Neko Sensei

Our two cats, Ume and Reiko, are so very cute, and sweet, and cuddly, and affectionate, that I have rarely felt as much love for something in my life. They were curled up in a ball into each other, nestled for warmth this morning, Ume nuzzling into Reiko, rolling back her head for chin and belly scratches. They have so much trust for me. That level of trust and openness engenders a surprising amount of love. It's interesting how vulnerability can end up being so powerful. I feel like they are teaching me about bhakthi, (divine love, devotion): if I can feel somewhat near that level of love for the rest of God's creation, or for God itself I would be a great devotee. And so it is a pathway into that feeling of love, that can then perhaps be generalized or cannalized.

It's also a pathway into gratitude, that I have such sweet companions with me all day long. It makes me deeply appreciative for my life. And it makes me think about loss, as well. I think about how they will almost certainly die before I do, and what a loss that will be, and it reminds me to pause and take time just to connect with them, give them head scratches or bump my head against theirs. To live well in the moment, not just for future goals.

It teaches me that we can feel love from each other, feel presence and attention. If I am doing something on my phone, they are not as happy, even if I'm petting them. But if I bring my attention fully to them, maybe bring my head close to theirs, they start purring like a motor. Not just humans, but animals, and plants, can feel our love, and respond to it like a flower opening to the sun. It's a gift you can give to others, and it ends up being a gift for yourself as well, because letting love flow through you to others, that love is experienced by both.

Preparing, Cleaning, Celebrating

 What do I do to prepare for my practicum and internship? This is the question on my mind. I asked my supervisor if they had any suggestions, and they pointed me to a training. And then I've been doing some deep dive research, or rather continuing the research I'd started a while ago about what makes for a good therapist. It's the same question I had as a teacher. Is there anything one can actually do, to measurably get better? There was an unfortunate dearth of agreement scientifically on that topic. Lots of people giving their opinion, but nobody really doing good practice-based research. It seems so weird, because what could be more important than training good teachers? I suppose some of the important things are structural as well, but even with that, it seems like everybody has their own perspective and is ready to argue for it rather than put aside their assumptions and test what actually works.

Now, of course there is research on effective teaching methods, but honestly, I think the problem is MUCH more about effective classroom management, and how to teach that. How can you train teachers to create a good classroom environment and culture?

Maybe this was more important for me because this was the area that I struggled with the most. But I think most teachers are put in an environment that really pushes them towards burnout, and does not support them in their development as teachers, which is related to the burnout. This is a serious problem that is perhaps more important than almost anything else, as this is the place where our future generation is being formed, but people seem to be generally ignoring it. Above and beyond the academic lessons, one would hope children learn good character while at school as well. How to get along with others, resilience and tenacity, how to handle big emotions, failure and disappointment, cultivation of compassion and empathy, how to lead a happy life, and positive values like honesty, integrity, humility, being of service to others, courage, etc.

I wanted to do this for children because of how important I thought it was, but I just could not avoid extreme burnout as a classroom teacher. I was miserable. And yet I kept doing it for around 5 years, if I include my student teaching. I just didn't seem to be the right temperament for what is needed in a classroom teacher. But that doesn't change how important I think it is, or my desire to contribute to that, in some form. Whatever form I can actually do in a sustainable way.

In any case, that was a bit of a digression. The point is, I've been doing the same research for psychotherapy. And, both sadly and happily, there is a good deal more research on it than for teaching. Sadly because teachers deserve it too, happily for me. It's still in its infancy, but their are at least people working to answer the question, what can we do with therapists to actually and reliably improve their outcomes with clients. Interestingly, it follows some of the same thinking that I figured out myself, namely using the concepts of deliberate practice from Anders Eriksson's research to apply to therapy and therapists. As well as studying the outliers, those therapists that do significantly better than others, and looking for common elements among them. 

So I've got a bunch of really interesting books on those subjects, that I'm looking forward to going through (and have already started going through, can't help myself, despite my need to focus on my coursework). I'll share a pic at the end here, of some of them.

Aside from that, my big dream goal for this break: tidying up the house putting everything away and finding home for things that don't have a place, and then going through and getting rid of stuff I don't need or want anymore, decluttering a bit. I've found I can set time limits for each step in the process and time myself and I become much more efficient and focused, and can get rooms done in a much more reasonable period of time, so I have actual hope for being able to do this.

In general, I'm feeling very grateful for my life. The additional time and space I have from not trying to do so much at once. The feeling of being on a good path work-wise, and my current spiritual and personal progress, it all feels like it's in a good place, and I'm remembering back to a time... maybe in my early twenties, when I realized life had stopped sucking, overall, and I had thus achieved what I thought was an impossible goal. But I then realized, that wasn't where I wanted to stop: I wanted to get to a point where life was generally actually good, positive. I feel like I'm there now. So I feel deep and vast gratitude for the universe, Great Spirit, God, whatever you want to call it, the benevolent intelligence in my life that has guided me and supported me in fulfilling those prayers.

Of course, that's no place to stop either, the new goal is to continue for things to get even better, which I already feel happening and don't see any upper limit in sight, and to spend more time now helping others, which honestly was my main motivation from the beginning, even when I was deeply suffering. I wanted to becomes something good, so that I had something good to offer to others.

OK! that was a longer one. But I actually have one more short one in me, so see you again soon.

The next few weeks. Sprint to the finish line.

 I'm almost done with my school work for this semester! One more big assignment! And some more readings, which are functionally optional, because there are no assignments based off of them.

Tomorrow I pick up Suzannah from the airport and Sunday her sister's family comes to visit for a week. It will probably be a bit hectic that week, but I'll try and get the paper and mock crisis counseling session done and recorded, or at least the recording and getting started on the paper. That's Thanksgiving of course, so there is cooking and cleaning the house for their arrival. That next weekend is a friends wedding up in Chicago, so more travel, and then the next weekend is a Bat Mitzvah for a niece in Philadelphia. That same weekend the final paper is due and classes end. Then I've got a good long bit of time off, several weeks, to spend some time with Suz and friends and take care of loose ends before my internship starts.

So, things are about to heat up for a bit. A sprint, so to speak, and then the sprint leads off the edge of a cliff and I get to free fall for a couple weeks with less structure and externally imposed goals. Hopefully Suz and I will do something fun, and probably I'll spend some of the time on my own studies, preparing for the beginning of my internship and starting to see clients. Exciting!

OK, I'll end this post here, since I've got to write another one.

See you in a few minutes.

-IO

Kitties, Flurries, and Firewood

 This weekend was full of fun chores, in that I finished my paper before the due date, so I had time to go into some of my optional quality of life enhancing tasks, such as tidying up various rooms in the house and chipping away at my long list of useful, short, but not strictly necessary tasks. It feels good getting to check a bunch of stuff off my list. It's maybe a little bit of cheating, because most of the tasks are easy and quick, but many do add various quality of life improvements, and they all reduce my feeling of overwhelm, when I look at my task list and notice it just keeps getting longer and longer each week.

Part of that is I think I need to remove some of the things from my "this week" list, and do them later. Part of it is there are things I've done a while ago and just forgot to check off, or that I've waited so long on, they are now moot and need to be deleted.

But a bunch of them are just quick simple tasks, and so it seems like more work to move them off my list and then move them back on at a later time...

In any case, it felt nice to not just bailing water out of a sinking ship to keep it above water, but actually making some improvements to the ship. In the Eisenhower priority matrix, that would be the "Important, but not Urgent" quadrant, where much of the most impactful action takes place, because it is preparing for the future and the long haul.

It snowed yesterday, which was magical, our first snow of the season. it was so big and fluffy, it looked like the cottonwood seed fluff that blows around during summer. And there was a little bit of snow dusting the ground, this morning. Needless to say, it's time to winterize the house, Suzannah made sure all the hoses were unscrewed (we burst a pipe last year because we didn't get the hose unscrewed soon enough, so we were trying to be extra careful this year) and I turned the heat tape back on for the water shut-off valve in the garage. 

The frost has really made the trees accelerate in their shedding of leaves. The last week saw some of the most beautiful colors going on. Just walking under a maple tree at this time of year is like color therapy, they are amazing.

We get to run our fireplace now, and are thoroughly enjoying it. As are our kitties. Super cozy. We're trying to keep it cooler this winter to save on the heating bills, and part of how to do that is use firewood and stay right in front of the fireplace, which is where we want to be anyways.

OK, I think that will do for now, I've got another paper to get started on, and then helping Suzannah set up for her father's 80th birthday!

Deliberate, Purposeful, Ironic.

 I had a little aha moment the other day. I've been researching what could actually make me a better therapist. Seems like again the idea of "deliberate practice," Anders Erikson's famous research that has been often touted as the "10,000 hour rule" for mastery, came up. Deliberate practice is about much more than putting in the time. It's about how you practice, and there is a good amount of nuance to it. And unfortunately, it doesn't translate directly into more complex things like teaching and therapy. It works better for things like chess and music and sports, where there are very clearly defined outcomes being measured, and very clear skill paths that coaches can lead people along. For most jobs, it's more complex, or perhaps just has less energy and time being put into seeking seeking excellence. There is a general rule of hard work though. Those who are willing to work harder and longer, tend to do better. And even in professions without deliberate practice wisdom, there are always those that perform way better than others, so there is still a pathway to mastery. However, that falls into the realm of "purposeful practice" which is basically as good as you can get when you don't have a well defined field and pathway to mastery that coaches have been refining for a while.

