It's not actually that complex, I think. I feel like I have an internal compass, that I can always turn to and simply ask, "what's the best thing I could be doing right now?" and then wait quietly, expectantly, but without pushing, and I'll get an answer. I'll get the best answer I can come up with. That is "doing my best." and as long as I feel I'm doing that, I can have peace.
The trouble is just in this: sometimes I forget to ask the question, to take the pause. Sometimes, for some reason, I don't want to take the pause and ask the question. Perhaps I am afraid of the answer I will get. Which is a little silly. But there it is.
There is more complexity to it, as I learn the specific things I need to learn to get better, or to learn how to do something I need to do. But it can ultimately be boiled down to that. Ask "what's the best I can do." And do it. Then enjoy, or learn from it, or both.
I need more hugs in my life. More social warmth. And a better weekend sleep routine. Sleep hygiene, they call it nowadays. Healthier to keep the time regular, and allow a wind-down before bed, not look at the blue light of cellphone and computer screens right before bed.
Anyhoo, short post this week. I'm getting better, little step by little step, returning to center and balance more quickly after getting knocked off. But the steps are small. They key is not getting discouraged, and not giving up. Gentle steady pressure towards growth. Finally I have almost all of one chunk of my Montessori training homework done. I followed my plan Saturday of not looking at email or internet etc. at all in the morning until I finished the homework I set out to do. I spent less time on it than I planned, but I did complete all the things I set myself to do. Next week I'll set a more ambitious goal, and aim for better sleep hygiene. One little step at a time.
This evening I plan to get done some of my class planning so I don't feel rushed tomorrow morning. little improvements. Drop by drop, a bucket is filled. Step by step, a journey is completed. Continual progress, not impossible perfection.
I want to end with something uplifting. The clear night sky where I live is so beautiful. When I look up at the stars, I'm filled with the beauty, and the vastness. I feel my little body and little problems shrink down to insignificance, compared to that awesome beauty and scale. It feels like a pressure on my heart is released and I can breathe. Similar to the feeling of when I'm really letting myself trust in God, in Spirit and it's flowing pathway laid out for me. One of the spiritual people I read said something like, to truly be a devotee, to surrender fully to God and lay yourself in his hands, you must develop the feeling that not even a blade of grass moves, but that he allows it to. That everything happens for your good. It's a comforting thought, if you actually believe it. Like the thought that we are eternal, spiritual beings, having a human experience in a physical body. It makes things less scary. Even if you don't have that specific certainty, just the general belief that God, the intelligence behind the universe, is unconditionally loving and benevolent. I really do think that is so, ultimately. But I still often forget ;-)
Good night, good week.
-Isaac
It's not actually that complex, I think. I feel like I have an internal compass, that I can always turn to and simply ask, "what's the best thing I could be doing right now?" and then wait quietly, expectantly, but without pushing, and I'll get an answer. I'll get the best answer I can come up with. That is "doing my best." and as long as I feel I'm doing that, I can have peace.
The trouble is just in this: sometimes I forget to ask the question, to take the pause. Sometimes, for some reason, I don't want to take the pause and ask the question. Perhaps I am afraid of the answer I will get. Which is a little silly. But there it is.
There is more complexity to it, as I learn the specific things I need to learn to get better, or to learn how to do something I need to do. But it can ultimately be boiled down to that. Ask "what's the best I can do." And do it. Then enjoy, or learn from it, or both.
I need more hugs in my life. More social warmth. And a better weekend sleep routine. Sleep hygiene, they call it nowadays. Healthier to keep the time regular, and allow a wind-down before bed, not look at the blue light of cellphone and computer screens right before bed.
Anyhoo, short post this week. I'm getting better, little step by little step, returning to center and balance more quickly after getting knocked off. But the steps are small. They key is not getting discouraged, and not giving up. Gentle steady pressure towards growth. Finally I have almost all of one chunk of my Montessori training homework done. I followed my plan Saturday of not looking at email or internet etc. at all in the morning until I finished the homework I set out to do. I spent less time on it than I planned, but I did complete all the things I set myself to do. Next week I'll set a more ambitious goal, and aim for better sleep hygiene. One little step at a time.
This evening I plan to get done some of my class planning so I don't feel rushed tomorrow morning. little improvements. Drop by drop, a bucket is filled. Step by step, a journey is completed. Continual progress, not impossible perfection.
