1) pleasant now and painful later, 2) painful now and pleasant later, 3) ????? 4) profit

Currently I am working on a difficult dialectic. I've talked about that word before right? The idea of a synthesis between two seemingly opposing polarities/viewpoints. One of those poles is "discipline." I'm not actually sure what exactly the other pole is, something like "have fun now." Maybe "hedonism"? That's kind of got a negative connotation though. Enjoyment in the present, what feels good now.

It came up because of one of my all time favorite hang-ups, a real classic: 'go to bed on time.'

The problem with this is that, when I try and push myself to do it, I often fail, and then feel bad about failing. I fail because, in the moment (say, 8:30 or 9 pm) I decide I don't actually want to go to bed now, I want to stay up doing what I've started doing. I give in to that impulse, enjoy it in the moment, and then curse myself for falling for it again, which leads to not being able to wake up early without incurring a sleep debt. Which is what I really want. I sleep better when I sleep earlier, and I love being awake for the sunrise, and being able to get my daily maintenance behaviors in (meditation, exercise, my morning sit spot) without pushing back the beginning of my work day too late.

This is just one example of this behavior though. I think it kind of boils down to the dichotomy of delayed gratification vs. immediate gratification. Walter Mischel's "marshmallow experiment" and the 'willpower' he discovered is one of the biggest factors in the subsequent success of the five year old children, in all sorts of different areas, from academic achievement, to job success, to relationship satisfaction.

Yet, if I recall correctly, somewhere near the end of the book he talks about how a life devoid of enjoyment in the moment, a life of supreme willpower, could be very sad indeed, with no room left for enjoyment in the moment at all.

The issue I run up against, is something like that. When I try and exert willpower to create a desired long term outcome, not only do I not do it very well (I might be one of the kids who ate the marshmallow right away) but the very act of trying to exert willpower transforms my current experience into something kind of hard and angry and not joyful or playful. However, if I give up and just let my 'enjoy now' self direct things, I begin to feel an existential pain, as pressure slowly builds up about me not being of service to others or having a deeper meaning or purpose to my life. Just a shallow series of pleasant distractions.

So this is the false dichotomy I tend to get stuck in: either wishy-washy just go with the flow and do what feels good, or hard-nosed jaw-clenched constipation-faced straining to do what seems right. It reminds me of the issues I had with classroom management, of either being permissive, or too harsh, neither of which felt good or worked well.

I think I need a third way, something that is disciplined, but without anger or straining. Disciplined with kindness and compassion and flexibility, even as I hold steadily to my values and take the actions that feel right. Disciplined with a sense of play and relaxation and humor and ease.

So that is what I am reaching for, trying to feel out, though it feels like I'm blind and groping in the darkness for a pathway I feel certain must exist.

This is all made exponentially harder by social pressure. I wonder if people who are wishy-washy just seeking pleasure feel social pressure, and it's just me who experiences that as generally socially acceptable, but I don't tend to get push-back when I lean in to that side of the spectrum. However, I definitely get pushback when I lean into the other side, the discipline side. I wonder if this is because we are kind of a materialistic, consumerist culture? Maybe it's our cultural reaction to the puritan work ethic side of things that was ascendant earlier. Maybe it's just the subgroup I tend to live in.

Maybe it's just me, and I grew up with the hedonistic mode as my norm, and when I try to go into discipline mode, it gets noticeably wonkey, because I haven't spent much time around good, non-wonky role models of balanced discipline. And people are just reacting to that.

This very much makes me think of a repeated experience as a new teacher, who didn't know all the rules, starting to work with children, who knew the rules better than I did. Often, they would ask if they could do something, and I could tell, by how they were asking, that they thought they weren't allowed to do it. That cued me in when I otherwise wouldn't know, and I would say to wait until I'd checked in with someone who knew all the rules. Sometimes, it wasn't even a rule, it would have been fine, but because of how they asked, it made me think it somehow wasn't fine and so I ended up saying no.

In that same way, I notice people who have trouble saying no and asserting their boundaries, end up saying no in a way that feels offensive or profoking resistance in others. They are in effect creating a self-fulfilling prophocy, in how they assert boundaries. They think there will be a problem with it, and that makes their delivery cause a problem, wherease someone who felt supreamely comfortable enforcing their boundaries would do so without any of the drama or subtle cues that would provoke negative reactions.

I think I might be doing the same, with trying to be disciplined and enforce those boundaries in social situations. And actually, even just for myself. I think maybe I have an idea of what discipline looks like, and it's not a flattering image, and I'm making it come true.

So yeah, trying to create a different image and follow that.

And I wonder if I'll still get pushback even so? I guess I'll find out. I think I already have somewhat, I think when my behavior makes someone else get less of what they want, there is inevitably some pushback, as with any enforcement of a boundary, but I bet if it is done in a gentle way from that resolution of the dichotomy, it leads to that pushback dying out, rather than growing bigger.

I guess we'll see. I've got to do something though, or the pain of a life lived partially out of alignment with my values and sense of rightness will remain. Experimentation to ensue.

If you are curious where the title of this post comes from: https://www.reddit.com/r/OutOfTheLoop/comments/4x6lk8/where_does_the_step_3_step_4_profit_meme_come_from/

Wishing you well in your own search for meaning and resolution of internal conflicts,

Isaac

P.S. also wishing you a good holiday season, and warm time with friends and family and rest and recuperation, like a normal person ;-)

P.P.S. Also resolution of external conflicts, because there are certainly plenty of those in people's lives as well

Cat nap trap

I have a cat sleeping in my lap, so though I want to get on with my day, doing my morning run and finishing my meditations, I thought I'd get done what I could, while trapped in this cuddle puddle. I sometimes think of my interactions with my cats as a minor preparation for being a parent, making sure my kids get quality connection time with me on the regular.

That includes a blog entry (hopefully a second one will be on the way soon.)

Things I'm doing: enjoying winter break, woohoo! It's time. Yesterday was almost entirely me and my wife playing and having fun together. We did some lego's, played some games, both analog and digital, made a cozy fire, cuddled, made brunch, went for a walk in the winter weather, and generally had a cozy great time. Today, I'm trying to finish up my weekly review (which doesn't always happen every week, like this last week, so it can end up taking a bit longer) and try to finish planning for another cozy but more logistically complex get together with some friends. Once that's on track, I get to think a bit more about what I want to do during this blessed free time. I'd really like to get my house in order. not super tidy, but at least 80-20 things so everything has a home, which will make it much easier to put things away, and, if it's all in containers, easier to clean things (rather than having to move a bunch of individual items to vacuum or wipe down somewhere, I can just move a few boxes.)

Aside from that, there are a few general maintenance and life admin things, and then maybe a bit of discretionary reading/learning, as time allows. And of course, spending time with my wife especially (more of yesterday's goodness) and with friends. That's rather a lot, so I'm hoping to get clear on the most important things, so I do those first, since I don't expect to get to all of it.

Anyhoo, today I'm likely going to help my friend try and fix his very drafty house, so I should get on with things, ending this post and shifting Reiko off my lap.

With love and warmth, 

-I O

Connection, community, travel.

It's been a busy week, and last week, though technically a vacation, was full of travel and the disrupted routine that brings with it. That is to say: I didn't think to pause and blog, so it's been a while.

And now I'm about to drive for 8 hours to get to my 4 day residency in Ohio. The drive will start tomorrow morning. And I've got more prep to do before I go to bed tonight, and work of other sorts to do durning at least a few of the evenings during residency. So this skimpy post is all that's going to happen for a bit.

The trip and time with family was sweet. I've been doing a lot of learning, both in class but especially on my own and via teachers unrelated to my CMHC degree, about communication, connection, groups, and  belonging, and I feel like I've been growing in that respect, getting better at connecting heart to heart with people, and doing so more naturally.

And this upcoming residency is focused on group skills, so it's all very thematically appropriate.

See you on the other side.

