Secondary Trauma, Sunlight, Self Care

One of the classes I'm taking is called "Trauma and Crisis Counseling" (or something close. I may have the order of words backwards). As such, you would expect it to be maybe a bit hard to read some of the readings. 'Secondary Trauma' is something people who work with Trauma victims/survivors encounter, where they get trauma symptoms themselves. Similar perhaps to how people who watched too much media coverage of certain traumatic events ended up with trauma symptoms themselves.

In general, humans have wonderfully sensitive, empathic nervous systems that can feel the distress of others. But if they are experiencing empathy, holding hands and going through traumatic experiences with others, it can backfire in that way.

Last week and this week have been about abuse and IPV (intimate partner violence--domestic abuse) and learning about it is a little heartbreaking. I haven't experienced enough to constitute secondary trauma, but after sitting for a while, reading about it, I feel the need to decompress, spend some time out in nature, read something uplifting or meditate. The need for "self care" that is frequently stressed in my textbooks make sense in light of this.

I also wonder if I will be able to muster empathy and compassion, if I'm dealing with the abuser? Especially if they are unrepentant. There is definitely a part of me that just wants to say, "No, that is wrong. You need to stop doing that." But I don't imagine that would be very effective.

Despite this, I'm getting excited about my upcoming internship. It's right around the corner, and I'll finally get to start actually doing what I've been in school for these last years. I'll finally get to start actually learning how to be a therapist. The info is interesting, but it is so useless without practice. Like so many parts of our education system, it's quite poorly designed, for actual learning.

I'm not sure if I can upload this properly, but I want to share a beautiful light show I saw this morning. it was a little beam of light, peaking through our curtains, sunlight through windy trees. I want something like this playing in the corner of my computer at all times, accompanied by windy nature sounds and relaxing music. 

Groundhog, Tomato, Time Limit

I'm not a fan of keeping up with the Joneses, but I am a fan of measuring oneself against one's own past benchmarks. Measuring against other people isn't fair, but measuring against yourself can spur growth. So So when I say it's time to keep up with the Joneses, aka my blogging schedule, I mean keeping up with past Isaac's arbitrary wellness goal of blogging at least once a week (ish). This is a wellness goal because I like writing, and am sadder when I don't do it regularly. I'd like to do it more regularly, but it still doesn't feel like the right time for that. I've got textbooks to read and essays to write. But some day, I want to focus more on this part of my life. I'm looking forward to it.

Last week was a little lighter, and so I got a day to take care of little tasks. It always feels nice doing that, like another form of self care. Kind of like cleaning up one's room, except the room is kind of inside my head, my running list of things to do. Though I have handily put it outside my head, via my todo list. Still, I have to look at it each week and sigh at how many items are on it, many of them simple and quick things that I could do easily, but just aren't important enough, against some of the bigger and longer immediate things.

Maybe I should just do a few each day, in the morning, kind of like a warm up for a test, doing some of the easy questions first, to build confidence. Sounds fun, actually.

In any case, I've been thinking about how some of these not-urgent project, like cleaning my rooms, would make a big difference in my life experience, even though any particular day they are not super important. So, today the plan is to tackle my bedroom. I think I should be able to get it pretty much entirely put away. I'm going to try setting time limits for the various parts of that task, because doing so helps me keep up a quick pace and not get hung up on little details, which is downside of my careful and thoughtful nature. It's been the most effective thing I've tried for getting my weekly review shorter, so I thought I should try it with other things.

Really, my weekly reviews used to take anywhere from 2 to 5 hours, average maybe 3 at first, then I tried to streamline it as much as I could and got down to 2.5, occasionally close to 2. Then I just decided: I'm going to only give myself an hour to do it, and whatever isn't done in that time, isn't going to get done that week. It put me in a whole different mindset, and I found myself just ignoring things I otherwise would have spent time on, thinking they were important. It's kind of like the last minute packing when you're moving: you spend the weeks leading up to it, packing things carefully, and then, the day before the move, you realize there's a huge amount left to do, and you just start throwing things in boxes. Yes, it's a bit of a pain when you're unpacking, but it's so much more time efficient, you still end up saving a bunch of time.

When you have unbounded time, it's easy to get caught up in things. When you have very limited time, priorities become much clearer, almost instantly.