In any case, there's some promising work on that, in counseling, which is cool, though it's still in its infancy. And it is anything but an 'easy way to get great' since effortful, often unpleasant practice is a key ingredient. I kind of want to try to learn something in a more standardized field, so I can get a sense of what deliberate practice feels like, in an unambiguous way. But I already feel strapped for time, so I don't know if that will happen.

Anyways, that's a far too long preamble. The "aha" was simply that, if I wanted to get better at using my time well, the principles of deliberate/purposeful practice should be applied. Which include getting a baseline read of performance and tracking outcomes, so you can get a sense if what you are doing is actually leading to improvements. It's also important to delineate what specific elements are holding you back or need improvement. What I will be doing is a far cry from deliberate practice, but I can at least hope for some purposeful practice. Seems like a better approach than blindly flailing around, though even that has surfaced some nuggets of wisdom.

OK, that's all I have time for, since I didn't use my time super well today. Hah! Irony. 

Schrodinger, Siestas, Ship Sayings

You ever get that feeling, in the afternoon, after having eaten a bit too much, where you just want to nap, or play a game or watch/read something light and entertaining? I'm feeling that hard right now. Do I take a nap? Do I crank out some push-ups? (That seems bad for the already unhappy digestion). Do I just power through? Maybe I do some tidying. I love tidying. Putting things where they belong, or finding a place for it. A place for everything and everything in its place. I think someone said that was a nautical saying, for how you have to organize a ship. I find doing that very satisfying and soothing, and sometimes even energizing. Slightly physical, intrinsically motivating, high priority but not high enough to take up my prime energy & focus times. Sounds like a plan.

OH, you're here, listening to my thoughts. I guess I should give you an update. The practicum site is moving along nicely, everything has been approved, I just have to get my insurance (which I'm not supposed to get until December, so it lasts through the whole of my internship) and I'm all set. So looking forward to actually practicing. 

I love all the stuff (OK, not all of it. But most of it at least) that I'm learning, but it's so intellectual. I know I'm not going to be able to do much learning until I am actually working with clients. Which is unfortunate, because I would love to go into it knowing I'm adequately prepared, but I'll learn on the job like everyone else. I am also excited to hopefully confirm that I really enjoy this work and have found a good career for me. Perhaps a little bit nervous, because it is still possible I will find out I was dead wrong. That would be a quite unpleasant surprise. So looking forward to that schrodinger's cat being resolved as well.

OK, that's enough, off to my next thing, have a good week y'all!

-I Out

Secondary Trauma, Sunlight, Self Care

One of the classes I'm taking is called "Trauma and Crisis Counseling" (or something close. I may have the order of words backwards). As such, you would expect it to be maybe a bit hard to read some of the readings. 'Secondary Trauma' is something people who work with Trauma victims/survivors encounter, where they get trauma symptoms themselves. Similar perhaps to how people who watched too much media coverage of certain traumatic events ended up with trauma symptoms themselves.

In general, humans have wonderfully sensitive, empathic nervous systems that can feel the distress of others. But if they are experiencing empathy, holding hands and going through traumatic experiences with others, it can backfire in that way.

Last week and this week have been about abuse and IPV (intimate partner violence--domestic abuse) and learning about it is a little heartbreaking. I haven't experienced enough to constitute secondary trauma, but after sitting for a while, reading about it, I feel the need to decompress, spend some time out in nature, read something uplifting or meditate. The need for "self care" that is frequently stressed in my textbooks make sense in light of this.

I also wonder if I will be able to muster empathy and compassion, if I'm dealing with the abuser? Especially if they are unrepentant. There is definitely a part of me that just wants to say, "No, that is wrong. You need to stop doing that." But I don't imagine that would be very effective.

Despite this, I'm getting excited about my upcoming internship. It's right around the corner, and I'll finally get to start actually doing what I've been in school for these last years. I'll finally get to start actually learning how to be a therapist. The info is interesting, but it is so useless without practice. Like so many parts of our education system, it's quite poorly designed, for actual learning.

I'm not sure if I can upload this properly, but I want to share a beautiful light show I saw this morning. it was a little beam of light, peaking through our curtains, sunlight through windy trees. I want something like this playing in the corner of my computer at all times, accompanied by windy nature sounds and relaxing music. 

Groundhog, Tomato, Time Limit

I'm not a fan of keeping up with the Joneses, but I am a fan of measuring oneself against one's own past benchmarks. Measuring against other people isn't fair, but measuring against yourself can spur growth. So So when I say it's time to keep up with the Joneses, aka my blogging schedule, I mean keeping up with past Isaac's arbitrary wellness goal of blogging at least once a week (ish). This is a wellness goal because I like writing, and am sadder when I don't do it regularly. I'd like to do it more regularly, but it still doesn't feel like the right time for that. I've got textbooks to read and essays to write. But some day, I want to focus more on this part of my life. I'm looking forward to it.

Last week was a little lighter, and so I got a day to take care of little tasks. It always feels nice doing that, like another form of self care. Kind of like cleaning up one's room, except the room is kind of inside my head, my running list of things to do. Though I have handily put it outside my head, via my todo list. Still, I have to look at it each week and sigh at how many items are on it, many of them simple and quick things that I could do easily, but just aren't important enough, against some of the bigger and longer immediate things.

Maybe I should just do a few each day, in the morning, kind of like a warm up for a test, doing some of the easy questions first, to build confidence. Sounds fun, actually.

In any case, I've been thinking about how some of these not-urgent project, like cleaning my rooms, would make a big difference in my life experience, even though any particular day they are not super important. So, today the plan is to tackle my bedroom. I think I should be able to get it pretty much entirely put away. I'm going to try setting time limits for the various parts of that task, because doing so helps me keep up a quick pace and not get hung up on little details, which is downside of my careful and thoughtful nature. It's been the most effective thing I've tried for getting my weekly review shorter, so I thought I should try it with other things.

Really, my weekly reviews used to take anywhere from 2 to 5 hours, average maybe 3 at first, then I tried to streamline it as much as I could and got down to 2.5, occasionally close to 2. Then I just decided: I'm going to only give myself an hour to do it, and whatever isn't done in that time, isn't going to get done that week. It put me in a whole different mindset, and I found myself just ignoring things I otherwise would have spent time on, thinking they were important. It's kind of like the last minute packing when you're moving: you spend the weeks leading up to it, packing things carefully, and then, the day before the move, you realize there's a huge amount left to do, and you just start throwing things in boxes. Yes, it's a bit of a pain when you're unpacking, but it's so much more time efficient, you still end up saving a bunch of time.

When you have unbounded time, it's easy to get caught up in things. When you have very limited time, priorities become much clearer, almost instantly.

I wonder if it is similar to the research on goal setting theory. Here's an interesting and practical fact for you: If you set easy goals, you put in less effort. When you set challenging (but doable) goals, it pulls out more effort from you, and you do a better job. It may also feel better, accomplishing the streach goals.

OK, enough thoughts, what's going on in my life concretely: I'm getting excited about my internship, which is fast approaching. I'm enjoying my classes, as I feel like I'm learning about useful stuff (marriage/couples/family, and crisis & trauma), we split a whole bunch of wood on the weekend, so we're all ready for fireplace season, and the garden is still producing, though it's starting to wind down.

I found a cherry tomato that looked like a face, especially once I added two dots for eyes.

I had a dream that the groundhog under our shed had babies, and some of the roof of their giant warren had collapsed, showing a swimming pool sized underground den, connected to tens of holes and tunnels throughout the yard, with cute groundhog babies, but the mother was human sized, bipedal, and had a mouth full of nightmarish long needle teeth. It was a little scary in the dream but I find my subconscious hilarious in hindsight. I guess I'm worried about the groundhog :D

OK, that's all for now, take care, and watch out for the groundhog ;-)

Design Web, Renewal of Creative Path, and the Goal behind the Goal.

 OK, I've got one more thing I want to talk about. I did something, called a 'design web', for my general project of wanting to be more efficient and effective with my time. I'm not sure I can do justice to what "design web" is, so I'll share some links that describe it more, if you're interested. I'd recommend this podcast episode were Jon Young and Looby MacNamara (the creator of design web) talk about it: https://rss.com/podcasts/trackingconnections/1870362/#transcript

That also has some other links, to Looby's website and such, but I really like the feel of how they express it together, rather than just Looby, so that's my rec.

In a nutshell, it's kind of using the intelligence of nature and Permaculture design principles and some good vibes to help you design and create whatever you want to bring into existence. With the express intention being to help people who want to make something good in the world, actually turn their ideas and dreams into reality. It's good for specific projects, rather than trying to change your whole life completely. I'm sure there are lots of frameworks that could help one do this, but I like the feel of this one, it resonates with me.

In anycase, that was all just setting the stage. The point of this post is that I used it for my "TIME" project, and though I got some nice specific useful concrete steps that I've started taking, I also got a bit of fascinating insight. That's what I want to talk about.