-Isaac

the healthy bachelor cookbook, lego pictures, plants

I should just take some of those lego pictures that me and Suzannah created together for this post: 

Time to water the plants. Or finish watering them. Suzannah has collected enough to make parts of our house feel a bit like a greenhouse, 

which is nice, but makes watering take like an hour, if I'm being careful to water enough to soak through, but not so much as to spill over the saucers onto the floor.

I really like having a place for everything and everything in its place. I've been slowly working towards that, room by room, and when it is done, it feels great, and looks good. (no pictures on that because it's not done.)

I've been slowly learning to make more dishes. Last night, I made an asian sauteed vegetables and tofu dish in a mandarin orange sauce. It's pretty good!

I've even tried learning how to make salmon, though I don't eat it, to earn brownie husband points. I'm still not confident on cooking it correctly though, and I don't want to eat it, so it's harder to test it for not being overcooked.

I need to broaden my repertoire though. I've only got a few dishes for now, though I'm learning how to improvise on them with what I've got on hand. One of the problems is I'm so slow, it takes me like twice as long as a normal person to cook things. I like to wash my vegetables well, so that takes longer, and I'm not a fast chopper, though I also don't cut myself very often. I also can't multitask well, especially if it's a dish I'm just learning. All that adds up to a lot of time. It means I have to make enough for at least a second meal, if not a third, to make it worthwhile, which adds even more time. Hopefully I'll get faster as I continue to learn/practice.

I need a very specialized kind of cookbook, something that focuses on quick and easy to make meals, while also being tasty and healthy. So many recipes have so many extra, little finicky steps that make things take forever without adding that much to the dish. And don't explain why they are doing what they're doing, or how things can be modified. It makes it less useful. I want dishes that teach general principles that can be used universally, and modified, for example with different sauces, to give variety while not having to learn a whole new dish. And the principles behind the dishes, so I can get better at improvising. Also, vegetarian. Maybe I make this cookbook? I've already called my healthy but as simple and quick as possible philosophy "healthy bachelor cooking" so I guess that could be the name of it. Though I'm certainly not a bachelor anymore.

OK, I've rambled enough, and it's getting late. I'll probably see most of the people (which I estimate at 3) who read this, in a few days, so I can catch up more then. Though I technically have another post due in a day or two. I bet I'll have more to write about when I'm fresher, some time in the morning.

Warmly,

I

Thanksgiving in Boston, almost done with papers for the semester, yearly review approaching.

Quick one.

One more paper to write and I'm done for the semester! (except for the in-person residency dec 6th-11th). It's due this Sunday, but I'm busy all weekend with other stuff, so I've basically got to finish it tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I also basically have to pack tomorrow, for the same reasons.

Heading to Boston and the east coast for Thanksgiving.

Loving my cozy fireplace and using it lots. I no longer want to be in any other part of the house when it's cold out :D

Also enjoying my "legos for adults" sets that I've made with Suzannah. I should post some pictures of them, they're quite cute, and thematically relevant.

Once I'm done with school stuff, I've got to think about what I want to do with the rest of that time! Definitely some fun and some cozy time. But also I'd love to do some cleaning and organizing. And maybe some deeper reflecting, yearly review style. What are the goals that are really important to me? I'm getting more comfortable with my own finitude, and what that means is I have to be picky with what I put  my time into. And there are some things (like being creative) that are definitely worth putting my time into, but that I haven't been putting my time into, because I've been thinking "I'll get to it later, after I get all this less important stuff out of the way."

But I now don't think that's how it works. There will always be less important stuff in the way, you just need to press on, regardless, and make time for those important things.

Also, somewhat unrelated: sleep. Going to bed early, waking up early. I love doing that, but I haven't been. I've been more rested, but I haven't been getting up early. Or going to bed early (not super late either, but not early.) That's been a thing for me for a long time. But I've always mishandled it, being either too lax, or too hard on myself. I need a synthesis, that is both gentle on myself, and rigorous.

OK, I'll stop for now, since I've got another one to write to catch up.

Love, Unity, Peace. Pumpkins.

 I have a few more pictures to share, so I'll start with that:

My Shiva pumpkin with a strange top (I couldn't tell you a specific reason I cut it that way, it just seemed like a cool idea. I can confirm, it was quite satisfying to fit the three prongs into place, kind of like a giant key fitting into a lock.) In any case, I think it came out quite well.

Next up, our cats are getting cuddly due to the cold weather. This morning Reiko just wanted to curl up in my lap and periodically look up into my eyes while I pet her, purring like a gentle motor. It's easy practice for loving the God present in another. No words to distract, no emotional baggage, just simple affection. 

I like to take these moments to practice gratitude, and think about how the Creator is present in each of his(/her) creations, and to love and cherish and treat them with kindness, is to treat God with kindness. I think when we consciously remember to see the God in others, it uplifts them as well. It's like the Pygmalion effect, which I was introduced to and had illustrated to me in my teaching. If a teacher thinks a student is especially bright, they perform especially well. Same is true, unfortunately, if the teacher thinks they are not bright, or a trouble-maker. We all contain multitudes, and whichever facit we put our attention on, in others, is what we tend to enhance and strengthen, in those others.

And, perhaps an even deeper lesson, is we enhance those qualities we see, in ourselves as well. Thus it behooves us to see the best we can, in all those around us. (while avoiding being pollyanna and gullible, of course.)

And even further, others see us, and if they see us talking and thinking poorly about others, they assume we are doing that about them as well. To criticise is to throw mud on yourself. Or perhaps you could think of it as getting mud on yourself, when you attempt to throw it at someone else.

I could probably say something about this current election (or most elections, really) but I will refrain. My prayer is for peace and understanding among all of us, and a reaching of hands across the alienating and darkness filled divides that separate people from each other. We are all trying to do our best, we all have reasons for our feelings, our choices, and if we could only find each other in a meeting of minds and hearts, our unity could bring about positive change, even if we continued to hold differing views. The division and hatred weakens us, diminishes us, makes us more vulnerable to manipulation by bad actors. 

I know it's terribly hard, but the way out is through love, understanding, and peace, while holding to what our conscious tells us is right (not convenient or easy, but right.) And that is different than what hatred or fear tells us we should do. An example of one man doing this sucessfully, here.

In my recent readings, I came across a cool question, for guiding one's actions, it's something like this, "does this diminish or expand me?"

All the best, and I hope you find peace and love and good people to support you in this stressful time.

-Isaac

Fire, leaves, play

Coming up for air, and that means a blog. Or two, in this case.

I'll just give a few quick impressions, for this post:

Playing 'catch the leaf' as the wind blows them off the trees.

(This is a picture of all the leaves I caught during a particularly fruitful walk.)

Reveling in the fall colors.

Starting my first indoor fire in a fireplace (at least as far as I can remember)

I had no idea how much I enjoy creating, having, and tending a fire until I did this. It's absolutely magical. And especially nice as the fireplace insert makes burning wood actually energy efficient and not bad for the environment (it burns up most of the bad stuff that comes out in the smoke). And safe and mostly not smoky. I'm a convert.

As a side note, it's interesting, how 'magical' is one of my favorit words for something I really enjoy. I think that says something about me and what I like. It's true: I quite like magic.

Lots of things to enjoy in this fall season. Continuing to be deeply grateful for the extra time I have due to taking classes a bit slower. It just makes everything better.

I'm thinking about how I'd like to have a habit of being creative every day. That free-flowing creativity I've experienced with a few of my favorite teachers, have been some of my favorite times in my life. So why am I not doing more of it? Haven't yet figured out how I want to incorporate that without making myself super busy again, but I think I'm going to give it a try some time soon.

Alright, see you in a second with a second post ;-)

Time to breathe, SMART is dumb, quick and dirty clean.

