Fantasy, Florida, Four AM

 School has started, I'm prepping for an event I'm helping to run over the weekend, for which I'm flying out to Orlando Florida on Saturday. At 7 am. Which either means getting up at 4 am, or driving up the night before and getting a hotel and getting up at 5:30 am. I'm not sure it's worth the hotel and extra hassle just to save an hour and a half of sleep, so I'm thinking it will just be an early morning.

There are a lot of moving parts, but I'm getting them done. But then there are classes, which have just started up again. Getting into the swing of that. And more importantly, internship placement. It is very much time to start asking around and find where I'm going to be spending a year doing my internship. I'd like it to be a good fit, so that's an important task.

The weather is great right now, it's really starting to feel like fall. hot during the afternoon and cool at night. I also finally got my tooth fixed so I don't need to floss after every meal because of stuck food. And got my vision checked so I can get new prescription lenses for my sunglasses. And a haircut. A very busy week. We are full on back into the swing of things.

And I'm enjoying listening to good fantasy books while I do chores. Right now it's The Wheel of Time series.

OK, that's my quick update, back to work (though at this point in the evening, more like time to get ready for bed.)

Hope you all are well,

Isaac

Sick Day

I'm sick! And tired. Stayed in bed resting most of the day to try and get it done with before my trip. which is in two days. Sore throat and fatigue. Bit of a runny nose, that's it. Probably a mix of the previous airport travel, being exposed to everyone else, and then some late nights, maybe some sugar.

In any case, trying to get rested and get packed and take care of loose ends, before I've got to get on the road again. Not a great way to go into a vacation, but ah well. I should probably wear a mask everywhere as a courtesy to everyone else.

Dew licking, Hydrangea sniffing, Internship searching

 Just a Quicky:

I've got a squirrel at my sit spot that likes to lick the morning dew off one specific pot. It's very cute, and I just saw him doing it for the second time today.

Also, the Hydrangeas are blooming now and it's so pretty, they are so full, it's almost like poofy clouds. I imagine a bed made out of them, soft and fluffy and smelling of flowers.

I'm leaving so soon for my next trip, after just getting back from my last one. Plus all the stuff I've got to work on, preparing for school starting up again, for the event I'm helping to run on labor day weekend (another trip after this upcoming one), and searching for an internship site.

That's all for today. I'll be seeing some of you soon in Delaware (I think it's Delaware?)

- I Out

Probably Some Zen Monk

Thematically related to previous post: I had a conversation with myself, where I was talking about how frustrating it was that another person wasn't doing something. Then I realized I wasn't doing that thing. So I started doing that. And let go of trying to control the other person. Now I'm happier and in a better place to support that other person. There's a quote about that, probably from a Zen monk or something. It sounds Zen. It's, "Attend your own lectures."

It's very often true. If you find yourself giving advice in your head to someone, double check if that advice isn't better delivered to yourself. Usually it is. Even if it would be useful for someone else, you have no control over what they do with it, but you have supreme control over what YOU do with it.

Also useful for keeping oneself humble. If it's such good advice, or so simple to follow, you do it first.

If someone else is stressed out, and it's stressing you out, and you want them to stop being stressed out so you feel better, you should probably figure out how to deal with our own stuff first. Once you actually have, the other person being stressed out is a moot point, and again, you're in a better position to be of actual help to them.

Leading a Sad Horse to Happy Water

 Moar poasts!

I'm sad. I'm sad because Suzannah is sad. It's interesting how one's happiness an be tied up in another. And then you want to control the other person and make them be happy. But it doesn't work like that. You can't "do" happiness for someone else, it's an internal phenomenon, and trying to force it on someone else is not only ineffective, but generally counter productive, because telling someone you don't like them being unhappy can make them more unhappy. Generally, hard feelings need to be acknowledged, accepted, heard, received, to then release on their own.

And though there are definite actions one can take, to improve one's well being, trying to make someone else take those actions is also often counter productive. Psychological reactance dictates that when you try and force someone to do something, even if they kind of wanted to do it to start with, they will then switch to not wanting to do it, as a reaction to that attempt to coerce, force, control.

This is one of the reasons I'm so interested in Motivational Interviewing, it's about how to talk to people about change, without making it harder for them to change. To in fact make it easier.

There's this concept they call "the righting reflex" where we try and tell people what they should do, or get them to do what we think they should do, that MI specifically says it's best to avoid. It's got a name because it's kind of a knee-jerk reaction most of us have, to other people struggling. Maybe that's what I'm dealing with.

