My blog posts have been getting further from the weekend. Generally that's a sign that I'm really busy/overwhelmed. This is true of right now. It's not a horrible, super stressed overwhelmed. All the things I have to do feel either within my ability, or else not dire if I fail a few times before getting them right. But there's only time to do about one tenth of the things on my list.
My main current concern is if I will get into the Montessori training program for this summer. My application is late-ish, and the teachers who are writing my recommendation letters are all super busy teaching, so I likely won't have those submitted (thus completing my application for consideration) until tomorrow at the earliest, and I got an email saying it was first come, first served, and there were less than ten spots remaining. 😮
It's not the end of the world if i don't get in, but if I'm going to be teaching Montessori, I should get training in Montessori, and I haven't applied to any other programs. I'm sure I can figure something out, but I'd rather not just take an online course, if possible.
In any case, I've been exposed to some excellent discipline from the teachers I'm working with, I'm about to go to a class that the main teacher is hosting for parents on positive discipline, and it's just generally on my mind. I feel like the culture that I grew up in and identified with was spiritual, but also a bit... I guess it would fall on the permissive side of the permissive - authoritarian spectrum. And both sides of that spectrum are a loosing choice. In fact I'd say they are just two sides of the same coin. I knew there was an option on a totally different spectrum, But I didn't have much experience with it. Something that was kind and strict. Which looks different that just "I love you, but do your homework now or I'll spank you."
I've been exposed to people who have had that kind of discipline growing up, and the results are impressive. These people are kind, genuine, super skilled/hard-working and generally comfortable in their own skin. I've even seen some classrooms and teachers where this different way of disciplining seemed to be happening, to various degrees. But seeing it done and being able to do it yourself is a totally different thing.
To be able to come up with words on the spot, and know when you need to do something, and what to do, requires a fundamental change in how you think. It requires building awareness of children and situations and self. It requires deep thought, but you don't have time for that deep thought in the moment, when Johnny just kicked Bobby and something needs to be done right away, so you need to be reflecting, and planning for future occurrences. Or somehow practicing in non-crazy circumstances.
My teaching situation is pretty great for that. I'm surrounded by good role models, and there is stuff going on all around me, relatively minor stuff, so when I don't get something right it's not the end of the world. I have support and I have space to practice. But learning this is a long practice. I suspect it will be months of conscious effort learning and applying and correcting myself. But the result is super worth it, and I keep it at the front of my mind: children (and eventually adults) that are as kind, confident, generally awesome as the kids I've met who've gone through this kind of education or had these kinds of parents.
I wish this was a post that had the answer to the question in the title, but this is more to say: this is the question I'm working on currently. Considering my past successes with my main goals, I feel pretty confident I will eventually achieve my goal of being an excellent teacher who changes lives. But I have no idea how long it will take. Some of my long term goals have taken over a decade to finally bear visible fruit. But so many of them have by now: my search for truth, my quest for life to stop sucking, my goal of finding a good job/profession that fits me, my long, long journey towards a life-partner. All these have been fulfilled for me with surprising completeness. I've got a good track record, (though not a good speed record.) And though it feels like the eventual successes were a series of walls I banged my head against until an angel descended from heaven and gave me the key on a velvet pillow, it seems like me doing my part (the head banging) fairly routinely results (eventually) in getting the key I'm searching for, through what feels like providence.
And that really excites me, because I've already done little bits of teaching that have made meaningful differences in students lives. Just little things. But they were so rewarding, to think that I'd be able to do that with regularity makes me roll over in surrender and gratitude to God like a dog exposing it's belly for more pats. That is very much a life worth living. And for the first time in my life, I'm starting to have a general confidence in myself and my abilities. Part of which is the belief that I can do what I set my . mind to do. This is a HUGE change, another angle descending with another key, and it's hard to overemphasize how big and deep a change this is. Though at the same time, it is fairly subtle. It hasn't gotten rid of my challenges, but it's mostly eliminated the angst that accompanied them, and that self-doubt and worry were such deep part of who I was that I never imagined it would be possible to not have them. I couldn't visualize what that would mean or feel like, when I tried.
I think maybe the stuff I've been doing in the last few short years has been really, really good for transforming myself. Better than what I had been doing before that. Faster, more efficient, more powerful. I need to look back at it and try to figure out what the biggest factors were, in my rapid and profound transformation, because if it works for other people and I can bottle it and sell it (figuratively. I'm not going to tap my spinal fluid) then I've got an amazingly effective, efficient, powerful gift I can share with my students or anyone else who's interested.
I remember wanting to teach spiritual stuff in the past, but all I had was a bunch of book learning, highly intellectual and unless in practice, and I was a mess, so clearly I either hadn't done what I was suggesting or it didn't work. And even when things started working for me, it was pretty hit or miss, full of superstitious fluff that I couldn't separate out from what was actually making good stuff happen, and even the good stuff seemed really slow-acting. I knew this, and didn't want to teach spiritual stuff until I felt like I actually had something good to share with people. Like I had created a life that I'd actually wish on someone else. Which was not the case until recently.
When I have some time, I'd like to sit down and get clear on what actual most important elements of my transformation are, and then find some people to use as guinea pigs to see if its universally effective.
On the other hand, the slow start may be inevitable. Perhaps there is no shortcut through the mucky swamp, and it's like a car stuck in deep mud, revving as best as it's capable of, and still barely moving, until it gets onto dry land and the same energy in produces huge acceleration. I suspect both are true somehow. Sometimes getting unstuck must take a while, and sometimes the right approach can save you years or lifetimes.
OK, I really need to get to other stuff now. Stay Crunchy, and pursue your dreams with relentless persistence and humble faith. You'll get there.
-IOut
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| (painting by Akiane) |
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