Momento Mori II

Well, I'm feeling kind of stiff and creaky, but I've almost finished my final assignment. And I got some pretty lazy days in too. And lots of time with my parents, which is super nice. There are a lot of posts I'd like to make, if I had the energy, but I don't, today.

I've got some nice backlog too. Stuff I took pictures of that I want to write about and post from months and months ago. But for now it's just a wave and a wink. I'll be starting up my internship with a fourth-grade class come Tuesday. That's intimidating. But I won't have classes of my own at Antioch until somewhere around mid-January, so the first few weeks should be kind of easy, with plenty of time to think, research, and plan.

I've noticed myself feeling a bit more busy and distracted that usual. I think this is because, for about the last month, as I've been focusing really hard on getting all the stuff done that needs to get done, I've been listening to Harry Potter on my phone as I go on walks or clean my room or such. On the one hand, it saves a bit of time, because I desperately need to take my mind off the not super interesting tasks at hand like writing up bibliographies and editing and formatting, and do fun stuff, like read great books. And I also need to stay somewhat active, to be happy, and this way I can do both. But there's just something about it that feels like my mind is overcrowded. Or too noisy.

I enjoy having a quiet head. I enjoy my time to ponder. And I feel like it is a bit of a safety measure. When I have time to quiet down, thoughts that were otherwise suppressed have a chance to bubble up. Often I'll remember things I've been wanting (or need) to do. Sometimes I'll realize I've been going about something all wrong. Sometimes I'll be confronted with some uncomfortable feelings that I then have a chance to heal. That last one certainly isn't fun, and is probably why a lot of people try to keep themselves distracted, busy, playing music all the time, checking their phone, anything to keep from having to listen to those quiet plaintive voices within.

The downside of always keeping yourself distracted is it usually means life feels shallow. If you're always busy, you never have a chance to ask yourself how you'd feel on your deathbed. You know, whether you'd be satisfied with your life or not. And if not, what would it take, what would you need to do differently, in order to feel content with how you're living your life.

That's a good question to ask. Not just once, but with frequency. At least for me, I find it helps me keep perspective--you know, not get worried about the little stuff, and really focus in on the big stuff. What's important, compared to death? Not my grades. Not what acquaintances think about me. Not my stuff, not any of my luxuries like hot water and easy entertainment.

What matters is my friends, my family. The love I've shared. The smiles I've created. The joy and appreciation and gratitude I've experienced. The suffering I've eased. The minds I've inspired. The sacrifices I've made for good and for God and for Right. The acts of kindness, to others and to myself. These things shine out in the darkness of death like stars in the night, undiminished by the void. If I approach death with these jewels in hand, I approach without fear and without regret. Without begging for a do-over, for just a little more time to make things right. Because that do-over is my life already. This remembering that I will die; it's like a version, however miniature, of a near-death experience. It puts me cheek to cheek with the reaper, and then I get to have my second chance, my extra year.

And I don't even have to beat him at a chess match.


Turn your eventual and inevitable end into inspiration to live well now and a compass to show you how.

One of my teachers has said something along the lines of this: "there are two things you should stay always aware of: God, and death."

And another misquote from memory, "I'm grateful for the fact of my death, because it has made my life possible."

Wishing you the best possible life,
Isaac

a different kind of mad cow disease, and sleep deprivation therapy

Normally I have a post up by Tuesday, but I'm still plugging away at my overdue projects. I'm quite happy because I just handed in two of them today, right on time (well, on time in terms of the due date I set for myself for the informal extension.) One of which was the biggest. Tomorrow I have to do almost all of another, medium-small one (it will probably be a long day, like today.) And then I will just have the one final one to do. I think, as it gets further and further into my break, my standards are dropping a bit. How much does it matter if I give 110% to x paper? What matters is how I'm working towards my goal of becoming a master teacher.

But I will not do a poor job. In fact, the slight dropping in standards is perhaps a good thing, bringing them down from the excessively high, inefficient, perfectionistic levels, to reasonable levels.

Tomorrow will be interesting. I realize I've been getting into a later bedtime, later waking up routine, and I think the only way to change that is to force myself to wake up early, so I'll actually be tired at night. But that may affect my ability to focus a bit.

