A good book

 Perhaps I was being overly negative, last week. And by last week, I mean yesterday because the break was a blur and I did not use my time as efficiently as I had hoped to. Though I shouldn’t be surprised. I had two factors working against me, one, I rarely get a large chunk of time to just play, and two, well, I guess that’s both of them. That fact means I’m kind of pressurized and as soon as the pressure is off it tends to explode, the long-standing restraint muscles being exhausted. Two, because it happens in frequently I’m not practiced in using it well, avoiding those pitfalls.

Anyhoo, on to other thoughts. I’m reading a book that seems to have done some of what I’d wanted, in a teacher training program. The person designing it tried to scientifically study the best teachers and break down what it was that they actually did. And second, they tested the effectiveness of their own programs, until they found ways of teaching those skills that actually, empirically worked.l

The system/program is far far from perfect. It has some fairly specific recommendations that I highly doubt came from a general summary of what the best teachers did well. That specificity means that, because they weren’t designed for a Montessori classroom, some of it doesn’t directly apply. And, even if it wasn’t a Montessori classroom, some of it wouldn’t apply if you are working somewhere with specific rules/regulations that require things be different than the suggestions. Though it does seem pretty well designed for general application to traditional classroom structures.

I appreciate the specificity, but probably need more of the fundamental concepts so I can apply them to whatever my current situation is.

One of the points I felt vindicated on, after reading, was that they did many interviews with the successful teachers, and pretty much universally, the teachers could not really explain what it was they did that made them effective. That was the point that really caught my eye. This was the insight I had that made me want to create a teacher training protocol: the master teachers didn’t know what they were doing and nobody knew how to teach other people how to do it effectively. Or if they did know, they weren’t doing it, for some reason.

So I’m reading through that currently, as fast as I can. Actually practicing and applying it is another matter altogether. First I have to decide what feels right, then adapt it, the find ways to practice it. But there are at least some useful pointers right away. If I can’t change just yet, I can gain awareness, and that is the first step of change.

I Out (because I’m out of time.)

See you next week, take care, be well.

Willpower, Job/Joy, Endure.

As you may have noticed my post is a full week late. Why? Well, I squandered my time, that's why. I'm attempting not to beat myself up too much about it, but it is depressing. I need better willpower. My dear loving wife has said I've got some of the highest willpower of anyone she knows. It warms my heart to hear her belief in me, but I would call that skill at making habits and engineering my environment. I accept that I have decent skill in those things. But the reason I developed skill in those things was because I was sorely lacking in willpower, so I needed a different option. I do believe that good habit formation skills along with good environmental engineering are in general more useful than willpower, as you are relying on them 80-95% of the time, and it would be exceptionally unusual to have someone do that much stuff right every day, day after day, year after year if they had to make the willpower-fueled decision every day for each decision.

But when you are in novel circumstances, when something happens that you didn't plan for, when you slip up, it is willpower that lets you stay on track regardless. Both things are valuable, and I want more of the willpower one. I think it's also related to sense controle. Willpower, sense controle, discipline. I am weak in these. I want to get stronger. I'm working on it.

In other news, I had a quiet prayer/meditation session introspecting and trying to get some wisdom on my job (I mistyped that as "joy" which is very appropriate. "Follow your bliss" Joseph Campbell said, right?) and the fact that every Sunday night and every last few days of vacation, I spend dreading my return to work. That's not a good sign that you're "following your bliss." What's going on? Help!

The insight I had was that many of my methods of discipline and classroom management disgust me. I disliked being permissive, which was my native style, and which I knew intuitively and now experientially, was bad for the kids. Currently it is somewhat authoritarian, which involves harsh looks and words, punishments, and fear, when children aren't behaving appropriately. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm pretty gentle as far as things go, but I do the command voice, I move students, I have them sit out, etc.  It is exhausting to do, and I think it's morally reprehensible. Not all of it, but even doing a facsimile of anger to get what I want... what the heck am I teaching them? Yes, yell to get what you want? Scare people? Punish them if they don't do what you want? I know they need to be corrected when they do something wrong, letting it go is just as bad, maybe worse, but I can't reconcile it with yelling at them. 

I don't have a cohesive philosophy about it, so I'm copying behaviors that seem to work, using the least unpleasant. But it still doesn't feel good. If I stop, then it's chaos, it's even worse. But that doesn't make it good. Sometimes I use other methods that feel better, but they are very time intensive and individualized, and there often just isn't time for that when you're in charge of 40 kids. And often they don't even work, either because I haven't had time to learn how to do them properly, or because they're bupkis.

I need a way of creating a peaceful, hardworking, responsible classroom that doesn't make me exhausted and drained at the end of the day. That actually feels right and good. This is the crux of my discontent with my job. I am ambivalent towards teaching, which doesn't mean wishy-washy like it sounds like, but feeling strongly in more than one direction. I love working with the children, helping them grow, learn, get inspired. But I currently strongly dislike classroom management. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's neutral, but often it does not feel good to my heart.

