Fast, Passover, End of Semester

 Fastest blog ever, before Passover Seder starts: One week till end of semester (then a week of residency). In the final sprint! It's all focused on finishing out strong and getting it all done in time and getting ready for the travel to get to residency. Residency starts Monday, so I need to fly out Sunday. All the papers are due Sunday, so I need to finish them Saturday.

Next time I check in, I should be feeling pretty good, even if I haven't finished residency. Very much looking forward to an actual break. Woo!

Bye for now,

-Isaac

79 degrees, Outside/Inside, Papers in the wind.

New experimental format:

What is going on externally:

The weather is 79 degrees. I've got the window in my office open and it is tropical. Full spring has arrived. It's April 13th, so that is not normal I think. Climate change. The breeze feels wonderful and is knocking over and blowing around all my papers. Worth it.

The redbuds have finally started to bloom. The Japanese Maple is leafing out. The other maples are already loaded with helicopter seeds. I misspoke apparently, and what I thought were crocuses are in fact hyacinths. They have mostly dried up now. The daffodils are still going strong, despite being filled with little beetles. The... I can never remember the name, I just call them deer food, because the deer decimate them every year...hostas. The hostas are pushing up, even through a thick layer of mulch. I really love doing my sit spot every day. In addition to it being a chance for natural beauty and gratitude, I get to se the minute changes of the seasons and the plants. It's like a secret world, that's always been there that I just never got to see. Now I get to see every step from sprouting new leaves to full bloom to withering of flowers and ripening of seed pods.

Anyhoo, got off track. I wen to bed at 3am last night. I tried napping around 3 this afternoon, but only managed to stay in bed for maybe a half hour, without actually sleeping. Hopefully I'll go to bed earlier tonight. This is why I don't like watching anime and reading manga anymore: when I find something really good (I guess that could include books as well) I find it really hard to put then down. If only I could channel that intensity of focus and effort into some creative endeavor that lead to me making a living, I'd be set for life jobwise and ecstatic about it.

I have not gotten my 3 hours of papers in today, and I'm not going to. I did get at least one hour, and maybe I'll get a second. I am quietly terrified about this lack of progress. 

I've tried making guacamole from a recipe and it was really good. I tried steaming vegetables from a recipe and it was really convenient and passably good, and not overcooked. Somehow I am leveling up my cooking skills. Is it procrastination, or just making sure I'm not eating frozen meals. But I probably should be eating frozen meals, until I've finished my papers.

I did wash a bunch of dishes (which is extra difficult right now, as I somehow injured my lower back, so it hurts to stand for any length of time and especially to lean over). I'm now sitting kind of slumped in my chair, to try and keep it it from hurting and give the muscles as much of a rest as I can without just lying in bed all day, which is probably what would be best for it.

I scraped my hand on the murderously sharp kitchen knobs in my house. Knobs should be round, not pointy and sharp. Who chooses a pointy and sharp handle? Form over function. And safety.

What is going on internally:

Doing surprisingly well. Maybe it's the warm breeze and birdsong. Right now is some of the best weather we're going to get here, because it's been cool before now, so we likely only have a day or two before the bugs start swarming and making being outside less pleasant. Maybe it's because I am being productive today. I feel like my self-satisfaction is directly linked with how I feel I've been using my time. Time is such a precious resource. Especially with how slow I seem to work. Using it poorly tends to leave me with deep remorse, but I'm working on just accepting it and moving on, getting back on track, rather than self-flagellating. It's definitely a more productive approach than beating myself up.

I've been reading a bit about ADHD, and neurodiversity, for school, and though I don't think I have ADHD, I am wondering a bit if I have some kind of neurodiversity that would account for some of my challenges with time, despite my best (and longest) efforts.

Speaking of which, the timer I have going is telling me I need to end this post and get on to the next thing.

So, until next time: be well, be kind.

-Isaac

Simplification, focus, rest and activity. The satisfaction of having spent my time well.

It's been a few weeks since I've checked in. I'm in the midst of crunch time for this semester. I had some great luck, with one teacher condensing two papers into one, and then another two into the final presentation. And then another teacher moved a paper back a week. The net result is that, instead of 2 papers due the 14th, then 4 big papers due April 21st, with another two small ones due the 28th, it's now one small one due the 14th (already done) another two  big ones due the 21st (which I've started working on) and another big one and two small ones, due the 28th, one of which I've already completed most of. I've stopped working on it for now, as I need to focus on the two big one's coming up in 10 or so days.

If I spend 3 hours on them every day, it should be all right. But I haven't been, and so I've been getting worried. However, today I clocked in a full 3 hours, and I'm hoping I can keep up that pace. It doesn't seem like too much, but there are a lot of other things that need to happen every day as well, so actually being able to block out 3 hours of focused work consistently can be difficult.

Today felt good though. I didn't get everything done, but I got many things done, and I don't think I could have easily gotten more done. I used my time well, and that matters more to me than checking off everything on my daily list. I just need to check off all the important things, which I did.

What feels the best though, is getting the papers done without too much stress. I may be counting my chickens before they're hatched, but I think I've planned enough in advance and started working hard enough in advance, that I'm not going to be feeling awful during the last few days, cramming all the paper writing in last minute, pulling 12 hour days. 