However, sleep levels have little effect on scholastic performance, says a meta-study on the subject. Fascinating. But perhaps not showing the whole story. Just like exercise having only a small positive effect. But that's only looking academically. It perhaps has a much larger effect, in terms of school being a positive experience, and life in general. And I have suspicions that there are a lot of factors that have minor effects on academic performance but major effects on other areas, novel thinking, fundamental behavioral chance, perhaps moral or metacognitive development. Prefrontal lobe stuff.

An interesting and encouraging discovery: I seem to be getting much better at anti-procrastination self-talk and behavior.

The normal procrastination voice goes like this:
"Oh no! Not this work again! I have no idea what I'm doing! I don't want to do this! Suck! Waaaaaaaa!"

And the new voice replies, "The pain you are feeling is from avoiding doing the work. It will almost entirely go away once you start. Unless you keep telling yourself it's awful and you're horrible at it. But you can remedy that by reminding yourself that almost nobody really knows what they're doing. Most people who you think are doing just fine, are in the very same situation as you, feeling like they don't really know what to do. Just make it up. Do the best you can think of, it will probably be fine, and if something's not good, you can fix it. Chill, don't worry. Experience has shown this to be an effective solution, for just about everything. Maybe don't use it for surgery or flying a plane, but otherwise, you're golden."

And then I give myself very frequent breaks, and I end up fine.

But I am getting damn tired of day after day in front of a computer screen. This does not feel like a productive use of my life. It's getting me street cred, and papers I can wave at potential employers, and the ability to produce more such papers. It makes me feel like I'm turning into this cow animal that chews on book pages and eventually poops out theses and research papers, not really aware or caring about the process, and the end results feel about as meaningful.

Except cows are pretty chill and this process is stressful, so the cow in this analogy is maybe hyped up on coffee.



But it's not helping me teach very much, so my patience is wearing thin, as the fatigue mounts. Thus the gradual dropping in personal standards.

I feel no guilt about this because I'm pretty sure this thesis (maybe there's a reason the plural of the word rhymes with feces?) experience, accompanied by growing apathy spurred on by mental emotional and physical exhaustion is a requirement to be accredited as a graduate school, and thus my experience is not just typical but mandated.

Anyways, it's actually quite late now, and this has become a long post. Erm. Definitely have gotten out of my nice early rising routine. Well, that will change tomorrow, when my subconscious realizes I won't just let it sleep in anymore! Mwahahahaha! I will rule it with an iron fist!


-I Out

(Perhaps I should take a break from writing papers after tomorrow?)

Desire for communal grooming, Fear of pizza the hut, and Victory

I have just finished the first and probably smallest of my four main assignments due Thursday (and Friday, I suppose, but I have class Thursday, so I won't have much time to work on them.

Anyways, I just wanted to say:
https://youtu.be/4n0fcGEI_aE

(or for those of you who didn't watch:)

YATTA!

(which means roughly "I did it! Woo!")


Well, I still have to go over it for editing. But it feels quite done. One load off my mind, and now I can focus on the others. And the biggest project is off my mind, not because I'm done, but because I ain't doing any more on it until I finish the other smaller projects, so I'm resigned to asking for an extension for that. So I've got a big presentation to prepare for class, a small presentation to prepare for class, and a medium sized project to complete. Oh, and another large project that I'm also resigned to asking for an extension for.

But I feel quite good, actually. I've been working diligently, for more than a week. Not straining, taking breaks when I need then to keep from going mushy in the brain, but working hard, and it feels good.

I'm dreading break, in a way, because, after I finish all the stuff I'm going to have to get extensions on, the pressure's going to be off, and I might just blob out into a Jabba the Hut kind of creature until school starts again.



I've got to figure out how to keep some pressure on, perhaps with some goals? Oh, I'll take a break, don't worry, but a day or three should be good. Maybe I'll take it easy-er. But I'm discovering that I like focused, intense, but balanced work. And I seem pretty good at not going too hard, sat least lately. Slow and steady.

I would love to see my Fairfield friends. I miss youuuuuuuu. But it's a two-day drive both ways... And if I've only got a week off...

Oh, yeah, about that: technically school doesn't start till mid-January, but it's been recommended to start my internship as soon as elementary school starts, since that will mean I get to end the internship sooner, and that is really good news, as there will be all sorts of end-of-term assignments coming due, and it would be good to have the rest of the week free to do them, as I'm doing now. That would be the smart move.

Though, I may have to wait anyways, depending on how long my background check takes. Oh, I guess that's news too. Unless you're a teacher, then you already know: in order to teach, you need a background check (at least in a public school, I don't know how private schools work.) I went in and got my fingerprints done yesterday. It was cool. No ink anymore, it's all digital.