I wonder if it is similar to the research on goal setting theory. Here's an interesting and practical fact for you: If you set easy goals, you put in less effort. When you set challenging (but doable) goals, it pulls out more effort from you, and you do a better job. It may also feel better, accomplishing the streach goals.

OK, enough thoughts, what's going on in my life concretely: I'm getting excited about my internship, which is fast approaching. I'm enjoying my classes, as I feel like I'm learning about useful stuff (marriage/couples/family, and crisis & trauma), we split a whole bunch of wood on the weekend, so we're all ready for fireplace season, and the garden is still producing, though it's starting to wind down.

I found a cherry tomato that looked like a face, especially once I added two dots for eyes.

I had a dream that the groundhog under our shed had babies, and some of the roof of their giant warren had collapsed, showing a swimming pool sized underground den, connected to tens of holes and tunnels throughout the yard, with cute groundhog babies, but the mother was human sized, bipedal, and had a mouth full of nightmarish long needle teeth. It was a little scary in the dream but I find my subconscious hilarious in hindsight. I guess I'm worried about the groundhog :D

OK, that's all for now, take care, and watch out for the groundhog ;-)

Design Web, Renewal of Creative Path, and the Goal behind the Goal.

 OK, I've got one more thing I want to talk about. I did something, called a 'design web', for my general project of wanting to be more efficient and effective with my time. I'm not sure I can do justice to what "design web" is, so I'll share some links that describe it more, if you're interested. I'd recommend this podcast episode were Jon Young and Looby MacNamara (the creator of design web) talk about it: https://rss.com/podcasts/trackingconnections/1870362/#transcript

That also has some other links, to Looby's website and such, but I really like the feel of how they express it together, rather than just Looby, so that's my rec.

In a nutshell, it's kind of using the intelligence of nature and Permaculture design principles and some good vibes to help you design and create whatever you want to bring into existence. With the express intention being to help people who want to make something good in the world, actually turn their ideas and dreams into reality. It's good for specific projects, rather than trying to change your whole life completely. I'm sure there are lots of frameworks that could help one do this, but I like the feel of this one, it resonates with me.

In anycase, that was all just setting the stage. The point of this post is that I used it for my "TIME" project, and though I got some nice specific useful concrete steps that I've started taking, I also got a bit of fascinating insight. That's what I want to talk about.

Why do I care about being efficient with my time? With getting "more" done? It's not for its own sake, though sometimes it feels like I'm just doing it without a deeper intention. But when I really settled down, there was a mixture of feeling like I wasn't justifying my existence, unless I "did more" with my life, every day, and a desire to live my life such that, at the end of the day, or if I hypothetically was about to drop dead, I could look back at how I had lived it, with satisfaction, that I had spend my time well.

And that further boiled down to my desire to live a meaningful life. At which point, it becomes clear that it's not actually about time management. It's about if I'm taking meaningful steps towards a meaningful goal. There was a previous process I'd gotten interested in, led by Jon Young but not created by him, that was all about getting in touch with the things that really lit you up, made you feel connected. I had started it but never finished. And I realized, that getting clear on what a meaningful life looks like for me, is really the crux of my search for good 'time management.' Though doing my work efficiently is relevant, what is much more relevant is what work I am doing. This is a trope in time management and productivity, but it's also true: you can be moving very swiftly and efficiently in the wrong direction, and then that efficiency is not particularly useful towards your actual goals and priorities.

Realizing this, I did two things: one, I decided to finish that process (Jon calls it "renewal of creative path" or ROCP for short, though I don't know if that title is the best descriptor of it.) And two, I decided to finish it really quickly, and not carefully. I could always go back and refine it, but if I tried to get it to 'perfect' it would continue to not get finished, and thus be giving me zero benefit.

So I did. And I like how it feels, to be refreshing myself on that vision I have of a meaningful life, each morning. It's not perfect, but it's much better than nothing.

I bet you want to know what it is, don't you? I'm going to be a bit mischievous and not tell you though. It feels a bit too personal right now, like being seen in public in my underwear. So for now it's just for me. Perhaps as I get more comfortable with it, I'll be willing to share more.