Why do I care about being efficient with my time? With getting "more" done? It's not for its own sake, though sometimes it feels like I'm just doing it without a deeper intention. But when I really settled down, there was a mixture of feeling like I wasn't justifying my existence, unless I "did more" with my life, every day, and a desire to live my life such that, at the end of the day, or if I hypothetically was about to drop dead, I could look back at how I had lived it, with satisfaction, that I had spend my time well.

And that further boiled down to my desire to live a meaningful life. At which point, it becomes clear that it's not actually about time management. It's about if I'm taking meaningful steps towards a meaningful goal. There was a previous process I'd gotten interested in, led by Jon Young but not created by him, that was all about getting in touch with the things that really lit you up, made you feel connected. I had started it but never finished. And I realized, that getting clear on what a meaningful life looks like for me, is really the crux of my search for good 'time management.' Though doing my work efficiently is relevant, what is much more relevant is what work I am doing. This is a trope in time management and productivity, but it's also true: you can be moving very swiftly and efficiently in the wrong direction, and then that efficiency is not particularly useful towards your actual goals and priorities.

Realizing this, I did two things: one, I decided to finish that process (Jon calls it "renewal of creative path" or ROCP for short, though I don't know if that title is the best descriptor of it.) And two, I decided to finish it really quickly, and not carefully. I could always go back and refine it, but if I tried to get it to 'perfect' it would continue to not get finished, and thus be giving me zero benefit.

So I did. And I like how it feels, to be refreshing myself on that vision I have of a meaningful life, each morning. It's not perfect, but it's much better than nothing.

I bet you want to know what it is, don't you? I'm going to be a bit mischievous and not tell you though. It feels a bit too personal right now, like being seen in public in my underwear. So for now it's just for me. Perhaps as I get more comfortable with it, I'll be willing to share more.

OK! Feeling good, you're caught up on my life, I'm (partially) caught up with my blog backlog, and on to the next thing! Today is designated, among other things, as my 'do lots of small but important tasks to declutter my task list' so I'm off to some of those other things. It feels good, as a lot of them have gone stale and gotten quite overdue, as I tend to focus on the big, immediate tasks most of the time.

Satcharitra

Related to the vibhuti I got from my friend, I decided to read a book about the original Sai Baba, who lived in Shirdi, over 7 days, which is a traditional kind of ritual/vow from that tradition, to undertake, when you wanted to achieve something. Previously I had done a different thing, a series of fruit fasts and readings over... 7? 9? weeks, on Thursdays, with a different request in mind, and I ended up getting not just what I asked for, but much more than I could have thought to ask. The person who sent me the vibhuti suggested it, and it felt right, so I did it. It was quite an enjoyable experience. The writing of this book, the "Sai Satcharitra" is very dated, clearly translated, with a bunch of archaic, unidentifiable words and long difficult to remember names of various people, but it is a collection of stories about this miraculous saint, and despite the awkwardness, I found it quite moving. 

And reading that much every day meant I was putting my attention on something very positive and uplifting, instead of tv, video games, or fantasy novels on tape. The ultimate effect on me was really positive, and so I even decided to do a second 7 days, after finishing the first. It also collected a whole bunch of synchronicities, some of which were that it happened to end on Dasara (aka Vijayadashami), the final day after the 9 days of Navratri (the forms of the Divine Mother), which was also the day on which Shirdi Sai left his body. And that happened to fall of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year.

It made me want to spend more of my free time, reading things with a really good energy to them. My main spiritual teacher repeatedly said 'show me your company and I will show you your character' or something similar, and Albert Bandura, the famous social psychologist, says basically the same thing and proves it in his research. In the absence of real live saints and great people to hang out with, the media you consume also ends up counting as your 'company' and lets you spend time with the great minds and hearts of our generation and the past, which would not otherwise be available to you.

So, the kind of things I do (and read) during my down time, has been on my mind. After the 7 days, I didn't want it to end, so I decided to read at least a little bit from the Satcharitra every day, but just reading a single page doesn't have quite the same oomph to it, though it's better than nothing.

OK, I think that will do for this post.

Vibhuti

 One of my Sai Baba friends sent us some sacred ash that had manifested somewhere. Actually, apparently it's part of a mixture that they kept adding too, when they went to various places where it had been manifesting. When it starts running out, they mix what's left with some of the regularly created sacred ash that the Sai organization distributes occasionally. This was prompted because they are close friends and have been hearing about the trials and tribulations as Suzannah and I try to get pregnant. This is a first for me, as I've seen pictures with sacred ash (they call it vibhuti) that had manifested on it, even a picture that had manifested an 'amrit' substance that was like rose flavored honey. Apparently it had manifested in such quantities that they had to keep it over a bowl to collect it all. 

Running into those things really rocked my world. I had such an odd sense of cognitive dissonance. Something was happening, or rather, had happened, that was totally outside my experience and understanding of the world, how it worked. It was much easier to imagine these things were just being made up by the people who shared them, but that explanation just didn't tally with the facts. I am a fair judge of character, particularly when I've known someone for a while, and it was extremely unlikely that all of these people were making these things up. None of these occurrences, that I ran into and seemed real, were publicized in any way. It was in fact extremely hard to find them. It was only by talking to people and asking about it, that I was able to find them. There was no money involved, and there wasn't even a big hubub about them. And these were people of the highest moral caliber. The idea of any, let alone all of them lieing and intentionally deceiving people would be deeply bizarre. 

And the people who experience them pretty much universally don't put high importance on them. Love, service, and transformation of heart and character are the kinds of things they value, with the manifestations and miracles more just a confirmation of their faith. I can understand that perspective now, but at the time it seemed mind-boggling. The fact that the laws of physics and how the universe worked was being turned on its head and what that meant about the existential purpose of life seemed pretty important to me at the time. But looking back, I can see how it was more important as a calling card, something to draw me towards a source of positive transformation and good teachings, and to strengthen my faith in a very real, active, and benevolent God.

In any case, I never got any sacred ash to use myself. It seemed wrong to smear my hand on the pictures where I saw it. So having some now is a novel experience. Suzannah is taking a little mixed with water regularly. Can't hurt right? Nothing to do but wait and see.

Stump burning, Autumn weather, The double-edged sword of technology.

 So, today is my designated "do a bunch of small quick tasks to get them off my "to do" list. One of those tasks is by blog backlog. Looks like I've got about six, so I'm not going to do all of that at once, but maybe I'll do 2.

First off, it's finally getting cooler here. Amazing that it took till mid October for that. But I'm happy with this time of year. Not too hot, not too cold, but cool enough that the bugs are dying down.

Suzanna just tried burning a tree stump last night and it was pretty cool, it really worked, and kept smoldering overnight. We saturated the soil around it in a circle to make sure it didn't spread, and it had rained recently, and in fact rained last night, but not enough to put it out. In fact, I'm going to check on it right now... Yeah, still smoldering. It kind of reminds me of an incense stick, with the coals just slowly burning through the wood. In a dryer, more loamy soil, or with dry plant material on top, I'd be more worried, but we have green grass and clay soil, so the risk seems very low. And it tool a lot less energy and todo than using a big noisy stump grinder. Just a bit more time.

I feel like that is often the case: you can do things faster, with more advanced technology and more energy. But you can do it sustainably, if you're just willing to go slower.

I've been thinking recently, about how technology keeps promising to give us more time, by doing things for us automatically or faster, but then we just fill up our time with other stuff, some of which is generated by the technology itself. AI is not new, in this respect. I wonder if there is a way to make use of the technology that is truly helpful, without getting caught up in all the stuff that takes away much of the time it is supposed to give you back.

And some of the stuff it takes away is physical activity, which is not necessarily what you want to be doing less of. Being sedentary is not good for us physically, mentally, or emotionally. Same for being cut off from nature. I think it's possible to take the good and leave the bad, but it requires a lot more discipline, you end up fighting against your environment, rather than letting it shape your behavior naturally in a healthy way. Maybe this is an area for future jobs: designing technology and modern life in such a way that it encourages healthy behavior, rather than encouraging unhealthy behavior and disconnection.

OK, I'll end here and start another one.

One Perfect Step. ROCP. What is Behind My Obsession with Time? St(r)uck.

 I'm going to try and keep this short, but I just had a poignant thought.

After going through a deep design process for clarity around all my time stuff (wanting to use it better, more efficiently, etc.) I got down to the fundamental point that I don't care about time itself, but I care about it because I want to live a life without regrets. I want to live a life that feels deeply meaningful. (As do we all, or just about all, I would think). Therefor, I don't want to waste time. Time waste is life waste, as my Teacher says.

But that's not even the poignant thought, deep though it is. Having come to this clarity, it then followed that the most essential missing thing was having a clear vision of what a meaningful life looked like (and felt like) for me. I had, several months ago. I guess almost a year ago at this point, started a process with Jon Young (a very skillful and inspiring student/mentee of Tom Brown Jr., among other teachers he learned from) that he called "Renewal of Creative Path" (herafter ROCP). That was in essence skillfully attempting to uncover the answer to that question, along the lines of "what really lights you up?" but with many more elements and angles to it for depth and completeness.

I spent a lot of time on it, because it seemed so essential and important to me. And then, I ran out of time, and never finished it, ergo never got to actually use it.

Here I am, again reminded that the key missing piece right now, is that output from ROCP, and I'm st(r)uck by how my desire to "do it right/well" made the process take so long, that I never ended up finishing and being able to use it at all. A kindergarten level of skill and attention span would have been better than that, if it had at least produced some usable product at the end.