It's blog time! I appreciate the fact that it's on time! I am currently feeling pretty good about being on top of things. It's a nice feeling. Gratitude for past me for going down in the number of classes I'm taking. I keep coming back to how nice that is. If I ever stop being grateful for it, I need to make myself super busy again (not for too long), so I can feel and appreciate the contrast. 

I also need to make good use of the time, so it's not wasted. How to do that? I like the idea of deciding what is really important to do, while outside in nature. Being away from technology, distractions, etc., allows me to more easily take a larger, more comprehensive view of things, and set my goals based on what is truly most important to me. And just what is most important, for me to get done now. It's easy, once I'm in the midst of things, to lose track of that, and just do the next thing I see in front of me.

The other element is having something ambitious to be working on. I've heard that in actualty, SMART goals are not actually that smart. Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic and Time-bound. It's kinda a dumb acronym. Yes, it should be Specific, but that really should already include time-bound and measurable. And yes, it should feel possible, but actually it's missing an essential ingrediant: it should be a stretch.

Just like Vygotsky talks about with his "zone of proximal development" and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in "Flow" talks about appropriate challenge, if our goals are too easy, then we may do them, but we're not doing our best. It is only when something is within our reach, but challenging, that we mobilize to give our best effort. Lack of challenge leads to stagnation boredom, and underachievement. So basically, I  need to make sure I have clear, inspiring and challenging goals, for when I've got some spare time.

Or else use it for some positive recreation/rest activity.

I've gotten into the habit, at the inspiration of some spiritual text I read, to pray morning and eveing, "for the strength and courage to stick to the right path" with a few specifiers for what I'm particularly focusing on. I do it with a visualization/symbol ("the hourglass") from the Cutting Ties work that I really like (someone from a Jungian perspective crossed with my favorite spiritual teacher) and it seems to be really helping be to do that. It's always exciting when I find something that's really effective for me. I'm also continuing to enjoy the "personal kanban" system I've been using to track my tasks and projects, so that's in the same vein of "something that's working for me."

What I'm really excited about is now having a little bit of breathing room, and taking the time to do some organization and cleaning of my spaces. The intention is to do this quickly and efficiently, not spending a long time on making it perfect, but just making simple, quick, homes for everything, so it is actually possible to put it all away, relatively quickly, while still being able to find things, relatively quickly. I've put this off for a long time, because there's always been a fire that needed putting out, but I finally find myself with the time to do this. Maybe. Still only about an hour to do it today, but that's an hour more than I've had for weeks if not months. This "just put it away quickly and don't get precious about it" is a new approach, so we'll see how it actually goes. There might be a learning curve.

Alright, I'm off!

With love, and prayers for peace in the world

-Isaac

Costco, Yom Kippur, Vijayadashami, and Snow White.

Alright, it feels good to be on schedule. Yesterday was Yom Kippur, and during my morning sit spot, I was absolutely inundated by birds. cardinals, red crested wood peckers, large pretty blue and white birds, small brown birds. It felt like a scene out of Snow White. It felt quite magical. They were getting closer than they normaly do, as well. I have no idea practically speaking, why this happened, but it felt like a little communication between God and me, letting me know today was special for me, perhaps for all Jews.

In addition, it was the tenth day of the Navaratri celebrations this year, which felt special as well. Since I consider myself a hinjew, those holidays falling on the same date made them extra special. I spend the day fasting, reflecting, meditating praying. I took care of some practical matters as well, but not too much, and I taught my spiritual class for children in the evening as always.

I used the day to reflect and repent, as is traditional. What are my personal faults that most need remedying? And then making the determination to change them (and praying for the "strength and courage" to do so, and stick with it.

I don't believe that you can magically make up for all your past misdeeds via one day of prayer and fasting. But perhaps it can help seal my personal commitment to remidy my faults.

Incidentally, part of the class I taught was about that. appropriate for the holiday. (though we also talked about strengths and spiritual goals.)

-whoop, gotta go! I'll tell you about it later. Costco trip! First I've got to extract myself though:

(so cozy)

I could tell you about the Costco trip, now that I'm back, but I think that is enough of a blog post. It wasn't particularly interesting to watch, I'd guess, but it was enjoyable to spend time with a dear friend on the ride up and back. Said friend is also teaching me his favorite easy and tasty recipes, and though I don't eat salmon, I'm learning how to cook it, since Suzannah may need the easily digestible protein, and making a fancy salmon dinner is major husband brownie points :-D

The sticky-note board as a low-tech productivity technique I'm test-running. Aesthetically and kinesthetically it's quite pleasing, but the main point is just to limit how many projects I'm working on at once (to, generally, 3 or less) so I don't feel overwhelmed, and stay focused on a those few tasks to completion. Though it is also pretty useful to have the list of stuff to do, what I am working on, and what I have completed, in front of me, as a reminder. In any case, it didn't require any extra money outlay, took about 20 minutes to set up, and seems to be helping a bit, while also making work a little more fun, so I'll call it a win. If you're interested, the idea is called "personal kanban."

Alright, goodbye for now, wishing you sucess in all your endeavours that bring joy peace and goodness to you and the world.

I out

Content warning: probably-boring-to-most-of-you musings on the spiritual path, devotion, and suffering.

Haha! I'm ahead of schedule now! Here is my heady second half of the post from my previous blog, about my thoughts on devotion, the quote about Krishna and calamities, the purpose of suffering, and one's spiritual path. If that doesn't sound interesting to you, now you know you can skip it!

Recap:

Kunti, the Queen of Kuru thanked Krishna for helping her and her
children in many calamities, and said may there be many more such
calamities if it means Krishna will keep coming to help them so they
can see Him.

I think this is a beautiful lesson for anyone who is going through a rough patch in their lives (and so many are these days.) Not the same but related, I subscribe to the belief that whatever happens is for my good. It's a belief in a benevolent God. But how do you reconcile that with painful and 'bad' things happening in your life?

Well, first off that's quite a big philosophical can of worms to get into, but as I understand the idea of karma, part of that is that you get the reflection reaction and resound of your own actions, though often not right away. But the other part is, using an analogy, a parent giving their child some bitter medicine to cure them of a dangerous disease. It may not be pleasant going down, but it is for the long-term good of the child. Often our greatest learnings and transformations have an element of discomfort, or sadness or loss involved in them. The whole Bhagavad-Gita came about out of the "yoga of despair" of Arjuna, overwhelmed with grief on the battlefield from the thought of having to kill his teachers and extended family, and thus finally surrendering to Krishna (God) completely, out of the despair of not seeing any good path forward. From that, all the great teachings of the Gita came.

I agree with my dad's sentiment that going out and looking for pain or suffering seems counterproductive to a good life. However, I also think avoiding things that matter to you because it involves some discomfort, or shunning it as bad or wrong if discomfort happens to you, is also counterproductive to a good life. In our fear of discomfort or loss we insulate ourselves not just from pain, but from life itself. In our resistance or labeling of pain as wrong, we resist it and thus empower it further.

And this idea that whatever happens is for my good alone, is a way of taking unpleasant events, and prompting oneself to find a way to reframe them in a positive light. It may be unpleasant, but what is it teaching me? By asking the question, the pain can be converted into growth towards something better.

The quote from the Bhagavatam is similar, though perhaps even more intense and profound. Not just a little pain, but even 'calamities.' And not just finding something to be learned from them, but, if they bring God close to you to rescue you, even welcoming them. 

I suppose one could argue that not everybody gets Krishna to come to them personally to help them with their problems. It was Kunti's intense devotion to Krishna, that caused him to intervene so dramatically, I'd say. And her sentiment is more an illustration of that state of mind and heart, rather than a pathway to it.

But it does stand in my mind as a role model to look up to. I aspire towards such a deep level of trust in God and yearning for Him (/Her/It). I mean, what I really want is closeness and experience of God, but I suppose my spiritual search indicates to me that the yearning itself for God, is part of what draws Him to us. 

