Well, Thanksgiving happened, I traveled, I got to spend time with my family which was very sweet. I feel like my relationship with them has only gotten better and better over the years.
Probably similar to that old Mark Twain Quote:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
Clearly the joke is that it was actually Mark Twain who had grown in those seven years. And likewise, I think my parents have always been kind and wonderful, but I've gotten a lot better at being kind and wonderful back, and appreciating them properly. Same with the rest of my family.
It was mostly really nice to finally see my Girlfriend, but we got into a little bit of intense talk, a result of me feeling like I couldn't broach the more serious topics via email, and so this was my only opportunity. But we worked it out pretty well, I think. I made use of some of what I'd been learning from John Gottman's books and that was really helpful. Still, it was sad to have some of our brief time together be less than joyful. But now I know it's ok to bring up the serious issues via email, so that's a relief. Though one thing that has be down is her adjusted time-frame for when she'll have time for more than a quick text at night: probably not until at least the end of her schooling. That's 2.5 more years. And then after that, if she gets a job, it's probably going to be super busy for that as well. I was prepared to wait it out patiently for a year, though it would hurt, but that's some bitter medicine to swallow. I'm not sure what it means for the relationship, but in certainly means I need to re-evaluate. I still think she is amazing and would make a great partner... but I need a bit more time of actually interacting with her to confirm this. And I don't know when I'll get that time. Could be years.
I'm feeling down, due to that. And anxious, about starting up teaching again. Always seems to happen, first day back to school after not teaching for a bit. No school yesterday, because of a blizzard. Thank God; I was so tired from all the activity and travel, I slept in for a total of like 12 hours. I think I was also mildly sick.
But now we start up again. I realized that a big part of my anxiety and then fatigue from teaching is I've got a big attachment to being great at my job. Nothing wrong with wanting to do your job well, but it's the whole equanimity thing: be equal in success and failure, pleasure and pain. When you, when I, try and cling too tightly to something being one way, or pushing away something else, it makes me unbalanced, unhappy, and unproductive.
I noticed this particularly with my creative endeavors, like acting and improv dance: it is when I'm not afraid of failure, when I'm not attached to success, that I take risks and have fun in a way that is very effective and productive. When I get to worried about failing, I clam up, get too conservative, stop having fun, stop being as focused and energetic.
I hope someday I can have the same kind of fun teaching, as I do with improv dance. That took many years though, and lots of practice, improving my skills. So I suppose I should be patient with myself, in this current area... though, on the other hand, I was able to get into that state even from early on, with improv dance.
I think it's more of a mental block than an impossibility. But it's harder than dance because it's not just something I'm doing for fun, it's my job, and there are a bunch of other people involved. Much bigger responsibility. More planning needed. More people involved, more complexity, more challenges, higher stakes. Makes sense that it would be more challenging.
Alright, back I go.
On the plus side, the pressure keeps me focused and working hard, which I like.
Much love to my loved ones, and well-wishes to all of you.
(my email subscription widget says there's like a thousand emails signed up to get this, which seems insane. I'm assuming I'm reading it wrong or it doesn't notice when it gets unsubscribed or something. the idea that many people are interested in reading my little tea conversations does not compute, so I generally try to forget about it and just write like I'm writing to a few close friends and family.)
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