Haiku Catch-up pt. 3 Shaxberd, unscheduled time, ch-ch-ch-changes

Did you know Shakespeare fiddled around with the spelling of his name, spelling it over 80 different ways, according to two totally un-fact-checked (by me) online sources? I was just thinking about this as I spelled "catch-up" differently for the 3rd time. (I'd heard it before these sources, I just googled to make sure I wasn't mis-remembering, and to get a specific number)

One thing that has me hopeful for my current stretch of unscheduled time, over previous times in my life, is a new behavior. When presented with some time, and the realization that there is nothing pressing that needs to get done, what is your knee-jerk reaction and then your actual action? Previously, it would be to go off on some interesting or fun tangent or distraction. Currently, it is mostly to get working on something important to me. That feels like a rather profound, fundamental shift in my behavior, in a very positive direction. At some point (or perhaps gradually) over the last several years, its sunk in that it actually feels really good to get the things you want done, done.

Title reference explanation: ch-ch-ch-changes 

Haiku Catchup part 2 Worthiness. Clarity. Feel.

 Worthiness. Clarity. Feel.

It was many years ago, when I was pining for a girlfriend, during my undergraduate at MUM, (once MIU, now MIU again) that I heard the phrase, "first deserve, then desire" and decided to work to become the best boyfriend material I could be. It didn't work right away, there was a lot of other stuff to do, but when I eventually did find my now wife (and to an extent, even when I was doing some dating) I found that paid off. I was a good boyfriend (and eventually husband) and I think I was able to have such a wonderful relationship with relatively little friction, due to that work I put in.

Now as I work towards work I love, I've stumbled across a concept that reminds me of this one, though from a different angle. It goes something like, "raise your frequency to that of your goal." And right now I'm thinking that means, once I've got a sufficiently clear idea of what that work entails, I need to make sure I'm a person who could get that work, and be successful in it.

All this depends on clarity of my goal. Goals are better if they are specific. On the other hand, with something as big as "work I love", it is possible that many things about that work might look different than I imagine them looking, while still actually meeting my core criteria, so it's also important not to be too specific, in the wrong ways. I need to get clear on what is actually important, and what the energetic feel is, that I'm looking for. That seems generally analogous to what I did to find Suzannah.

I don't feel like I have that clarity yet, but I have been working on it, and I do feel like I'm getting closer. Once it feels sufficiently clear, it's time to start 'dating,' wherein I can make further adjustments based on experience.

Haiku Kat Katchup part 1

I've got... 5 weeks to catch up on, so I'm going to try some quick, slice of life, haiku-like posts to make the task manageable. Really it's all like my own personal superstition, like not stepping on cracks to avoid bad luck or something, but it gives me a little sense of closure and motivation to keep up the habit, even when I've been off it. So, #1 of 5.

Sitting in the living room of Suzannah's house, which we will probably be moved out of in the next month or two. Already the living room feels empty, with all the plants moved over, except our dieing bonzai tree. I'm on the couch, with a napping cat on either side of me. It is darling, how they just like being near us. When I try and work in the office, they will meow at me, as if to say, "hey, come work out here, so I can sit in your lap, or at least next to you. I miss you."

I was never really a pet person, but these cats are just so good and loving (though Ume is sometimes naughty) that they've earned my full affection. I think I'll go bury my face in they're warm fuzzy bellies now. ^_^

-IO

Letters from Japan, pt. 3

BLOG POST 3 (November 5/6th, plane ride back)

It is either 7:01 am or 10:01 pm, depending if we’re talking about where I’m arriving or where I’m coming from. I’m on the plane back. There is so much I could talk about, too much really. I’ll try and capture as much as I can as soon as I can, but before I do that, I want to get started on some other items. It feels like the beginning of another chapter. A work and dharma chapter. Though actually, it doesn’t feel like that is really going to start for another few weeks, as we’re about to buy our house, so that’s going to be a large amount of what’s happening when we get back. More moving, along with finance stuff, the actual buying, and getting the house fixed up and ready to move into. And maybe getting the house we’re moving out of ready for a renter. It was a good long time in Japan, I’m ready to come back and get to work. I’m excited about it really. I think I took way too many pictures, I made a bunch of work for myself now, as I have to go through them and delete all but the best, or one representative one, for the various things we’ve done.

You’ll have to excuse me as I end this post quickly, as I’m eager to get on to the journaling and planning for what is to come, when I have spare time aside from house and moving logistics, and more so once that quiets down.

Letters from Japan, pt. 2

BLOG POST 2 (Same day as previous post, October 16th)

I’m writing this on the plane, still, on a simple Mac wordpad program, because no wifi. Some of the views have also been awesome on the plane. The window itself is really cool. It’s nice and big and instead of a blind you can pull down, there is a button below the window that you can press, to… I think polarize the window to lesser or greater degrees? Not a hundred percent sure, but it goes from normal window, to window wearing very light sunglasses, all the way down to super dark sunglasses. Oh, and the movie screen has a privacy… something on it, so you can’t see your neighbors screen well. No one judging what you’re watching I guess?

Anyhoo, we passed over some beautiful mountain ranges in Wyoming, and a crazy blue lake, when I checked the flight map we got the part it was near….Grand Teton national park. I’m partially writing these here because as we looked out, I said we should visit the park. Then said it again, when we were passing over… I think it was Vancouver island. Beautiful mountains and sea.

Letters from Japan, pt. 1

October… either 15th, or 16th, depending on what time zone we’re talking about. It’s probably… well, we left around 11:30, and then we just kept flying with the Sun, so it’s kind of just staying around noon, and it will be a bit after noon when we arrive. Trippy. I guess whenever we pass the international date line… Right now we’re up around the arctic.

