I’ve got a little subheading in one of my travel journals that I’ve just labeled “paid for in blood.” It’s a record of all the lessons I can think of, that I’ve learned from my time teaching. Teaching in general I suppose, but specifically over the last two years, and especially this last year where I’ve learned more than all the other years combined. Some of the lessons are about teaching, classroom management, lesson creation, child psychology, etc. Many are about more general things, like mental toughness, gratitude for the time and freedom I have, and the urgent need not to waste any of it.
The title comes from the fact that these lessons were bought in pain. Exhaustion, discomfort, stress, and a general lack of play and joy in my life. Not to be to down on my job, especially since this last year was exactly what I’d wanted, and was less stressful by far than any previous year, because I got to work directly with my mentor and share a class with her. But it was still draining, stressful, and not high in joy or play or deep satisfaction. Thus why I’m planning on leaving being a full time classroom teacher.
But any experience you go through in your life can be teaching you something. And often the most painful lessons are the most powerful and useful. I’ve paid my pain, so I refuse to let that go to waste. I will extract every iota of value I can from this time, so I don’t have to feel like it was wasted, or even poorly spent.
I’ve heard a phrase recently, perhaps from the positive psychology branch of things, “post traumatic growth.” It’s a relative of post traumatic stress disorder, but if I recall correctly it is referencing research into how traumatic events can lead to either outcome: a stress disorder, or growth. Depending on how it is framed, approached, and processed.
Makes me think of a phrase I’ve heard for a long time from various sources, “don’t play the victim” many times before in my life, nodded to it and gave it passing lip service, but it is an important thing to remember. Our lives are largely shaped by the story we tell. Bad things happen to everyone. Are you the protagonist in the story you’re telling, or the victim? If you take on the role of the victim, you get to not be responsible for things, so it feels safer in that way. You get to blame others for your life being bad. Unfortunately, you also give up the role of the hero, of the person who has control over their destiny. When you say, “it’s not my fault, it’s other people doing things to me.” You are implicitly saying, “I can’t make it better. Other people/things have to change to make it better.” Versus being the protagonist, where you are saying, “I get to choose things, my actions are what determines my outcome, and I do control those.”
Of course, the reality is more nuanced. Some people and circumstances really do make our lives more miserable. And things don’t always go as we plan, even when we do everything we can from our side. Believing that you have control over the outside world is not true. You can influence it, but you never control the outcome completely.
However, you can always control your interpretation and viewpoint, the story you tell about what’s happening, what it means. And you can control your actions. And doing so consciously, from that perspective of the protagonist, seems a lot more useful to yourself and others.
So that’s what I’m doing. I hope I get all the important lessons written down, while they’re fresh in my mind, so I can remind myself of them as time goes on.
Less than 8 days to go, at this point. I am ecstatic. Though I don’t think the summer is going to be all about me doing all the things I’ve been waiting to do. There will be some of that, but mixed with all the craziness of moving back home, getting the current house set up as a rental, and finding a new house. It may be months before I’m really settled down and working on things with focus. But I think the summer is going to be fun. If not unadulterated fun, then a mix of business and pleasure.
See you next week
Happily,
-Isaac