The kind of focus necessary for creative academic writing, I can only do for about 3 hours before I start slowing down. I can do simple stuff, editing, formatting, gathering resources, reading scientific articles, for considerably longer than that, and I can even write for longer than that, but it starts becoming much less efficient, and I start feeling worse. I feel like when I can write earlier in the day, while my brain is fresh, I'm getting around twice the amount of writing done, per hour of time put in. Even later on in the day, as long as I haven't exhausted myself mentally. And it's higher quality work. By splitting it up among several days like this, and taking regular, quick breaks, I end up not burned out at the end, and I can then keep working on things, as long as I switch up what I'm working on.

There's plenty of other stuff to do, like cleaning, cooking, read assignments, life admin stuff, so I can keep working right up to when it's time to go to bed.

One of the most challenging elements is keeping my life simple. There are a lot of things I really want to do, but have to say no to, at least for now. But by keeping my focus on just a few things, I'm keeping myself from getting overwhelmed and burned out, which is what happened last semester.

Hopefully it keeps working through the next three weeks, and then I can take care of some of those things I have to say no to for now.

And in general, this practice of simplifying, of saying no to most of the things so I can do a good job with a few and not get burnt out, is a great teaching for me. I think one of the reasons I've always been overwhelmed and not had enough time in the past, was trying to do to many things at once. The crazy workload has been giving me practice on how to focus down and figure out what level of work is sustainable. One of the keys of that is keeping track of just how much I have to do, and when. That's given me the motivation to say no to all the things I really want to do, but don't have time for. And doing that has given me my life back. Even though it's still a lot of work, it's not miserable. It's manageable. I'm doing well. And that's great! 

With love and warmth,

-Isaac

Crocuses, Bedtime, Toiletpapers.

 Lo and behold, I am two days ahead of my papers. Maybe a little bit more actually, since I also did the one due next week. This is cause for celebration, but not rest. Remember, I've got 4 papers due April 21st, 2 papers due the 14th, and two papers due the 28th. And I'm flying out to Ohio on the 28th for a week of all-day classes, so I can't push the papers past that date, there won't be time the next week. So, I've got a week and a half to make enough of a dent in that, ahead of time, that it's sane. That is still a daunting task requiring a lot of work every day. 

Did I mention I'm planning on taking less classes next semester? Assuming it doesn't mess up the timeline to much. Currently in conversation with academic advisor-type people about those specifics.

I think I already mentioned this, but it's good practice, learning to really focus and keep up a rigorous workload, not slack off. I hope I can then apply that work ethic to projects that actually matter to me, once the school work lessens. Not that I dislike what I'm learning, but man, paper-writing is a horribly inefficient way to learn any of this stuff. It's basically toilet paper getting thrown down a drain in terms of its use to anybody, particularly the carefully formatted, rubric directed, citation laden academic nonsense. Maybe a simple reflection, no special formatting, not worrying about grammar or citations, might be worth the time it takes to write it. Or a review of research and thinking, on something that actually matters to me. Who knows, maybe it will somehow come in handy one day. The actual pursuing of scientific articles is actually pretty interesting, when I care about the subject matter.

On the plus side, I'm getting better at writing papers and doing projects faster, with less perfectionism, and thus less time waste.

In more interesting news (to both of us) I love my morning sit-spots. Right now, I'm getting to see the buds emerging, day by day, and the air smelled fresh and like spring this morning. I smelled the crocuses, which smell as good as they look, with their deep vibrant blue to purple. I looked at three daffodil buds in various stages of unfurling, I looked at the Japanese maple leaves starting to emerge, and the redbuds waiting for a warmer day, partially out but halted in their growth by the cold snap. And all the birds flying around and singing in the morning light. It was beautiful, each day is a little different, and it fills me with profound gratitude most mornings, getting to witness the beauty.

My latest self improvement project is going to bed on time. I failed at this in the past, and it made me really upset with myself. But this time, I've got a different approach. I'll just keep working at it, and not get discouraged by it not working, knowing that eventually, I'll get the hang of it, and figure out how to overcome the things keeping it from happening, if I just keep working at it, reflecting and learning from my failures. That's a different approach to beating myself up and getting dispirited every time I failed, and I think it will work. Eventually. Maybe even quickly.

Not really pushing it these next few weeks though, just focusing on getting all my work done. That's enough of a challenge without adding a huge habit/behavior change.

I'm really looking forward to actually doing counseling work. Hopefully this passion of mine for behavior change and self-improvement will get to be channeled towards helping other people.

Love and all good to you, dear friends and family,

-I Out

Momentum vs. Slowing down, Cycles vs. Consistancy, Optimism.

 OK.

I've asked and gotten an extension on one of the papers, I'm almost finished with the second. IF I continue at my current intense but sustainable pace of a paper every 5 days or so, I should be able to start chipping away at the 4 papers due on April 21st, so that when it gets to that time, I'm only doing maybe 2 papers that week.

I've heard a professor comment on how students (and teachers) tend to spin up during the semester, eventually getting at least somewhat comfortable with the pace of work. The key is having a somewhat steady pace of work. Humans can adapt to quite a lot, but if things keep changing, then they need to keep adapting. Like creating a habit, the hard part is the initial behavior change and the maintenance until it becomes semi-automatic as a habit. I think the same can be said for intensity of work habits. The problem comes when we take a break and then lose all that momentum, and then have to re-establish it. Change is hard.

That's not saying I want to get rid of breaks. There is a certain in-breath out-breath cycle of activity and rest that our bodys are designed for, and trying to stay at one level constantly is like trying to sit for too long without moving: it's unnatural and our bodies protest and start to get sick.

