Guts, Gottman, Ghosts

 This is the post for last Sunday. I'm busy. Teaching, especially when you are really trying to become a good teacher, requires a huge energy input and a lot of guts. Energy should be obvious, because kids are often exhausting when you're in charge of them. Guts because to improve you have to put yourself out there, take risks, do things that are uncomfortable, fail, humbly learn from your failures, rinse and repeat.

I will do it. I will learn, grow, and get good. And, there's a part of me that wants to help teachers like me: new, inexperienced and overwhelmed, looking for a viable pathway to become a big force for good in a lot of people's lives, but not sure how to get there. But first I need to be speaking from experience. There's a part of me that wonders if I will end up at least partly in the research side of things. I have a dream of doing, or being a part, bringing Gottman's approach to relationships, to teaching and teacher training. Only I'm not only or even primarily interested in academic growth, but im personal and character growth. I want good citizens, good people, coming out of our schools. Not just smart people. Good people. And happy people.

In any case, I think Gottman did a pretty good job of helping people do that with relationships, if they're willing to do the work. He has a nicely open, scientific approach to it, that feels less biased and more accurate than most relationship guru's advice. I want something like that for education, teacher training, and perhaps some of it can transfer down to parenting. Basically, there are plenty of people doing a really go job of this already, I just want to isolate out what the factors are that make them good teachers (or parents) and then refine a training method that will truly teach someone how to do these things, not in theory, but in reality, in actual practice. And probably the research will point to a lot of things that people are already doing well, and so my job would just be indicating what those things are and where gaps need to be filled.

In any case, I think that while teaching is extremely rewarding, I'm not using one of my biggest gifts : my love of research, and so I've got thoughts bubbling in the back of my brain, how to get the best of both worlds.

In any case, for now these are just daydreams, since I'll be doing what I'm currently doing for the next three years at least.

Also I'm maybe going to play the board game Mysterium with some friends via zoom, if we can figure out the logistics, this Halloween. I'll probably be the Ghost, which is a challenging but fun role. Hope you all have a good all hallows eve ;-)

Stay Safe, and pray for the election of a sane government.

-Isaac

Water Filtration, Terrible internet, Great Cats.

 I am aware that I am a week behind on my posts. As previously mentioned, you can safely assume this means I'm not just busy but overwhelmed with novel and challenging tasks and outside my normal comfortable routine.

I'm about to continue my long and challenging research into water filtration to make sure we are not slowly poisoning ourselves via the chemical cesspool in which we live. (or, let's be real, poisoning ourselves to the most limited degree we reasonably can.)

I'm typing this via a mobile hotspot with my iphone because att's "fiber optic super fast internet" is terrible. I despise it. It stops working probably every day on average. Often at the most inconvenient times. Unfortunately, I have yet to have time to address this issue, because more important issues require my attention. The water filter is more important because Suzannah has specifically asked me to prioritize getting it done so we can stop buying bottled water. But it's up there on my list. This problem also makes me angry at my mac computer, because it seems to be something wrong with the hardware. Sometimes my computer won't connect, sometimes, Suzannah's won't. So far, even when they don't connect, I can use my ipad. This means there is something about our computers plus the (probably low quality) router that ATT has foisted on us (another bout of aggravation, because the people involved said we could use our own router, only to later tell us that no, we needed to rent theirs for 10$ a month, but we could put our router on top of thiers, if we wanted to (which just seems like an additional layer of complexity to possibly go wrong...))

In any case and in better news, I'm not getting my ipad just yet because I have a cat curled up in my lap that I don't want to disturb, because they are very cute right there. Perhaps I should include a picture...

So I'm using my mobile hotspot to connect to the internet. I suppose I should be grateful that works. 

It seems weird to be angry at little things, when I have so much abundance and things to be grateful for. A home, a wonderful wife and pair of cats, a job where I get to be of service, a place to walk outside in nature. It's silly to complain. But it's kind of like with the kids I'm teaching. Of course you love them, but you don't let them get away with lying and being mean to each other or shirking responsibilities. Same thing with companies, it's not useful to carry a grudge, but they also shouldn't just be a given a free pass on irresponsible and dishonest business practices. 

But I digress, and I also need to get back to my water purification system research, so I'll see you either next week or tomorrow, depending on how much time I end up having. 

I suppose I'll sum up like this: work is a huge energy sink, it's exhausting, but it's a worthy pursuit, I really enjoy the kids, and love the opportunities to teach them life skills and how to grow into good human beings, beyond just the academic growth. I'm also excited as my office is coming together more and more (as I find little bits of time to work on it.) I feel like I have very little time, I fantasize about having a real break, or working part time. Being with Suzannah continues to be a dream come true, what I always wanted: to have my best friend as my life partner. 