I want to end with something uplifting. The clear night sky where I live is so beautiful. When I look up at the stars, I'm filled with the beauty, and the vastness. I feel my little body and little problems shrink down to insignificance, compared to that awesome beauty and scale. It feels like a pressure on my heart is released and I can breathe. Similar to the feeling of when I'm really letting myself trust in God, in Spirit and it's flowing pathway laid out for me. One of the spiritual people I read said something like, to truly be a devotee, to surrender fully to God and lay yourself in his hands, you must develop the feeling that not even a blade of grass moves, but that he allows it to. That everything happens for your good. It's a comforting thought, if you actually believe it. Like the thought that we are eternal, spiritual beings, having a human experience in a physical body. It makes things less scary. Even if you don't have that specific certainty, just the general belief that God, the intelligence behind the universe, is unconditionally loving and benevolent. I really do think that is so, ultimately. But I still often forget ;-)
Good night, good week.
-Isaac
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Addiction flavored brain states (probably sweet and salty)
(wrote this earlier in the week, posting on the weekend)
In a fit of acute clarity, I noticed that even when I tried to play a video game for a very short, reasonable amount of time--about 45 minutes--there was an unforeseen issue that made doing that inefficient.
If I could work hard, and then enjoy myself for a little bit at night with a really good game (currently I've been playing Breath of the Wild, which is like a Mozart Symphony in video game form, a masterpiece of the form, though not without flaws) that would be ideal. A nice balance of work and play. I tried that last night (as of this writing), setting an alarm for 40 minutes, giving me a few minutes to wind down. It probably went more like 50 minutes, but still, that's reasonable.
The unexpected thing was that afterward, I found myself in what felt like a different brain mode. Whereas before playing, I was feeling very self-disciplined, regimented, focused, ready to do all the good things I knew were good for me, like going to bed on time and eating my greens, afterward I had switched over to... what to call it... a less self-regulated flavor of thinking. rather than brushing my teeth and going to bed, I found myself dallying, reading this and that, and not getting to bed until around 10pm, instead of around 9.
An hour of play it absolutely OK. But if it requires an extra hour of... 'cool down' to get back into my feel-good do-good groove, and leaves me with a craving for more, rather than satiety,... I don't know about that.
I finally ended up reading a really good version of the Ramayana to wind down for bed, and a spiritual audio recording, and that felt so much better. I felt nourished, comforted, filled. I had to wonder why I would do the other thing to myself, when it left me discontented and craving.
Made me think of what I'd learned about the brain and addiction. So much of what our society does triggers dopamine and that brain cycle. People mistakenly think of dopamine as the feel-good chemical, but it is actually more like the craving chemical. It doesn't so much make you feel good, as make you want to feel good, often by doing very specific things. And those things tend to make you feel good short term, but then crave them even more.
Verses other things that make you feel good, and then leave you sated.
I think the clearest example of this is with bedtime reading: most modern novels are dopamine kicks: anything that you'd call 'a page turner' is setting you up chapter after chapter with cliffhangers and rising tension. Even though you're exhausted, something is pushing you to find out how it all ends, so you can get some closure. But even once you've gotten that closure, you're nervous system is all jazzed up from the excitement, and often results in weird dreams, because lots of intense and scary stuff was happening in the story. And almost always it ends with yet another cliff-hanger at the end of the book. Pure cruelty, serving the bottom line of business, making you need to buy that next book, when it comes out.
Versus, lets say, some uplifting spiritual literature: this also, if done well, lifts you up, makes you feel good, but it's not a page turner. it may be fascinating, but somehow, the whole is contained in the various parts, and you're never worrying if everything is going to be ok, because good is obviously going to triumph, and is triumphing in little and big ways, all the way through. You end up feeling ok, content, rather than lacking something.
The only problem with this, (and it's not really a problem, it's a good thing, it's why you can just read a little and then put it down) is that because it's not so addictive, it's less likely that we'll pick it up. we don't feel drawn, compelled to it. Our free will is left very much intact. It is always our choice.
It's kind of like a car salesman who knows they have a good product, and have plenty of customers, so they don't feel any need to push their product. They know it's good, they're making plenty of money, they can afford to just let people come to them, experience the car, and see that it's good for themselves.
Versus, on the addictive, dopamine side, a traditional used car salesman, with all the pressure tactics, deception, schemes to make their thing look more attractive, ways of getting your attention, ways of piercing your defences, making you want something you didn't even know about before and would never have considered getting on your own.
It's good business, but it's not good for you.