Oh, one final note, that I was reminded of in the email (though it's not what was said, it just made me think of it) was the idea of 'which spiritual path is better?' between Bhakti and Jnana Yoga. I'm not really a fan of that debate. Everyone's path is unique and that is between you and your guru (if you're lucky enough to have a personal, enlightened guru) or else between you and your inner guru (that's most of us.) And in either case, your guidance is going to give you what you need, which may at one point be intensely doing stuff, at another focusing on love and God, and at another inquiring into the nature of Self, to name just a few possibilities. While there are certainly missteps one can make, I don't think they are so simple as to be condensed into 'this path is right and that is wrong.' I think of it more like a dark wood we're trying to get through with just a dim lantern, and there are various pathways through it to the other side. And all the paths have roots and holes and stuff that you need to watch out for.

But the 'my path is right, yours is wrong' debate seems basically the same as the 'my religion is right, yours is wrong' debate, which I think is responsible for a significant amount of people doing really crummy things to each other, and has produced no love, kindness, joy, or peace in the world. I'm having a hard time imagining a single good thing that could come from that viewpoint. I suppose I could go back to one of my initial points, and the suffering and/or pain caused by that belief could be used to teach me something and help me grow. But as with any pain or suffering, even though I can learn from it and grow from it as I accept it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, or consciously decide to seek more of it out or promote it. Which I suppose was the point of my dad's email. On the other hand, in reference to Kunti's quote, if pain or suffering could somehow get me personal time with Krishna, I think I might enthusiastically say sign me up.

Funny thing is, it's easy to say that, but in practice, my actions indicate that I would in fact not choose that, and would instead choose comfort. And that's why they pay devotees like Kunti the big bucks, so to speak. True devotion is easier said than done.

OK! If you read this post, I hope you enjoyed it and I accurately described the content beforehand. And otherwise, I hope you read the 'content' warning at the beginning and skipped it, in which case, I'm quite confused how you are reading this, but love you just the same.

Love and peace to you,

Isaac

Krishna. New seeds. Devotion.

 I feel like I should include a picture to conclude the saga of the plant, though I think I already gave away the (unsurprising?) ending:

It DEAD.

However, I have a larger species of the plant that is growing right outside my window. Most of it has been weeded but one plant survives. I gently touched some of the flowers, looking to see if there were seeds inside and ripe, and they fell right off, so I caught some more in my hand and brought them back.

I'll try growing from seed this time, and hopefully won't have the aphid problem, or the transplant shock problem. Though I may have the wrong soil type, as mostly I see them growing between rocks and such. Maybe my soil is TOO good, and they won't like it. In any case, the experiment continues. Maybe I should actually do some research, but who writes about how to sprout weeds? 🤣

Answer: apparently, me.

I should probably also use my plant id app to figure out the name of the plant, to facilitate searching.

I had to pause for a while, because I wasn't sure what else to talk about, and there was something I had specifically wanted to talk about. I remembered:

The quote from last time, about suffering if it meant constantly remembering God. My father sent me an email about it (he's not fond of suffering as a spiritual practice) which made me try to find the original quote, and thanks to Devala's encyclopedic knowledge about all things Hindu, I was able to locate the actual source. Thanks Devala ^_^

It is something Kunti said (the mother of Arjuna, Yudhisthira, etc.), in the Bhagavata (Which I believe is a bunch of stories mostly focused on devotion to Krishna.) The actual sentiment is more this (just taking his words from the email): 

"She thanked Krishna for helping her and her children in many calamities, and said may there be many more such calamities if it means Krishna will keep coming to help them so they can see Him."

Which is a slightly different sentiment. It's not asking for suffering, or even calamities, but more saying, I'll accept anything gladly, even calamities, if it means getting to be in your presence (Krishna's presence.)

If you're interested in looking up the quote for yourself, Devala kindly provided that as well:

Shrimad Bhagavata Mahapurana,
skandha 1, chapter 8, shloka 25

I wrote a bunch more about this, but it was kind of heady, and I don't think all of you are here for that. Maybe I'll turn it into a seperate post with a informative heading so you can skip it easily.

Love and warmth to all of you,

Isaac

Fractal God Geometry, Childlike Awe.

 I started talking about this in a previous post: the return of childlike wonder. I was thinking about it, as I washed my hands the other day, and noticed the soap happened to be making particularly good, big bubbles. Maybe there was something about the light as well, but it was beautiful, and made me reflect on being a child, and playing with bubbles, with joy and awe and wonder. Soap bubbles are pretty amazing. this perfect, super thin sphere, swirling with iridescint colors. And if your hands are soapy enough, you can even hold them and move them around. And the way they interact with other bubbles, an organic, fractal kind of geometry.

I remember making wire-frame type structures to dunk in bubble solution, and making different shapes with it, like cube bubbles, and such. And I was just feeling grateful, that I could still wonder at and enjoy the beauty and order and mystery and depth of complexity, in the world. In fact, it doesn't feel like I can 'still' do it, but more like I had somewhat forgotten how to do it, and slowly, it is coming back to me.

It reminds me of some of my recent dreams. At least two, maybe three recent dreams, I've been bawling in them, deep heaving sobs crying. You might think that's a bad sign, but I really enjoy that kind of cathartic depth of feeling. My emotions are generally pretty even, and so something like deep, moving sadness, can have a refreshing quality. Like the tears are washing away some long caked on dirt. Sometimes, in my dreams, I'm sobbing for God. I'm feeling, deeply, the loss of God not being there, or at least, not feeling him there, in my heart, in my experience, and I wonder if that is a little taste of what some of the Indian scriptures talk about, with the Gopi's, the cowherd women devotees of Krishna. That deep heartfelt yearning for God draws God irresistibly to you, so say the scriptures. And so that kind of sadness, those tears, are precious.

Because I believe that journey to One requires incredible focus, dedication, intensity. And so a depth of feeling, yearning, is a great gift in that journey.

One phrase that has stuck with me, I think from the Bhagavatam, a series of stories about God in his/her/its various forms, I think in fact another Krishna story, one devotee (maybe even a gopi devotee) says something like 'may I always have pain, so that I never forget to think of you, oh my Krishna.'

Finally, the soap bubble motif made me think of another saying from my favorit spiritual teacher, that goes something like, 'the body is like a water bubble, the mind is like a mad monkey, so don't follow the body, don't follow the mind. Follow the conscience, which is the voice of God within you.' That part about the body being a water bubble, made me think of those bubbles. He's talking about our bodys impermanence. Not even a soap bubble, which can last a little longer. Just a water bubble. Appearing for a moment, only to pop and merge back in with the sea.

Cat family, Trust, The saga of the plant.

Alright, it's time for two posts. Last week was full steam ahead, as I had a paper and a presentation due the same week. But I focused and got it done, so all is well. Grateful that I'm not doing three classes at once, or that would be my everyday experience, and then some. This week I've got a more relaxed schedule, time for other work to get done.

Though I an running into the other issue. When you have free time, sometimes you use it to goof off. This is perhaps one of the main reasons I hesitated to go down to two classes. However, if history repeats itself, it will just take me a few weeks to readjust and tweak what I need to keep myself focused.

Update on the plant I adopted, it got aphids. I just sprayed it with insecticidal soap the other day, and wiped the aphids off leaf by leaf. As well as cutting off about half the plant, which had died, perhaps due to the transplanting shock. Now, after spraying it, it seems like another third of it or so is starting to wilt as well. I may have potted and cared for this plant, just to watch it slowly die. That's ok though. A little sad, but I will learn from it. And hopefully next time, I'll do a better job.

One cool thing though, I got one ripe seed, from one of the flowers, so I planted it back in the pot. Maybe I'll get a baby plant. Though if I don't, I'm not sure what that means. Did it not get fertilized because it was inside, or does it need a freeze to activate the seed? In any case, I'm having fun, I've re-sparked my sense of curiosity and childlike wonder and play. It feels good. maybe I'll talk more about that in my second post after this one.

