Benevolence, Classes start, Spinning up slowly

 Alright, we're a bit late coming to this, but there is a reason. I just finished the last of three classes for the week (well, not just, it's been several hours and a lunch later, but this morning). Yesterday was my first day of classes, and before that for several days I've been frantically trying to get myself and my systems in order to handle what I was anticipating would be a deluge of work I'd be doing for graduate school.

So far I've only dealt with the classes themselves. But it doesn't seem like it will be too bad. The teachers are nice, and basically, if you come to the lecture having read and thought about the main chapter assigned, and participate, you'll be fine.

Now, the next part is the coursework. I'll be able to tell you more about that after this week. I'm still trepidatious about the amount of work that I'll need to be doing. But actually, it doesn't seem like it will be too bad. My tentitive estimate of how much work this will be is, "quite a bit, but not overwhelming." I'm kind of cheating in that I'm not also trying to hold down a full-time job like some of the other students, but if I was, I'd probably only be doing once course at a time, like them.

In terms of the actual coursework, the books are interesting and thoughtfully written, and I already mentioned that the teachers seemed nice and supportive, as do the fellow students. I think I'll enjoy reading my assignments (so far I have) and it's just a matter of how much time it will take to do that. And, figuring out the right balance of note-taking. I like taking notes, but it slows me down considerably.

I am in a bit of a pickle with my organization system. I needed to update things a little bit, to handle all the information and tasks that would be coming to me from the program. But instead somehow I've changed a whole bunch of tools all at once. I think they are all things that will help a bit with my productivity, but there's a learning curve at first.

I think for me a lot of staying organized is just one simple concept: you have a bucket where you put stuff when it comes to you. Then, you regularly go through that bucket (not a literal bucket, (probably) but an inbox, literal box, letter tray, whatever) and figure out what needs to happen with each thing in there: does it need to get put away? Thrown out? Is there a to-do attached to it that you need to keep in mind? And then you need to have a bucket, some place, where everything goes. 

If you don't have an inbox bucket, your stuff is all over the place. If you don't check your inbox bucket regularly, it just turns into a pile of stuff. If you can't quickly figure out where it goes when you process it, or if it doesn't have a place, then it's too much resistance (and/or takes too much time) and the inbox bucket never gets processed and piles up, and eventually you rifle through it for any true emergencies and then put the rest in a closet somewhere and leave the emergencies on top of your desk. 

Or something like that. Then maybe someday you're feeling productive and you get out another bucket and repeat the process.

Oh, and for anything that needs your attention, you need the habit of regularly checking that bucket.

So, theoretically, it should be a really simple endeavour. Theoretically. In real life, there are lots of issues that crop up, mostly having to do with being squishy robots rather than the metal kind that don't have emotions. Deciding where things goes is an art, and if you've written down or put away a bunch of stuff somewhere and then realize it's not a good place for it and have to switch it around, that can take a lot of time and take you from being more productive to less.

So right now I am both trying to implement a new system and tools, and judge weather that system and those tools are actually going to be a good idea long term, before I put a bunch of time into it/them.

However, I'm at the point where classes have started, and also feel like I've done enough of the think-y bits and need to just get to doing things to actually figure out what works and what doesn't, and actually get work done. I've got textbooks to read. And soon, papers to write. But it's still a slow spin-up process, as I take one step, realize I need to do something I don't know how to do, look up how to do it, realize there are two other things I don't know how to do, look them up, find out I can't do one of them and the other kind of works but not well. Then I have to decide if I really want to keep doing things the way I'm doing them. Then I have to tell myself to stop thinking and just go with it for a while. Then remind myself that I don't actually need to do the third thing so I should just let it drop for now.

But still, it is spinning up. I'm getting it moving, but it's a heavy wheel so it's slow going at first. I've had a very interesting realization about my mindset and state of...being? feeling? functioning? related to being productive, but that's a long conversation, and this post is already long. Hopefully it will still be working next week and I can talk about it then if there's nothing more urgent, and I can also share how the homework is going and have a better sense of how this semester will be going.

Love to all of you friends and family who are reading this (all 3 of you :D ) and I guess a more general love for anyone else who found themselves hear by accident. Wishing you well.

-I

Fit, Creativity, Coming Alive

 Countdown! just over a week to go! Less even, until my orientation meeting!

I'm quite enjoying reading my text book and taking notes on it. Problems are arising in that I'm taking notes that are too copious. But I enjoy engaging with the text, summarizing things, writing my own thoughts and critiques, researching things that seem suspect or just topics that aren't well explained.