Some of it is good. But it's like the difference between fruit and candy. Fruit gives you a bit of a dopamine hit, but it's not extreme. You are almost never desperate for a banana like you might be for a coke or a cookie or some chocolate (depending on your personal tastes) And when you eat fruit, there's enough other stuff in there to regulate the digestion of it. To keep you from eating too much.
Just as we've distilled sugar to a point where it's powerfully addictive, we've distilled other experiences, like slot machines and video games and facebook, into powerfully addictive experiences.
And what I've been reminded of, is that we seem to have an 'addict mode' that we switch into, when doing something addictive, that carries over into the rest of our lives. In unexpected ways. It doesn't mean we become an addict for everything, but it does change our interactions with the world.
The simplest way I can describe it is like this: in that addiction mindset, I ignore my inner voice of rightness, often. I'm less self-controlled. I'm less willing to put off short term gratification for long-term rewards. I'm less willing to take risks and get uncomfortable, even for a good cause. I'm more inclined to snack, distract, and procrastinate (protract?). I'm less honest, especially with myself.
I think in order to do the addictive things which part of us knows is wrong, we need to put up a kind of screen, that shields us from the light of our conscience (another name I use for that quiet inner voice of rightness, or the voice of God within.)
Once we've put up that screen, we're more likely to do all kinds of things not in line with that inner voice. It's much easier, since we're already pretending "la la la I can't hear you."
But disregarding that voice has repercussions. It's hard to truly like yourself, deep down, when a part of you knows you're doing something that feels bad, or wrong. I think it's good to like yourself, even love yourself, no matter what. That's basically the meaning of unconditional love, and people generally agree it's a good quality to have.
But it's hard to do, and harder still, the more you feel out of integrity with yourself. Kind of a catch 22 though, since you'll do better if you feel better, and unconditional love and acceptance make you feel better, while shame makes you feel worse. Guilt can go either way. My definition of guilt is something you feel like you have the power to do something about. "that was bad, I feel guilty about it. I truly regret doing it, and I'm going to do my best not to repeat it." is a healthy process, if you then really let go of the guilt. I guess that's self-forgiveness? Shame, as I've been taught, is feeling bad about yourself, something intrinsic, that you can't change, that's who you are. "I guess I'm just a failure and I'll never be able to control myself" is shame, and it's toxic, not helpful.
This ended up long. Perhaps it deserved a long post, it feels like a big-ish realization.
In a fit of acute clarity, I noticed that even when I tried to play a video game for a very short, reasonable amount of time--about 45 minutes--there was an unforeseen issue that made doing that inefficient.
If I could work hard, and then enjoy myself for a little bit at night with a really good game (currently I've been playing Breath of the Wild, which is like a Mozart Symphony in video game form, a masterpiece of the form, though not without flaws) that would be ideal. A nice balance of work and play. I tried that last night (as of this writing), setting an alarm for 40 minutes, giving me a few minutes to wind down. It probably went more like 50 minutes, but still, that's reasonable.
The unexpected thing was that afterward, I found myself in what felt like a different brain mode. Whereas before playing, I was feeling very self-disciplined, regimented, focused, ready to do all the good things I knew were good for me, like going to bed on time and eating my greens, afterward I had switched over to... what to call it... a less self-regulated flavor of thinking. rather than brushing my teeth and going to bed, I found myself dallying, reading this and that, and not getting to bed until around 10pm, instead of around 9.
An hour of play it absolutely OK. But if it requires an extra hour of... 'cool down' to get back into my feel-good do-good groove, and leaves me with a craving for more, rather than satiety,... I don't know about that.
I finally ended up reading a really good version of the Ramayana to wind down for bed, and a spiritual audio recording, and that felt so much better. I felt nourished, comforted, filled. I had to wonder why I would do the other thing to myself, when it left me discontented and craving.
Made me think of what I'd learned about the brain and addiction. So much of what our society does triggers dopamine and that brain cycle. People mistakenly think of dopamine as the feel-good chemical, but it is actually more like the craving chemical. It doesn't so much make you feel good, as make you want to feel good, often by doing very specific things. And those things tend to make you feel good short term, but then crave them even more.
Verses other things that make you feel good, and then leave you sated.
I think the clearest example of this is with bedtime reading: most modern novels are dopamine kicks: anything that you'd call 'a page turner' is setting you up chapter after chapter with cliffhangers and rising tension. Even though you're exhausted, something is pushing you to find out how it all ends, so you can get some closure. But even once you've gotten that closure, you're nervous system is all jazzed up from the excitement, and often results in weird dreams, because lots of intense and scary stuff was happening in the story. And almost always it ends with yet another cliff-hanger at the end of the book. Pure cruelty, serving the bottom line of business, making you need to buy that next book, when it comes out.