What else... I'm not sure how much of this is TMI, talking about the journey with Suzannah towards making children. We've been trying for over a year (which I suppose is not that long, given we know a lot of people who've tried for multiple years before having success) but Suzannah is concerned about getting older, so we've been slowly going down the diagnostic ladder, looking to make sure everything is biologically ok. So far, so good. For myself, I've got an intrinsic trust in the universe that whatever happens, and with whatever timing, is for my good alone, and so I am not in a rush, or worried. But I think Suzannah is, and I think it's especially hard that many, maybe most, of her current friend group, has already had kids. Maybe she's feeling left behind.

Right now I'm typing this with a loving cat in my lap and another curled up on the couch next to me, and so I feel quite surrounded by loving family already ^_^ (though I'm happy to welcome more)

I also recently had a call with one of my oldest friends, who just had their second child, and was reflecting on what a huge transformation of your entire life having a kid is. I'm sure no imagination will prepare me for the actual experience.

OK, let's stop there and finish this in a second post.

Doing what matters to me. Being present. A special plant.

It's already Thursday! School is heating up. Three papers due in the next ten days, so this will likely be a short one. I've been wanting to transplant a weed into a pot to spend time with in my office. It's a particular plant that I've always had an attraction to, it's delicate, tiny pink flowers always struck me as beautiful, and how it managed to find life, even in the cracks of the pavement, gave me a deep respect for it's tenacity, palanced with it's grace. It's a little bit scragglily, from getting driven by and scorched by the sun, but I hope to keep it alive long enough to create some seeds, and see if I can get a plant to sprout from scratch. This is a plant I've had an attraction to since childhood. I never knew the name of it, and I'm not sure if this is the exact same plant, or just a cousin variety. But it feels nice to finally be taking the time to develop a closer relationship to it. I'll include a picture.

I just finished listening to a book called "Four Thousand Weeks" about time. It had a bit of a different message than my standard time management reading fare. The author's main point was that we have a limited amount of time, and it's not enough to get everything, or even most things, done, and it's healthier and happier to accept that fact and go about choosing the few things that really matter to you, to spend your time on. As well as being present to what is happening, right now, and living fulling in this moment.

It fits with my general thrust, to alter my paradigm around time rather than just trying to do more things, or faster or more efficient things, or organize my things better.

Alright, gotta go, Diagnosis and Treatment Planning class is coming up in three hours, and I'm gonna have to spend all of that interim time reading and preparing for it. Next week my first case conceptualization is due, as well as my big presentation on anxiety disorders, so I've got work to do!

Take care, be well, love deeply,

-Isaac

A story of Devala

Devala has a lot of really good stories that he has lived, so I couldn't call this Devala's story. But it's one of his, and I wanted to capture it somehow. I thought, rather than sealing it away in a note somewhere, I'd share it, because I think it has some good lessons to teach.

I talked about my dear friend and spiritual brother in my last post. He has a lot of interesting features, but the two I'll mention here for context is that he has a really strong emotional immune system, by which I mean, he is almost always in a generally good mood, and even when really bad things happen, he tends to get over them quickly. The second is, perhaps related, he doesn't seem to have much filter between knowing that something is probably a good idea to do, and doing it. If he thinks it's a good idea, he tends to just do the thing, and not ruminate, vacillate, or procrastinate. I would actually call this simple habit/way of being a simple but very useful superpower, and if everyone had it their lives would probably be way better.

Since this is a semi-public forum, I'm gonna leave out some of the more personal elements of this story, thought they would probably  make for an even more engaging one.

So, several years ago, One of Devala's closest friends suggested he take his love of researching and writing about Vedic and Hindu scriptures and such (also other things spiritual and esoteric, and even historical. Quite a wide range, but especially the Hindu realm), and start posting on Quora, using what had been dubbed by that friend "Deva-pedia" to answer people's obscure questions. He gave it a try, and really enjoyed doing this, and so it became one of his main pastimes. Researching and answering questions on these topics. He was prolific, and good at this. Over several years, he actually got a significant following. This was not a job, didn't pay anything, it was just what he loved to do. His day job was fine, content management, technical writing, at one point earlier on pizza delivery. Then he lost his job, right as the tech industry was utterly bombing, and found it near impossible to get another job that would pay enough. There were other elements of his life that went topsy-turvy around the same time, and he found himself living in his parents house, applying to (I think) literally hundreds of jobs, without success, over more than a year. He was looking for a job with a certain baseline level of pay, and then looking for a place he could live that had a high Hindu population, first on the list being Chicago, for that very reason.

One week, as we were chatting on the phone along with another friend, he mentioned that, at the suggestion of another friend who had done this, he was considering just moving to Chicago, without a job secured, and just making it work, going door to door looking for work and starting with a worse paying job and spartan living accommodations, that he would then work up from. We had often had conversations about his job search, sometimes we'd offered ideas and suggestions for finding work, and often Devala had already tried, or was doing, those suggestions. He was not resting on his laurels.

In any case, as he talked about this rather risky leap of faith, it reminded me of a quote I'd heard, that had stuck with me, though I had to look up the name of the source. It goes like this:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

― William Hutchison Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

If memory serves, we talked about this twice, one week, he was considering it, and the next, he told us that he had decided to do it. That's when I shared the quote.

We don't have an exact timeline, but it was somewhere between later that day, and maybe 3 days later max, that a friend he had made, via his Quora presence, alerted him to a job opening they'd seen: the job was not website management or search optimization or technical writing, but literally researching and writing about Hindu stuff. Pretty much literally what he had been doing, unpaid, for years, on Quora, just because it was close to his favorite way to spend his time (at least when he wasn't playing with friends.) He applied. He got the interview. He got invited back for the second interview. He got invited back for the third interview. As one of his weekly (online) friend groups, we were on the edge of the seat, rooting for him each week, trying not to get our hopes up too much, but thinking, "I really hope he gets this, this is his dream job, he was made to do this job, this is better than anything he had been planning on doing or applying for previously." But we didn't want to expect anything, because it was so good, it would be such a let down if he didn't get it. And there had been previous times he'd gotten an interview or two, but eventually, it hadn't worked out.

He had even started thinking about going back to school. He had researched the best paying, most employable jobs that didn't require a long stretch of schooling, and picked from the top few the one that sounded like the best match for him. But, he admitted to us, perhaps during the same conversation, staying in Oregon felt kind of like he was stagnating, even doing the schooling, which would have kept him in Oregon for another 2 years, was starting to feel like he was wasting his time. Thus his impulse to just move to Chicago, trust the universe, and deal with the difficulties of a lower paying job and rudimentary housing, as he continued to network and search for a more sustainable job (meaning, something that actually met his minimum salary requirements he'd be happy with), while there.

By the 3rd interview, he had mentioned that, though he was going to move to Chicago regardless of whether he got the job or not, if he did get it, he was moving almost immediately. Well, he sent a message saying he would be in town next week, because he was moving to Chicago. And when games night came around, we all collectively cheered, when he confirmed it was because he had gotten the job. One of the interviewers had even met him previously for a short time, when they were both in Hawaii, and she admitted to binge-reading his Quora posts before the interview. Those posts clearly showed he was the perfect match we all knew he was, and he got offered the maximum from the salary range they had posted, right off the bat. NOW we could all throw our hats up and cheer.

I think this story is really dang moving for several reasons, one of which is perhaps personal to me and his other friend, who are all cheering for him. But additionally, he worked really hard. He did his thing where he didn't shy away from hard things (getting rejected over and over as he applied to job interviews), he kept learning and trying new things (rather than phoning it in) and going outside what would be most people's comfort zones, repeatedly (though I don't think it was actually outside his, but that's his emotional immune system I'd guess.)

And then, he did that William Hutchison Murray thing, he took that first step, he began something that certainly would have intimidated most people, when it felt right. He decided to move, without a job already set up. It would have been hard work and not comfortable living, for an indefinite period of time, without any certainty of success. He began it, certainly with boldness, and ultimately, it did seem to have magic within it.