On the plus side, reading the 'intro to individual counseling' textbook is introducing me to the core theory and skills, which is giving me a better sense of my fit with counseling. And that sense is optimistic; as I continue to learn more, it's generally confirming my original thoughts that it is a good fit for my particular gifts and strengths and interests.

I've got a lot of tidying up I'd like to do before classes start though, and I don't know how much I'll actually be able to get done in the time before things start, so I really hope I'll have some time for that after classes start.

I have a meeting in a few minutes, and I'm leaving early tomorrow to fly back home, so this post is gonna be short.

I feel more comfortable with my extended family year by year, I think. It's nice. I think it's a mixture of my own personal growth and Suzannah's good influence on me.

Unrelated thought: I want to add a habit of being creative every day. Even if just for a few minutes. And I want to give myself time to connect to my own sense of enthusiasm and what I want in life, and follow it. Maybe that's not the best or most complete way of putting it... you know how some moments in your life, you just feel really 'alive'? I want to be connected and plugged into that aliveness.

Oh, and as I think about having kids, I'm a little sad at how far apart in ages any kids I have will be from the other kids my cousins have. Though also grateful for the friends and family that are having kids at around the same time. 

Also not sure how we'll give them a good education in the small rural town we're in, but that's a problem for 5+ years later I suppose. I should be focusing on the task of how to raise babies and toddlers well without going crazy from stress and sleep deprivation 😅

-I Out

To be, or not to be good enough

I had an interesting realization this last week.

For years, I've been all about self-improvement. I wanted to be the best version of myself. Like the army slogan. Suzannah has made me realize though, intellectually, that sometimes (often?) the self-improvement impulse makes people feel worse about themselves. I didn't relate to that as much, personally. But perhaps that's because I had such a deep seated feeling of not being good enough, that other people implying that wasn't a different experience. It was just like they were saying I had dark brown hair. Oh, of course, yes.

I spent a lot of energy trying to re-program how I handled failing at my goals and ideals to be more compassionate, and eventually succeeded. For the most part, nowadays, as I pursue my own improvement, there is an ok-ness with who I am, and a gentleness with my mistakes and failure.

But over this trip, being with family, for some reason I noticed in other people, their desire to improve themselves. They talked about exercise or diet or whatnot, and the things they were trying to do for improving that. And for some reason, I saw clearly the underlying message behind some (much?) of that: 'you're not good enough as you are.' Or 'your not ok as you are.'

Unfortunately, much of the 'self-help' industry is a business that, like beer or car commercials, makes it's money by convincing you that you are lacking something, and buying X will give it to you. If it's a car commercial, maybe it will buy you popularity or freedom or something. With self-help stuff, it's more like there's something wrong with you, and buying the book/program/etc. will make you finally not wrong. But like with a new fancy car, there isn't actually anything wrong with you, so the advertisement needs to instil a sense of there being something wrong with you.

One of the most obvious and yet still effective cases of this is with women's physical appearance. Could be make-up, diet, exercise, clothes. It goes beyond specific commercials at this point to a culturally implanted idea, but the concept they are selling is pretty simple. They want you to think you're not pretty enough, and if you get pretty enough, your life will be better, and then if you buy X, you will be pretty. QED except the research says being pretty is unlikely to actually make you happier.

Anyways, this left me with regret, and an important question.

Regret, because I was modeling this behavior to others. I cringe a bit to think how many people I subtly influenced to start taking part, or increase their buy int, to the "self-improvement, not-good-enough" paradigm/treadmill by my example.

And a question: how to motivate positive behavior in self, in a way that doesn't have all the negative side effects of "not-good-enough" culture. 

I need something where the fundamental belief is "I am fine/good/enough/accepted just as I am" but also is strongly motivating for positive behaviors. I suppose healthy behavior is a good example. Eating well and staying active is good for health, energy, longevity, and mood, among other things. It is something I want to do more of. And sometimes, when I'm tired or rushed in the moment I don't want to do those things. So I need something that is strongly motivating for me, even when I'm at my weakest.

And, I need a way of talking about it and presenting it, that is contagious in a good way. That is to say, anyone doing something that seems like a good idea, has the chance to make other people start thinking about doing it. But I don't want to do something that makes other people start judging themselves harshly and thinking there's something wrong with themselves.

I guess somehow the idea is inspiration vs. ... shame? Feeling like there's something wrong with you? Something like that. Hopefully if my own mindset and approach are clearly shifted that will automatically shift how I present and talk about it. The question is, how do I do that? My current question.

Take care and love,

(and maybe I'll write another post soon, since this is for last week)

-Isaac

Shenandoah. Bonding over video games. Boredom and creativity.