Versus, lets say, some uplifting spiritual literature: this also, if done well, lifts you up, makes you feel good, but it's not a page turner. it may be fascinating, but somehow, the whole is contained in the various parts, and you're never worrying if everything is going to be ok, because good is obviously going to triumph, and is triumphing in little and big ways, all the way through. You end up feeling ok, content, rather than lacking something.
The only problem with this, (and it's not really a problem, it's a good thing, it's why you can just read a little and then put it down) is that because it's not so addictive, it's less likely that we'll pick it up. we don't feel drawn, compelled to it. Our free will is left very much intact. It is always our choice.
It's kind of like a car salesman who knows they have a good product, and have plenty of customers, so they don't feel any need to push their product. They know it's good, they're making plenty of money, they can afford to just let people come to them, experience the car, and see that it's good for themselves.
Versus, on the addictive, dopamine side, a traditional used car salesman, with all the pressure tactics, deception, schemes to make their thing look more attractive, ways of getting your attention, ways of piercing your defences, making you want something you didn't even know about before and would never have considered getting on your own.
It's good business, but it's not good for you.
Some of it is good. But it's like the difference between fruit and candy. Fruit gives you a bit of a dopamine hit, but it's not extreme. You are almost never desperate for a banana like you might be for a coke or a cookie or some chocolate (depending on your personal tastes) And when you eat fruit, there's enough other stuff in there to regulate the digestion of it. To keep you from eating too much.
Just as we've distilled sugar to a point where it's powerfully addictive, we've distilled other experiences, like slot machines and video games and facebook, into powerfully addictive experiences.
And what I've been reminded of, is that we seem to have an 'addict mode' that we switch into, when doing something addictive, that carries over into the rest of our lives. In unexpected ways. It doesn't mean we become an addict for everything, but it does change our interactions with the world.
The simplest way I can describe it is like this: in that addiction mindset, I ignore my inner voice of rightness, often. I'm less self-controlled. I'm less willing to put off short term gratification for long-term rewards. I'm less willing to take risks and get uncomfortable, even for a good cause. I'm more inclined to snack, distract, and procrastinate (protract?). I'm less honest, especially with myself.
I think in order to do the addictive things which part of us knows is wrong, we need to put up a kind of screen, that shields us from the light of our conscience (another name I use for that quiet inner voice of rightness, or the voice of God within.)
Once we've put up that screen, we're more likely to do all kinds of things not in line with that inner voice. It's much easier, since we're already pretending "la la la I can't hear you."
But disregarding that voice has repercussions. It's hard to truly like yourself, deep down, when a part of you knows you're doing something that feels bad, or wrong. I think it's good to like yourself, even love yourself, no matter what. That's basically the meaning of unconditional love, and people generally agree it's a good quality to have.
But it's hard to do, and harder still, the more you feel out of integrity with yourself. Kind of a catch 22 though, since you'll do better if you feel better, and unconditional love and acceptance make you feel better, while shame makes you feel worse. Guilt can go either way. My definition of guilt is something you feel like you have the power to do something about. "that was bad, I feel guilty about it. I truly regret doing it, and I'm going to do my best not to repeat it." is a healthy process, if you then really let go of the guilt. I guess that's self-forgiveness? Shame, as I've been taught, is feeling bad about yourself, something intrinsic, that you can't change, that's who you are. "I guess I'm just a failure and I'll never be able to control myself" is shame, and it's toxic, not helpful.
This ended up long. Perhaps it deserved a long post, it feels like a big-ish realization.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Beginnings, endings, visions. The practice of flow and rightness. The New Year.
It is the new year, and I start teaching again tomorrow. I got many things done over the break, and there are many things I did not get done. Most teachers wait for breaks to get sick, but I seem to have caught a low-grade stomach bug towards the end of break. Maybe all the sugar that's been proffered to me. Maybe the weird schedule I'd fallen into which tends to make my stomach feel bad. Maybe just the nervous anxious feeling I always get right before it's time to plunge back into the vast uncertainty that is my first year of teaching.
Had a talk with my girlfriend. Things kind of came full circle. One year ago, at my high school reunion, a few days before new years, we met, and hit it off big time. And a few days ago, at this years high school reunion, we met again, and had a chat, and ended things. She didn't have time/energy for the relationship and law school. We were connected via an emoji or two every night, but it wasn't enough to actually be growing in our relationship.
