It is the new year, and I start teaching again tomorrow. I got many things done over the break, and there are many things I did not get done. Most teachers wait for breaks to get sick, but I seem to have caught a low-grade stomach bug towards the end of break. Maybe all the sugar that's been proffered to me. Maybe the weird schedule I'd fallen into which tends to make my stomach feel bad. Maybe just the nervous anxious feeling I always get right before it's time to plunge back into the vast uncertainty that is my first year of teaching.
Had a talk with my girlfriend. Things kind of came full circle. One year ago, at my high school reunion, a few days before new years, we met, and hit it off big time. And a few days ago, at this years high school reunion, we met again, and had a chat, and ended things. She didn't have time/energy for the relationship and law school. We were connected via an emoji or two every night, but it wasn't enough to actually be growing in our relationship.
So, when she feels like she has time for a relationship, if I'm not in one, perhaps we'll get back together and give it a real go. I still think she's a fantastic person. But it could be several years yet, for that. I'm not going to put my life on hold for an indefinite period of time just for the chance to see if we'll work out. Perhaps if I already knew we worked really well together, I could wait a long long time.
In any case, it's sad. Now I don't even have those little texts, and my life feels a colder. But there's nothing else to do. I'm interested in finding a life partner. My main job in that is meeting and getting to know people, in the hopes of finding one that feels like home, that fits well. I wasn't interacting enough with her to be figuring that out, and I wasn't interacting with anyone else in that way because I was dating her. Or, at least waiting to date her and trying to maintain what we had in the interim.
It's interesting comparing last year to this year. It would be easy to get depressed, in the comparison. In many ways it doesn't feel like an improvement. Last year I was full of vim and vigor and pushing myself, taking risks, excited, focused, full of energy and promise. This year, I'm sad, mourning a little, tired, anxious.
It's ok. The new year is about visions for the future, it's about the inspirations for growth, and there are plenty to look forward too. I think the goal for the coming year is obvious: I need to re-find my joy, my sense of play in my work. I always work best when I'm able to relax and play. It's like with improv dance for me: it's all about that state of focus and relaxation, of flow, where I'm not anxious and worrying about failure, but intensely focused on the present moment, listening to that wisest of voices deep within and following it's instructions without hesitation, unattached to the outcomes, enjoying whatever is unfolding, understanding that whatever is happening, whatever comes up, is part of the dance. As long as I am in that state, there is no wrong.
That is one of the most healing aspects of the improv dance I did: somewhere to be, to create, where it is understood that you cannot make a mistake. There are no dance steps to get wrong, because it's all improv. And though you can certainly be more in the flow or less, it's nothing horrible if your out of it, it's just an opportunity to look and ask why, and learn from it.
There is no reason that all of life can't be like that. It takes different forms. In many aspects of life, you need to do lots of planning and preparation, sometimes there are even lines to memorize. You might think that makes the improv lessons non-applicable, but the truth is life is not a dance with the steps laid out for you, it is an improv dance. People may tell you that some moves are right and some are wrong, but ultimately it is all opinion. We are creating and accepting these different meanings and rules. The act of deciding that it's time to prepare, the preparation itself, is just one more improv decision and dance move. The same intelligence that tells you how and when to move, tells you how and when to think ahead and prepare things.
That state of flow, of rightness, and listening to the rightness, is universal. And it's the same things that interrupt it, in dance, and in life: the fear of failing, of being rejected, the desire to control everything, born of that fear. It would be easy to misinterpret this as an irresponsible state of being. Especially just talking about it intellectually. But what I'm referring to is an experience of a way of being, and my experience is that its not irresponsible at all. It results in the highest levels of performance.
But part of that learning how to dance is unique for each application in life. There is an open, receptive state that is fairly universal, for learning how to dance, but then the specific application, for dance, for college, for writing, for teaching, has certain skills that you are learning, and those skills don't start off good.
But they improve fastest from that open, playful state. Improv dance, writing, was often easy, because I could separate myself from the results. I didn't get ego-entangled. So it wasn't hard to just play, experiment, and not worry about how things turned out. Doing that with teaching, with the job I want to be doing professionally, is deeply ego entangled. If I'm not good at that, it hurts. It makes me think I myself am a failure. It's nearly impossible to play, have fun, take intelligent risks, welcome failure, be creative, when you are bound up like that.
So, for my new years goal, I want to work at being forgiving, not ego bound, not worried and anxious. I want to learn to dance with this, heck, to dance with my whole life, relationships too. To dance with freedom and rightness and joy.
There was a wonderful experience I had after one outdoor group improv dance that I did, where I just danced/walked off, out of the performance, back to the classroom where we were all going to meet. "The dance never ends." I realized, and that phrase stuck with me. Why did the dance ever have to end? why did I ever have to stop listening to that rightness, stop being in flow, connected to my source, open and accepting?
Well, of course there were lots of things that kicked me out of it, it was hard to maintain in the bustle of everyday life, but that didn't mean it was a bad idea to maintain it.
So, for this year, let that be my goal, my vision, the path I'm walking towards.
May the dance never end.
Happy New Year
-Isaac
No comments:
Post a Comment