"Tuesdays coming, did you bring your coat?"
"I live in a giant bucket."
(quote from a weird nonsense cartoon)
In completely unrelated but actually coherent news, today was my first day of my teaching internship at a school. 4th Grade. I feel totally overwhelmed by the amount of skill and knowledge I'm lacking. I suppose it's a good sign that I'm aware of this? Maybe it's Socratic? Knowing that I know nothing?
But it's very unsettling, to be teaching and feel like I really don't have a good grasp on how to do it well. I suppose that is how almost all jobs start out. Heck, that's how my first semester of school was. And now I'm starting something else totally new, just as I was getting comfortable with the school routine. I think this is supposed to train me to be comfortable and balanced and confident about being perpetually uncomfortable and unbalanced and new to what I'm doing. I don't think Antioch planned the curriculum that way, but I'm sure the Universe did.
I'm just going to get it out there and say it. I am determined and committed to becoming a master teacher. I knew I wanted to master something, but I was having a hard time settling on something. I wanted to do something really worthwhile, and something really suited to me. And I've decided on teaching. Not that I feel it's really suited to me now, as I'm feeling very much like a duck at a human party, but I think that matters very little. Mastery is not something you're born with. It's got some degree of aptitude, but mostly it's just persistent effort, well directed. Sure, with some people their upbringing gave them a significant leg up in certain skills, but I don't think that happened with me, unless you count being silent and sitting in front of glowing screens for long periods of time. (ah my wasted youth). Or sitting reading for long periods of time (a bit better, in retrospect) or sitting in meditation for long periods of time (also better than the screens, but then again what isn't?)
In any case, social accountability. You people know this commitment now, so I will be embarrassed if I attempt to renege on it. you must wave your fingers admonishingly if I do so. The thought that this will happen, will keep me going when I'm feeling incompetent or scared or low on hope.
But I don't think I will. I have in fact decided not to, and I rarely decide things firmly one way or the other, because when I do, I really try to stick with it. I feel strongly about that.
In any case, to be more specific, teaching character. I'd say spirituality too, but in public schools I'll stick with approaching it from the perspective of character, unless invited to do more. But I'll keep teaching the spiritual side in other avenues, as I can. And of course in schools I'll be teaching the other useful knowledge that's standard fair and necessary for getting a good job etc. That is important too. Necessary. But not primary. I want to do a really good job with that as well, if I'm doing normal teaching. But my passion is the other stuff. Self-confidence, compassion, right action.
Welp, past time for bed. How do these posts start with the intention of being a few sentences and become this?!
Gotta get up at 5 and leave the house by 6:30. It's the first day and I already need a break. Hoo boy.
Once more into the Breach!
-IO
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