So, I'm rededicated to finishing it up, in as haphazard a way as necessary, to actually get it done and usable.

But also, it makes me reflect and wonder how many elements of my life have a shadow of that pattern in it: seeking perfection, and thus ending up with nothing, rather than accepting mediocrity, as the price for actual forward momentum. I need to remind myself, that I don't need to be perfect. Especially right away. Improvement can happen, as long as I'm moving forward, but if I'm paralyzed in place, waiting for that one perfect first step to reveal itself, nothing happens.

See my shpiels on 50 pounds of pottery for another perspective on this, and the importance of balance and common sense, along with Aristotle's vices of excess and deficiency, for cautions on taking this advice too far and thus making it harmful rather than helpful. (you don't want zero deliberation and planning before acting, you just want the right amount.)

Lawnmower Man, Detective Guy

That was a weird movie (Lawnmower Man). In any case, this morning Suzanna discoverd that a rock had been thrown through the back window of her truck. It is surprisingly visceral, how the thought that someone maliciously destroyed your property, effects your body. You feel it in your gut, like being violated somehow. We didn't know if someone was targeting us, or if it was just a mean-spirited but random act by some teenagers, but we tried not to let it bother us, while we waited for a chance to call the cops and have them investigate. But it did bother us.

Then when the cops came (which I assumed would just be them notating what happened and telling us these kinds of things almost never get resolved.) they looked at the rock, and a second one on our driveway, and noticed that they had chunks taken out of them, like they had seen before with lawnmowers kicking up rocks. Long story short, or I guess, pretty short story short, they talked with our neighbor, found out that he had mowed his lawn the other day, and that he had some landscaping rocks that were of the same type, and so it seemed pretty likely that they solved the case. I suspect it was satisfying for them, and it was a huge relief for us. having a broken window by accident feels way better than being targeted by active malice. Kind of interesting, how that goes. 

And perhaps taking the philosopher/psychology hat, how powerful a different it makes in one's experience, the stories we tell. We don't know for sure what happened, even now. the window is still broken. But we both feel way better, viscerally, just from having a different story we believe now.

I guess there are some practical elements associated with it: we were wondering if we had to take more safety precautions, get a security camera, etc., so it was a relief to not have to think about all that extra work. Still, the point remains, it's just a matter of what we believe, that changes one's internal state, and even physiological state, totally.

Awareness, Finitude, Groundhog

Hello. Not catching up, not falling behind. On Blogs at least. Back in the heat of the School semester, with way more I want to do than I have time to do. The solution is simple and in fact, inevitable: do less.

But I guess the question is, do I do this with acceptance and understanding, that I simply don't have time to do all the things I want to do in a day, that expectation is unreasonable, or with guilt and the feeling of pressure, that I SHOULD be doing more, somehow.

Clearly the former sounds better.

But there is at least a little bit more to it. While I definitely can't do all the things I want to do, there is still choice in WHICH of the things I do.

If I pretend that I can do them all, then I tend to do the more interesting or enjoyable things first, or just whatever feels good to do in the moment, with the assumption that I'll get to the other things 'later.' (and of course I don't).

If I accept I can get much less done each day than I expect, which things I do first becomes much more important, because it's not about which things I do first, it's about which things I do, at all.

The acceptance and awareness of that very finite reality, means I can make better choices, and better plans.

But I keep forgetting this reality. I need to remind myself somehow. Maybe a sticky note?

In other news: still have the groundhog. One of the too many things to do, is try moving the no-kill trap somewhere I've seen it come out of, so it can just walk right into the trap in the morning.

Good news: I got an internship site! Woo! And it seems like a good one! Triple woo!

Also, the weather is really nice. Good tempratures, and nice fresh smelling air. Also lots of fresh fruit from all the fruit tree's around.

Also, I'm reading the Sai Satcharitra in 7 days. One of my friends said that's a traditional thing to do when you're asking God for something. So I'm giving it a try. It's a fun book to read too. At least for me. Strange and wonderful. The miraculous stories of a saint.

OK, I should go to bed now.

May your life be full of light and joy and peace,

Isaac.

If you have less time to do something, you'll do it in less time.

 I do a weekly review, most weeks, where I go through my email, archive it, and make tasks out of the ones that have tasks related to them. And then do a similar thing with my calendar, physical inbox (where papers and mail and such go) my digital notes (from classes and projects and such) and my task manager.

It's really nice in that it makes sure nothing important falls through the cracks and I know what tasks and projects are coming up, and my various inboxes stay empty or manageably small. It's great, but it often ends up taking 2-3 hours. sometimes even more, if I've been traveling or super busy and things have built up. I also had all sorts of other nice things built into the review, where I'd go over my big goals and visions and core values and important reminders.

But I was feeling like I was spending too much time organizing my tasks etc. and not enough doing them, so I spent a while trying to make these weekly reviews take less time. I was getting it a bit faster, from an average of 2:30 hours to maybe 1:40, but couldn't get it below that.

Then I had the idea to MAKE myself do it in an hour. I set a timer, and rather than trying to do it "faster" I thought in terms of "I only have an hour to do this, so how can I do that?"

This approach won't work for all things, but it apperently works great for projects that tend to expand to take the time allotted to them. The last two weeks in a row, I've gotten them done in an hour. Makes me want to do a happy jig.

There are downsides. I have to be hyper-focused, so I don't get distracted by anything, and I create a lot of additional tasks, because instead of just doing it while I do the weekly review, I'm filing it away for later, so I can get the review done in an hour. So it's not perfect, but it's a lot better, and I'm pretty happy about that. Often, I finagle and try things out, hoping to save time and get more efficient, only to find it didn't make much of a difference, and I wasted a bunch of time, trying out something new.

This actually worked, and it has me wondering where else I can apply this principle. Where else can I set an artificial, doable but tight time deadline, to make myself do something much more efficiently?

Probably reading textbooks. Household chores. Maybe even my various projects in general. I'm looking forward to trying it out, but it's also exhausting, so I need to pace myself when doing it. It means I'll sleep well at night though.

I think there are some situations where that is not ideal though. When I'm being creative, or thinking deeply, or solving a hard problem, I don't want to be taking shortcuts or feeling time-pressure. Time pressure is more fight and flight systems, which leads to narrowed vision, less creativity and flexibility. Probably also why it can be exhausting. But perhaps like weightlifting, you need to exhaust yourself at least a little bit, so you can get stronger. As long as you also have enough rest factored in.

In any case, when quality and depth are not important, this seems like a pretty great tool.

-I Out

Shorts when it's cold

This is a short, because there is much to do. A story I shared with my volunteer class the other day, on the topic of making good use of your time. A devotee was sitting with a spiritual master, and asked how they could fit into the day all the things they were trying to do, when it constantly felt like there wasn't enough time. (I can relate, obviously, so this story is for me most of all, thus why I remember it, perhaps.) The Master asked, "did you eat today?" student/devotee "yes..." "did you use the restroom?" "yes...?" 'so then, you do have time, for the things that are really important to you. It is not a matter of not having enough time, it is a matter of priorities. If you really feel something must get done, it will get done.'

I don't know if those were the exact words, but that was the jist. It's making me reflect for myself: what are my actual priorities? Am I acting on them? Is there something I really should prioritize, that I'm not, and instead doing something easy or fun or that has a false sense of urgency or importance? An interesting question to ask oneself. 

(And yes, I know it's important to have fun, play, and rest sometimes as well. I do plenty of that, I don't need help with that, so I'm not focused on it. Though I could probably stand to focus on more high-quality forms of rest and play, that give me more bang for my time buck.)

And that's my short for the day, though it is conversly time to pack up my shorts for the season, since it's finally getting cold now. Though it's in that transition period, where it goes from the 40's and 50's at night, to the 70's during the day, so it does get hot by the afternoon, in the sun. But I'm not going to switch to shorts partway through the day.

Oh, did I mention the groundhog? Suzannah set a trap, but no luck. It triggered it the first night but didn't get caught, and has left it alone since then. We may need a different approach, like the groundhog stinkballs to discourage them from hanging out under our shed.

Wood, Willpower, and Warmth

I'm listening to a fantastic book, "the willpower instinct" by Kelly McGonigal. She's a Stanford university professor and collects a lot of useful research about willpower, much of which I hadn't encountered elsewhere, and packages it in an easy to read and implement way. Highly recommended if you are interested in having more willpower. (And who wouldn't like that?)

The weather really feels like fall now, though it's still getting warm by the afternoon.

There is SO MUCH to do. The surfaces of the house are getting covered in more and more clutter, a visual representation of not having the time to do basic maintenance activities. Normal grad school, I suppose.

I'm convinced that just 'doing it faster' is not the solution to having too much to do. I think more likely it is a mixture of doing less stuff, prioritizing important stuff, and doing stuff with more focus. Maybe also time-limiting stuff to make sure I'm doing it efficiently. However, the maintained focus and awareness need for changing how I do things is also another energy (and somewhat time) input, so it's the catch 22 of needing to put in MORE time and energy to fix the problem of not having enough time and energy.

The cats are getting cuddly again, muddying the waters of if they really love us or just find us convenient sources of warmth.