But there is a part of me that wants to keep some degree of motion and momentum through the breaks. I think this might be related to the truism that if you want something to get done, give it to someone who's doing a lot.

I've heard the idea of momentum given as an analogy in this context. You want to maintain and increase your psychological momentum for accomplishing things. For pushing outside of your comfort zone. For focused work.

At the same time, I'm reading a book talking about slowing down a bit, being more picky about what you decide to work on so you're not taking on too much, and can do what you are working on well. And I'm very strongly considering going down to 2 classes a semester rather than my current 3, because it just feels too full and rushed.

I'm uncertain however. If I can manage 3, by working efficiently, then it might be good to stick with it until that habit of focused work gets ingrained. It is a good excuse not to do time wasting activities, or at least, not too much of them. But I think 3 classes is a bit beyond what is useful. Not all of the time, but when things build up. 

I have a lot of non-school related things that could easily keep me busy, which I'm not getting to, because I've got to focus so much on school work. I think it would be good to get those life things taken care of, before kids come around. So that would mean taking the degree a bit slower.

Haven't fully pulled the trigger on that yet, but very strongly considering it.

In the meantime, this semester has started its most intense period, which continues through the first week of May. Then I get a few weeks break.

A bunch of house stuff has gotten done. We've listed our old house on Airbnb and Vrbo, we've got the tree's trimmed so hopefully no new roof damage, we've gotten the shed roof replaced and the giant tree branch cut up and hauled off. Any day now all the blood work and other such tests will be back and I can do a really in-depth look at my health with my doctor, perhaps for the first time ever. That's been a project I've been meaning to get to for probably a decade or more. Lots of stuff is happening. Even with the high course load. So that all feels pretty good. Which is a nice contrast from a week ago when I was feeling pretty down. Maybe it's the fact that I'm about to finish my final paper due this weekend and have a bit of time to start on the next one and get start getting ahead in preparation for April. Whatever the case, things are feeling/looking up.

With love,

- I Out

Four hands and a burning car speeding down the highway.

Quick post I think. 3 papers due this weekend (hopefully only two if I can get one of them moved to next week). Thus the shortness of this.

The end of this semester, April 21st, I have four papers/projects due. Given that I can do about 1.5 large papers per week, if working at max capacity, I need to begin working on this now, since I have papers due each weekend going forward, except next weekend. Except I will have one due next weekend, if my professor is kind.

I've been burning out. I've come to the conclusion that I need to reduce my course workload. I'm not the first one to come to this conclusion, but I'm the one that has to pull the trigger, so now it's going to happen. Though I'm not wasting the last 9 weeks of work by quitting in the middle, so it's gonna start either during the summer semester, or this coming fall. I'm looking forward to it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about how to excuse myself from any responsibilities I can reasonably excuse myself from, such as some of the volunteer work I do. It makes me sad to do so, but future Isaac will be thanking me, I suspect.

My birthday is coming up. I think that makes 38? I feel like I'm getting kinda old to have kids. Seems like a young body is better suited to keeping up with them, but I guess the biblical Isaac was born to a much older father, so there's precedent. I notice the difference though. The declining energy, how it takes longer to heal injuries. In a sense I've been preparing for the aging process my whole life, as I've felt like a crotchety old man since I was like 7 years old. On the other hand, there is definitely some regret that it's taken me so long to get myself together enough to really enjoy life. On the third hand, at least I've kind of got it together now, that's not something guaranteed in life, it is a blessing at any age.

On the fourth hand, if I keep up this crazy young persons graduate school schedule, I'm still not getting to enjoy it. Thus realizing I need to chill out. I don't like that it will take longer to finally be working with people, but from the "you might croak in your sleep tomorrow" perspective, it really makes more sense to take it at a pace that I can enjoy. I had a dream last night that kind of drove home the point. I'm lucky enough to have the option to take longer with my degree, so it's kind of masochistic to keep going as hard as I can, just because it means I'll reach my goals sooner. My ultimate goal is not one I can reach faster by rushing, and in fact doing so could easily make it take longer. As my teacher says: start early, drive slowly, arrive safely.

OK, that's all for this week, back to work.

Leap-Year-Day

Suzannah and I created a fun little tradition, last leap year: we celebrated, ate good food, spent some quality time together, and wrote notes to our future selves, to be opened next leap year. It was really cool, hearing about where I was, 4 years ago. I wasn't even married yet! Some of my predictions for what life would be like now came true, or are in process. Some didn't at all. But 4 years is enough time for things to have changed quite a lot. I moved to Texas and then moved back, in that amount of time. I switched career paths.

And what about the next 4 years? If things go according to plan, I'll be working as a counselor by then, and have at least one kid. Maybe two! So much could happen, but the future is uncertain. What will be going on with AI? With climate change? Will I finally be doing work I love? How will I be handling being a father? Will things work out or will there be surprising twists and turns?

A lot of people I know are having a really rough time these days, and my heart goes out to them. Just as easily, it could be me. I think we all take turns, going through the rough patches. What I want to do now, when it's a relatively smooth patch, is work on myself and my systems, so that I have strength and good habits of thought and action, when the rough patches hit. Also, to support those in my life, who are going through those rough patches. I feel like that happens with Suzannah; we take turns having challenging times, so the other person can support the one going through the roughness. Perhaps it works like that in our close social networks as well.