It’s been a crazy week! Crazy in a good way, but a flurry of activity, preparing for this very trip that we are now on. The Japanese airplane is amazing. It’s spacious, there is a large screen for each passenger, and a lot of legroom, and the bathrooms are spacious and clean and have a slow close toilet so it doesn’t slam down with a loud noise when you shut it, and if I read the signs correctly it actually has a bidet installed, which Suzannah confirmed. And often when I go, someone has re-folded the toilet paper ends into chevrons to look tidy. And it has a no-touch flush button, as does the sink. Also, the meal was delicious, though a bit light, and all the plane staff are super friendly and courteous.

I’ve been a fan of much of the Japanese culture that’s been imported to America, but so far it seems that the actual Japanese culture is even more appealing to me than I at first thought. There is a little bit of a down side, in that from what I heard they are sticklers for rules, so you’re unlikely to be able to talk to someone at a service counter or something into making an exception for you. It seems kind of intense. But the rest of it seems quite lovely. I suppose I should not start making proclamations about it on the plane ride over. But so far, just the plane ride has been great.

Aside from the headache and nausea. But I get a headache pretty much every time I get on a plane. Especially when it’s a longer flight. I wish I knew what caused it. The mild nausea is new, I wonder if it’s related to the headache, the airport food I had before getting on the plane, or something else. Just another symptom of too much flying.

I watched Spiderman far from home which was great, and Dr. Strange and the multiverses of madness, which was awful. It was fairly well done, but there was just so much murder. Someone just wanted to kill all our favorite heroes and wrote a multiverse script to make it happen. It had kind of a horror movie vibe. So much less interesting character interactions than the spider man movie, so much more about spectacle. It was good spectacle, interesting ideas, fun to see super heroes that get less time, but not fun to see them gruesomely killed.

I’m not really a fan of smash boom spectacle even when it’s not gruesome. I suspect the headache and nausea didn’t help its case.

OK, that’s probably enough for one week, I think I owe two at this point though. So I’ll write the next one as well.

Irony, Shame, and Self-compassion

 Wow. It's been a really long time since I posted. Over a month. Which means more like two months, given the Japan trip.

Good news about habits: if you have genuinely established a habit, it won't just die if you somehow get off the habit. The pathways (good or bad) are grooved into your brain, and that means that when/if you decide to pick it back up, the habit will return relatively easily. So, that's what I'm hoping will happen with this.

It's interesting and at first glace a bit ironic (never sure if I'm using that word correctly without checking.) that upon returning and having more time than every before, I'm less on top of things than I've been in a long while. I wonder why that is? Obviously, part of it is that I totally disrupted all my patterns and habits while on the trip, so its taking time to return to them.

A more subtle part seems to be what might be called "letting off steam." I've been so tightly wound for so long, that I'm just kinda taking it easy, enjoying my freedom, having fun.

Another part is something I've recognized for a long time, which is the tendency to not do much, when faced with an unstructured life without many rigorous, time sensitive goals. Or, even if there are good, specific, challenging goals, not having any external accountability.

I had thought that I was at a point where I wouldn't have to worry about this, but I think rather I'm at a point where I can handle and overcome it using my intelligence and the various tools I've learned, along with my improved self-confidence and self-kindness. However, that is not an instant fix, but rather a process of trial, reflection, and improvement. For instance, it strikes me that it might be useful to set up a method for social accountability to my goals. Perhaps via a twitter account where I post what I'm planning on getting done that day or something. We will see. Not yet sure how necessary it is, but it highlights why most people are happier with a job rather than unemployed, even without financial worries. (As long as the job is at least neutral, and probably even if it's slightly bad.)

Suzannah is away for the week, and I think just having another person in the house adds a level of social accountability, at least short term, as I was really playing around for the first few days of that. However, after two or three days, the euphoria of 'vacation' has worn off and I'm ready to get back to work. Though I was getting work done those past days as well. Cooking and cleaning and various time sensitive tasks. But not much of the longer-term important stuff, and my schedule has been way off. 

I think one of the biggest differences from previous times in my life, thought it's been growing for several years now, is just my self compassion and kindness. Being kind and respectful with myself, even when I'm doing stuff I maybe shouldn't be, is the best thing I've ever done, for reducing that kind of behaviour.

It's fascinating: shame about your actions is apparently the most powerful force in keeping you doing those actions. At least it apparently was, for me. I genuinely wanted to change though, so perhaps there are other more important factors for other people.

In any case, the cycle seems to go like this: Do fun stuff that you think you shouldn't be doing->feel ashamed about it->do more distracting stuff, to try and distract yourself from the shame.

Versus the new cycle: Do fun stuff->realize you should stop and do other stuff->do the other stuff

Now, if something seems like an actual issue, I can take action to fix it-in the past I've set up a screen time limit on my own computer to very positive results- but most of what I'm doing is, say, playing a fun video game, or listening to an audio book while I do chores or go for a walk, perhaps for longer than I should. Maybe staying up a bit late listening to it. This is not cataclysmic. Maybe I'd like to reduce my time spent on these things and/or or when I do them. But I've been equating it to eating too many sweets: yes, it's not good for me, and I should endeavour to change that habit. But no, it's not a sign of moral decrepitude and being an awful person. Just an unhealthy habit to change. And while I'm eating them, I might as well enjoy the process rather than be tormented about it.

And, coming from the other side, when taking a bad habit away, it's important to have good habits to replace them with, and often, the best way to do that is to crowd out the bad habits with good habits. Rather than focusing on trying to repress my impulses with all my might, only to build up pressure and eventually explode, better to focus on positive things I like to do, and get back to them as soon as I can.

In any case, those are my current thoughts. I'm going on a short journey next week, and I've got a couple of blog posts I wrote while in Japan, that I need to post, so that's what's coming up next.

Love yourself, be well,

-Isaac