But I know I dislike it when I'm on the receiving end of that righting reflex, so I want to do things a better way. Still figuring out what that looks like though.

I'll leave this post there, as there are plenty more to write to catch up on my backlog.

Oh, I suppose I should take the other side for a bit though, and say sometimes advice is great and useful. But usually best to ask if it's wanted, before giving it. And good to remember there's often a better approach.

Boundary issues, children, chaos, and teacher flashbacks

Waiting for my router to finish updating firmware, so I thought I'd write a little blog post.

My Nephews are in town (wife's side) and it's interesting being with them. I like them and they are generally well behaved and good natured. The young one is still pretty young though, so there is a kind of testing of boundaries. We had a few times recently with a bunch of kids around and there is a certain level of chaos that happens, unless you are constantly on the children. Some of them are pretty good, some a bit more chaotic. But get enough, and at least one is going to create some chaos. That might mean peanut butter smeared absent-mindedly on a wall or some items lost to who-knows-were.

That plus some adult factors gave me a little bit of flash-backs to being a teacher. The subtle tug-of-war I constantly experienced, that was me setting boundaries, and kids pushing them as far as they would go. This is an issue if you are not a great multi-tasker, because it's super easy for a kid to get away with stuff, if you are doing something else and not also paying close attention to them. Especially when they are playing around near the edges of your boundaries, where you need extra awareness and focus. Having gotten out of practice, I feel like I could have handled some of the situations better. So, also flashbacks to some of my feelings of inadequacy as a disciplinarian and classroom manager.

OK, done with the firmware update, time to go to dinner. So time to end this post.

We're having a sleepover with the two older boys this weekend while their parents do a quick trip, so opportunities to play, connect, and maybe do better.

Unsubscribe.

 OK! it is now a week after my classes ended, and I've got enough breathing room to do a blog or two (or three, or six. we'll see how many I can get it.)

It took that long to take care of all the things that had backed up while I focused on the time sensitive big projects. But now I'm back to current. I have an issue with that though. I've got a nice system that keeps things from slipping through the cracks. No buried emails or upcoming events I failed to put into my calendar. It works pretty well for that. not perfect, but especially for really important things, good enough.

But it takes a pretty hefty amount of time to maintain. It's like the equivalent of middle management. Not actually producing anything of import, just trying to facilitate the actual work getting done. And like with middle management, it has the tendency to get bloated and sluggish, because... I don't know why. Maybe it's a "who watches the watchmen?" thing because nobody is making sure the managers are being efficient. Probably there are some competing incentives.

With me in specific, part of it is just the nature of email, to be full of distractions that are so easy to get distracted by. It's kind of like I'm fighting my genetically programmed tendency to be curious. That was great in the bush, where curiosity could lead to useful discoveries, but when there are effectively infinite interesting rabbit trails to go down via the internet, that tendency would lead to never sticking with any one trail long enough to get an actual rabbit.

I could go the "unsubscribe from everything" rout, an Odysseus contract that makes it easier by changing the environment, but I don't know if that will cause missed opportunities I'll regret. I think the certainty of missed opportunities caused by wasting my time on email may be worth it though. Suzannah recently discovered a place in gmail where you can see all your subscriptions and unsubscribe from any that you want, and I think I will do that right now. I'll probably keep a few, but just the bare minimum.

Hopefully this is not another rabbit trail. (I used to call them rabbit holes, but I think rabbit trails is a bit more accurate. They're not taking me to Wonderland. Just... around.

Kale, busy weeks, hastas

 I like writing, and writing in the informal, off-the-cuff personal style of a blog. Just because I don't have time to do so at length, isn't a good reason to stop altogether. There is something about regularity, ritual, routine, that is soothing, and maintaining some degree of momentum with the rituals and routines you like, seems like a good thing, to me.

This is all to say: it's a super duper busy week, so this will be another short one, but I didn't want to miss posting all together. Among the things that are due are: an article for a small newsletter I was asked to write (due the 10th) my final paper (due the 13th) most of the planning for an in-person retreat I'm doing with some other teachers from the volunteer program I do on the weekends (tomorrow, Tuesday) and saving the documents for my previous semester class, before it becomes unavailable (due by the 13th). Those are the main ones, but there are others, some just general life admin and maintenance stuff, some other kinds of commitments, like the trip up to Des Moines with my wife to drop her at the airport (and go see some theater while we're there to make it a fun outing.)

The Hasta's are blooming, something I've never before been aware enough to track, day by day, watching the long stems emerge from the close to the ground leaves and slowly bud and flower. Also, some day lillies by the shed are finally blooming, and a burdock is getting huge nearby, leaves bigger than dinner plates.