As I talked with Devala about this, he added an important point, which was that in the end, it was his continual dedication to doing the thing he loved, researching and then sharing his knowledge with others, that ended up getting him the job. He had just been doing that, for years, because he loved it. That was where he met the person who mentioned the job to him (but he had been putting out that he was looking for a job, doing his own work) and it was pretty much certainly the vast volume of high-quality work that he had put out over the years, for the love if it, and as a service to others, that got him the job in the end.

I don't know about you, but I find that all pretty inspiring.

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now"

Indeed.

Next time: Story! Autumn comes. A welcome change of pace.

The leaves are starting to change colors, the wind has a hint of coolness and fall in it, even when it's still hot in the sun. Classes have started. I am officially only taking two, and it feels way better. I don't feel like I am required to neglect my non-school duties. Which I did feel, when I was doing 3 per semester.

I want to take some classes on the vision quest with the teacher who ran my first few vision quests, but I don't think I can get away from classes for the week or weeks I'd need to be away, to do it. I'm a little torn, after hearing about Tom Brown's passing, I'm worried that this teacher, who's around the same age, will also pass on before I get a chance to learn about the vision quest, from him.

One of my dearest friends passed through Fairfield, on their way to Chicago. It seems like their start is on the ascendant. I kind of want to tell their story, maybe I'll do so in this blog. It's a good story. I think it has some teaching lessons imbedded in it.

In any case, he's a scholar of Vedic/Hindu things (among others) and so I got to ask him a bunch of questions about what the Vedas say about various things, like the nature of enlightenment, superpowers, and reality. It was a thought provoking and uplifting conversation. He feels like a spiritual brother to me, so I'm always happy to be with him, and also happy that things seem to be coming together for him in a great way.

I'm a week behind on these posts, so I think I'll finish this one and the next one will be his story. Just a short version, It could be longer, but I want to at least capture the highlights.

Caught. Thirsty. Not overthinking.

 Alright, I think with this post, I'm all caught up.

I really need a drink.

Time to get the cats anti-flea + dewormer medication that I glorp onto their back where they can't lick it off (they have really flexible necks and really want to lick it off, so this is challenging finding the right spot, beyond just holding them down long enough to get it on them.)

Ahh, wow, water is so good when you're really thirsty. That's probably a good sign I've been sitting for too long.

This is one of those times, where I sit and think, like I've forgotten something, trying to think of what to say, because something doesn't feel complete yet. But I think my lesson is, if I can't think of it, then I'm done, and that's ok.

So, goodbye for now.

Hmm. Saying goodbye is much more poignant, after having said it to someone who died the next day. It's a reminder, that though unlikely, that could be the case with anyone you say goodbye to, or don't talk to at all, today. A good reason to always speak kindly with people.

Anyhoo, I out.

Love and good to all of you.

Love in Action.

 I'm not going to a spiritual/wilderness course this week. I was vacillating about it for the last week, trying to decide what was the right decision.

I think this is the main or second to main reason why (the main one just being my felt sense of rightness):

I've done a lot of intellectual learning, and taken a lot of classes, even really well taught classes that really integrated experience and practice into them. But all that has to be balanced with practice, action, doing, in life. I think the ratio is maybe 80-20, with 80% being the actual practice and only 20% the learning of new things. I've leaned really heavily on the learning, because I love learning and am good at it. Good at being a student.

But what is really needed for advancement and mastery, is practice. I don't need to go anywhere for that, I just need to do it, and filling up all my time with classes and trying to learn new things, can end up meaning there's no time for that necessary practice.

One of the translations of the Yoga Vasistha that I've read, and many other good sources of spiritual knowledge I've run across, harp again and again on the idea that enlightenment, and, frankly, everything else, comes from your effort alone. Even though the grace of God is also needed, so they say (and makes perfect common-sense to me), that part is out of your control, and so not worth worrying about. Except to put in the effort necessary to earn that grace, as is possible. 

Even though enlightenment can never be achieved through the mind (again, as the books I've read on it and saints I've listened to say, not being enlightened myself), it still takes the activity of the mind, to remove the problematic elements of the mind. I love the saying, "it takes a thorn to remove a thorn." For this idea.

So, in any case, I am trying to simplify down my life, and consciously choose to take action on the things that are most important. That means focusing on my own practice. I've got plenty of information already. It's like I've been reading lots of books on how to work out well, going to courses that show me how to work out well and give me some practice, but ultimately, unless I'm in a course all year long, I need to learn how to work out, regularly, on my own, as part of my life. So, in service of that, I am continually trying to say no to extra things so I can focus on taking action around the few things that really matter to me.

I don't need to go somewhere and take a class to do that, I just need to do it.

I was thinking about titling this "just do it" after the nike thing, but apparently that was inspired by the last words of a death row inmate, so I thought, maybe not. (I wonder if that is actually true, maybe it's fake news, but if so it fooled all the major news outlets). Instead, I'm thinking of another phrase that's more uplifting, "love in action." I didn't come up with it, but I like it a lot. The love part is really important, actually, as it's easy to get too intense, self destructive, other-destructive, and unbalanced, if you don't add that into the mix. So it's a good catchphrase for focusing me on what I need to be working on these days.

I wonder if I'm caught up now?

Amma, Mr. Rogers, Role Models.

 Just a quick catch-up post: I went to see Amma (Amritanandamayi) in Chicago over the weekend. It is such a blessing to be in the presence of a real saint. the atmosphere, the energy, is recharging, inspiring, transformative, just to be in. I love just sitting there, watching her give absolute attention and unconditional love to person after person. I love learning about all the humanitarian efforts and activities she does for people, I love seeing a person who is so totally unselfish, who's whole life is about giving to others, who is so moral, integrous, honest and good.

There is so much greed, lies, duplicity, selfishness, in our world. Even in the spiritual field, or religious field, where you want it to be all about goodness and service and truth, there is so much two-faced stuff, so many self-proclaimed gurus or religious leaders, putting on a show, looking at making money or earning fame, saying one thing and doing another. Commodification of spirituality. Use of religion to justify hate and violence and alienation and power and control. It is easy to become deeply cynical, and assume that is all there is. It is really nice to be reminded that it really is possible to be a deeply good person, without a secret dark shadow side. Amma does that for me, Mr. Rogers does that for me. There are other good ones as well, many, and I'm grateful for them existing in the world, but I suppose you could say they exist along a continuum, of just how selfless and surrendered to God they are, how benevolent and impeccable, and Amma is right along the furthest end of that spectrum.

It's an inspiration to know it is possible. And even though I intellectually already knew it, to be reminded of it, concretely, right in my face. 

And to have a role model, no matter how far removed from where I currently am, to aim for. Someone I can observe in their minute, minute by minute interactions with other people and begin to absorb and learn to resonate with their energy and way of being, at least a tiny bit.

Juice, Life, Time.

 I had already canceled part of my trip, I'm now canceling the rest. It was a hard decision, but I think I should be here for Suzannah, I think travel, especially plane travel should only be done when it's really important, as it affects the environment, and I think I have so much to do, I really need to stop adding more things to the mix and start working on the things that are already there.

As I've mentioned before, I realize I'm not going to get more hours in the day, or be able to do things much faster, so my only hope of having more time is to do less stuff.

There's more to it. Not getting distracted. Not taking a long time on something that only requires a short time. And more than just doing less, being really conscious and deliberate in what I do choose to do.

Moving faster when appropriate is a part of it too. I am slow.

Thinking less as well. I seem to have a tendency to do a lot of thinking. I think that is one of my gifts, sometimes, but it is also sometimes inappropriate, unnecessary, a symptom of FOMO (fear of missing out) or procrastination, instead of being useful problem solving, deliberation, or creation.