OK! Feeling good, you're caught up on my life, I'm (partially) caught up with my blog backlog, and on to the next thing! Today is designated, among other things, as my 'do lots of small but important tasks to declutter my task list' so I'm off to some of those other things. It feels good, as a lot of them have gone stale and gotten quite overdue, as I tend to focus on the big, immediate tasks most of the time.

Satcharitra

Related to the vibhuti I got from my friend, I decided to read a book about the original Sai Baba, who lived in Shirdi, over 7 days, which is a traditional kind of ritual/vow from that tradition, to undertake, when you wanted to achieve something. Previously I had done a different thing, a series of fruit fasts and readings over... 7? 9? weeks, on Thursdays, with a different request in mind, and I ended up getting not just what I asked for, but much more than I could have thought to ask. The person who sent me the vibhuti suggested it, and it felt right, so I did it. It was quite an enjoyable experience. The writing of this book, the "Sai Satcharitra" is very dated, clearly translated, with a bunch of archaic, unidentifiable words and long difficult to remember names of various people, but it is a collection of stories about this miraculous saint, and despite the awkwardness, I found it quite moving. 

And reading that much every day meant I was putting my attention on something very positive and uplifting, instead of tv, video games, or fantasy novels on tape. The ultimate effect on me was really positive, and so I even decided to do a second 7 days, after finishing the first. It also collected a whole bunch of synchronicities, some of which were that it happened to end on Dasara (aka Vijayadashami), the final day after the 9 days of Navratri (the forms of the Divine Mother), which was also the day on which Shirdi Sai left his body. And that happened to fall of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year.

It made me want to spend more of my free time, reading things with a really good energy to them. My main spiritual teacher repeatedly said 'show me your company and I will show you your character' or something similar, and Albert Bandura, the famous social psychologist, says basically the same thing and proves it in his research. In the absence of real live saints and great people to hang out with, the media you consume also ends up counting as your 'company' and lets you spend time with the great minds and hearts of our generation and the past, which would not otherwise be available to you.

So, the kind of things I do (and read) during my down time, has been on my mind. After the 7 days, I didn't want it to end, so I decided to read at least a little bit from the Satcharitra every day, but just reading a single page doesn't have quite the same oomph to it, though it's better than nothing.

OK, I think that will do for this post.

Vibhuti

 One of my Sai Baba friends sent us some sacred ash that had manifested somewhere. Actually, apparently it's part of a mixture that they kept adding too, when they went to various places where it had been manifesting. When it starts running out, they mix what's left with some of the regularly created sacred ash that the Sai organization distributes occasionally. This was prompted because they are close friends and have been hearing about the trials and tribulations as Suzannah and I try to get pregnant. This is a first for me, as I've seen pictures with sacred ash (they call it vibhuti) that had manifested on it, even a picture that had manifested an 'amrit' substance that was like rose flavored honey. Apparently it had manifested in such quantities that they had to keep it over a bowl to collect it all. 

Running into those things really rocked my world. I had such an odd sense of cognitive dissonance. Something was happening, or rather, had happened, that was totally outside my experience and understanding of the world, how it worked. It was much easier to imagine these things were just being made up by the people who shared them, but that explanation just didn't tally with the facts. I am a fair judge of character, particularly when I've known someone for a while, and it was extremely unlikely that all of these people were making these things up. None of these occurrences, that I ran into and seemed real, were publicized in any way. It was in fact extremely hard to find them. It was only by talking to people and asking about it, that I was able to find them. There was no money involved, and there wasn't even a big hubub about them. And these were people of the highest moral caliber. The idea of any, let alone all of them lieing and intentionally deceiving people would be deeply bizarre. 

And the people who experience them pretty much universally don't put high importance on them. Love, service, and transformation of heart and character are the kinds of things they value, with the manifestations and miracles more just a confirmation of their faith. I can understand that perspective now, but at the time it seemed mind-boggling. The fact that the laws of physics and how the universe worked was being turned on its head and what that meant about the existential purpose of life seemed pretty important to me at the time. But looking back, I can see how it was more important as a calling card, something to draw me towards a source of positive transformation and good teachings, and to strengthen my faith in a very real, active, and benevolent God.

In any case, I never got any sacred ash to use myself. It seemed wrong to smear my hand on the pictures where I saw it. So having some now is a novel experience. Suzannah is taking a little mixed with water regularly. Can't hurt right? Nothing to do but wait and see.

