Self-E. Burning, Vinegar.

My teacher: "when I first saw people walking around with selfie sticks, I was concerned that people seemed to be carrying around these club-like weapons, until I learned what they actually were"

Me: (in my head) "They are a weapon. But they only do spiritual damage, and it’s mostly self-inflicted, so nobody worries about them."



---

Hello.

I have given myself 21 minutes for this post. (The above was written earlier, right after I heard it and the response came into my head)

I've been timing most of what I've been doing these days, because I am a slow, easygoing sort, who likes to sink deeply into whatever work I'm doing, especially writing and certainly learning. But, I do not have time for that.

I have approximately twenty summaries, of various lengths and types, due by Tuesday, and really I should get them done by Monday, so I can begin working promptly on next weeks batch, starting Monday afternoon.

Just for fun, I'm going to share my current schedule, in brief:
Weekdays:
Wake up around 4:15-4:30
listen to some nice spiritual discourse for about 15 minutes as my brain slowly gains sentience
Quick bathroom stuff
Meditation, prayer,
about a half hour of exercise, running and doing sun salutes
shower
Work for about an hour to an hour and a half on homework
Breakfast and class starts at 8:30, so I try to leave by 8:00
Class goes until 4:30, hour break for lunch. It's intense lecturing taking notes as fast as I can until 2:30, and then practicing what we've leaned until 4:30
Get home, maybe meditate or nap for 10-20 minutes
Work till dinner
Dinner is as quick as I can make it, I just walk over to a Poke place (Maybe I'll describe that later, basically, a nice Asian style build-your-own salad/rice bowel.)
Back to work until bedtime, usually around 8:30, so I can get ready for bed and be asleep around 9, for my early morning work.

Weekend is not much different, except I am just working on writing papers all day, instead of going to class. So a bit worse, because not broken up by the practice time, which is a nice change of pace.

I allowed myself the luxury of Friday night with a little web series, and let myself sleep in till 5am today.

My head feels a bit spacey, my neck and back a little achy. I have another... 18 papers to do, tomorrow. I completed... I think, 8, today. I think, I hope, I've started speeding up, as I iterate and briefly reflect each time, on how efficient I was and what I can do to improve that. Some of the papers are shorter, but some take a surprisingly long time. But perhaps part of that is just me being inefficient.

You may think this is all said with a quiet desperation, a kind of pitiful defeated sobbing.

But no, I actually love it.
I mean, it's super challenging, and my body, brain, mind, are groaning under it.
But,
A) if I end up behind, it will be a huge pain, but nobody's going to die, nobody's going to go hungry. The stakes, realistically, are low. The worst of it is I'll be creating more work for myself than I'd have to do if I finished them all on time. Which is very motivating, but not terrifying.
B) I'm getting approximately enough sleep, I'm getting a little bit of exercise and taking short breaks.
C) the work is generally very rewarding, I feel it directly moving me towards higher levels and new spells in my "Teacher" class

But the reason I love it is not even specifically about gaining teacher super-powers. It's about gaining general kick the doors down spit and vinegar workaholism.

This super intense, super demanding workload, with a fairly serious repercussion (not mean, not punishment) for lapsing, is forcing me to muster reserves and develop behavior patterns and habits to be the sleep deprived malnourished college grad I always felt guilty about not being. Even more so, being the no-social life utterly focused student of mastery that I always wished I could be.

I no longer have any excuse to feel bad about myself in comparison to other people who are working super hard. I now know I can do it to. I can work just about every waking hour of the day, intensely and deeply, with just the bare minimum amount of breaks necessary to keep from burning myself out.

There are people who work harder, but it's not sustainable and I don't ever want to be one of the burnout people. But I do love testing myself against the storm, so to speak, and seeing that I can live through it.

And I look forward to applying some of the skills I'm acquiring now, to my job, to my passion of nurturing new souls. I want to be a world class teacher, and I know the only way to do that is to work really, really hard, and make sacrifices towards that goal, in other areas of my life. Well, now I know I can, and it can be satisfying, and sustainable. generally sustainable. I think I need a wee bit more social interaction for something truly sustainable. But that's part the benefit of this: by going way past the point of a reasonable workload, I'm having to really push my efficiency, notice and eliminate wasted time, energy, and wasteful routines, because I"m so desperate for just a little more time, and every few minutes I can squeeze out pay off immediately.

