A little something

Hello :-)

This is written in the few minutes between work and bed. I'm getting better at reading things quicker and skimming, but still have a ways to go. The readings are so interesting! It's a great problem to have, but still, I need to resolve it so I can keep my life balanced. I mean, I think my life is somewhat balanced, I guess. But I want to make even better use of my time.

It's kind of hard for me because I am a turtle person. Meaning I'm naturally slow. That's my pace, that's how I work. I can't just become a rabbit person. But I would like to be a get-er-done type person.

Today I went for a walk with some of my classmate friends on a bike trail. It was sunny and seventy and the trees were flame red and orange and pink and yellow. I picked up a plump green caterpillar from the bike path and put it in the grass, and saw a squirrel with three acorns in its mouth.

I woke up at 5am and did papers and presentations and my brain felt like a liquid by the end of the school day, and then I took a nap and did another paper and some more reading. Aside from the walk, I watched a twenty-minute episode of "Adam Ruins Everything" and now I'm going to bed. I'm not slacking off. Yet I'm still quite behind, and I'm not yet certain that I'm catching up.

I do feel like I'm getting better though. I think I may be catching up. I think I'm getting better at reading quickly. Small improvements, but improvements. This is good news. If I can change a little bit, I can eventually change a lot. And my struggles seem to be having the desired results (learning how to be more efficient.)

Sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm not doing what I think I should be doing. The majority of the time, I'm happy, and always, I'm optimistic. Maybe that's the wrong word. I have faith. Or, I have Trust. I trust the universe, God, and thus myself. And I'm ok failing repeatedly. I know that's what happens when you're learning a lot, and I know to learn from things when they don't go well. And I'm soft with myself. It's a softness that smells like crushed cedar leaves and feels like those translucent matte red yew berries... That is to say, soft and nurturing and clean and fresh and real. (though apparently Yews are quite poisonous aside from the red cup-shaped berry part that's technically called an aril (but including the seed inside the berry, so don't eat the seed.)

My center of gravity is shifting, has been shifting, to a kinder more mature place, and it feels very honest and strong and grounded. Still with lots of failure and ups and downs, but all that happening around this nice center of gravity that keeps moving towards something bigger.