I have a pretty simple overarching goal right now, but it is deeply complex and challenging. I just want to end my day, with the knowledge that I really squeezed the juice out of it, used my precious time, day, life, well, and can go to sleep without any regrets. If I can do that day by day, then that will build into a life that can end with that feeling as well. A day, a life, well lived.

I'd say, when I was younger, in a scale of 1-10. I was living a 2-3 generally. My days not well spent, my life not well spent. Now, I feel like I am kind of at a 6. For a while, it was a 5. right in the middle. Not badly spent, no deep regrets, but also, not great. The feeling that there could be so much more. Now, it feels like I am just starting to peek into that possibility. Just beginning to touch something that feels deeply satisfying, meaningful, in my life, day to day, as a way of living.

Trying to move into that more is like trying to push through a rubber barrier or something. It requires continual focus, effort, pushing against my own inertia, both physical and mental. But it is intrinsically deeply rewarding as well.

In the Indian cosmology, time is a form of God. My awareness of time makes me grateful for each second I have, and makes me want to honor that gift by making good use of it.

Spring ahead, fall behind. Legacy of love. Wake.

 I'm noticing that despite my intention to catch up on these, I think I am actually continuing to get further behind. And this is during my off weeks, when I supposedly have more time. What does this mean?

- maybe being off my normal schedule means that my normal habitual things don't get done as regularly

- maybe I just have a habit of trying to always pack too much into the time I have, and it doesn't matter if it's 'vacation' or school.

- maybe I really want to get some specific things done during the break and so other stuff is falling by the wayside even more than usual.

- maybe something else that I haven't identified.

Suzannah's aunt passed last Friday. It's been hard on her, both emotionally, and just in terms of organizing the funeral service and various related things. I've been trying to be a support for her, as she is kind of a support for the rest of the family. Many other friends have come out to be supports as well, it's really touching to see all the love she has around her. It is understandable, I certainly think she's wonderful, and so it's no surprise other people do as well. But it's nice to see. 

Likewise, it was nice to see all the support and love from people, for Joyce (that's the name of Suzannah's aunt that passed). She was also a really lovely person, who never wanted to be a bother, was patient, was accepting, was soft spoken and kind. She also was wonderfully creative, and had several rooms full of paintings, quilts, and other things she had created over her lifetime. And she had some traveling adventures as well, kind of breaking the mold or expectations one might have for her. I think I would be happy if I had as much love and beauty left behind me as she does. 

It makes me want to make sure I do so, with my life, while I'm alive. And makes me think about how I want to do so. It won't look like how anyone else does it, so what does it look like for me?

At the same time, what I most want with my life is to have used it diligently for what I believe the purpose of life is, which does not require leaving a legacy, though a life well lived, seems likely to leave a positive impression on the world. I suppose there is still a part of me from my childhood that wants to be a superhero and save the world, or fix it, but another part of me is trying not to be attached to the fruits of action, per the advice in the Bhagavad Gita. Though part of that advice is so one's action can be more effective. It is a real riddle, sorting out how intensity and non-attachment can co-exist, but I'm sure you want both.

Hydrangeas, Humility, Letting go.

 The hydrangeas near my sit spot have been slowly blooming more and more. Now they are so numerous and big the bush is drooping. makes me think of that saying, how does it go, something like, "the tree with the most fruit bows the lowest." Gratitude for the abundance of beauty and the ever-changing art-show nature puts on for us all. And the gardener who planted these flowering perennials. And the birdsong and a hundred other things that fill me with joy and awe each morning I go out to sit in nature for a few minutes.

I continue to not be able to get very much ahead of things. I am making progress, but even on break, there is just so much trying to fill in all the gaps, new and urgent tasks that crop up and take my time and energy, it is rare I get a lot of backlog things done on a given day. I am making steady progress though. I finally uploaded all the pictures from my old-school digital camera to my computer (I should share some of those here at some point. Good pictures from my travels and such). I finally got an appointment with a legal person to go over wills and living wills and power of attorneys and such, which I'd been meaning to do for many years now. I went over my apple notes and transferred over the important ones I wanted in one place. I did a massive more-than-weekly review with all the backlogged stuff. I got rid of my backlogged emails, so I'm now dancing around a clear email inbox.

Though I am realizing the intelligence of a suggestion I read, in terms of organizing notes, and email inboxes and such. The suggestion was just to take the whole big long backlog, and archive it all, sight unseen. If you really need to, go back a month or two or however long you feel comfortable with, if you really think there's something important in there and go through each one, but otherwise, just get it archived, out of sight, out of mind. The value gained by hand-picking through all those old emails is miniscule, and the time taken to do so is immense. If you realize you really need something, you've got the archived box/folder, and especially with digital things, there's little cost to keep it, often you can find things easily with a search, and even if not, it's usually still less time, searching through your archived folder for a single thing, than all the time it takes to process each thing.

This principle, what I'm calling the "just archive it" mentality, is something I'm trying to figure out how to implement in more of my life. I think there are numerous situations where it applies, though with physical stuff, there is the issue of running out of physical room. It's not as close to free as with digital files. Still, there is a low-effort approach to sorting and organizing, that gets unused things out of the way quickly, leaving me time for more important things. That is the approach I want to be taking with more things.

I'm thinking about how I can't make more hours in the day, so my only way to 'manage' my time, is to choose my priorities, what I spend time on, more carefully. This can be challenging, as often there is a strong urge just to complete something, to have the open loop closed. But that thing is really not worth putting that time into, so it is a struggle of willpower to decide to just let it go.

I'm enjoying playing more during my break as well, spending time with Suzannah. We're building a lego treehouse together. It's super fun. Kinda like doing a puzzle together, but 3-dimensional.

OK, I've got a bunch of posts to catch up on still, and a haircut to get to in a bit, so that's all for this post. I should share a picture of our treehouse in it's mid-construction state.

With love,

Isaac

Catch-up short: pre-wedding, Monadnock, life finds a way.

 Hmm, counting the weeks, it looks Like I somehow got 3 weeks behind. I blame the end of my summer semester, plus the wedding that I went to. Time for some nice short 'make up' posts.

On the morning of the wedding day, Suzannah and I hiked up Mount Monadnock (the wedding was in New Hampshire). It was a beautiful hike, and at the top, it was so windy it almost felt like we were going to get picked up and blown off. It went from too hot to too cold. At the bald stony top of the mountain, were little pools of water, and in one of those pools were a swarm of tadpoles! it was really unexpected and cool. I don't know how or why they went up there, but it's a symbol of the power of life to find a way to thrive in the most unlikely of circumstances. I think I took some pictures and videos, but it was with Suzannah's phone. Maybe I can get her to share them with me later.

In current news: We're about to go up to Iowa City with a friend who has a Costco membership to go shopping. And I've got to cook up something for lunch, before then, so that's the end of this post. Maybe next time I'll tell a bit about the wedding ceremony and the rubber-duck race the next day. I do have pictures and videos of that.

Until next time (which will hopefully be soon)

-I

The joy of closing loops. The ecstasy of having time. The results of working like a dog.

 Yes, still a bit behind.

Let me tell you what feels AMAZING. Having a big ol' list of todo's on my task card, and smashing through all of them, plus a bunch of extra curveballs that got thrown at me today. This is what I've been waiting for. Time. TIME. Time to close a bunch of the open loops that have been sitting around in the back of my brain and scattered around the house, nagging me every time my eyes fall on them, until I go blind to them altogether, and just feel unconsciously stressed simply walking from room to room, because I'm subconsciously (or often consciously) reminded of all the things that need doing, that I have not done, because there are time sensitive essential things that need to get done now. 

And so I live in a sea of minor stress, like death by a thousand papercuts. And I bear with it, because it's not responsible to stop what I'm doing and take care of all these minor issues. They're none of them really important, they're none of them making a big difference. But all together, they do make a signifigant difference. The difference between living in a space that feels together, and a space that feels incomplete, under construction, waiting to be finished. And cluttered.

