Good news: I was really happy this Saturday: for the past 3 weeks, I had been trying to get myself to start the day with 3 hours of work. I've got so much homework due this summer for my Montessori training, the only hope I have is to be spending at least 3 hours a weekend on it. I get the most done in the morning, Saturday is my free day, so that was the best time.
The first week, I didn't get any work done until like 7 pm. Even that was a little triumph, the result of me pushing and pushing. In the past, after missing the morning, I might have just given up. But no, I kept pushing myself, reminding myself, getting distracted, coming back to it, until finally I did some before going to bed. Small win.
The next weekend, I thought about what went wrong the previous weekend, and adjusted my plans. More success: I worked on my homework! But it took less time than I thought, and so I only worked on it for around half the time.
This weekend, again, I reflected on the past week, what worked, what didn't, and changed my plans accordingly, and finally, success!
It's so heartening to have that feeling, that if I keep working on something, so habit, etc, that I want to change, I can do so. I think one of the key factors in making it happen is hope and self-compassion. That is, the belief that I can do it, that I can succeed, if I just don't give up, and, being very gentle and kind with myself, when I don't succeed. That last bit may be the most important. For years I've wondered why I haven't been able to change myself in certain ways, despite hammering away at it for long periods of time, and I think that is a big part of the reason: I was super hard and critical of myself. Somehow that just totally shuts down the change/growth process.
I think it undercuts my motivation. I may start motivated, but after some initial failures, I lose steam, because I get depressed. And being depressed makes me kind of curl up emotionally, stop taking risks, and move towards comforting but unhelpful habits. We all tend to "self medicate" with our various distraction habits, whether they be actual drugs like alcohol or behavioral addictions like Internet shopping. And the negative self talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In any case, that's really encouraging.
Though it's not a fast process. I have so much that I want to change with my habits and work cycles and belief systems. It will take years, no doubt. I just have to be OK with that and celebrate whatever progress I do make. As long as I'm continuing to move forwards, that's a good thing. And sometimes that moving forwards process looks like moving backwards, as I take two steps forwards and one step back. What's important is that I just keep pushing to get myself back on track quickly, after I inevitably get knocked off. Slowly that recovery cycle gets quicker, and that's great.
Last week was a tough week at work. Being a teacher, there's a certain amount of confidentiality I should maintain, for what should be obvious reasons, so I won't go into details, but I was pretty drained by the end of the week. Sometimes this job is quite tough. Things happen and I don't know what to do, so I just have to do the best I can, and it doesn't always feel like it's enough. Then especially I have to be gentle and kind and compassionate with myself. It's the only way I can imagine avoiding emotional burnout with this job. And it's a good thing to model for the kids, anyways.
OK, that's all for the week. Good luck on your own paths, friends ^_^
-IO
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