Choices, trade offs, pathways.

 Alright, part 2. This part isn't sad. If you missed the last post, I'll summarize the important relevant bit: someone I respect kinda poo-pooed the idea of getting a counseling masters, so I'm having to re-think that decision carefully.

I'm home, wrapping up my application, and I'm going to have to spend some more time really thinking about my next step. Do I go this route, or do I try and forge a less mapped out path? I have a general idea of what I want to do. The creating part seems pretty clear and is less reliant on other people. I could start on that tomorrow, and maybe I should. That's yet another path to choose from.

The working with people part is less clear. There are classes and work with groups that I want to do, but mostly I want to work more intimately, more one on one. Coaching, counsel and therapy, mentoring, all seem like they could fit the bill. I want to do it with a spiritual bent, because I'm all about spiritual/personal growth. Being a counselor seems very much like it fits the bill. I think the draw of getting the masters in it is that it makes getting clients potentially much easier.

If I am state certified to take insurance and I've got the degree, people know I'm serious. I'm already serious, but how do other people know that? Without any certification it's basically just word of mouth, and without some clever angle or niche, I'm just some dude hanging up an "advice $1" sign on the sidewalk. The counseling masters is a really robust way of making sure I've got clients.

The main cost, aside from money (which is also substantial) is time. Even though the degree is pretty on topic, there will probably be things I'll learn that I don't really need to know. I'll have to do things that are of questionable value, to satisfy the degree requirements. Like with becoming a teacher, I suspect pretty much everything important about the job will be learned on the job. I could be spending that time learning exactly what I need to know, doing exactly what I need to do.

I think, as long as the degree is not too all-consuming, I'm still leaning towards it. I'm really not the self-promoter type. In addition to giving me at least a decent amount of the information I need, the degree makes it pretty easy for me to find work. Especially if I get licensed. And the experience, which is where I'll actually learn to do the thing, is built in to the program.

However, I am not yet decided. I could start doing and learning exactly what I wanted to, right now, rather than in 3-5 years (three of school, two of supervised practice in I want to be licensed to practice on my own, which may or may not be similar to what I most want to be doing, based on what's available in my small hometown.) 

That obviously sounds more attractive on it's own, but get's balanced out by the fact that I have no idea if I can actually make money and get clients doing that without credentials, or how much time and energy I'd have to put into entrepreneurial and marketing type stuff.

The balance might be a bit of both. The online programs are technically designed for older people who already have jobs and so are technically part-time. I can start doing the degree part time, and start doing the work I want to do, with the other part.

Alright, that's where I'm at. This is long, and the last part is maybe not a downer, so perhaps I'll split it off and make it the blog post for this week.

Oh, and I was reminded about a conversation I had with Suzannah about my deleted "negative" blog post. Afterwards, I had a conversation with her, and maybe it bears on any of you who read me being unhappy and think there's a problem: I use writing to think, and to process my emotions. Like that old catchphrase, "name it to tame it." putting words down for my thoughts and feelings helps make it concrete and get some distance from it. It helps me process my feelings and think through my thoughts. So often after I've had a good negative writing session, I feel better.

If it's really negative though, I'll try and limit myself to my personal journal. I get to swear there and everything :D

Alright, good-bye for this week. 

Eeyore. Ash. It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

 I'm currently 2 weeks behind, and that is because I posted one last week that my wife may have indicated was 'too negative.' And then I was busy and didn't want to think about it or try again while I was still in that state.

I'll try and keep this one from being 'too negative' but it may end up being a bit negative, so, well, if you don't want to hear about that, just skip it. You've been warned. No complaining to me if you read it anyways.

First the good: France was beautiful, we had adventures, and our hosts, some old family friends, were incredible. They shuttled us around, showed us the best places, even cooked for us. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for all they did and I think it was a very special experience for Suzannah getting to see and taste all the amazing experiences.

Now the bad: which was pretty much all in my head, not having to do with anything external. 

Right before I left, maybe three days, I finally got to chat with an older mentor-type figure who had gone through a therapy/counseling program. I wanted to get his opinion about doing so, and he gave it to me. It was in a nutshell that he wouldn't recommend doing the program. 

He wasn't even able to get certified in his state because he hadn't done his research and he needed a doctorate in his state. And he said one could learn most of the specialized knowledge by reading a few books. He said I could try and get certified quicker and with less restrictions doing an MSW, but I'd be learning a bunch of stuff that I wasn't interested in. He suggested maybe trying to swing my current masters into a consulting type job or something.

He hadn't realized I was already applying, and when I mentioned that he backpedaled a little bit, saying it was a good job, he knew people who did it and liked it. Though he still suggested I just do a shorter course that taught some specialized knowledge for how to help with trauma, which you don't get just from books or common sense. I think he apologized for being a downer or something, but I was glad for an honest opinion. Though I didn't have time to really consider it at that point because I needed to be getting stuff done: applying to things and getting ready for the trip.

