I'm currently 2 weeks behind, and that is because I posted one last week that my wife may have indicated was 'too negative.' And then I was busy and didn't want to think about it or try again while I was still in that state.
I'll try and keep this one from being 'too negative' but it may end up being a bit negative, so, well, if you don't want to hear about that, just skip it. You've been warned. No complaining to me if you read it anyways.
First the good: France was beautiful, we had adventures, and our hosts, some old family friends, were incredible. They shuttled us around, showed us the best places, even cooked for us. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for all they did and I think it was a very special experience for Suzannah getting to see and taste all the amazing experiences.
Now the bad: which was pretty much all in my head, not having to do with anything external.
Right before I left, maybe three days, I finally got to chat with an older mentor-type figure who had gone through a therapy/counseling program. I wanted to get his opinion about doing so, and he gave it to me. It was in a nutshell that he wouldn't recommend doing the program.
He wasn't even able to get certified in his state because he hadn't done his research and he needed a doctorate in his state. And he said one could learn most of the specialized knowledge by reading a few books. He said I could try and get certified quicker and with less restrictions doing an MSW, but I'd be learning a bunch of stuff that I wasn't interested in. He suggested maybe trying to swing my current masters into a consulting type job or something.
He hadn't realized I was already applying, and when I mentioned that he backpedaled a little bit, saying it was a good job, he knew people who did it and liked it. Though he still suggested I just do a shorter course that taught some specialized knowledge for how to help with trauma, which you don't get just from books or common sense. I think he apologized for being a downer or something, but I was glad for an honest opinion. Though I didn't have time to really consider it at that point because I needed to be getting stuff done: applying to things and getting ready for the trip.
When my birthday came around, I had finally slowed down a bit, and had time to reflect, and the reflections were not good. I was questioning my whole path, and the trip, which I had thought of as a kind of victory celebration, having figured out my next step, felt more like a mockery. "you thought you knew what to do with your life? Ha! That'll teach you. Maybe everything you thought you figured out was wrong and you have to start again from scratch. Maybe you're just kidding yourself, yet again, and wasting more time.
It was a little stark, being phyiscally in what you might call paradise, but what's that phrase, something about everything turning to ash in your mouth? I couldn't enjoy any of it.
I got myself up and out, I took some time to reflect and collect my thoughts in nature, which always helps a bit. I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, and looked for the lesson in it all. I managed to distract myself some of the time, and find a way forward, and enjoy what was going on, but whenever there was a chance to settle and reflect, or something went wrong, it was Eeyor's voice bemoaning his fate and the futility of everything.
Some of what we were doing was kind of tourist-y, visiting historical monuments and sightseeing, which is not normally my thing, but I felt obliged to do it. I could go for a walk in the woods anywhere, if I was in France, then I felt kind of obligated to see the things I could only experience in France. But being in and out of this dreary mood made it harder to get into the state of mind where I could enjoy things. I got mostly out of the funk after a day or two, but it continued to cast a bit of a shadow over things every now and then.
I felt ungrateful, and wasteful, and like I was a drag on Suzannah enjoying her time. But the bottom like was, emotionally, some of the time, I was going through a bit of suck, and there was nothing I could do to change it. If you're feeling bad, and someone tells you not to feel bad, it generally just makes you feel worse. At some point when the bad taste from my own internal yuck is gone maybe I'll share some of the fun adventures I had in France, of which there were many. For now, moving on. I'm gonna split this post up, since I need two, and since this next part isn't me being unhappy, just me thinking about what I'm going to do next.
end part one.
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