Leap year day. It's special, having this one day that only comes every four years. An excuse to step outside the ordinary and reflect over a larger time period. Looking even further back, I feel so much gratitude for how far I've come, how much better I'm doing than many years ago. And yet, now I'm begining to feel the other side of things: I'm already almost 40, and it seems a shame, that it's taken me this long to get my life together. How many of those years in my physical prime, were wasted on me being unhappy? Youth should be for the old and the very young, or just in general, for people who know how to appreciate life.

But in any case, I can at least appreciate and savor life now. I feel deep gratitude for the setting yellow sunlight playing accross my office and shrine, for still sleeping tree's moving in the wind, for the birdsong in the morning, and for this moment of peace and beauty I get to share with you right now.

Be well, take care of each other, enjoy beauty and love where you can find it,

-Isaac

More than one sentence part 3

What does the previous blog post say about me? How about the fact that it was really hard not to add that first sentence on to it?

I'm writing a lot of papers, and reading a lot of textbooks, and I'm noticing this tendency I have, to try and do a really good, careful job, when I have the time to do so. I think this is a wonderful, caring tendency, except when I actually don't have the time to do it. Which is the case these days. However, it seems like I do have the time, in the same way that it seems like you have a lot of money when you've got a credit card with a high limit.

To explain that analogy: I have a lot of papers due, two weeks from now. That seems a long way away, and so it seems like I have plenty of time to work on my current paper, relax, get some housework done, have fun with Suzannah.

However, if I don't start working on those papers now, it's going to be deeply unpleasant trying to get them all done the week they are due. I think I need a visual chart, that maps out all the things I need to do in a day, and how long they actually take, so I can look at how much time I actually have. Once I see that, I can go, "uh-oh, I really don't have that much time to do all this work, I need to get started immediately and not mess around.." But without that clarity, there isn't a visceral urgency getting me working at the rate I need.

Even just putting all the papers and assignments that are due over the next semester, into my calendar, is very helpful for that. But I still find myself dragging and sidetracking, which I wouldn't do if it was all due next week.

In any case, I think I mentioned this earlier, but just taking moments to pause, in the middle of whatever I'm doing, and connect to silence, offer up whatever work I'm doing as a kind of mindful spiritual practice to the Higher Consciousness... It really helps me take a breather, and not get lost down rabbit holes, getting overy precous or perfectionistic about things that really don't deserve it. So, I'm doing that. I've got a little app on my phone that plays a pretty bell sound every 15 minutes, and then a note on my desk, reminding me to actually use those dings, to take a brief pause. It's quite nice.

OK, three down, one to go!

More than one sentence part 2

As I was writing the title to my previous blog post, I immediately realized the next post had to be a single sentence.

More than one sentence part 1

 I have been very neglectful of my poor blog. There there blog, you're a good boy, I love you even if I don't see you that much. Thank you for being a faithful friend.

I'm three weeks behind because I thought I was two weeks behind, and actually was three weeks behind the last time. Just like I was the time before that. Apologies to all you (three) readers, for the sporadic schedule. I've been working hard on a lot of things, doing a lot of new things, and it sometimes seems like there is a limited number of little habits I can do at once, before some of them start to get pushed out of consciousness.

So, let's do three really quick blog posts. Actually, let's do 4, since the weekend is tomorrow.

OK, this counts as one. I vaguely recall setting the rule for myself that a blog post could be as short as one sentence, so this is clearly over that minimum limit. That's a good way to maintain a habit streak, but you have to actually follow your rule and allow yourself to do that small amount. I often can't seem to stop myself at that one sentence. A common tendency I have. Maybe I'll talk about it in one of these blog posts.

Timeboxes, Peer-pressure, People pleasing, Snap!

 OK, I've got 3 minutes for this post.

Why? Timeboxing. What's timeboxing? You know how, if you have a week, your essay will take a week, but if you only have two hours, your essay only takes 2 hours? That's timeboxing. Set an artificial deadline for things, so that you work more efficiently. In actuality, if you only have 2 hours for your essay, it will probably still take 4 hours, and you'll have to pull a late night, but it's still significantly less than the week of work you'd put in if you gave yourself that much time.

There is my 3 minutes. 

Giving myself 5 more.

Jumping around a bit: the weather is nice now. It's sunny and "warm" which means gets up to 40 during the day here. Apparently the deep freeze didn't kill the bugs because the ground was covered in snow which insulated it, so now a bunch of bugs are hatching.

I mentioned a health emergency in the last post, but I don't want to go into great detail about that in a semi-public forum, since it's not my private info to give. The emergency was not huge, and was resolved. But there are some ongoing issues that are continuing to take time and energy. I think I have to leave it at that.

One more thing that takes time.

So back to that: I got kind of fed up with being constantly behind and felt like I 'snapped.' Not that I'm crazy now, just that I feel kind of done with always rushing and being behind, and am ready to take more drastic measures.

I think this is a little tied into my addictions class homework. The assignment is to give up a substance (I chose sugar) for 6 weeks. What I noticed was that, as long as it was out of sight, that wasn't a big deal for me. However, what made it really difficult, was the social pressure. This is not "hey man, wanna smoke?" kind of overt social pressure, my friends don't do that. It's more the very subtle, or situational pressure. you're over at a guests house, and they've made some beautiful homemade sweets. They're on the table, everyone else is eating and enjoying them. That's social pressure (plus visual cues.)

