79 degrees, Outside/Inside, Papers in the wind.

New experimental format:

What is going on externally:

The weather is 79 degrees. I've got the window in my office open and it is tropical. Full spring has arrived. It's April 13th, so that is not normal I think. Climate change. The breeze feels wonderful and is knocking over and blowing around all my papers. Worth it.

The redbuds have finally started to bloom. The Japanese Maple is leafing out. The other maples are already loaded with helicopter seeds. I misspoke apparently, and what I thought were crocuses are in fact hyacinths. They have mostly dried up now. The daffodils are still going strong, despite being filled with little beetles. The... I can never remember the name, I just call them deer food, because the deer decimate them every year...hostas. The hostas are pushing up, even through a thick layer of mulch. I really love doing my sit spot every day. In addition to it being a chance for natural beauty and gratitude, I get to se the minute changes of the seasons and the plants. It's like a secret world, that's always been there that I just never got to see. Now I get to see every step from sprouting new leaves to full bloom to withering of flowers and ripening of seed pods.

Anyhoo, got off track. I wen to bed at 3am last night. I tried napping around 3 this afternoon, but only managed to stay in bed for maybe a half hour, without actually sleeping. Hopefully I'll go to bed earlier tonight. This is why I don't like watching anime and reading manga anymore: when I find something really good (I guess that could include books as well) I find it really hard to put then down. If only I could channel that intensity of focus and effort into some creative endeavor that lead to me making a living, I'd be set for life jobwise and ecstatic about it.

I have not gotten my 3 hours of papers in today, and I'm not going to. I did get at least one hour, and maybe I'll get a second. I am quietly terrified about this lack of progress. 

I've tried making guacamole from a recipe and it was really good. I tried steaming vegetables from a recipe and it was really convenient and passably good, and not overcooked. Somehow I am leveling up my cooking skills. Is it procrastination, or just making sure I'm not eating frozen meals. But I probably should be eating frozen meals, until I've finished my papers.

I did wash a bunch of dishes (which is extra difficult right now, as I somehow injured my lower back, so it hurts to stand for any length of time and especially to lean over). I'm now sitting kind of slumped in my chair, to try and keep it it from hurting and give the muscles as much of a rest as I can without just lying in bed all day, which is probably what would be best for it.

I scraped my hand on the murderously sharp kitchen knobs in my house. Knobs should be round, not pointy and sharp. Who chooses a pointy and sharp handle? Form over function. And safety.

What is going on internally:

Doing surprisingly well. Maybe it's the warm breeze and birdsong. Right now is some of the best weather we're going to get here, because it's been cool before now, so we likely only have a day or two before the bugs start swarming and making being outside less pleasant. Maybe it's because I am being productive today. I feel like my self-satisfaction is directly linked with how I feel I've been using my time. Time is such a precious resource. Especially with how slow I seem to work. Using it poorly tends to leave me with deep remorse, but I'm working on just accepting it and moving on, getting back on track, rather than self-flagellating. It's definitely a more productive approach than beating myself up.

I've been reading a bit about ADHD, and neurodiversity, for school, and though I don't think I have ADHD, I am wondering a bit if I have some kind of neurodiversity that would account for some of my challenges with time, despite my best (and longest) efforts.

Speaking of which, the timer I have going is telling me I need to end this post and get on to the next thing.

So, until next time: be well, be kind.

-Isaac

Simplification, focus, rest and activity. The satisfaction of having spent my time well.

It's been a few weeks since I've checked in. I'm in the midst of crunch time for this semester. I had some great luck, with one teacher condensing two papers into one, and then another two into the final presentation. And then another teacher moved a paper back a week. The net result is that, instead of 2 papers due the 14th, then 4 big papers due April 21st, with another two small ones due the 28th, it's now one small one due the 14th (already done) another two  big ones due the 21st (which I've started working on) and another big one and two small ones, due the 28th, one of which I've already completed most of. I've stopped working on it for now, as I need to focus on the two big one's coming up in 10 or so days.

If I spend 3 hours on them every day, it should be all right. But I haven't been, and so I've been getting worried. However, today I clocked in a full 3 hours, and I'm hoping I can keep up that pace. It doesn't seem like too much, but there are a lot of other things that need to happen every day as well, so actually being able to block out 3 hours of focused work consistently can be difficult.

Today felt good though. I didn't get everything done, but I got many things done, and I don't think I could have easily gotten more done. I used my time well, and that matters more to me than checking off everything on my daily list. I just need to check off all the important things, which I did.