 I'm at my first destination, Suzannah's family's house. Took a short camping trip out to Shenandoah park. We had some adventures, almost got caught in an intense thunderstorm with some hail (did catch the beginning of it before making it, running to our car). We got to some nice vista's, though on the final day the wind was so strong it felt like it would knock us off our lookout point. 

Back at Suzannah's families house I've been spending time with the nephews and for whatever reason, I clicked more with them this time. Not sure what made the difference, but previously they had been kind of timid or uncomfortable around me, but this time I just kind of integrated in. I think we've bonded over our shared enjoyment of video games like Mario, and maybe the different context of being at their new house was kind of a reset.

I suppose it would be nice to bond over something more productive, like education or positive values or learning or nature, but I'll take what I can get, at least to establish rapport, and work in the other stuff as I can. Makes me think about child-raising in general though. That's in the plan for some time soon, so I'm thinking more about what I want to be and what environment I want to have for our future kids. I need fun things to do with kids that are wholesome and not technology-centered. It's sooo much easier to just give them a device and let them be endlessly entertained. If I don't have a plan ahead of time, whenever things get stressful/hectic, that's going to be too tempting to ignore. Like having sweets on the table all the time, maybe you can avoid eating them in the morning, but at the end of the day when your exhausted, day after day, eventually you're probably going to break.

On the other hand, it's not rocket science, doing fun things with kids. Generally they will come up with some creative game to play, and it will be fun for them, just having you play along. What seems less common is being able to entertain themselves, especially without technology derived games. This isn't isolated to kids though, I think adults often have this problem as well. I generally do not and can entertain myself indefinitely, especially given access to books.

I think kids can do this just fine too. I've just been witnessing the transition from 'I'm bored' to finding non-screen things to do, to entertain themselves with, after running out of screen-time, as I write this. Two brothers play-fighting imaginatively with each other. The older brother is impressing me with how they are handling their younger brother gently. It must have taken a lot of thoughtful parenting and teaching, but the fruits are worth it.

In other thoughts, perhaps I mentioned this earlier, but after doing two short courses with my old creative writing teacher recently, I'm feeling nostalgic for the times in my life when I was regularly creating. I love creating, and I kind of put that part of myself on a shelf for a decade and change to 'be adult' and find work or a job that fit me. Having just taken it off the shelf, I find it quite dusty and rusty from disuse, which saddens me. I don't want to leave it in that state, and even if it's just something like this blog, a once a week few minutes trying to do something creative. I'd like to establish a creative habit. I think it would be good for my soul. And perhaps ultimately good for the rest of my life as well.

I think I'm going to begin digging into my textbook now so I've got a little bit of a head start for classes.

I'll be seeing some of you quite soon!

-I Out

Time management: do less things. Surrender, trust, accept. Textbook.

 Just a short one this week. I'm leaving in three days for two weeks of seeing family.

I've got the list of my textbooks for the coming classes. Maybe I'll start studying them over my travels.

I've got lots of habits that I want to establish, but I am trying to be smart and not do too many at once. I've got a list of 3 habits, and those are all I'm focusing on, until they are well established. No more than three at a time.

So much of my current thoughts about time management are about simplicity and less. there are 24 hours in a day. I can't just keep adding things to my plate, I can't add hours to the day. I have to choose, and in choosing, decide what not to do. Larger tasks require a certain amount of concerted effort, and if they don't get it, they don't come to fruition. If I spread myself too thin, nothing comes to fruition. Chase two rabbits, catch none.

Surrender, and trust, is another theme for my life these days. Letting myself trust in God, source, Truth, whatever you want to call it. Surrendering my little will to the big Will. That surrender and trust seems to be far and away the best way forward. The least bumpy, and the most effective, at the same time.

Awareness is also playing a key role. The more conscious, aware I am, of what I'm doing, and choosing what to do, deliberately, thoughtfully, the more effective I am. Even without moving quickly, I get much more done, because I am doing what needs to be done, and, especially when I time myself, I am not spending undue time on things that don't merit lots of time. It's hard to do though, especially when I'm tired at the end of the day, like now. It seems to require a fair amount of willpower, which is a cue letting my know that my systems aren't well set up.

People who express high levels of willpower play proactively, not reactively. They set up their lives and routines so they don't need a lot of willpower to do the right thing. Their rituals and environment and systems make it the easier thing to do. But I'm not focusing on that now. Why? 3 things. Only three things. I need a page in my journal where I can write down all the other great ideas for habits and things I want to do, so I can feel comfortable putting them aside for now, so I can nurture the 3 I've decided to focus on.

With love (and I'll probably be seeing many of you soon in my travels)

-Isaac