It's wood gathering season. Suzannah has her eyes on some fallen tree wood for our wood burning fireplace, and may enlist me to help cut it up with the promise of getting to use a chainsaw.

OK, time to get back to work. Hope you are all well and sending my love.

-Isaac

Groundhogs, pink tips, and internships

Back home, hitting the ground running fast. First SSE class (teaching children good values) starts this weekend, Master's classes in full swing with the uncompletable amounts of readings, and a need to start reaching out to counseling centers ASAP to find a good internship location and supervisor. Weekly review, house upkeep tasks, etc. I'd forgotten the feeling of having so much more to do than could possibly be completed. Summer was just having a lot more that I wanted to do than I could ever complete. I wonder how much of a difference that really is?

Anyhoo, it's busy. Also we have a groundhog in our backyard, digging up the ground under our shed. The weather is nice and cool. I had a dream with one of our cats in it. The hydrangeas are starting to go pink at the tops of the flower balls. I'm just spouting off random things because I want to finish this quickly and still give you some idea of what my life is like. The weekend trip was also super busy, but really rewarding. Great to get to see fellow SSE teachers and students current, past, and future. Lots of really great and good people.

OK! The end for now. Good night, and good luck out there!

-Isaac

Fantasy, Florida, Four AM

 School has started, I'm prepping for an event I'm helping to run over the weekend, for which I'm flying out to Orlando Florida on Saturday. At 7 am. Which either means getting up at 4 am, or driving up the night before and getting a hotel and getting up at 5:30 am. I'm not sure it's worth the hotel and extra hassle just to save an hour and a half of sleep, so I'm thinking it will just be an early morning.

There are a lot of moving parts, but I'm getting them done. But then there are classes, which have just started up again. Getting into the swing of that. And more importantly, internship placement. It is very much time to start asking around and find where I'm going to be spending a year doing my internship. I'd like it to be a good fit, so that's an important task.

The weather is great right now, it's really starting to feel like fall. hot during the afternoon and cool at night. I also finally got my tooth fixed so I don't need to floss after every meal because of stuck food. And got my vision checked so I can get new prescription lenses for my sunglasses. And a haircut. A very busy week. We are full on back into the swing of things.

And I'm enjoying listening to good fantasy books while I do chores. Right now it's The Wheel of Time series.

OK, that's my quick update, back to work (though at this point in the evening, more like time to get ready for bed.)

Hope you all are well,

Isaac

Sick Day

I'm sick! And tired. Stayed in bed resting most of the day to try and get it done with before my trip. which is in two days. Sore throat and fatigue. Bit of a runny nose, that's it. Probably a mix of the previous airport travel, being exposed to everyone else, and then some late nights, maybe some sugar.

In any case, trying to get rested and get packed and take care of loose ends, before I've got to get on the road again. Not a great way to go into a vacation, but ah well. I should probably wear a mask everywhere as a courtesy to everyone else.

Dew licking, Hydrangea sniffing, Internship searching

 Just a Quicky:

I've got a squirrel at my sit spot that likes to lick the morning dew off one specific pot. It's very cute, and I just saw him doing it for the second time today.

Also, the Hydrangeas are blooming now and it's so pretty, they are so full, it's almost like poofy clouds. I imagine a bed made out of them, soft and fluffy and smelling of flowers.

I'm leaving so soon for my next trip, after just getting back from my last one. Plus all the stuff I've got to work on, preparing for school starting up again, for the event I'm helping to run on labor day weekend (another trip after this upcoming one), and searching for an internship site.

That's all for today. I'll be seeing some of you soon in Delaware (I think it's Delaware?)

- I Out

Probably Some Zen Monk

Thematically related to previous post: I had a conversation with myself, where I was talking about how frustrating it was that another person wasn't doing something. Then I realized I wasn't doing that thing. So I started doing that. And let go of trying to control the other person. Now I'm happier and in a better place to support that other person. There's a quote about that, probably from a Zen monk or something. It sounds Zen. It's, "Attend your own lectures."

It's very often true. If you find yourself giving advice in your head to someone, double check if that advice isn't better delivered to yourself. Usually it is. Even if it would be useful for someone else, you have no control over what they do with it, but you have supreme control over what YOU do with it.

Also useful for keeping oneself humble. If it's such good advice, or so simple to follow, you do it first.

If someone else is stressed out, and it's stressing you out, and you want them to stop being stressed out so you feel better, you should probably figure out how to deal with our own stuff first. Once you actually have, the other person being stressed out is a moot point, and again, you're in a better position to be of actual help to them.

Leading a Sad Horse to Happy Water

 Moar poasts!

I'm sad. I'm sad because Suzannah is sad. It's interesting how one's happiness an be tied up in another. And then you want to control the other person and make them be happy. But it doesn't work like that. You can't "do" happiness for someone else, it's an internal phenomenon, and trying to force it on someone else is not only ineffective, but generally counter productive, because telling someone you don't like them being unhappy can make them more unhappy. Generally, hard feelings need to be acknowledged, accepted, heard, received, to then release on their own.

And though there are definite actions one can take, to improve one's well being, trying to make someone else take those actions is also often counter productive. Psychological reactance dictates that when you try and force someone to do something, even if they kind of wanted to do it to start with, they will then switch to not wanting to do it, as a reaction to that attempt to coerce, force, control.

This is one of the reasons I'm so interested in Motivational Interviewing, it's about how to talk to people about change, without making it harder for them to change. To in fact make it easier.

There's this concept they call "the righting reflex" where we try and tell people what they should do, or get them to do what we think they should do, that MI specifically says it's best to avoid. It's got a name because it's kind of a knee-jerk reaction most of us have, to other people struggling. Maybe that's what I'm dealing with.

But I know I dislike it when I'm on the receiving end of that righting reflex, so I want to do things a better way. Still figuring out what that looks like though.

I'll leave this post there, as there are plenty more to write to catch up on my backlog.

Oh, I suppose I should take the other side for a bit though, and say sometimes advice is great and useful. But usually best to ask if it's wanted, before giving it. And good to remember there's often a better approach.

Boundary issues, children, chaos, and teacher flashbacks

Waiting for my router to finish updating firmware, so I thought I'd write a little blog post.

My Nephews are in town (wife's side) and it's interesting being with them. I like them and they are generally well behaved and good natured. The young one is still pretty young though, so there is a kind of testing of boundaries. We had a few times recently with a bunch of kids around and there is a certain level of chaos that happens, unless you are constantly on the children. Some of them are pretty good, some a bit more chaotic. But get enough, and at least one is going to create some chaos. That might mean peanut butter smeared absent-mindedly on a wall or some items lost to who-knows-were.

That plus some adult factors gave me a little bit of flash-backs to being a teacher. The subtle tug-of-war I constantly experienced, that was me setting boundaries, and kids pushing them as far as they would go. This is an issue if you are not a great multi-tasker, because it's super easy for a kid to get away with stuff, if you are doing something else and not also paying close attention to them. Especially when they are playing around near the edges of your boundaries, where you need extra awareness and focus. Having gotten out of practice, I feel like I could have handled some of the situations better. So, also flashbacks to some of my feelings of inadequacy as a disciplinarian and classroom manager.

OK, done with the firmware update, time to go to dinner. So time to end this post.

We're having a sleepover with the two older boys this weekend while their parents do a quick trip, so opportunities to play, connect, and maybe do better.

Unsubscribe.

 OK! it is now a week after my classes ended, and I've got enough breathing room to do a blog or two (or three, or six. we'll see how many I can get it.)

It took that long to take care of all the things that had backed up while I focused on the time sensitive big projects. But now I'm back to current. I have an issue with that though. I've got a nice system that keeps things from slipping through the cracks. No buried emails or upcoming events I failed to put into my calendar. It works pretty well for that. not perfect, but especially for really important things, good enough.

But it takes a pretty hefty amount of time to maintain. It's like the equivalent of middle management. Not actually producing anything of import, just trying to facilitate the actual work getting done. And like with middle management, it has the tendency to get bloated and sluggish, because... I don't know why. Maybe it's a "who watches the watchmen?" thing because nobody is making sure the managers are being efficient. Probably there are some competing incentives.

With me in specific, part of it is just the nature of email, to be full of distractions that are so easy to get distracted by. It's kind of like I'm fighting my genetically programmed tendency to be curious. That was great in the bush, where curiosity could lead to useful discoveries, but when there are effectively infinite interesting rabbit trails to go down via the internet, that tendency would lead to never sticking with any one trail long enough to get an actual rabbit.

I could go the "unsubscribe from everything" rout, an Odysseus contract that makes it easier by changing the environment, but I don't know if that will cause missed opportunities I'll regret. I think the certainty of missed opportunities caused by wasting my time on email may be worth it though. Suzannah recently discovered a place in gmail where you can see all your subscriptions and unsubscribe from any that you want, and I think I will do that right now. I'll probably keep a few, but just the bare minimum.

Hopefully this is not another rabbit trail. (I used to call them rabbit holes, but I think rabbit trails is a bit more accurate. They're not taking me to Wonderland. Just... around.

Kale, busy weeks, hastas

 I like writing, and writing in the informal, off-the-cuff personal style of a blog. Just because I don't have time to do so at length, isn't a good reason to stop altogether. There is something about regularity, ritual, routine, that is soothing, and maintaining some degree of momentum with the rituals and routines you like, seems like a good thing, to me.