What feels the best though, is getting the papers done without too much stress. I may be counting my chickens before they're hatched, but I think I've planned enough in advance and started working hard enough in advance, that I'm not going to be feeling awful during the last few days, cramming all the paper writing in last minute, pulling 12 hour days. 

The kind of focus necessary for creative academic writing, I can only do for about 3 hours before I start slowing down. I can do simple stuff, editing, formatting, gathering resources, reading scientific articles, for considerably longer than that, and I can even write for longer than that, but it starts becoming much less efficient, and I start feeling worse. I feel like when I can write earlier in the day, while my brain is fresh, I'm getting around twice the amount of writing done, per hour of time put in. Even later on in the day, as long as I haven't exhausted myself mentally. And it's higher quality work. By splitting it up among several days like this, and taking regular, quick breaks, I end up not burned out at the end, and I can then keep working on things, as long as I switch up what I'm working on.

There's plenty of other stuff to do, like cleaning, cooking, read assignments, life admin stuff, so I can keep working right up to when it's time to go to bed.

One of the most challenging elements is keeping my life simple. There are a lot of things I really want to do, but have to say no to, at least for now. But by keeping my focus on just a few things, I'm keeping myself from getting overwhelmed and burned out, which is what happened last semester.

Hopefully it keeps working through the next three weeks, and then I can take care of some of those things I have to say no to for now.

And in general, this practice of simplifying, of saying no to most of the things so I can do a good job with a few and not get burnt out, is a great teaching for me. I think one of the reasons I've always been overwhelmed and not had enough time in the past, was trying to do to many things at once. The crazy workload has been giving me practice on how to focus down and figure out what level of work is sustainable. One of the keys of that is keeping track of just how much I have to do, and when. That's given me the motivation to say no to all the things I really want to do, but don't have time for. And doing that has given me my life back. Even though it's still a lot of work, it's not miserable. It's manageable. I'm doing well. And that's great! 

With love and warmth,

-Isaac

Crocuses, Bedtime, Toiletpapers.

 Lo and behold, I am two days ahead of my papers. Maybe a little bit more actually, since I also did the one due next week. This is cause for celebration, but not rest. Remember, I've got 4 papers due April 21st, 2 papers due the 14th, and two papers due the 28th. And I'm flying out to Ohio on the 28th for a week of all-day classes, so I can't push the papers past that date, there won't be time the next week. So, I've got a week and a half to make enough of a dent in that, ahead of time, that it's sane. That is still a daunting task requiring a lot of work every day. 

Did I mention I'm planning on taking less classes next semester? Assuming it doesn't mess up the timeline to much. Currently in conversation with academic advisor-type people about those specifics.

I think I already mentioned this, but it's good practice, learning to really focus and keep up a rigorous workload, not slack off. I hope I can then apply that work ethic to projects that actually matter to me, once the school work lessens. Not that I dislike what I'm learning, but man, paper-writing is a horribly inefficient way to learn any of this stuff. It's basically toilet paper getting thrown down a drain in terms of its use to anybody, particularly the carefully formatted, rubric directed, citation laden academic nonsense. Maybe a simple reflection, no special formatting, not worrying about grammar or citations, might be worth the time it takes to write it. Or a review of research and thinking, on something that actually matters to me. Who knows, maybe it will somehow come in handy one day. The actual pursuing of scientific articles is actually pretty interesting, when I care about the subject matter.

On the plus side, I'm getting better at writing papers and doing projects faster, with less perfectionism, and thus less time waste.

In more interesting news (to both of us) I love my morning sit-spots. Right now, I'm getting to see the buds emerging, day by day, and the air smelled fresh and like spring this morning. I smelled the crocuses, which smell as good as they look, with their deep vibrant blue to purple. I looked at three daffodil buds in various stages of unfurling, I looked at the Japanese maple leaves starting to emerge, and the redbuds waiting for a warmer day, partially out but halted in their growth by the cold snap. And all the birds flying around and singing in the morning light. It was beautiful, each day is a little different, and it fills me with profound gratitude most mornings, getting to witness the beauty.

My latest self improvement project is going to bed on time. I failed at this in the past, and it made me really upset with myself. But this time, I've got a different approach. I'll just keep working at it, and not get discouraged by it not working, knowing that eventually, I'll get the hang of it, and figure out how to overcome the things keeping it from happening, if I just keep working at it, reflecting and learning from my failures. That's a different approach to beating myself up and getting dispirited every time I failed, and I think it will work. Eventually. Maybe even quickly.

Not really pushing it these next few weeks though, just focusing on getting all my work done. That's enough of a challenge without adding a huge habit/behavior change.