So, when she feels like she has time for a relationship, if I'm not in one, perhaps we'll get back together and give it a real go. I still think she's a fantastic person. But it could be several years yet, for that. I'm not going to put my life on hold for an indefinite period of time just for the chance to see if we'll work out. Perhaps if I already knew we worked really well together, I could wait a long long time.
In any case, it's sad. Now I don't even have those little texts, and my life feels a colder. But there's nothing else to do. I'm interested in finding a life partner. My main job in that is meeting and getting to know people, in the hopes of finding one that feels like home, that fits well. I wasn't interacting enough with her to be figuring that out, and I wasn't interacting with anyone else in that way because I was dating her. Or, at least waiting to date her and trying to maintain what we had in the interim.
It's interesting comparing last year to this year. It would be easy to get depressed, in the comparison. In many ways it doesn't feel like an improvement. Last year I was full of vim and vigor and pushing myself, taking risks, excited, focused, full of energy and promise. This year, I'm sad, mourning a little, tired, anxious.
It's ok. The new year is about visions for the future, it's about the inspirations for growth, and there are plenty to look forward too. I think the goal for the coming year is obvious: I need to re-find my joy, my sense of play in my work. I always work best when I'm able to relax and play. It's like with improv dance for me: it's all about that state of focus and relaxation, of flow, where I'm not anxious and worrying about failure, but intensely focused on the present moment, listening to that wisest of voices deep within and following it's instructions without hesitation, unattached to the outcomes, enjoying whatever is unfolding, understanding that whatever is happening, whatever comes up, is part of the dance. As long as I am in that state, there is no wrong.
That is one of the most healing aspects of the improv dance I did: somewhere to be, to create, where it is understood that you cannot make a mistake. There are no dance steps to get wrong, because it's all improv. And though you can certainly be more in the flow or less, it's nothing horrible if your out of it, it's just an opportunity to look and ask why, and learn from it.
There is no reason that all of life can't be like that. It takes different forms. In many aspects of life, you need to do lots of planning and preparation, sometimes there are even lines to memorize. You might think that makes the improv lessons non-applicable, but the truth is life is not a dance with the steps laid out for you, it is an improv dance. People may tell you that some moves are right and some are wrong, but ultimately it is all opinion. We are creating and accepting these different meanings and rules. The act of deciding that it's time to prepare, the preparation itself, is just one more improv decision and dance move. The same intelligence that tells you how and when to move, tells you how and when to think ahead and prepare things.
That state of flow, of rightness, and listening to the rightness, is universal. And it's the same things that interrupt it, in dance, and in life: the fear of failing, of being rejected, the desire to control everything, born of that fear. It would be easy to misinterpret this as an irresponsible state of being. Especially just talking about it intellectually. But what I'm referring to is an experience of a way of being, and my experience is that its not irresponsible at all. It results in the highest levels of performance.
But part of that learning how to dance is unique for each application in life. There is an open, receptive state that is fairly universal, for learning how to dance, but then the specific application, for dance, for college, for writing, for teaching, has certain skills that you are learning, and those skills don't start off good.
But they improve fastest from that open, playful state. Improv dance, writing, was often easy, because I could separate myself from the results. I didn't get ego-entangled. So it wasn't hard to just play, experiment, and not worry about how things turned out. Doing that with teaching, with the job I want to be doing professionally, is deeply ego entangled. If I'm not good at that, it hurts. It makes me think I myself am a failure. It's nearly impossible to play, have fun, take intelligent risks, welcome failure, be creative, when you are bound up like that.
So, for my new years goal, I want to work at being forgiving, not ego bound, not worried and anxious. I want to learn to dance with this, heck, to dance with my whole life, relationships too. To dance with freedom and rightness and joy.
There was a wonderful experience I had after one outdoor group improv dance that I did, where I just danced/walked off, out of the performance, back to the classroom where we were all going to meet. "The dance never ends." I realized, and that phrase stuck with me. Why did the dance ever have to end? why did I ever have to stop listening to that rightness, stop being in flow, connected to my source, open and accepting?
Well, of course there were lots of things that kicked me out of it, it was hard to maintain in the bustle of everyday life, but that didn't mean it was a bad idea to maintain it.
So, for this year, let that be my goal, my vision, the path I'm walking towards.
May the dance never end.
Happy New Year
-Isaac
Had a talk with my girlfriend. Things kind of came full circle. One year ago, at my high school reunion, a few days before new years, we met, and hit it off big time. And a few days ago, at this years high school reunion, we met again, and had a chat, and ended things. She didn't have time/energy for the relationship and law school. We were connected via an emoji or two every night, but it wasn't enough to actually be growing in our relationship.