I guess I realized I needed to be ok, going against that social pressure. I think Suzannah would laugh if she read this, but I am in some ways, at some times, a people pleaser. I want people to be happy. I don't want to leave the party early to go to bed, because I think that will make other people leave, and I'll be the one to break up the party.

So, it's kind of me, being ok subtly disappointing people. I don't like it, but I don't see another way to my goal. To this end (having more time, getting more done more efficiently) I've been trying a number of things: tracking my time obsessively for a day, to see where there is wasted time I can cut out. trying to move faster (without moving so fast I hurt myself or break something) so I can get manual tasks done faster. Timeboxing my work. Prioritizing my tasks. Getting up earlier. Timeboxing. conceivably, I may try scheduling out my week in full, to see just how many actual work hours I have available, so I can stop overscheduling myself. This is important because what the time-tracking showed me was, when I was hustling, there was only about an hour of time I could reclaim easily. The rest of it was well allocated. That means, to get more done,... well, I couldn't, basically. Not without, I don't know, being constantly sleep deprived or something.

Therefore, I needed to prioritize what I did better. That would be the purpose of scheduling out my week: I'd have a realistic vision of how many hours I had to give, which I could then allot to things. There wouldn't be enough hours for everything. That would then force me to confront that fact, and make some hard decisions about what I chose to actually do.

I did this in a more simple way, with my papers. I've got some weeks coming up where I've got three or four big papers due on the same week. That's impossible, so instead I've got to do some of them now, when I've only got one paper per week due.

In addition to all of that, I've got numerous other approaches I'm using. Just one more I'll mention, is the balance for this hard work. I acknowledge that if I'm going to go hard, I need to rest deeply. That's important for my happiness, and for my sustainability, and for my efficiency. one mnemonic I'm using for this, physically, is the idea of a leopard. The way, like a house cat, they are so relaxed and loose, but can spring into action like coiled steel. That mixture of loose/relaxed and strong, is what I'm thinking about.

Alright, as I think I said, in the true tradition of timeboxing, though I set myself a half hour, it ended up taking 50 minutes, but it didn't take an 80 minutes. Perhaps I'll get better at timeboxing as well, and get closer to the actual time I set for myself. Or perhaps I'll just get better at estimating how long something will take me.

Love and light,

-I Out

Hole in the Shed. Time mania. Trip to Des Moines.

 Hello.

We are two weeks behind.

Why?

Well, to be honest, it's been kind of a blur, so I don't know exactly how or why I've been so busy. There was frozen pipes, a tree fell on our shed, I drove up to Des Moines and back to listen to a presentation for my social cultural diversity class that was actually pretty awesome (we'll see if I get time to describe it).

The snow melted and it got warm, I discovered the tree only mostly missed the shed, I cleaned up the dirt and water that got into the rather large hole that a rather large branch has punched through the roof, Suzannah and I spent most of a day trying to figure out how to keep a tarp on the roof during an intensely windy day. We had a health emergency with a relative. And amidst that all, I've been trying to keep up with classwork. And more recently I've gotten fed up with always being behind and have been going a bit crazy trying to figure out how to be more efficient and balanced with my time and responsibilities. Getting done everything that needs to be done, for school, for life admin, for the house, for the relationship.

So it's been pretty busy.

As is, I still have a lot to do, so I've set a 30 minute timer (one of the things I'm trying to do to give myself more time: timeboxing. Perhaps I'll talk about that a bit) for these two blog posts so I don't spend too much time on them.

Alright, that's why this is two and a half weeks late. Let's talk about some of the details I mentioned.

The tree hit the shed:

Yup, when I was finally able to get up to the shed, I saw a branch had punched clean through the roof. Looking more closely and further, there were several dents and a few smaller holes as well. Thankfully it hadn't rained, and not too much of the snowmelt. had gotten in, and where it had dripped wasn't anything important. Looks like it's going to be fine, and more recently Suzannah put in the insurance claim and so we're going to get reimbursed for it, we just have to get someone to actually come out and do the work. Which is hard in general in Fairfield (our gutters people took...5 months? to come out? And then did a poor job, because it was still leaking, and then said they were charging us more to fix the leak, and then never showed up (despite weekly calls) to fix it. I'm contemplating leaving a scathing review about them, but a) it's a small town and b) I seem to always decide it was a bad idea to leave scathing reviews, after I do it, as of late. On the other hand, people should be warned, if someone is unreliable. I wish we had known. Maybe a neutral but accurate review, which is damming enough. On the third hand, ain't nobody got time for that.

Let's see, what else did I mention. Ah, the Des Moines trip. For my social cultural diversity class, we each have to choose a marginalized group to learn more about and do some advocacy action related to. I chose Blacks in Iowa. I grew up and lived in a fairly monocultural background, and don't have a lot of experience with that culture. And I suspect they are underserved in Iowa, as there are very few on them. I could imagine feeling pretty isolated being from that culture, or even just having that skin color, in Iowa.

In any case, I was supposed to do some cultural immersion activities for part of the assignment, and found out the African American Museaum of Iowa was hosting a presentation on the Black Panther's of Des Moines, and doing it in Des Moines. I thought that was cool and would hopefully give me an opportunity to meet some people from that community. Well, the presenter was nice, but white, as were most of the people there. The info was interesting and useful, but then what was really cool was that one of the actual original members of that group (the Black Panthers of Des Moines) was in the audience, and filled in some of the missing or incorrect information from the presentation, as well as told some pretty great first hand stories. They seemed really nice and grounded, and it was pretty awesome to get some history from someone who was a part of that history. 