I feel like I'm forging some strong, sharp weapon, and it's glowing cherry read to white hot, from the tremendous heat it's being subjected to. Forging a sword requires a lot of burning. So, for my dream, for mastery, burn on.

About 20 minutes of post writing

I think I can confirm, at this point, that I am more busy than at any previous period in my life... at least with school work, sitting in front of computer work. I'm spending more hours in front of my computer working than any previous time.



Clearly I've done some growing, since I'm handling it much better than I'd handled previous workloads that were less intense.

Still not handling it perfectly. Yesterday was kind of a disaster, in terms of productivity. Which is to say, still better than previously. I gut a good chunk of work done, throughout the whole morning. But then the afternoon was gone, and I stayed up late, which will likely bite me as the day wears on. But I make notes to myself and if-then implementation intentions and put it on my list of things to work through with my Instant Influence book (I highly recommend it. I'm currently just using it to help myself find motivation, but it's a very non-coercive and effective methodology taken from Motivational Interviewing, which is used by addiction professionals today to help people with the greatest difficulties, find their own motivation to change behaviors.) Let's see... I'll just link the title so you can find it easily.

But I just continue to learn. For example, I really don't have time for a long post, so I'm timing myself, and that's all I've got to write this weeks post. Perhaps if I don't goof off on Saturday next week I'll allow myself the indulgence of a longer post. (I'm saying this in an amused, not quite serious way. But it is kind of true..."

In any case, you can expect similarly brief posts until I've... man, I don't know when it's all gonna stop. But I'll at least have a bit more time once the deadlines aren't so strict and crazy, after summer school ends.

But funny thing is, I kind of like the crazy deadlines and amount of work. It's good work, that I see as valuable, and enjoyable/interesting/challenging, and I'm not stressed out terrified if it doesn't go well. It just means more hassle and potentially a bit more money down the line. Motivating but not super stressful. And revving it up to this level does seem to make me preform at a higher level than otherwise. As a Jyotishi said to me (one of my first failed attempts at getting a real Nadi leaf read, "for you, shoot for the moon, maybe you'll make it up Everest. If you just shoot for Everest, you may not even make it past your front door." The Nadi leaf stuff may have been total hogwash with him, but the advice is sound for most human beings (one of the strategies of cold reading) and I'm finding it to be true, in very specific circumstances, with me now.


OK, my alarm has gone off. See ya next week gang 😁

-I0

Time

I'm working on brevity.
I hear it's the soul of wit ;)

-(I should probably stop there to really that point)-


This weekend, I'm traveling to honor and celebrate someone worth honoring. The person I mentioned from last week. I had a dream about her Wednesday night. She was dancing, looking like she had before the illness. Then me and my old improv dance group were dancing to honor her. It was heartfelt, but also a little bit uncomfortable, a little self conscious. And the strangest thing was I had an incredibly strong sense that I'd had this dream before. It reminded me of the last funeral of a dear friend I'd gone to. Who was member of that dance troupe. And me and one other person did dance there in honor of her.

I guess that's the brain linking, making associations. The final odd thing was, the dance was happening in my room. My original room. The first room I ever lived in, my childhood house. Perhaps because this friend is one of the earliest friends I ever made, that stayed friends. We were friends back then, when I was only... ten? I think it might have been ten years old.

When I met her, I had been told by my parents that she was born the 20th of May. This was important to me, because I was born the 21st of May, on the same year. So the first thing I said to her was, "did you know I'm one day older than you?" with some pride.

She then proceeded to teach me how, mathematically, she was the older one.

At some point one of us decided that since we were a day apart, we were twins. Though as I got older, I would joke that we were twins like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito were twins in the movie.



The parallels were striking: she was blond, tall, from somewhere Norse, smart, disciplined, attractive, positive, good at sports. I was... well, the comedic foil.


Anyways, I mention time for a few reasons: the passing of friends makes me acutly aware of the passing of time.

I also have an intense course load I'm preparing for.
I mentioned brevity at the beginning, because I need to learn it, if I'm going to keep up. I need the discipline to say, "I'm only spending one hour on this. Then I'm done, even if it's not as thorough as I'd like."

This is extremely challenging for me. It's like trying to cut out sugar. I like to write. It helps me think. It calms me.