So, when she feels like she has time for a relationship, if I'm not in one, perhaps we'll get back together and give it a real go. I still think she's a fantastic person. But it could be several years yet, for that. I'm not going to put my life on hold for an indefinite period of time just for the chance to see if we'll work out. Perhaps if I already knew we worked really well together, I could wait a long long time.
In any case, it's sad. Now I don't even have those little texts, and my life feels a colder. But there's nothing else to do. I'm interested in finding a life partner. My main job in that is meeting and getting to know people, in the hopes of finding one that feels like home, that fits well. I wasn't interacting enough with her to be figuring that out, and I wasn't interacting with anyone else in that way because I was dating her. Or, at least waiting to date her and trying to maintain what we had in the interim.
It's interesting comparing last year to this year. It would be easy to get depressed, in the comparison. In many ways it doesn't feel like an improvement. Last year I was full of vim and vigor and pushing myself, taking risks, excited, focused, full of energy and promise. This year, I'm sad, mourning a little, tired, anxious.
It's ok. The new year is about visions for the future, it's about the inspirations for growth, and there are plenty to look forward too. I think the goal for the coming year is obvious: I need to re-find my joy, my sense of play in my work. I always work best when I'm able to relax and play. It's like with improv dance for me: it's all about that state of focus and relaxation, of flow, where I'm not anxious and worrying about failure, but intensely focused on the present moment, listening to that wisest of voices deep within and following it's instructions without hesitation, unattached to the outcomes, enjoying whatever is unfolding, understanding that whatever is happening, whatever comes up, is part of the dance. As long as I am in that state, there is no wrong.
That is one of the most healing aspects of the improv dance I did: somewhere to be, to create, where it is understood that you cannot make a mistake. There are no dance steps to get wrong, because it's all improv. And though you can certainly be more in the flow or less, it's nothing horrible if your out of it, it's just an opportunity to look and ask why, and learn from it.
There is no reason that all of life can't be like that. It takes different forms. In many aspects of life, you need to do lots of planning and preparation, sometimes there are even lines to memorize. You might think that makes the improv lessons non-applicable, but the truth is life is not a dance with the steps laid out for you, it is an improv dance. People may tell you that some moves are right and some are wrong, but ultimately it is all opinion. We are creating and accepting these different meanings and rules. The act of deciding that it's time to prepare, the preparation itself, is just one more improv decision and dance move. The same intelligence that tells you how and when to move, tells you how and when to think ahead and prepare things.
That state of flow, of rightness, and listening to the rightness, is universal. And it's the same things that interrupt it, in dance, and in life: the fear of failing, of being rejected, the desire to control everything, born of that fear. It would be easy to misinterpret this as an irresponsible state of being. Especially just talking about it intellectually. But what I'm referring to is an experience of a way of being, and my experience is that its not irresponsible at all. It results in the highest levels of performance.
But part of that learning how to dance is unique for each application in life. There is an open, receptive state that is fairly universal, for learning how to dance, but then the specific application, for dance, for college, for writing, for teaching, has certain skills that you are learning, and those skills don't start off good.
But they improve fastest from that open, playful state. Improv dance, writing, was often easy, because I could separate myself from the results. I didn't get ego-entangled. So it wasn't hard to just play, experiment, and not worry about how things turned out. Doing that with teaching, with the job I want to be doing professionally, is deeply ego entangled. If I'm not good at that, it hurts. It makes me think I myself am a failure. It's nearly impossible to play, have fun, take intelligent risks, welcome failure, be creative, when you are bound up like that.
So, for my new years goal, I want to work at being forgiving, not ego bound, not worried and anxious. I want to learn to dance with this, heck, to dance with my whole life, relationships too. To dance with freedom and rightness and joy.
There was a wonderful experience I had after one outdoor group improv dance that I did, where I just danced/walked off, out of the performance, back to the classroom where we were all going to meet. "The dance never ends." I realized, and that phrase stuck with me. Why did the dance ever have to end? why did I ever have to stop listening to that rightness, stop being in flow, connected to my source, open and accepting?
Well, of course there were lots of things that kicked me out of it, it was hard to maintain in the bustle of everyday life, but that didn't mean it was a bad idea to maintain it.
So, for this year, let that be my goal, my vision, the path I'm walking towards.
May the dance never end.
Happy New Year
-Isaac
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