By the way, I know one of the few things I thought I knew about the Black Panthers was they they were more agressive than MLK's approach. I think that is kind of inaccurate and reductionist, from what I now know. They were advocating for using violence only in self-defense, when they were being subjected to police brutality. And it does seem like there was some gnarly, unfair violence going on against them.

I'm not saying I agree with their specific approach, I definitely fall more on the Gandhi non-violence side of things, but I do think people have a right to defend themselves when being attacked. And I think most people's perceptions about them come from very limited information filtered through a negative media spin. I'm always a fan of truth, even when it's more nuanced and harder to fit into a media sound bite, so just FYI.

Anyhoo, I'm just about at the end of my 30 minutes, which was supposed to be for both posts, so I'm going to end this one now and post the next.

Realizations. Important math. The wisdom of sleep deprivation.

 OK, finally I'm caught up with this post.

Yesterday, in my sleep deprived state, I had couple important thoughts. First: I'm much happier and more effective when I've had a reasonable amount of sleep.

Though another important thing that I'd learned earlier also helped me: even if I haven't had a reasonable amount of sleep, I can still function and get done the basic necessities of life. This is important as I was raised with an odd kind of guilt around going to bed late and not getting enough sleep, so that there was a meta-emotional level of fear and dread around not having gotten enough sleep. Like it meant I'd just sinned and God was going to thunderbolt my evil non-sleeping ways. And I was going to end up making some horrible mistake because of my tiredness.

The truth is, it's bad, but livable, and worrying about it just makes the day worse. Though being cautious is still a good thing. Like, don't operate heavy machinery, or drive when you're really sleep deprived, it is dangerous.

But don't put yourself through a guilt trip either. Most people never even think to guilt trip themselves for not going to bed early, that's kinda specific to my oddball upbringing, but it just means they've got other things they guilt trip themselves for. Maybe it's a thing related to Christian traditions? I don't know.

Anyways, realizations I had:

# 2: I can't wait for things to be perfect to live my life the way I want to or do the things I think are important. Life is just going to keep happening. Maybe I will get another period in my life where I've got a lot of free time, but I can't wait for that time to come. I need to be prioritizing things well, and eliminating the unimportant things, starting now.

I've got, like, a completionist tendancy. If I've got 10 things on my todo list, I want to get all 10 of them done, even if 5 of them are really not that important. It's like I've grabbed onto something, and I can't get myself to let go, even when I should. It's that story/metaphor of the monkeys with their hands in the big jars of peanuts, unable to get their big, nut-filled fists out now because the openings of the jars are too small. Indian monkey traps. The people who set the traps can just pick up and relocate the defeated monkeys, who think that something has grabbed them inside the jar, which is too big and heavy for them to move.

If those monkeys just let go of their fistful of peanuts, they could easily escape, but they just don't think to let go. They don't realize that's what's got them trapped.

I relate to those monkeys in a big way. All these things that I want to do. Good things, worthwhile things, things that will add something valuable to my life.

But in the final analysis, things that I don't really need, and are not really important to me. And because I have limited time, they are things that I cannot do, without crowding out more important things, which I then don't get to at all.

I think to an extent I've got a list of things that I think are really important, that I've been waiting to do for the 'right time.' I've got a list of less important things, that I want to do so they are out of the way, out of my mental space, so I feel free to spend a really good amount of time on these bigger, more important things.

Also, these more important things are bigger, longer, and so I won't see results on them for a while. Vs. many of these less important things, I can do relatively quickly, and be done with them. I get the satisfaction of completing something. Unfortunately, I have to ask myself if it was really worth doing those things at all. And this is a much trickier question to answer than it at first appears, because they are worthwhile things to do, when considered on their own. It is only when you take into account what you are NOT doing, BECAUSE you are doing these things, that the true cost of doing them becomes apparent.

Let's take a concrete example. I'd like to read all of the assigned readings for my classes. Rather than just the textbook, and maybe skimming the rest, if that. Maybe I'll find some good stuff somewhere I wasn't expecting it, that I can use later. Also I would like to have my home clean and tidy. It doesn't have to be perfect, but generally orderly and clean.

Let's say I don't have time to do both. And maybe, ultimately, my life would be better if I kept things in a basic level of cleanliness, vs. my life being pretty much unchanged, if I read 200 pages of targeted readings, or the full 500 pages, per week. If I say, "I will do both" and start with the readings, I don't get to doing any cleaning. I have the low grade stress of living in a messy unclean environment, and the only benefit to doing all the readings is a sense of completion and being able to check all the readings off my todo list.

That feels good, in the moment, but I'm only getting that temporary pleasure of being a good student and crossing off my reading list, at the cost of a clean environment. that's like + 2 - 5. +2 for completion. -5 for unclean environment. If I don't take into account the cost of that +2, I think I've just made my life better. But it cost me -5, because I didn't spend my time doing that.

Hope that's clear enough.

Realization #3

This was less of an 'aha' and more of a 'that's it, I'm not doing this any more.' It may have been born of my surly, sleep deprived state of mind, and is related to realization #2. As I sat in my office, exhausted, facing a huge pile of things to do (and a messy office) I just had the thought, 'that's it, I'm tired of all this stuff.'