I'm really looking forward to actually doing counseling work. Hopefully this passion of mine for behavior change and self-improvement will get to be channeled towards helping other people.

Love and all good to you, dear friends and family,

-I Out

Momentum vs. Slowing down, Cycles vs. Consistancy, Optimism.

 OK.

I've asked and gotten an extension on one of the papers, I'm almost finished with the second. IF I continue at my current intense but sustainable pace of a paper every 5 days or so, I should be able to start chipping away at the 4 papers due on April 21st, so that when it gets to that time, I'm only doing maybe 2 papers that week.

I've heard a professor comment on how students (and teachers) tend to spin up during the semester, eventually getting at least somewhat comfortable with the pace of work. The key is having a somewhat steady pace of work. Humans can adapt to quite a lot, but if things keep changing, then they need to keep adapting. Like creating a habit, the hard part is the initial behavior change and the maintenance until it becomes semi-automatic as a habit. I think the same can be said for intensity of work habits. The problem comes when we take a break and then lose all that momentum, and then have to re-establish it. Change is hard.

That's not saying I want to get rid of breaks. There is a certain in-breath out-breath cycle of activity and rest that our bodys are designed for, and trying to stay at one level constantly is like trying to sit for too long without moving: it's unnatural and our bodies protest and start to get sick.

But there is a part of me that wants to keep some degree of motion and momentum through the breaks. I think this might be related to the truism that if you want something to get done, give it to someone who's doing a lot.

I've heard the idea of momentum given as an analogy in this context. You want to maintain and increase your psychological momentum for accomplishing things. For pushing outside of your comfort zone. For focused work.

At the same time, I'm reading a book talking about slowing down a bit, being more picky about what you decide to work on so you're not taking on too much, and can do what you are working on well. And I'm very strongly considering going down to 2 classes a semester rather than my current 3, because it just feels too full and rushed.

I'm uncertain however. If I can manage 3, by working efficiently, then it might be good to stick with it until that habit of focused work gets ingrained. It is a good excuse not to do time wasting activities, or at least, not too much of them. But I think 3 classes is a bit beyond what is useful. Not all of the time, but when things build up. 

I have a lot of non-school related things that could easily keep me busy, which I'm not getting to, because I've got to focus so much on school work. I think it would be good to get those life things taken care of, before kids come around. So that would mean taking the degree a bit slower.

Haven't fully pulled the trigger on that yet, but very strongly considering it.

In the meantime, this semester has started its most intense period, which continues through the first week of May. Then I get a few weeks break.

A bunch of house stuff has gotten done. We've listed our old house on Airbnb and Vrbo, we've got the tree's trimmed so hopefully no new roof damage, we've gotten the shed roof replaced and the giant tree branch cut up and hauled off. Any day now all the blood work and other such tests will be back and I can do a really in-depth look at my health with my doctor, perhaps for the first time ever. That's been a project I've been meaning to get to for probably a decade or more. Lots of stuff is happening. Even with the high course load. So that all feels pretty good. Which is a nice contrast from a week ago when I was feeling pretty down. Maybe it's the fact that I'm about to finish my final paper due this weekend and have a bit of time to start on the next one and get start getting ahead in preparation for April. Whatever the case, things are feeling/looking up.

With love,

- I Out

Four hands and a burning car speeding down the highway.

Quick post I think. 3 papers due this weekend (hopefully only two if I can get one of them moved to next week). Thus the shortness of this.

The end of this semester, April 21st, I have four papers/projects due. Given that I can do about 1.5 large papers per week, if working at max capacity, I need to begin working on this now, since I have papers due each weekend going forward, except next weekend. Except I will have one due next weekend, if my professor is kind.

I've been burning out. I've come to the conclusion that I need to reduce my course workload. I'm not the first one to come to this conclusion, but I'm the one that has to pull the trigger, so now it's going to happen. Though I'm not wasting the last 9 weeks of work by quitting in the middle, so it's gonna start either during the summer semester, or this coming fall. I'm looking forward to it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about how to excuse myself from any responsibilities I can reasonably excuse myself from, such as some of the volunteer work I do. It makes me sad to do so, but future Isaac will be thanking me, I suspect.

My birthday is coming up. I think that makes 38? I feel like I'm getting kinda old to have kids. Seems like a young body is better suited to keeping up with them, but I guess the biblical Isaac was born to a much older father, so there's precedent. I notice the difference though. The declining energy, how it takes longer to heal injuries. In a sense I've been preparing for the aging process my whole life, as I've felt like a crotchety old man since I was like 7 years old. On the other hand, there is definitely some regret that it's taken me so long to get myself together enough to really enjoy life. On the third hand, at least I've kind of got it together now, that's not something guaranteed in life, it is a blessing at any age.