OK, that's all for now, 

Bye,

-Isaac

Clutter, simplicity, my beloved extra storage room. Balance.

I saw a quarter cut out of the last donut at work and thought "you cowards." 

(In a joking way.)

The "who will eat the last piece" game always struck me as strange. You want the last piece, but you feel guilty taking it. However, if it's the second to last piece, you don't feel guilty. Why? Then again, perhaps it is a shrewd move: if someone else wanted the last piece, now they can't blame you for taking it, as long as there's a little bit left. Perhaps this isn't cowardice but keen social calculation. Hmm...

Today, finally, I have some time to do some unpacking and organizing. And of course, in the process of doing that, I am discovering all the missing things that I'd been searching for fruitlessly.

I used to get deeply frustrated at not being able to find things. Some would say, "Isaac, you're room is a mess, of course you can't find things." But often I would know exactly where I had put something, or one of the 4 locations it might be, and find it quite easily. It was when I didn't put it in an obvious spot, that it really frustrated me. Or when someone else moved it, likely in an attempt to try and help me live in less squalor. To want something, know you have it, and spend an hour looking for it unsuccessfully is to know impotent rage. I used to say I had a very unusual and difficult skill: I could hide things from myself really well. This is harder than it looks: one has to, without consciously realizing it, find a place so unlikely for something to be that no sane person would think to look there, then place that something there, then forget where you placed it, within 5-10 seconds. If you tired to do this intentionally, it would be close to impossible. I thought of it as my (useless) superpower.

I have since set up a pristine system, where like is all stored with like, and it is a matter of mere minutes to get any little item I might need, or know quickly if I am running low on it, or simply do not have it. It is the opposite feeling, to want something and know exactly where it is. I feel like a calm and effective machine, like an arrow speeding towards my destination. Things don't get misplaced because there is always a place for everything.

The move unexpectedly gave me another experience of order that opened up new possibilities to me: before I had unpacked anything, I set up my desk, and it was empty and facing a window. It was beautiful. The clean emptiness was so lovely and inviting, I realized what I'd been missing all these years, with my functional but cluttered desk.

I think I've mentioned this before, but having an extra, empty room to play with affords me a great luxury in experimentation: I can stash all my unneeded and infrequently needed stuff, outside my work space, where it can't clutter the area I'm working in.

In addition, I can play a little game, where I store things against one wall, and then, if I end up using them, move them somewhere else. This can help me find out what I actually use and what I do not. Though I've already done the konmari method with my stuff so there's never a huge amount I'm getting rid of at this point, when I go through my stuff.

In any case, I'm super happy to have a three day weekend, to catch up on stuff. And I've decided I want a very simple, pared down working space. I'd... theorized about this, before. As I daydreamed about my ideal office/workspace it was always a very minimalist room, with a large, nearby room for storage. I can confirm now that I do really like having that. It's not operational yet, but it's part of my plans.

Work continues apace. There is the work I'm paid for, the volunteer work, the work of moving into a new place, getting unpacked, organized, the work of learning the ropes of a new job, and the work of day to day living, keeping the chaos at bay. And making sure I recharge, and put attention and energy into my relationship. It's a lot, but I'm doing better than last week, especially with the extra day. I'm still working on finding the proper balance, and it still seems to me that involves getting really good at focusing on truly important tasks and ignoring those that are not, so I can also be resting and having enough leisure that I'm not exhausted and dour. 

So far I've rebalanced my the work/rest ratio so I'm not tired and irritable, but that puts me back to getting very little done, outside of my work hours. Still figuring out how to effectively do the second half, focusing mainly on the high priority tasks and not getting sidetracked by unimportant stuff. I think I'm improving at it, from having my attention on it, but it still needs more work.

OK, that's all for this week, on to the next thing.

-I out

Plan. Simplify. Rest Smart.

 OK, with this post I believe I'm finally going to be up to date and current with my blog. I'm feeling better after getting to sleep in a bit and play a bit and set up my shrine room. Being super exhausted makes everything else more difficult because it's like you have blinders on, you're in tunnel vision, and even if you know you should be thinking more holistically or not stressing out about X or Y thing that happened, you don't have the mental agility to do so. It's a negative downward spiral, bad decisions leading to further bad decisions, and the overwork leading to working inefficiently which leads to more overwork.