This is all to say: it's a super duper busy week, so this will be another short one, but I didn't want to miss posting all together. Among the things that are due are: an article for a small newsletter I was asked to write (due the 10th) my final paper (due the 13th) most of the planning for an in-person retreat I'm doing with some other teachers from the volunteer program I do on the weekends (tomorrow, Tuesday) and saving the documents for my previous semester class, before it becomes unavailable (due by the 13th). Those are the main ones, but there are others, some just general life admin and maintenance stuff, some other kinds of commitments, like the trip up to Des Moines with my wife to drop her at the airport (and go see some theater while we're there to make it a fun outing.)

The Hasta's are blooming, something I've never before been aware enough to track, day by day, watching the long stems emerge from the close to the ground leaves and slowly bud and flower. Also, some day lillies by the shed are finally blooming, and a burdock is getting huge nearby, leaves bigger than dinner plates.

Yesterday I picked a bunch of kale from the garden and sauteed it up for lunch. The garden is starting to really produce, and it's fun to be eating from it (though again, something that takes time when I have little).

It will all work out, though it may mean spending less time on each of the individual tasks than I would like, doing less of my normal maintenance things than usual, and not doing as much as I can get away with, aside from the essential.

What do I do, when I'm unhappy? Do I hide it, thus isolating myself, but "shielding" those who read this from the fact that I am unhappy? Or do I share, in the spirit of honesty, authenticity, and openness, thus connecting more deeply with you, but potentially making you experience negative emotions as a result? I generally lean towards authenticity, but it is true that what we read or otherwise consume has a subtle but profound effect on our feelings and behaviors. Not sure how to resolve that connundrum at the moment.

With love and wishes for your own flourishing,

-Isaac

Example of my sit spot journals

April 16th 2025

[This stuff in brackets is not from the original post, but my current thoughts. This post got squirreled away in a folder and I just found it recently, so it's getting posted now. Gives an idea of what my sit spots are like, though more recently they've been a bit more sporadic and superficial, and usually haven't included journals sadly. Part of having less time]

So much can happen in five days in spring. I've come back to my sit spot after being away for April 11-15th and if feels like spring has already happened. the japanese maple buds I was waiting for to see them open into leaves have already opened, though they are still droopy, the redbuds I've been waiting to see bloom have bloomed in my absence, as have the daffodils. The old ornamental pear was already blooming but now is totally bloomed, and the two young fruit trees I was waitin gon have also now bloomed. The hyacinths are also in lull bloom and intoxicating in their smell. the air in general is laden with the smell of flowers. the Hastqa's have con from little spears to beginning to unfold their leave, the bushes that were just starting to leaf out are now bushy, the silver maple who's helicopter seeds were tiny are now heavy with huge clusters of what looks like fully grown seeds. and the birds and squirrels are singing and scrambling about all over the place. spring springs so quickly, it seems. Just 5 days and it feels half done already.

Perhaps it's just like seeing a nephew after a half year, they look so different and bigger, but the parents don't' notice it as much, because they are seeing the growth day by day. Having that interval of not seeing, makes the contrast much bigger.

I've nibbled on the japanese maple leaves (tasty and sour) and the redbud buds (a little astringent and sweet along with the sour. I wonder if people can eat teh hastas. the deer certainly like them, but that's not a sure sign of anything, deer eat lots that we can't.

looking up at the huge ball of flowers that is the pear tree, I imagine being the squirrel with a nest in it, living surrounded by masses of flowers. It looks like what I imagine part of heaven might look like.

This is a particularly long entry in my sits spot journal, which I thought I'd share with you as a blog post as well, so you can see what it looks like. Though I wrote it from the beginning thinking I would share it as such so the grammar and structure might be a bit more readable that otherwise.

[as a note looking at this much later, it's wild to think about how different things are now, so full and lush]

Emotions Comics

Here is a little comic I drew one day, when I wanted to do something creative and had a general idea I wanted to convey in comic form. It's been a while (months) since I drew it and I have been meaning to post it since them. But through the magic of not telling you, the wait will feel like mere seconds. Here it is:

There are a bunch more elements to this, but I a) didn't have time to draw them at the time and b) didn't want to busy the simple comic with too many details, alternate paths, and addendums.

But I'll mention some of them here.

- if you put the emotions to the side for too long, they can go 'stale' or even go 'bad' (think: something you left in the fridge for too long, not a moral judgment.) Then they are harder to integrate, and have negative repercussions in your life (think: "what's that weird smell" constantly in the background because something in the fridge has gone bad)

- often there is an element of knowledge, or information, the the emotion is trying to convey to you. If you can accurately parse what that is, "what are you trying to tell me?" that can also diffuse much or all of the intensity of the emotion. Like someone knocking on your door to deliver an important message, progressively getting louder, then banging, then shouting. Once they give you the message and know it's been received, they go away.

- In regards to that last one: sometimes (often) the information is very useful, but sometimes we've developed phobias or maladaptive coping patterns or biases, and then the information isn't necessarily accurate. But it still needs to be heard and acknowledged to let it dissipate.

- If you keep putting a wall up and pushing away uncomfortable emotions, they don't actually keep getting bigger forever, emotions constantly fluctuate, and we can't maintain high intensity for very long. However, even if they are just pretty bad, from being repressed or distracted from, the cost is high. Like having a bunch of interest on a credit card that you have to pay off every week, the emotions you're pushing away are taking a toll on your general well-being.

- Also related to that pathway, often, at some point, the emotion gets big enough that it breaks through the wall. This is someone having a freak-out, or blowing up at someone else, etc., over something that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Sometimes that does integrate the feeling, though likely un-gracefully and with hurt feelings and guilt about the blow-up. Often it does not. The cause of the feeling is projected onto someone else, out there, and so why should I have to do anything (like welcome with awareness my feelings) because it's something out there that needs to change for me to feel better, not something inside me. And the inside work doesn't get done.

There are some other related elements: how often the welcoming in of the emotion brings the information it has. How sometimes expressing the feelings in a more active way helps integrate the emotions. How doing this process can give us better access to more accurate intuitive and 'felt sense' information coming in. How this process relates to motivation, how we often have opposing motivations that keep us frozen or vacillating back and forth without making much forward progress. And how this process can facilitate gaining wisdom, beyond just information.

As I said, there was a lot I could have added. Maybe in other comics that are addendums or continuations of this one (going off in different paths, like a choose your own adventure?)

But there is wisdom in simplicity, and in doing something, even if it isn't everything. So here it is.

Jumping Jehoshaphat!

I've got a bunch of simple blog post ideas or full posts I've captured but haven't turned into actual posts or published. In an effort to keep from falling behind, and catch up some, I'm going to do a few of those.

Starting with this one. This is just a video that made me smile. I hope it makes you smile too. Laughing and being playful is part of what makes life good, even when it's hard, and it can be a great unifier, healer, and help us touch the alive and holy part of ourselves. Also, being too serious seems like a bad idea.

Here it is:

Loss, Compassion, Community

One more post before I get back to work.

I've got at least one more big piece of news, and it's sad, so brace yourself. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant (I always find it a little odd saying that, we're trying, but it's her who's getting pregnant. Still, it seems even more off to talk about her as separate from me, as we're in this endeavor together.)

Anyways, she just had a, I don't know if you call it a miscarriage technically, but basically that's what it is. A non-viable pregnancy. The embryo (not sure if that's the right word for it's current development. Zygote?) stopped developing somewhere around 5-6 weeks, they say usually that's because something is wrong with the genetics, and the body realizes it's not going to be a viable birth. But it's still in there, so they have to get the body to pass it out so we can try again. It's painful physically and emotionally, and has been really hard on her, but she feels strongly that she doesn't want to hide it. The pressure to hide miscarriages, like they are a shameful thing, just serves to isolate the people who most need support, when they most need it, and give it the air of something abnormal, when it's really quite common. It was helpful for her to talk with friends who have also gone through similar things, to normalize it somewhat and feel less alone, and she doesn't want me to hide it, so I'm sharing about it, since it is certainly one of the biggest things going on in my life. At the moment, the biggest.

Because this is the kind of thing that people call to offer condolences or such about, I want to talk a bit about grief, and morning, and how people respond to and try and support others going through that.

I think in our culture, we are often either afraid of people who have suffered a loss, and thus hide from them, because we are (perhaps rightly) afraid that we don't know what to do to comfort them. Or we burden them, making gestures that are about making us feel better, rather than about what they actually want or need. We try to give them unwelcome advice, or tell them to cheer up, because we are uncomfortable just sitting with them in compassion and listening, or being around someone who's sad and maybe crying. 

I should probably include a link to the difference between compassion and sympathy. Here:

https://youtu.be/KZBTYViDPlQ?si=9Z-5kFQb-DB-bIXg

(they talk about it as empathy vs. sympathy, but it's what I mean. Just different vocabulary. This is how you can be there for someone in a way that actually helps.)

In any case, each person's grief is different, and the specifics of what they want and need is different, and so there is an element of figuring out what the person wants and needs, which can be difficult, because they may not know themselves. The things that I often go to, that seem generally positive are: I listen, and I'm present. Basically what the video talks about.