The other crux being how long I work. It is too many hours watching children. There is nothing to be done about it now, but it's on my list for what not to do, next time I have the option of choosing. After a 9.5 hour work day being in charge of a large group of children, I am totally fried. I want time to plan, reflect, practice, grow. That should be part of what I'm getting paid for, not my weekend time. If I were working in a company, it would be part of my work hours. I think it is only because of necessity that it is not that way. Not enough money, not enough people. But it is not right to expect someone to teach even 8 hours a day straight and then go home and have to worry about more work stuff. Teaching is hard enough work as it is. 

There is little I can do about the discipline, since I have little spare energy/time, but I have something I'm going to try, to see if I can at least be putting a few minutes a day towards improving my classroom management skills in a deliberate way, since it's so central to whether I enjoy my work.

Can't do much about the discipline, can't do anything about the hours, so for now my main strategy is "endure."

-I Out

Quick-y

 Hello. It’s almost Thanksgiving break time. Wooooo! I’m out of time today. See ya next week.

;-)

Monday Lunch With Isaac, Nov. 8th

 Perhaps these posts should be called “Monday Lunch with Isaac.” Since that is mostly what they are.

I woke up late yesterday morning and had an awful day, and it made me thing the Cognitive Behavior based sleep therapy has it right. Apparently it’s at least as effective as pills etc. for helping with sleep disorders, but it leans heavily on CBT, cognitive behavior therapy. I like CBT because it has roots in spirituality. I think it make have come from ideas of the stoic philosophers, which were a close off-shoot of Plato and Socrates, but also it shares a lot with Byron Katie’s work, which has an overtly spiritual goal. I also like it because it’s… what do they call it, ‘evidence based,’ meaning there is scientific research to back up it’s effectiveness. I think looking for evidence based things has some limitations, like for instance the fact that… I don’t remember the actual numbers, but something like 50-70% of psychology based research studies have turned out to be bad, meaning not reproducible using stringent standards.

In any case, I think what ruined the day for me more than anything else were my beliefs about waking up late ruining my day. Take those away and the day would have been fine, if not super productive. Nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so, and all that.

It’s gonna be another short one I think. I am very much looking forward to having Thanksgiving off! Two weeks away, the countdown continues. Me and Suzannah are planning on going to the RenFair, which is apparently quite a good one.

I’m continuing to think about how to enjoy my work more and be less worried/anxious about it, more myself, to have more fun doing it.

OK, out of time. See ya next week.

Catchy 80’s Jingles prevent me from coming up with catchy blog titles

 A bit late on my blog this week, perhaps because I was thrown off my schedule due to being out Monday. I got my Covid booster and flu shot Saturday and had a headache and nausea and chills Sunday. I’m still a bit more tired than normal but boy am I grateful for the ability to get a vaccine and subsequent booster, I can only imagine how getting the real thing would be way worse. I try not to be biased but I can’t help but feel extremely grateful for the modern medical miracle vaccines are, one of the most effective interventions modern medicine has created in its history. With some of the highest numbers for lives saved. I’ll try and avoid further soap boxing because there are few things I dislike more than arguing with people about their beliefs and many people seem to have very strong one’s where vaccines are concerned.

In other news, I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving break coming up. Already counting the days. I do feel like I am making progress learning how to be a good teacher, but there is much to go. Perhaps there always will be. One of the things I’m working on now is just being more comfortable, being wherever I am, teaching. It is, as always, the beliefs and thoughts about something that make one feel good or bad about it. For whatever reasons, I’ve got a lot of attachments and judgments about being a good teacher, and how it’s bad when I do poorly at it. Not very helpful. If I can’t be happy being where I am, it’s going to reduce my chances at longevity with the job.

I always hated being a leader, for instance, when we split up into groups for school projects. I didn’t want the responsibility. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I’ve been forced into it now. Something I needed to confront. Responsibilities for others, who are not necessarily safe on their own, doing something where there feels like a lot on the line, if I don’t succeed doing many things I feel naturally bad at…

It’s a good training ground, I suppose. If I can be happy and carefree, work efficiently but without worry or anxiety, in a situation like this, then I can do it in many if not most situations that life throws at me. When you lift weights at the gym, it doesn’t help if you lift styrofoam pretend weights. So to with life, if you’re not given any real challenges you’re unlikely to grow.

However, I have to remember that just because you’re given challenges, doesn’t mean you’re going to grow. What do you do with life’s challenges? Do you jump right in and try you best, then reflect back on what went well, what didn’t, and what you can do next time to improve? If you just complain, play the victim “oh woe is me” and scrape by doing the minimum just to get by, numbing yourself out with distractions, you may not learn all that much. Just like there is a huge difference between naive practice and deliberate practice, in you towards mastery. It’s not just practicing, it’s how. You practice. Your technique, focus, intentionality and intensity.

So, I’m working on practicing, training, well. It’s a little hard, because I have to figure out what that means.

OK, gotta go. My lunch mates are playing catchy add jingles from the 80’s, so I can’t focus on writing anymore either today. See ya next week,

-I