Stump burning, Autumn weather, The double-edged sword of technology.

 So, today is my designated "do a bunch of small quick tasks to get them off my "to do" list. One of those tasks is by blog backlog. Looks like I've got about six, so I'm not going to do all of that at once, but maybe I'll do 2.

First off, it's finally getting cooler here. Amazing that it took till mid October for that. But I'm happy with this time of year. Not too hot, not too cold, but cool enough that the bugs are dying down.

Suzanna just tried burning a tree stump last night and it was pretty cool, it really worked, and kept smoldering overnight. We saturated the soil around it in a circle to make sure it didn't spread, and it had rained recently, and in fact rained last night, but not enough to put it out. In fact, I'm going to check on it right now... Yeah, still smoldering. It kind of reminds me of an incense stick, with the coals just slowly burning through the wood. In a dryer, more loamy soil, or with dry plant material on top, I'd be more worried, but we have green grass and clay soil, so the risk seems very low. And it tool a lot less energy and todo than using a big noisy stump grinder. Just a bit more time.

I feel like that is often the case: you can do things faster, with more advanced technology and more energy. But you can do it sustainably, if you're just willing to go slower.

I've been thinking recently, about how technology keeps promising to give us more time, by doing things for us automatically or faster, but then we just fill up our time with other stuff, some of which is generated by the technology itself. AI is not new, in this respect. I wonder if there is a way to make use of the technology that is truly helpful, without getting caught up in all the stuff that takes away much of the time it is supposed to give you back.

And some of the stuff it takes away is physical activity, which is not necessarily what you want to be doing less of. Being sedentary is not good for us physically, mentally, or emotionally. Same for being cut off from nature. I think it's possible to take the good and leave the bad, but it requires a lot more discipline, you end up fighting against your environment, rather than letting it shape your behavior naturally in a healthy way. Maybe this is an area for future jobs: designing technology and modern life in such a way that it encourages healthy behavior, rather than encouraging unhealthy behavior and disconnection.

OK, I'll end here and start another one.

One Perfect Step. ROCP. What is Behind My Obsession with Time? St(r)uck.

 I'm going to try and keep this short, but I just had a poignant thought.

After going through a deep design process for clarity around all my time stuff (wanting to use it better, more efficiently, etc.) I got down to the fundamental point that I don't care about time itself, but I care about it because I want to live a life without regrets. I want to live a life that feels deeply meaningful. (As do we all, or just about all, I would think). Therefor, I don't want to waste time. Time waste is life waste, as my Teacher says.

But that's not even the poignant thought, deep though it is. Having come to this clarity, it then followed that the most essential missing thing was having a clear vision of what a meaningful life looked like (and felt like) for me. I had, several months ago. I guess almost a year ago at this point, started a process with Jon Young (a very skillful and inspiring student/mentee of Tom Brown Jr., among other teachers he learned from) that he called "Renewal of Creative Path" (herafter ROCP). That was in essence skillfully attempting to uncover the answer to that question, along the lines of "what really lights you up?" but with many more elements and angles to it for depth and completeness.

I spent a lot of time on it, because it seemed so essential and important to me. And then, I ran out of time, and never finished it, ergo never got to actually use it.

Here I am, again reminded that the key missing piece right now, is that output from ROCP, and I'm st(r)uck by how my desire to "do it right/well" made the process take so long, that I never ended up finishing and being able to use it at all. A kindergarten level of skill and attention span would have been better than that, if it had at least produced some usable product at the end.

So, I'm rededicated to finishing it up, in as haphazard a way as necessary, to actually get it done and usable.

But also, it makes me reflect and wonder how many elements of my life have a shadow of that pattern in it: seeking perfection, and thus ending up with nothing, rather than accepting mediocrity, as the price for actual forward momentum. I need to remind myself, that I don't need to be perfect. Especially right away. Improvement can happen, as long as I'm moving forward, but if I'm paralyzed in place, waiting for that one perfect first step to reveal itself, nothing happens.

See my shpiels on 50 pounds of pottery for another perspective on this, and the importance of balance and common sense, along with Aristotle's vices of excess and deficiency, for cautions on taking this advice too far and thus making it harmful rather than helpful. (you don't want zero deliberation and planning before acting, you just want the right amount.)