If they are a friend, I try to be a friend for them in the ways I've always been. I let them know I am there for them, that they are not alone, and to call on me if they need anything. I might offer suggestions for how I could support them, if they don't have any ideas and would like some. 

If they are a close friend, then I try to stay in contact more frequently. I think just knowing you're not alone, that you have a community that loves you, is there for you, is one of the simple, big things. And having someone, somewhere, who sees you, understands you, and accepts you, as you are. 

Things I specifically don't do: I don't offer unsolicited advice. I don't judge. I don't suggest they should feel differently. I don't put them in the position of having to comfort me. Honestly, I'm sure I do some of these things sometimes, I'm not perfect. But I avoid them as best I can, because they're the things I wouldn't want. 

Other miscellaneous thoughts: 

I think support for those who have lost something should be like a group hug, with those in the center those who were closest to the loss. They shouldn't have to be supporting those further away. 

Often when people ask "are you ok?" it can feel like them wanting you to comfort them, and is just more burden on the person who's going through a hard time. Don't ask unless it is coming from a good place, meaning, for example, you are ok with the answer being 'no' and you are ready to listen patiently with empathy and acceptance. 

Perhaps this is just born from my own pet peeve about how people ask "how are you" but don't actually want to know. I remember when I decided to answer honestly (this was during my undergraduate degree) and my response was mostly along the lines of "pretty crappy" and people were deeply concerned and I had to spend a bunch of time explaining that this was just my baseline state and everything was normal. I guess what people actually mean when they ask 'how are you?' is 'please confirm you are not in imminent threat of death.' but I guess that's a lot longer and more overtly morbid, though more accurate to the subtext of the question? Except I don't think people actually want to know that either. Maybe a more accurate translation is "please affirm or pretend everything is ok so we can continue with our regularly scripted social interaction" 

Every now and then someone asks "how are you?" and the really mean it, want to know, are ready to celebrate if it's good and hold space with empathy if it's not, and that's magical. But that is sadly uncommon.

anyhoo, that's quite the digression.

The short of it is, I guess, if you're gonna do something for someone who's suffered a loss, just double check: is this to make me feel better, or is this truely for them? Am I offering empathy or sympathy? And make sure they are not alone. Maybe that's you, maybe that's someone else. But we all need our people.

Just my thoughts.

This turned into a longer post (to write, at least) which is probably another reason I don't end up catching up that much in any one session. Eventually I get to a topic that takes a bit more thought.

OK, signing off for today.

Helicopter seeds, crickets, Strawberry Moon

 OK, next post. Little things: yesterday, I heard my first cricket of the season. I heard it at night, under the strawberry moon, and then the next morning, during my sit spot. But today, I didn't hear it. It was just one, so maybe it's gone somewhere else. There was some other kind of buzzing insect though, that had replaced it. Not sure what it is. Katydid? Something to investigate.

The squirrel in the ornamental pear tree (the one that had a huge branch fall on our shed during a heavy winter snow storm, two years ago? I think.) started chittering at me like mad when I came out today. Not sue why, he hadn't done that to me in a long time. Did I do something different? Was something different for him? I've started doing a little weeding at the end of my sit spot, for Suzannah's sake. We have some rock garden areas, that are getting taken over by weeds, so I'm pulling out most of them, and then some others, including maple seeds that are growing from between the wood planks that make up the back porch. I assume if I let those grow they would end up breaking apart the porch, so I probably shouldn't do that. Otherwise I'd want to keep them though, they're beautiful as little vibrant green seedlings poking through the cracks. It's amazing what a huge quantity of helicopter seeds has fallen all over our yard. The big old silver maple was prolific this year. 

OK, that seems good for another little post. I think I'll keep going with at least one more.

Curiosity about my recent lack of blogs.

I continue to get further and further behind. I wonder why that is? Have I gotten less interested in blogging? Not really. Or decided that it's less important? Maybe? But that doesn't quite feel like it either. I think I've just gotten out of the habit of doing it, and I've had a long stretch where I've been really trying to get a few big important projects completed, and so a lot of the little things have fallen by the wayside, while I focus on them. Plus changes to my routine, from breaks or what-not, have gotten me out of my normal pacing.

This hasn't been with just blogging. My weekly review, watering the plants, cleaning the cat water bowl (we've got a fountain one, which has a filter and a large reservoir, so it's possible to just leave it for quite a while, but it does get kinda gross if I forget about it.) all these get pushed further and further back.

And now that classes are back on, their is another set of things to do. I do get to blogging, just, less than once a week, and when I do sit down, I don't have enough time to catch all the way back up, especially since each time I take some time to do it, there are more in the backlog than the last time.

Give that it's only one per week, that means the times I've stopped to do this are pretty far and few between, and the fact that it doesn't feel like that long since I've done a post, is kind of a marker of how quickly time is passing.

I got a linear, year one one big page calendar. I just put the big things on it, to try and get a sense of how long I have for various things. Every week or so, I draw a line through the days that have passed since I last looked at it, and it really gives a sense of how quickly time is speeding by. It's almost alarming. It certainly gives me a sense of urgency, a desire to use each day and each hour well. Perhaps this is why there have been less blog posts. While I care about doing them, there have been, are, a bunch of things I care about more, that I've been focusing on.

I think I'll stop this post for now, though I'm going to continue writing, as a second post.

Why is this break different from all other breaks? (on this break we eat only Matzah)

 So, what's different this break? I'm not 100% sure. 

One of the things the book I'm reading mentions is how bad we are at explaining the reasons behind our hunches, (unless we are an expert in that field) and how in fact, trying to explain them can make them much less accurate, as we then try and match our actions to the reasons we've given, which is no longer making use of the unconscious super-computer brain system of ours. For example, maybe you just get a bad feeling about someone you met. But then you either a) try to explain it away rationally, and don't listen (and the hunch was correct) or you try and put a reason to why you feel that way, like "he chewed with his mouth open" and then start judging other people who chew with their mouths open, as bad, even though you are not getting an actual hit from your subconscious pattern recognition apparatus. Even just switching from intuitive non-verbal "right-brain" feelings and intuitions, to trying to explain it with logic and words, tends to reduce peoples accuracy and ability to access accurate information from their subconscious.

There are other factors that can interfere as well, aside from going verbal and logical, but that is one of them.

All this to say: I'm gonna do that, and take a guess, but I don't know if my guess is actually relevant to the change I've noticed. 

But the change itself is this: I've been more focused on my tasks. I've got a list of the things I'd like to be working on, and instead of, say, binging an anime, or going down a rabbit hole fiddling with non-important projects, I've been working on the tasks I've written down, to a fair degree.

It feels a bit like discipline, or sense controle. Directing my attention and actions where I want them to go, according to my deeper values and priorities.

This is way better than in the past, when I'd have a break, get really excited about all the stuff I was going to get done, and then either totally goof off, of go down deep, deep, unimportant rabbit holes for hours and days.

One thing that I think is probably related, is I have a nice curated list, of small-ish, but important, projects, that I want to get done. It makes it really easy, when I'm feeling low energy and low brain-power in the evenings, to still have things on a list, that I really want to get done, and that I can do even when not at my sharpest.

In addition, after finishing a task, I don't have to just wait for some immediate cue to direct me on to my next one, I can go back to my list and see what I've decided is most important, when ranked against all my little tasks that I could do. (in general. I don't have them numbered, just generally grouped in terms of "do soon" "do after that" and "maybe never do")

However, I've noticed an issue with this: while it's quite satisfying, and does get a lot done, it tends to neglect the bigger tasks I need to do. I avoid them in favor of the low hanging fruit. I can hear the ghosts of productivity books past wispering in my ear: "break those big projects into at least one, small, immediate next action, and put that on your list instead, to reduce the barrier to entry." And that may work, in some instances.

But I think some of the tasks just need numerous hours of sitting and working through it with minimal interruptions, and so I need a different strategy, like blocking off a good sized chunk of time in my day, ahead of time for just working on one of those types of important projects.

In any case, always room to improve, but already, it feels like a great improvement. Continual progress being made, rather than occasional. Momentum, and focus. And feeling good about how I spent the day, at the end of it.

Oh, one other thing that might be helping with that: I write down all the things I did accomplish, throughout the day, so I have an artifact at the end of the day, proving to myself that I actually did a bunch of useful stuff. Seems unnecessary, but I tend to forget most of the stuff I do, and then feel bad at the end of the day, wondering what I spent all that time on. This lets me feel a bit more accomplishment, which is itself a motivator that then gets me doing more stuff. Also, if I really didn't do much during a day, that's good to know as well.

OK, gonna stop catching up on blogs for now. The other thing the list does, is create an subconscious kind of motivation for me to be frugal with my time. I look at the list, of all the meaningful or important things I want to do, and then the less important things get put into proper perspective. Maybe I still do some of them, but I spend less time on them.

Other uses: when I'm between tasks, or I need a break where I'm doing something physical, I can look at my list and find something important and chore-y which uses my body. Or if I only have a few minutes before my next appointment, I can choose something short.

And importantly, I've always got the things I need to do, that are coming up soon, at the top of the list, so I don't let important things slip through the cracks.