But I vehemently need to adhere to a haiku-like simplicity, to have any chance of staying up to date with my work, and getting enough rest. This is great practice for life and teaching. But it is a disused skill. I've done it quiet effectively with creative subjects, but not so much with academic ones. All the same, now, I must. Sink or swim! But my teacher is super awesome, so I don't think he'll just leave me to sink if I start thrashing.

Oh, by the way, I'm writing this Thursday and scheduling it for Saturday, since I'm not going to have much time this weekend. So if something big happens between now and then, that might be why it's not in the post.

With much love you to all, my dear friends and family. You are precious to me.
Time is precious.
Don't waste a moment.

Live

All I can really think about is my dear childhood friend who just passed away yesterday. She was the same age as me.

Losing someone you love is a strange thing. People's reactions differ wildly. Some plunge into activity, others get quiet and withdraw, some try to comfort themselves or others with their beliefs on life after death, some get angry...

I suppose I shouldn't say "some" but rather "sometimes" since many people go through all these things and more. The main commonality is that there is a significant change happening. The closer they were, the more intense. And this thing, I suppose I'll call it grieving, it's a big deal, like losing a limb or something. Except it's invisible. And often, if you're really close, for the first while there is shock, numbness. Disorientation.

I mean, I don't know if that's universal. But it seems to be that the change is so big, people can't really take it all in, with one gulp. And even after the initial impact, there continue to be ripples. It's like a meteor hitting the ocean, and at first their is a huge tsunami, but for a long time afterwards, the rest of the waves come crashing in, smaller echo's of that first assault.

It's happened enough that I no longer worry about all the weird feelings and behavior that comes up. I understand it's just part of the process. Weird is normal, with grief. The mind trying to process and find equilibrium in whatever ways it can.

Loss. If the person who dies is close to you. It's about loss. Something precious and unique is gone forever. I have absolute faith in the immortality of the soul, I'm pretty sure even the core aspect of mind remains after the body ends, but that doesn't change the fact that for those who are left behind, we no longer have that beloved person to talk to,  joke with, be in the presence of.

Compassion, and often awkwardness and discomfort, if the person who passed is not so much close to you, as close to someone you knew. Good people touch a lot of lives, and often many people have their own personal loss they have to deal with. But for those most closely intertwined, it is on a whole other scale, and the bystanders can feel a bit helpless. What can they do? You can't make the pain go away. You don't really want to, necessarily. That's one of the things I learned the first time I lost someone really close to me: numbing yourself is not a great idea, long term. Laugher and good times with friends is. But not so much the Netflix binges (maybe if they were with a friend? moot point since I was alone on the opposite side of the US from my hometown(s) when it happened.

My first big encounter with grief was several years ago, when I heard my best friend had committed suicide. I heard via an email, and then I went and played world of warcraft until I couldn't stay awake any more. I didn't want to have to deal with this fact. I wanted to escape from it. I wanted to not feel, or have to think, about it. And I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't going to sleep.

I think I played a lot of that game in the next few weeks. I don't actually remember that time very well. But I knew I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably or feeling super sad. There was sadness, but more, there was depression, numbness, lethargy. I didn't understand then that was a perfectly reasonable response.

I think there was a part of me that was trying to feel really sad, almost like trying to force yourself to gag and vomit, when you have a bad stomach ache. A nice deep cry and feeling of sadness would have been a relife, something clean and clear, cathartic. That's what happens in the movies right? In any case, that's not necessarily what happens in real life. In real life I just kind of slumped into a blob and sleep-walked through life for a while.

If I could go back in time and deliver a message, I would have maybe told myself, after I got the news, to go for a walk outside near some tree's, let myself feel whatever I felt, not try and feel more or differently, but just honor what was going on in me, and what wasn't. That it was ok, whatever I was and wasn't feeling, but it would be good to not try and stop myself from feeling it, whatever it was. And find some good friends to be with, to laugh with. That it was ok to laugh and have fun, perhaps more necessary than ever.

In any case, I think about my own deep loss now, as I go through my own process, and think about those who were closest to her. I think maybe, it's like... how much of your life does somebody occupy? How much are you with them, or calling them, or thinking about them? If there's one person who is like a fourth, or a half of your life, and then they're gone... imagine loosing a forth or a half of your body. Like you've just lost a limb, or multiple limbs. Maybe some internal organs. Versus, maybe this person is a hundredth of your life. You see them once a year, think about them once a month. You've lost a finger. That's a big deal, but it's a different amount of adjusting you have to go through. My heart goes out to the people now who've lost limbs.