Tired of the huge list of stuff I'm trying to do, tired of all the little bits and bobs I hold onto and thus have to organize. Tired of the intricate organization systems I've tried to do, both physical and mental, to try and make my physical and mental space more pleasant to live in. It's not worth the time and energy it takes to upkeep it. I just wanted to throw out all the complexity, consolidate it into simple, fast systems, and not spend any more time fussing about it.

Of course, even that takes time. But, at least let it take less time. I wanted to stop any fussing about details, or trying to add new complexities, and just keep things simple and quick unless it was something that I actually cared about. Something actually worth the time.

It was like I was seeing the true cost of all the stuff I had, physical and mental. And, due to feeling low on psychological resources (because I was sleep deprived) it made me just want to let go of it all. Whether that meant actually getting rid of it, or just sticking it in a box out of the way.

I think keeping some of that mentality is a good thing, even when I've got more psychological resources, because it supports that same +2 - 5 math.

Final thought, since this is getting long, is me cautioning myself. Getting 'more efficient' or 'focusing on what's really important' can itself become unhealthy. Part of the spiritual teaching I like from my main spiritual teacher is that any act can and should be made into a spiritual act. In which case, what in particular you are doing is not the central issue. This contrasts with the 'figure out how much your hourly wage is, and if you can pay someone less to do it, then outsource it' philosophy of some modern productivity teachers. And I lean more towards the ancient wisdom side of things, when there are opposing viewpoints.

OK, that is all for now. I guess I will be curious to see how well I can implement these realizations into how I do things going forwards.

Frozen pipes and fallen trees.

 OK, this is post number two of my catch-up series. Week number one I didn't get to because school started and was hecktic. Week number two didn't happen because we had a winter blizzard, got like 18 inches of snow, my parents were in town so I was spending time with them, half of a massive tree fell from the weight of the snow, narrowly and thankfully missing our shed, and very thankfully missing our house. Tecnically it did kit our shed a little, some of the branches broke off as they hit the shed roof. good, wrist or arm sized branches, so I'm really hopping they didn't do serious damage to it. At least I hope it's not dripping melted snow in there. Hopefully there are no punctures, but there is no way to tell until it gets a bit warmer and we can chansaw up the tree and get to the shed door, which is currently behind a tree full of branches.

Then our pipes froze. Our house has some really weird, and I'd say dumb, design decisions. The kitchen sink pipes freeze when it gets really cold. And now the poorly placed water meter valve and water shutoff froze. It's a length of pipe that pops up in the unheated garage and then back down into the concrete. The previous owners said that it had never frozen previously, only the kitchen sink. However, we were worried, and so created a structure with insulation to cover the piping, with heat tape wrapped around it. Well, it got really cold, like negative 30's with wind chill, and it froze. It took days to get a plumber out to look at it, and when they did they saw that the pipes had burst, so they had to replace them, plus the water meter. They put on even more heat tape. A few days later, it dropped again to negative 20 or so, and it froze, again. We fiddled around and got a space heater blowing into the enclosed space, and now all the pipes seem to be melted, but it's STILL frozen, no water going into the house, so it must have frozen below ground or something. So we are out of water again, probably until it warms up for a few days.

It's frustrating, it's disheartening, and it was exhausting, as Suzannah woke me up at 4-somthing am in the morning, panicked that the pipes had frozen again and not sure what to do. That was yesterday. We had come back late-ish from a friends birthday party, so I was in a dour sleep deprived haze all day, but had so much to do that I couldn't nap or take it easy, I had to work all day. And of course, being so low on sleep, everything too 2-3 times as long, because I was trying to do it carefully. I doubt I retained much of what I read that day for classes, but I got the time sensitive stuff I needed to get done, done, and then got to sleep in today.

So, we are getting buckets of water from our kind neighbors (gratitude to them) to flush the toilets, and jugs of tap water to put at sinks so we can wash our hands, and taking showers at other places, though less often, because it's extra work and time to go over to someone else's house to shower, plus it's still in the negatives, so you don't want to go out unless you have to. All the normal day to day things of living are made more time consuming and harder, like washing dishes or making food or going to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, I've got my normal seriously heavy graduate school workload. Plus an event coming up next week for my volunteer activities that is a bunch more work.

I'm grateful that we still have heat, electricity, and internet (though the internet has been less reliable since the freeze, not sure what's going on with that.

And I suppose it's nice every so often, to have to make do without the modern amenities we are used to, to remind us how fortunate we are to have things like running water and non-burst pipes.

All this to say: this is why the last few posts have been late.

OK, on to the final post, the one that's actually due today.

uninspired. dissonant. undeterred.

 I've got 3 blogs to do, and I'm planning on doing them all in quick succession. Expect shorter posts, this blog will cover three weeks ago.

It's hard to remember that far back, I guess my last blog was before school started up again.

Bad news: the professor I signed up for, backed out of teaching my section. The teacher who I ended up with, I do not like. I think they are my least favorite professor thus far with the program, and I already had two professors I was feeling ambivalent about last semester. At least I had one professor I really liked. This semester I have one professor I actively dislike. Not that I dislike them as a person, they seem like a fine human being, it's just a mixture of subtle things that amounts to a nails on chalkboard dissonance being with them. Like the opposite of when you really resonate with someone, "vibe" with them. They feel a bit too intense, they present as a stickler for the rules, plus unforgiving, and they have a salesman like vibe to what they are saying, veering from the objective truth to make what they like seem better and what they don't like seem worse. Perhaps it is just me and some people would really resonate with them. In any case, I'm disappointed and feel powerless. I didn't choose this professor, the professor I chose (who, from talking to other students who still have them, would have been a great fit for me) was taken away from me with no say on my part, and I was foisted onto this one.