I think I need more human contact. I was really enjoying having the person holding my fingers down to the machine. Just having someone hold my hand. As a kind of reserved guy, I don't really see a good way to get regular, non-awkward hugs where I'm living. My monkey brain craves communal grooming.

Maybe I should ask my classmates if they want to take turns doing lice checks as an excuse for some platonic physical contact. Teachers are all about lice checks, right? My common sense meter is telling me this is well into the "weird" zone. Probably just weird enough to get a laugh, and have people think I'm joking. Am I joking? I do think it's funny. But I'd also be totally into doing it, and would prefer that outcome, weird as it may be.

I just read somewhere that loneliness was worse for your health than smoking. SMOKING! Let's see if I can quickly find the article...
Yup, there's a bunch, here's one, http://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/about-loneliness/

Loneliness is worse for you than obesity, and about the same as 15 cigarettes a day, apparently.
This is why I'm considering living in Fairfield IA, despite the fact that I'm a nature nut and Iowa has the least wildland of any US state, if I'm remembering my facts correctly. Your peeps are really important to your mental and physical wellbeing. I do ok, when I'm not cramming for my final weeks of the semester, but I've got to work to keep in touch. I'd really prefer to have a nice social support network right next to me.

Thoughts floating in my head for the future. For now, I'm just impressed that I'm soldiering along, despite that.

But I predict THAT rubber band is the one that's going to snap back hardest, as soon as the pressure of all these assignments is off. And that's the place I'm going to let myself indulge over break. If I can. Phone conversations are way better than nothing, but they are poor substitutes for living next door. Or even better, in the same building.

Welp, I've got a schedule to keep. Tomorrow's going to be a big day of cardboard cut-outs for presenting, until I can actually finish making the real things. I feel like it's a giant cardboard cut out of a house, that I'm going to show to everybody, with the real house behind it still missing some rooms, it's roof, and a paint job.

Choice and Light

As much as you can (and you do have some choice in the matter, though not complete choice) choose happiness. Spend time with things and people you love, that make you smile. If you notice yourself getting serious and frowny, check yourself. Life is too short. I have a friend who've been through Vietnam, on the ground, and they are one of the funniest people I know. Bad things happening are no excuse. It is a courageous, warrior-of-light act, to find ways to laugh, in the face of darkness.

We can't always do what we want, but we can practice liking what we have to do. One of the things that helps me with that is not taking things too seriously, if they're not really important, in the grand scheme of things. And I decide that based on what I will look back on, on my death bed, as really important. Mainly the love I've shared and the way I've lived.

There is a time for sadness and mourning. Perhaps even an occasional time for repentance. But there is no good time for despair or shame. Fight them!

Fight the darkness with light, not more darkness. Fight it with love, laughter, and the dear people around you who care about you. Your circle of light. If you are reading this, if you've gotten to here, it is almost certain that you have at least a few of those. Call on them for support, when you need it, and let them know you're there to support them, when they need it. Your friends care about you. Sometimes it is a brave act, just to admit you could use some help, and reach out for it.

Here's a dose of smiles for the day. Live strong, live love ;)

Fear or Excitement?

There is no possible way I can get all the things done that are due by December 15/16th. (The end of my semester.) I need to take my lowest possible acceptable quality of work, and then cut it down further by 3/4ths, and I can probably achieve that, if I work really hard. I don't know if I am capable of reining myself in, though. Which 3/4ths do I cut? How do I cut it, without mangling the end result? Can I force myself to put down the pencil, so to speak, after doing one-fourth of a satisfactory job, so I can do at least one-fourth of a satisfactory job, on my next assignment?

Being afraid of failing at grad school seems ridiculously unimportant, in the larger scheme of things. Yet telling myself this obvious truth does not stop my heart from racing like my ancestors did when he was in the jungle at night, something large and unseen stalking him in the darkness.

Still, I can't spend every waking moment working. I've got too many days to go. I need to plan for endurance, not a sprint. So I'm going to make myself some dinner (I almost wrote breakfast) and try to decompress for a little bit before going to sleep.

Really, this is the perfect situation, I should be excited: I've just been reading and thinking about growth mindset, taking risks, and self-confidence. Here's my chance! It's only scary until I'm not afraid of failure. And if I am ready to learn from my mistakes, then there's no reason to be afraid.



Full speed ahead,
Isaac