Wow. It's been a really long time since I posted. Over a month. Which means more like two months, given the Japan trip.
Good news about habits: if you have genuinely established a habit, it won't just die if you somehow get off the habit. The pathways (good or bad) are grooved into your brain, and that means that when/if you decide to pick it back up, the habit will return relatively easily. So, that's what I'm hoping will happen with this.
It's interesting and at first glace a bit ironic (never sure if I'm using that word correctly without checking.) that upon returning and having more time than every before, I'm less on top of things than I've been in a long while. I wonder why that is? Obviously, part of it is that I totally disrupted all my patterns and habits while on the trip, so its taking time to return to them.
A more subtle part seems to be what might be called "letting off steam." I've been so tightly wound for so long, that I'm just kinda taking it easy, enjoying my freedom, having fun.
Another part is something I've recognized for a long time, which is the tendency to not do much, when faced with an unstructured life without many rigorous, time sensitive goals. Or, even if there are good, specific, challenging goals, not having any external accountability.
I had thought that I was at a point where I wouldn't have to worry about this, but I think rather I'm at a point where I can handle and overcome it using my intelligence and the various tools I've learned, along with my improved self-confidence and self-kindness. However, that is not an instant fix, but rather a process of trial, reflection, and improvement. For instance, it strikes me that it might be useful to set up a method for social accountability to my goals. Perhaps via a twitter account where I post what I'm planning on getting done that day or something. We will see. Not yet sure how necessary it is, but it highlights why most people are happier with a job rather than unemployed, even without financial worries. (As long as the job is at least neutral, and probably even if it's slightly bad.)
Suzannah is away for the week, and I think just having another person in the house adds a level of social accountability, at least short term, as I was really playing around for the first few days of that. However, after two or three days, the euphoria of 'vacation' has worn off and I'm ready to get back to work. Though I was getting work done those past days as well. Cooking and cleaning and various time sensitive tasks. But not much of the longer-term important stuff, and my schedule has been way off.
I think one of the biggest differences from previous times in my life, thought it's been growing for several years now, is just my self compassion and kindness. Being kind and respectful with myself, even when I'm doing stuff I maybe shouldn't be, is the best thing I've ever done, for reducing that kind of behaviour.
It's fascinating: shame about your actions is apparently the most powerful force in keeping you doing those actions. At least it apparently was, for me. I genuinely wanted to change though, so perhaps there are other more important factors for other people.
In any case, the cycle seems to go like this: Do fun stuff that you think you shouldn't be doing->feel ashamed about it->do more distracting stuff, to try and distract yourself from the shame.
Versus the new cycle: Do fun stuff->realize you should stop and do other stuff->do the other stuff
Now, if something seems like an actual issue, I can take action to fix it-in the past I've set up a screen time limit on my own computer to very positive results- but most of what I'm doing is, say, playing a fun video game, or listening to an audio book while I do chores or go for a walk, perhaps for longer than I should. Maybe staying up a bit late listening to it. This is not cataclysmic. Maybe I'd like to reduce my time spent on these things and/or or when I do them. But I've been equating it to eating too many sweets: yes, it's not good for me, and I should endeavour to change that habit. But no, it's not a sign of moral decrepitude and being an awful person. Just an unhealthy habit to change. And while I'm eating them, I might as well enjoy the process rather than be tormented about it.
And, coming from the other side, when taking a bad habit away, it's important to have good habits to replace them with, and often, the best way to do that is to crowd out the bad habits with good habits. Rather than focusing on trying to repress my impulses with all my might, only to build up pressure and eventually explode, better to focus on positive things I like to do, and get back to them as soon as I can.
In any case, those are my current thoughts. I'm going on a short journey next week, and I've got a couple of blog posts I wrote while in Japan, that I need to post, so that's what's coming up next.
Love yourself, be well,
-Isaac
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