I think the main issue is that the system doesn't work well with the big intensive long projects. At some point I want to install the habit of a deep work time-chunk, where I only work on those big tasks. But that's a new habit to instal, so I have to make sure there are no other big habits I need to work on more urgently. Though come to think of it, perhaps that is a good one to do...

No, I think first I want a "get up early" habit, so I've got a nice morning chunk, to do that deep work in. And for that to be sustainable, I need a 'go to bed early' habit, so that's the one I need to focus on to start with. But keeping that longer term goal in mind: a good, regular chunk of time where I work in big, important, maybe creative, projects, is good motivation for doing it.

OK, that's all for now, probably not another one till the party is over.

All the best,

Isaac

Partys, Projects, and Being Old.

 What else... well I suppose the big thing coming up is my birthday! I'm going to be almost 40. I'd be alarmed at how old I am, but I basically accepted that I was a fossil some time around 28, and I've had the mentality of a cranky old man since I was in single digits, so it doesn't really feel like a surprise. Not to mention I'm always thinking about my own inevitable demise and the utter uncertainty of when it will be, in an attempt to spur myself on to using what life I have in a good way, particularly the present moment (which is all any of us ever have).

In some ways I feel like my whole life is a dress rehearsal for my death, so that when it comes time to leave I can do so without a gnashing of teeth and fear, but with a sense of acceptance, gratitude for the life I had, and satisfaction with how I used it. Not there yet, but getting there more and more.

I've got a birthday party coming up, that is a lot of work and energy. I'm trying to make it a ritual that is meaningful, and gives something back to my dear friends and family, who add so much richness to my life.

And I've got a few projects I was trying to get done during my break between classes, but it's looking like that's not going to happen, since classes start back up next Monday. It will be less intense than last summer, since it's only one class, but I still don't know how much I'll be able to get done while the class is going on. We'll see. There's also a bunch of travel, which will make it more difficult to get multiple big projects done or moved significantly forward. There tends to be a certain amount of time and focus needed, to bring a project to completion, and when my focus is split too much, it seems not to happen. I'm working on it though, and definitely making some progress, in how I approach these things. (The main improvement recently simply being "stop trying to do so much stuff.")

On the plus side, I've been really productive so far, this break, and it feels like a whole different pattern from usual. But I'll save the rest of that for my next post.

Uncle-ing Sprint Conclusion, Blink, Appearance vs. Content

OK, things are simmering down a bit. I just had Suzannah's sister's family visiting for a few days, and so I was on full-time uncle duty, which is rewarding but also exhausting, so yesterday was basically recuperation. They were only here for two days though, so I gave them as much of my time as I could. 

And before that was cleaning up the house to make it presentable for company, a concept I am familiar with, but in the same way I've heard about cultural customs in different countries. If I'm having somewhat over, The only cleaning I'm doing is to clear things off of surfaces so there is a place to sit and put things. What you see is what you get. Which is not terribly messy, but I've always been a content guy, more than an appearances guy. But Suzannah very much wants a clean house for guests, so I'm helping.

This makes me thing of the book I'm currently listening to, which is making a point that appearance affects the experience of content. Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. He talks about marketing researchers that found the packaging foods are in significantly affects people's perceptions of the thing in the packaging. Not surprising, but not something I think about every day. I'm listening to the book because I had a dream where I was part of a book club on it, and the dream had some other elements that made it impactful. So, two months later, it's off the waiting list and I'm going through it when I have time.

Which is less than previously, as I've discovered I'm unfortunately less efficient when doing chores while listening to books on tape. Sad, as that was my main opportunity to listen, so I'm still doing it a bit, but I'm also trying to get a lot done, so often I'm just really focused on, say, cleaning dishes quickly. Especially tasks like cooking that require a lot of focus for me because they are far from automatic and require paying attention to inputs like sounds and sights and smells and careful timings and some off the cuff problem solving.

Hmm, I have a lot of these posts to write to catch up, so I'm thinking I should end this one here and just start another one for my next train of thought.

Though I've kind of rambled, so I'd like to give some kind of concluding wrap up. I'm really into the book, it relates to my 'navigation by felt sense' idea I've been playing with, as well as some other experiences with intuition, especially from Tom Brown Jr.'s courses.

May Birthdays

 Another short one, because I can, and to keep up. I'm in spring break, but I'm not lazing about. There are lots of things I want to get done, and I'm working through them as best I can. Sometimes breaks seem even more full, because there is no schedule, and I can try to do too much, in my euphoria of having free-time. I'm trying to keep it focused this time, and maybe half succeeding? Also, it's beautiful spring weather, which I'm really enjoying. cool breeze, dappled sunlight, not many bugs yet, getting to know a Cardinal pair I'm calling Romeo and Juliet, which I think might be building a nest right behind my morning "sit and enjoy nature" spot, in the Japanese maple growing there.

OK, off to the next thing (which is a fun thing. Board game with friends! Actually, dinner first. But then!)

Also, May is full of birthdays! Happy Birthday to my Mom, to Dylan (a friend from college) and tomorrow, to Ted!

I've been listening to a book called "Give and Take" by Adam Grant, and he mentions that people tend to like other people, places, things, that share some quality with them, such as part of a name, or an unusual hobby or interest. I suspect that is what's going on with my collecting of May birthdays. But in any case, it's fun.

See you next time!

-Isaac

Two issues with sharing wisdom and experience.

 So I've been talking about this "navigation by felt-sense" thing that is difficult to describe, but has been very powerful for me. And of course, when I find something cool that's really helpful, I want to share it with others. But as I think about doing that, two issues come to mind:

1. I've been working on this for a long time. The various strands that had to come together stretch back probably almost 20 years. I think I've forgotten how challenging a lot of the process is, forgotten a lot of the road bumps and difficulties, and so trying to teach someone else may run into the problem that experts get when I ask them to explain how they are so good at what they do (like I was trying to do with teachers I really admired.) So much has become automatic, that they are not really good at actually teaching what they do. They think things should be easy and obvious, but there are a dozen steps of gradual increases in skill and awareness that need to happen, to get to that point, and they've forgotten about them. So I'm not sure I'll actually be able to teach this well. Though I'd really like to, since it's so useful to me. but that leads to the second issue:

2. This is a problem/pattern I think most people have issues with, including me. The pattern goes like this: we discover something that is great for us: a diet, a dating strategy that lands us our partner, a type of exercise, a form of spirituality or religion, a brand of barbecue sauce. So we tell all our friends they should do x thing as well. We are very convinced of the things goodness and efficacy and stridently argue for it with whoever seems less than blissfully content. The intention is good: we found something that changed our lives for the better and want other people to have that as well. Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that helpful for them. People are unique and complex, and something that happens to be really useful for one person, at that particular point in their life, with that particular confluence of internal and external factors, is not actually useful for the other person, with their different set of factors. Your friend doesn't need the barbeque sauce or to find God, it turns out they need something entirely different. Something you don't know.

The issues this leads to are varied: if the acquaintance is desperate enough or unsure of themselves, then your confidence convinces them and they do the thing. But likely it doesn't work. Then maybe you say they must not be doing it right, or enough, and maybe they try even harder, but it's still not working, because it will never solve their problem, because they need a nail hammered and you're telling them to use this great screwdriver. So they waste a bunch of their time and maybe feel like there is something wrong with them, or maybe they get irritated at you and stop trusting your advice, or they start getting tired of you continually suggesting they take up aerobic snorkeling practice or start reading Nietzsche, and they start avoiding you or internally rolling their eyes and tuning out when you talk about it.

There are other possibilities as well. The bottom line is, many of us have this tendency, and it's not actually helpful when we do it, and I'm concerned this felt-sense thing might be one of those situations, so if I do want to make it more accessible to people who are interested, I need to make sure I'm not falling into that pothole.

Then there are those people like me (past me? I hope?) who already think there's something wrong with them they need to fix, and are actively looking for answers. When they find someone who sounds confident enough and makes a good enough case for their thing, they give it a try. Seems harmless, but if they do it again and again, it ends up wasting a bunch of time. I think these people need something to help empower them to trust themselves and figure out what they need for themselves. Self-referencing vs. deferring to outside authority.

That is a process in itself though, and not a quick one, in my experience.

As with all this stuff. It's not a binary, some authority and outside direction is useful. Doctors and medical tests and teachers and mentors. You just hope you get good ones that keep nudging you to be more and more self-referential rather than making you more and more reliant on them. I guess I'm just making note of the potential issues with sharing this.

for #1, I probably need to do regular checking in and getting feedback, to make sure things are actually landing properly and helping. for #2, I need to make sure I'm leaning towards supporting self determination and self-referencing and building of self-confidence vs. creating dependencies. And primarily that I am not doing any pushing. I want to throw a party and invite people, not crash someone else's party and make it about me.

That's my thoughts for this week. Wanted to write this one down as it seems actually important since I may reference and use these thoughts at some point down the line, if I do try and share this with others.

All good to you, whoever is reading this.

-Isaac

P.S. this is completely skipping the other similar looking situation, where someone is doing something, and has serious doubts about it themselves, and tries to convince other people to do the thing too, in order to shore up their own feelings of uncertainty. Or similarly, the person is NOT doing the thing, and instead of working on themselves, points the arrow outside, focusing on how OTHER people should be doing the thing. There's not really anything to ponder there about right and wrong, though, so not worth a post. Just needs to be identified and avoided.