On the fourth hand, if I keep up this crazy young persons graduate school schedule, I'm still not getting to enjoy it. Thus realizing I need to chill out. I don't like that it will take longer to finally be working with people, but from the "you might croak in your sleep tomorrow" perspective, it really makes more sense to take it at a pace that I can enjoy. I had a dream last night that kind of drove home the point. I'm lucky enough to have the option to take longer with my degree, so it's kind of masochistic to keep going as hard as I can, just because it means I'll reach my goals sooner. My ultimate goal is not one I can reach faster by rushing, and in fact doing so could easily make it take longer. As my teacher says: start early, drive slowly, arrive safely.

OK, that's all for this week, back to work.

Leap-Year-Day

Suzannah and I created a fun little tradition, last leap year: we celebrated, ate good food, spent some quality time together, and wrote notes to our future selves, to be opened next leap year. It was really cool, hearing about where I was, 4 years ago. I wasn't even married yet! Some of my predictions for what life would be like now came true, or are in process. Some didn't at all. But 4 years is enough time for things to have changed quite a lot. I moved to Texas and then moved back, in that amount of time. I switched career paths.

And what about the next 4 years? If things go according to plan, I'll be working as a counselor by then, and have at least one kid. Maybe two! So much could happen, but the future is uncertain. What will be going on with AI? With climate change? Will I finally be doing work I love? How will I be handling being a father? Will things work out or will there be surprising twists and turns?

A lot of people I know are having a really rough time these days, and my heart goes out to them. Just as easily, it could be me. I think we all take turns, going through the rough patches. What I want to do now, when it's a relatively smooth patch, is work on myself and my systems, so that I have strength and good habits of thought and action, when the rough patches hit. Also, to support those in my life, who are going through those rough patches. I feel like that happens with Suzannah; we take turns having challenging times, so the other person can support the one going through the roughness. Perhaps it works like that in our close social networks as well.

Leap year day. It's special, having this one day that only comes every four years. An excuse to step outside the ordinary and reflect over a larger time period. Looking even further back, I feel so much gratitude for how far I've come, how much better I'm doing than many years ago. And yet, now I'm begining to feel the other side of things: I'm already almost 40, and it seems a shame, that it's taken me this long to get my life together. How many of those years in my physical prime, were wasted on me being unhappy? Youth should be for the old and the very young, or just in general, for people who know how to appreciate life.

But in any case, I can at least appreciate and savor life now. I feel deep gratitude for the setting yellow sunlight playing accross my office and shrine, for still sleeping tree's moving in the wind, for the birdsong in the morning, and for this moment of peace and beauty I get to share with you right now.

Be well, take care of each other, enjoy beauty and love where you can find it,

-Isaac

More than one sentence part 3

What does the previous blog post say about me? How about the fact that it was really hard not to add that first sentence on to it?

I'm writing a lot of papers, and reading a lot of textbooks, and I'm noticing this tendency I have, to try and do a really good, careful job, when I have the time to do so. I think this is a wonderful, caring tendency, except when I actually don't have the time to do it. Which is the case these days. However, it seems like I do have the time, in the same way that it seems like you have a lot of money when you've got a credit card with a high limit.

To explain that analogy: I have a lot of papers due, two weeks from now. That seems a long way away, and so it seems like I have plenty of time to work on my current paper, relax, get some housework done, have fun with Suzannah.

However, if I don't start working on those papers now, it's going to be deeply unpleasant trying to get them all done the week they are due. I think I need a visual chart, that maps out all the things I need to do in a day, and how long they actually take, so I can look at how much time I actually have. Once I see that, I can go, "uh-oh, I really don't have that much time to do all this work, I need to get started immediately and not mess around.." But without that clarity, there isn't a visceral urgency getting me working at the rate I need.

Even just putting all the papers and assignments that are due over the next semester, into my calendar, is very helpful for that. But I still find myself dragging and sidetracking, which I wouldn't do if it was all due next week.

In any case, I think I mentioned this earlier, but just taking moments to pause, in the middle of whatever I'm doing, and connect to silence, offer up whatever work I'm doing as a kind of mindful spiritual practice to the Higher Consciousness... It really helps me take a breather, and not get lost down rabbit holes, getting overy precous or perfectionistic about things that really don't deserve it. So, I'm doing that. I've got a little app on my phone that plays a pretty bell sound every 15 minutes, and then a note on my desk, reminding me to actually use those dings, to take a brief pause. It's quite nice.

OK, three down, one to go!