Death. How many times have I talked about death? There are so many unimportant things, trivialities, that we obsess over, spend so much time and energy on, because we think we have unlimited time. So few really important things, that we put off, because, though important, they are a distant concern. Something that will wait. But the fact of the matter is, you have a very limited amount of time. Under a hundred years almost certainly. A flash. A water bubble, formed, moving, popped. And how much time exactly? We truly have no idea. Given that irrefutable fact, are there perhaps things that you'd like to be doing, that your not doing? Or things that you are doing, that you don't really want to put as much time or energy into?

I know for me, there are a lot of pointless things I do on the internet that I could do without. And a few things, I want to pursue with greater focus and energy: the people I love, my teaching, my creating, spirituality, play, service. I want to be spending less time complaining, worrying, being frustrated or hung up or judgmental. More time laughing, loving, being grateful, giving it my all, taking good risks, opening my heart to others, serving them, being less self-conscious.

I'm reminded that I want to speak to everybody I meet with love and compassion. I'm reminded that I want the people dear to me to know I love them. I'm reminded that I never want to take myself too seriously, or forget to play. I'm reminded that I always want to be asking, what's the best thing I could be doing right now? How can I serve the person or place that's in front of me right now? How do I live with no regrets?

I'm a spiritual person, so for me there's always something I can do; I can open my heart and eyes, and see the beauty, the silence, the source, that is ever permeating every object and space and person, and fall at the feet of the sweet divine lover that is present in all of it. (not in fear or supplication or anything, it's just a kind of spontaneous action that happens when I open my heart and see clearly, and am then overwhelmed with gratitude and love.)

Remember remember remember. Memento Mori. Remember you will die. Everyone will die, and you don't know when.

So, Live.

Very Busy

I'm not sure what to do. I'm so far behind on my homework. I'm working on it, but it takes me so, so long. and there is so, so much of it. I think maybe there was some skill that I missed, somewhere along the line? but no, this sounds familiar from my graduate degree. Same thing, and just about everyone was feeling the same way, and I eventually got it done. Just not right away. Except I had a few weeks to work at it after school had ended, and now I'll be coming back immediately for intense prepping for school and then teaching.

I...  I think it will be ok. Eventually I'll get it done. I think. But that's not even the scary part, the scary part is apparently the next class is going to be even more intense, and strict about getting things in on time. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I just don't work that quickly. I don't think I'm working super slowly. But I'm definitely not working quick enough for that to be possible.

I mean... maybe if I only slept 4 hours a night, and really did almost nothing else... maybe. But I've never done that before and I frankly don't want to start now. When i'm sleep deprived I'm not absorbing anything in class, and class is 7 hours a day with awesome teachers. I'm not going to miss that because I'm exhausted trying to keep up with an impossible schedule.

It should be ok, as long as they don't kick me out for being late with my homework. But then I have to wonder how long is it going to take to actually finish all of it? Am I going to have to come home from school at 4:30, work for two hours on school stuff, and then another two on homework stuff, for basically the whole year? And then there is always life stuff, paying the bills and doing laundry and shoving nutrients into my face hole. That means I would be doing nothing else. I would just be a work hermit, for I don't know how long. Months. That may be the most likely outcome of all of this.

Right now my only strategy is blind hope, and that's not a good strategy. In need information, on what's gong to be required of me and what the repercussions and limitations are, and then I need some kind of really good scheduling to figure out how to make that all work. And then I need to actually get my meat robot to obey my commands. (that's just one of my pet names for my body, including central nervous system.)

Anyhoo. I had some fun homework today that involved observing and writing my observations on an animal, so I got to go to La Jolla Cove and watch seals and sea lions play and sleep. Mostly sleep. there were other cool animals around too, it was a good afternoon. But here I am again at the end of my weekend, with a few things checked off my list and many more still to go. It's disheartening and frustrating. I keep trying to do more in the same amount of time and it's not working.

Well, this class at least will be ok. Perhaps I'm worrying about nothing. But in either case I really want to get more...what's the word. More efficient with my time.

OK, I'm exhausted, time for my sweet nightly reprieve.