When my birthday came around, I had finally slowed down a bit, and had time to reflect, and the reflections were not good. I was questioning my whole path, and the trip, which I had thought of as a kind of victory celebration, having figured out my next step, felt more like a mockery. "you thought you knew what to do with your life? Ha! That'll teach you. Maybe everything you thought you figured out was wrong and you have to start again from scratch. Maybe you're just kidding yourself, yet again, and wasting more time.

It was a little stark, being phyiscally in what you might call paradise, but what's that phrase, something about everything turning to ash in your mouth? I couldn't enjoy any of it.

I got myself up and out, I took some time to reflect and collect my thoughts in nature, which always helps a bit. I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, and looked for the lesson in it all. I managed to distract myself some of the time, and find a way forward, and enjoy what was going on, but whenever there was a chance to settle and reflect, or something went wrong, it was Eeyor's voice bemoaning his fate and the futility of everything. 

Some of what we were doing was kind of tourist-y, visiting historical monuments and sightseeing, which is not normally my thing, but I felt obliged to do it. I could go for a walk in the woods anywhere, if I was in France, then I felt kind of obligated to see the things I could only experience in France. But being in and out of this dreary mood made it harder to get into the state of mind where I could enjoy things. I got mostly out of the funk after a day or two, but it continued to cast a bit of a shadow over things every now and then.

I felt ungrateful, and wasteful, and like I was a drag on Suzannah enjoying her time. But the bottom like was, emotionally, some of the time, I was going through a bit of suck, and there was nothing I could do to change it. If you're feeling bad, and someone tells you not to feel bad, it generally just makes you feel worse. At some point when the bad taste from my own internal yuck is gone maybe I'll share some of the fun adventures I had in France, of which there were many. For now, moving on. I'm gonna split this post up, since I need two, and since this next part isn't me being unhappy, just me thinking about what I'm going to do next.

end part one.

I'm in France!

Bonjour! I'm in Saint Siffret, France. Was in Paris a few days ago. No time to sit and write about it now though, I'm too busy living it. I'll write about it later. It's beautiful, the food is delicious and fresh, and I'm having a good time with the family friends we're staying with and Suzannah. Talk more later, au revoir!

Paris is coming! Application is getting done! Spring is here!

Well, It's Monday and I have solid 1st drafts of all 5 of my application essays, 4 of which are now under the maximum word count and one of which is only 60 or so words over, and so maybe is fine to. Starting to feel like I got this! Next up is getting my resume in order and making sure I've got 3 letters of recommendation. Or 2 now, since I've already got one done. It's starting to feel like I'll be able to take time to pack and prepare a little bit for France before I leave 😄

All but one of my essays has gone through a first pass edit with a friend, so I think I'm in good shape. Can't let up the pressure yet, but I think I will be able to do everything that needs to get done in the alloted time, which, last week this time, I was not so sure about. I was able to learn how to write an essay within a word count over the last week, and apparently the results are decent. Growth mindset and learning for the win!

For now, I'm staying focused though:

"On the plains of hesitation lie the blackened bones of countless millions who at the dawn of victory lay down to rest, and in resting died."

  -Adlai Stevenson I (so says the interwebs)

There is a lot of wonderful stuff going on these days! I want to talk about it, but I will have to save the longer bouts of writing for when I am traveling on a plane to France, or sipping decaf coffee and eating fresh baked croissants in a cafe in Paris. Hourra!

Looking forward to when I'll be writing the next one of these!

Time and word count

 I'm still writing the grad school essays. There are two in particular that I've been banging my head against for days, mainly because my word count is too high, but also because I'm trying to make a really good previous essay I wrote fit into the word count. The word count is too high for all of my essays, but particularly those two. I am hopefully getting closer to them not being too high. I suppose this says something about my writing. You already knew this if you've been reading my blogs, but I have a hard time writing something short.

This would be fine, but I don't know how much time these are going to take, and I'm leaving for France in a week, so I've been putting just about everything else on hold, or reducing it to emergency sustenance levels. However, I only have so many hours of good writing in me, and they all happen in the morning, so especially when something comes up, like it did today, that has to get taken care of in the morning, it hurts extra. And I can get a lot more done when I'm well rested, so when I don't get enough sleep, like last night, it also hurts. This is one of the reasons I'm writing this now, in the afternoon. Yesterday I worked into the evening, perhaps because I'd gotten a good night of sleep, but today I was done by lunch. I knew I wasn't getting any more good writing out of myself, so I switched over to other tasks that need to get done before I leave, or in preparation for our trip.

OK, I'm on to the next thing now. Bonjour!

-Isaac