Now. NOW I get to work towards actually completing it. Yes I know, nothing will ever actually be complete. But it can be well functioning. It can be current, where the incomplete things come from what is coming in day to day, rather than incomplete even when the day to day is taken care of, because of the backlog.

So perhaps I sound a little manic. I do kind of imagine myself laughing like a supervillain or something, it's like this is too satisfying, I must be doing something wrong. Eating two pieces of chocolate cake for breakfast.

But part of what feels so good, is this stuff is actually getting done. And has been for several days. I haven't been going at an exausting pace, and there's been time to play with Suzannah and enjoy my break. But, unlike what has sometimes happened in the past, where I have squandered my time, I am not squandering. I'm using well. And I'm not getting (too) sidetracked, I am doing what I set out to accomplish.

This bodes well for my coming fall semester, where I am likely stepping down from three classes per semester to two. The concern is that I will squander my free time. The hope is that I will take the intensity of focus I've been required to master, to get all my work done on time, and have some to spare for important projects aside form school. I think this may be a good use of my time and energy. There is a loss of efficiency you can get, when learning things, when you mono-task too much. Spending all your time learning piano is great if you want to be the worlds best pianist, but if you have multiple things you want to learn, you are better served interleaving them, spacing your repetition, taking breaks from your work to do different work. And having a balanced life involves daily application of multiple different domains, not just writing papers and reading books. Learning to cook. Strength training. Spending time to nurture relationships and friendships. Volunteering. Pursuing interests and passions and creating.

So I think it's a good idea. On the other hand, I haven't definitivy decided because: finishing 8 months earlier. If I blaze through classes and keep grinding, I can finish 8 months faster. Is it work it? Part of me wants to finish, be done with it, and get on with the more practical stuff. But the other part wants to take my time, go deep, and be balanced. Kinda sounds like a no brainer. Oh, except part of me also wants to start helping and working with people, right now. I don't want to be waiting. Maybe I can do that anyways. Anyone can hang up a shingle and call themselves a life coach, maybe I can start offering freebies as a 'life coach' just to start getting some experience. Or even charging for it? Or start working for someone in a position where I'm helping but don't need the credentials yet? That is all very much just beginning to think about, as I write it.

But anyways. That's where I'm at.

Maybe next time I'll talk about what I'm working on learning over the break, beyond just checking off todo's.

Love and joy,

Isaac

Isaac

American Chestnut and Beech. Saying goodbye. 1:30 am pickup.

Short because: wedding in two days, drive to New Hampshire in one, various papers due, plus packing and prep.

I did my one day vision quest, it was great. Need to do something like that more often, it really enriches my whole life so deeply. Perhaps more on the details of that and the realizations I had later. Suffice it to say I got good answers to all my questions, plus a lot of really beautiful nature and some unexpected insights.

Was up till about 3am last night because the friend I was picking up from the airport (who is also going to this wedding) had their already late flight delayed further. Thankfully, I don't have any early appointments so I was able to sleep in till around 10am and I'm doing alright.

Getting a haircut and beard trim for the wedding today from a... I want to call them old-timey, but they are obviously modern. What's that called when ultra-modern people dress-up and decorate like old-timey, and work in more slow, artisanal ways, but keep the modern conveniences? In any case, I chose them for closeness and reviews, not ambiance, but I'm looking forward to the ambiance. Got to savor life in the moment yeah?

It's really wonderful staying at my parents house and having this massive forest in our backyard, I wish I had that for my future kids. I wish everybody who wanted it had it, it's sad how our green spaces and nature get taken away, especially for the poorest people. Everyone should have access to nature if they want it. My class is all about how. healing and stress-reducing that can be, plus it can inculcate a love of nature in children and then pro-environmental behavior, which we need to inculcate in everyone these days, for the sake of our survival as a species. (Not to mention the survival of other species).

It was bittersweet, in the vision quest sitting among a grove of beech trees that were slowly dying from some type of disease that targeted them. So much beauty, and nostalgia for my childhood home which had a lot of beech trees, and the sadness of things you love ending. I grief their loss, and am grateful for the beauty and joy they gave me, that makes me now sad of their passing. 

Maybe some of the beech trees will learn from the others that are sick and develop some protective measures, and some will survive. I hope so. But sometimes, like with the american chestnuts, the blight pretty much wipes them out altogether. Though I remember stumbling across a grove of american chestnuts that had been specifically bred to be resistant to chestnut blight. They weren't quite ready to go into the wild yet, but were getting there. People quietly doing beautiful things for future generations. Warms my heart and gives me hope.

Alright, bye for now, keep the flame burning.

-I Out

Divert all power to starboard thrusters. July 14th finish. More travel.

A short one because: I'm flying to Connecticut in two days and boy are my arms tired. There's a lot to do to prepare for the trip, in those next two days, and there is a LOT to do, over the next several, to get everything done that needs to be done. I've got a large paper due Sunday, along with a medium paper, a bunch of readings (which will absolutely not all get done, that's low priority, but I have to do at least some of them.) and a one day vision quest to satisfy the 16 hours of nature time activity I'm doing for my Nature Outdoors and Adventure Therapy class. Planning on doing that Saturday. So, anyhoo, busy. Plus cleaning up the house for our cat-sitter, and making sure I've packed everything I'm going to need for the VQ.

We are now officially in emergency mode. I like to imagine the command deck of the U.S.S. Enterprise from Star Trek, where they've been fired at and something has blown up, and they have to redirect all power to the front shields or what not. Emergency and life support systems only. That starts now and goes until July 14th, so... bye for a while. I'll try to keep posting, but expect them to be shorter, like this one.

We have to write how many papers this week?

companionate love, mini vision quest, Travel!

So, this last weekend, I traveled to a nephew's bar mitzvah. It was maybe 5 times as much travel as it was actual time at the bar mitzvah and after-party, but it was really good food, and the nephew did a really good job. They obviously worked really hard, are really intelligent, and care about fairness and justice and such, if their speech is any indication. It was sweet. But it did mean I was having to write papers and read textbooks on plane rides and car drives.

That explains why I didn't remember to post a blog over the weekend. It was quite busy. It is immediately back to the grind as well. Just when I leave for the wedding it goes into overdrive as well, for the last few weeks. Looking forward to July 15th, when classes end and I get a few weeks of real rest. That is to say, time to scramble to do all the stuff I haven't had time for because of school work. Hopefully take an actual break in there as well.

Suzannah just made some amazing decaf coffee ice cream in a novel way: frozen decaf coffee, plus vanilla ice cream, in a blender. Apparently the blender can't handle the ice cubes well, it starts to overheat, but it tastes amazing. Quick google says you need liquid in with the ice and it should work well. I kind of want some now...

Lets see, what's coming up. Well, this weekend is just homework and prep for the trip, the trip itself will be mostly work, I may do a mini vision quest for my Nature Outdoors and Adventure Therapy class final project, and then I'll drive from my parents house in Connecticut to New Hampshire and celebrate my long-time friend getting married!

Currently reading (techincally listening to the audiobook): The Myths of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky. Interesting read, talks about hedonic adaptation (things that make you happy, or unhappy, you adapt to quickly, so dont' expect any external thing to make you happy long-term) and ways to avoid or mitigate it. I'm still in the beginning, but appreciation is part of it, enjoying what you've got, and adding little bits of novelty to your life. A

lso, most of the things you think will make you happy, won't, long term. You'll tend to just go back to your happiness set point. A great argument for not doing work that makes you miserable short term in the hopes that it will make you happy once you "make it". 

I suspect there is nuance to this, and having close meaningful relationships definitely does contribute to happiness and well-being. But relying on romantic sizzle is a bad long-term plan, apparently. Spicy love turns into companionate love, if you're lucky, but doesn't stay in the limerence fireworks phase forever. The myth that it does or should is just hurting people with unreachable expectations. Interesting read.

OK, that's all for this week. Though it's almost the weekend so I should be putting out another of these in a day or two, if I can stay on top of things.