The only solution I can think of is drastic simplification. I need to be very aware of what the bottom line most necessary things are, and eliminate all the rest from my to do lists, for now. And probably also move them out of the way, physically, if possible so they are not constantly reminding me that they need to get done. I guess I'll try that and see if it helps at all, allows me a bit more time to rest. With that, I probably also need to block out recharge time in my life, so I don't let work creep into my whole day.

And finally, I need to make sure my recharge time is actually recharging me. Not all R&R is created equal. I need to figure out what it means for something to be high quality rest. What does that actually mean? I don't have the answers, but I guess I need to figure it out somehow. I'll do what I always do: research to find the best information I can, (in a time limited way) and then start testing the suggestions to see what actually works.

Not much more to report now. We'll see how the coming week goes.

tired and frustrated: moving in during a pandemic while working 10 hour days

 Still a week behind on the blogs. Still way to much on my plate. It will probably quiet down eventually.

I officially hate Lowes. We ordered a washer/dryer combo from them for delivery, and they missed  the delivery day, without even telling us, when we called about it they said they had rescheduled it. They missed that date without telling us... I may be getting the order of things mixed up a bit, but they then told us they didn't have the item any more (though when we ordered online it said they did.) and it had been transferred to another Lowe's store. Trying to call them we were put on hold for long periods of time, then disconnected, disconnected immediately, put on hold without getting to talk to any actual person, at least once the phone didn't even pick up, they may have just left it off the hook or something. We called again, second or third time missing delivery, and they said they didn't have the washer but they did have the dryer, which they would deliver that day. They did not. They said they'd deliver it the next day, they did not. Then they said it would be delivered two or three weeks later. I try to be a generally peaceful and forgiving person, but the incompetence of this chain is beyond my current, exhausted ability to let slide. I will not give them my money or business unless there is no other reasonable choice. Perhaps they are fine if you are just going into the store and buying something, I don't know. But anything involving their online store, delivery, or phone customer service is really poorly organized and I would strongly recommend you avoid it at all costs. We're currently trying Home Depot, which sounds like it has better organization and reliability. For that kind of stuff.

There have been a bunch of things like this, in this process of moving in. I suppose I have to allow somewhat for the craziness of being in a pandemic. But much of it is unrelated and unaffected by that. People are simply continually giving us false information and not fulfilling their word. It bothers me more than it perhaps should due to being profoundly exhausted. People tell me to take a break, but I don't want to take a break until I have some semblance of order in my house. Right now, everything takes ten times as long as it should because I don't know where things are. I just wanted to assemble a table, something which should have taken 4 minutes, and it was more like an hour, as I searched fruitlessly in several locations for the legs, then the little leg fastening devices, then the hex wrench, before finally finding them or remembering to ask Suzannah where they might be or using something else. It's demoralizing to want to do something important and simple and have it take an hour instead of 5 minutes. 

So I'm trying to get things set up to the point where it's more efficient. But every day I go to work for 10 hours doing emotionally demanding stuff and come home tired, and then have to do more work, trying to get it to a decent level of order, and that is also making me exhausted. If I don't do anything, I'm exhausted by trying to accomplish the smallest quality of life improvements. If I do something, I accomplish little and am also exhausted. And then dealing with the frustrations is additionally exhausting.

But what other option do I have? just throw everything in a pile on the floor and roll in it like a pig in it's filth? Disregard all my responsibilities, and just chillax, going counter to my values?

I'm trying to figure out some way I can meet my responsibilities and be working towards having a functional living situation and be taking enough time off to not run down and burn out, but figuring that out itself takes a good deal of time and energy, which just adds to the problem in the short run.

For now I just have to accept the fact that I'm exhausted and not very functional and kind of grouchy because of it, while I slowly work my way out of it.

Moving is not always this challenging, but because I had to be living out of my suitcase for two months, I had to break apart my nice system into ugly non-intuitive pieces, so I could bring what I thought would be necessary with me (along with all the heat-susceptible stuff I had to pack in the car rather than the moving pod.)

So, this week is exhausted, run down, and frustrated. I know I normally try and put a positive spin on things so the post isn't a downer, but I'm too exhausted run down and frustrated to do so. The best I can do is say I'll get through it like I always do the hard spots. I'm not dying or anything, it will all be fine. Don't tell me to take a break or take it easier because I don't see a viable way to do so more than I'm already attempting. And don't ask me to reassure you that I'm alright because that's just more work right now. I'm ok, I'll try and figure out if there's a way to get more rest, as soon as I get a chance to sit down and think about it. It's high on my priorities list, but there are a few more pressing things that need to happen first.

aaaand I'm late for my next thing.