There's another professor I have who seems kind of... not phoning it in, that's too strong of a description, but kind of in that direction. She is doing what is required of her, competently and conscientiously, but she doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. That's fine, I don't have any complaints about that, but neither am I inspired.

I considred if I could switch to the other program I looked at, but it is a cohort model, so I don't know if I could jump in part way through, and there's no guarantee that the professors would be better, though it seems likely, due to how they run the program. In this program I kind of feel like a second class citizen, getting the teachers who are left after the best teachers go to the in-person classes.

On the other hand, I don't think the program really makes good counselors, I think that happens after school, when you're in the field. Like with teaching and teachers. So really I just want to get through the program so I can get on to doing the real work required to get good at counseling. This is a whole rant about the ineffectiveness of schooling programs in general, not specific to my school. The bottom line is that to get good at most things, you gotta do a bunch of work on your own and have a good mentor. So I'm trying not to worry too much about my professors.

On the other hand again, I've had a few professors and teachers who have changed my life. Seeking those out is totally worthwhile. Though even so, to become truly excellent at something, it's all about you and the hard work you put in.

OK, post 1, done, 2 to go.

Vision Quest in the world. List of vacation things. All life as a spiritual practice.

 Other things I/we did on vacation: 

- completed a cool 1000 piece puzzle with a supprize ending. (Maybe I'll bring it to a family gathering)

- ate over-priced but decent food

- made food in our hotel room using only a microwave for heat source for more reasonably priced food

- washed dishes in our hotel room while trying not to gunk up the sink

- finished season 2 of Wheel of Time

- dictated holiday cards while feeling very sick

- filled about half a paper shopping bag with used tissues

- watched the sun rise and set on beautiful cliff faces outside our lodge room windows

During the first night of being really sick, I had an interesting experience, as I wasn't able to get comfortable enough to sleep, and didn't have any pills that could help. I was mostly focusing on a mantra and other spiritual focuses, and that was actually quite nice. I only slept an hour or two at the end of the night, but I rested ok, and was in good spirits the next day. It seems like a good sign. It's easy to be focused on spirituality when everything is supportive of it, but if you can continue to focus on it when things are less conductive, that's perhaps a sign that the habit of focus has started to go deeper. I think that is happening in my life. It is a conscious intention. I would like to spiritualize everything in my life.

There's a nice quote from Tom Brown Jr. talking about his Native American teacher he called Grandfather, that goes something like, 'each step he took was a prayer on the earth' and I feel like that is a good attitude to have with life. We have ordinary things we have to do, day to day, to upkeep our lives, our jobs, etc. But those things can be done as an act of devotion and spiritualized. Then one's entire day can eventually be a walking meditation or prayer, regardless of the mundane obligations one has. I'd like to get there.

When I was doing my vision quest... I guess it was two summers ago, at this point, I noticed how easy it was to connect into a deep spiritual awareness, and thought about how that just wasn't possible in the hubbub of everyday life, away from nature and busy with stuff to do. But one of the realizations I had was the namasmarana I do (Namasmarana means basically, remembrance of the name, and looks like repetition of a mantra/name of god, either silently or out loud) was for me the equivalent of a vision quest for the world. It's a way to take the forest with me. Maybe you've heard the term, 'head in the forest, feet in the world.' I think this is a way to do that for me. I've been trying to integrate that practice into my life so that it's automatic, but it hasn't stuck. I think I am making progress towards it though, as I reflect now.

Next blog, I'll be back in the academic game. I really hope I can take some of the lessons learned over the last semester, to work smarter, doing a bit less unnecessary work, and doing my work with a little less care/slowness. I still want to do a good job, but I also have other things than school that are important to me, that I want to give some of my time. Hopefully with some reflection and strategy, I can limit the amount of time I'm spending on school work without negatively affecting my grades or learning outcomes.

OK, the cat is meowing at me for dinner so that's my cue to go. Take care and walk in beauty,

-Isaac

Zion. Water, Fire.

 Alright, we're two weeks back, and some interesting stuff has happened, but I'm also now gearing up for the new semester to start. I'm going to try really hard to be ready this time, which means reading a lot before Tuesday comes around, which means some shorter posts.

Vacation was fun! We flew in to Las Vegas, which really does seem a bit like hell on earth. Right down to the preponderance of advertisements for lawyers on billboards as you drive along the main roads. We saw Mystere, a cirque du soleil performance that was very cool, though not as good as "O", if you're going to see one.

Then we drove to Zion, stopping at the Valley of Fire along the way for a hike. Lots of beauty and majesty. Unfortunately, the second day of hiking in Zion saw me falling into an ice cold river and then getting sick as a dog, and the next few days were mostly me inside, sleeping and then resting. It was still fun though, being cozy with Suzannah, catching up on some shows we hadn't had much time to watch, and enjoying the beautiful views outside our windows. We did some walking right around where we were staying, which was still beautiful. It was a shame we didn't get to take full advantage of Zion, and that I got sick, but a vacation is a vacation. I'm still feeling a bit groggy as my body recovers, sleeping extra, but generally up and running.

OK, I'll save the rest for a second post.