Yesterday I picked a bunch of kale from the garden and sauteed it up for lunch. The garden is starting to really produce, and it's fun to be eating from it (though again, something that takes time when I have little).

It will all work out, though it may mean spending less time on each of the individual tasks than I would like, doing less of my normal maintenance things than usual, and not doing as much as I can get away with, aside from the essential.

What do I do, when I'm unhappy? Do I hide it, thus isolating myself, but "shielding" those who read this from the fact that I am unhappy? Or do I share, in the spirit of honesty, authenticity, and openness, thus connecting more deeply with you, but potentially making you experience negative emotions as a result? I generally lean towards authenticity, but it is true that what we read or otherwise consume has a subtle but profound effect on our feelings and behaviors. Not sure how to resolve that connundrum at the moment.

With love and wishes for your own flourishing,

-Isaac

Example of my sit spot journals

April 16th 2025

[This stuff in brackets is not from the original post, but my current thoughts. This post got squirreled away in a folder and I just found it recently, so it's getting posted now. Gives an idea of what my sit spots are like, though more recently they've been a bit more sporadic and superficial, and usually haven't included journals sadly. Part of having less time]

So much can happen in five days in spring. I've come back to my sit spot after being away for April 11-15th and if feels like spring has already happened. the japanese maple buds I was waiting for to see them open into leaves have already opened, though they are still droopy, the redbuds I've been waiting to see bloom have bloomed in my absence, as have the daffodils. The old ornamental pear was already blooming but now is totally bloomed, and the two young fruit trees I was waitin gon have also now bloomed. The hyacinths are also in lull bloom and intoxicating in their smell. the air in general is laden with the smell of flowers. the Hastqa's have con from little spears to beginning to unfold their leave, the bushes that were just starting to leaf out are now bushy, the silver maple who's helicopter seeds were tiny are now heavy with huge clusters of what looks like fully grown seeds. and the birds and squirrels are singing and scrambling about all over the place. spring springs so quickly, it seems. Just 5 days and it feels half done already.

Perhaps it's just like seeing a nephew after a half year, they look so different and bigger, but the parents don't' notice it as much, because they are seeing the growth day by day. Having that interval of not seeing, makes the contrast much bigger.

I've nibbled on the japanese maple leaves (tasty and sour) and the redbud buds (a little astringent and sweet along with the sour. I wonder if people can eat teh hastas. the deer certainly like them, but that's not a sure sign of anything, deer eat lots that we can't.

looking up at the huge ball of flowers that is the pear tree, I imagine being the squirrel with a nest in it, living surrounded by masses of flowers. It looks like what I imagine part of heaven might look like.

This is a particularly long entry in my sits spot journal, which I thought I'd share with you as a blog post as well, so you can see what it looks like. Though I wrote it from the beginning thinking I would share it as such so the grammar and structure might be a bit more readable that otherwise.

[as a note looking at this much later, it's wild to think about how different things are now, so full and lush]

Emotions Comics

Here is a little comic I drew one day, when I wanted to do something creative and had a general idea I wanted to convey in comic form. It's been a while (months) since I drew it and I have been meaning to post it since them. But through the magic of not telling you, the wait will feel like mere seconds. Here it is:

There are a bunch more elements to this, but I a) didn't have time to draw them at the time and b) didn't want to busy the simple comic with too many details, alternate paths, and addendums.

But I'll mention some of them here.

- if you put the emotions to the side for too long, they can go 'stale' or even go 'bad' (think: something you left in the fridge for too long, not a moral judgment.) Then they are harder to integrate, and have negative repercussions in your life (think: "what's that weird smell" constantly in the background because something in the fridge has gone bad)

- often there is an element of knowledge, or information, the the emotion is trying to convey to you. If you can accurately parse what that is, "what are you trying to tell me?" that can also diffuse much or all of the intensity of the emotion. Like someone knocking on your door to deliver an important message, progressively getting louder, then banging, then shouting. Once they give you the message and know it's been received, they go away.

- In regards to that last one: sometimes (often) the information is very useful, but sometimes we've developed phobias or maladaptive coping patterns or biases, and then the information isn't necessarily accurate. But it still needs to be heard and acknowledged to let it dissipate.

- If you keep putting a wall up and pushing away uncomfortable emotions, they don't actually keep getting bigger forever, emotions constantly fluctuate, and we can't maintain high intensity for very long. However, even if they are just pretty bad, from being repressed or distracted from, the cost is high. Like having a bunch of interest on a credit card that you have to pay off every week, the emotions you're pushing away are taking a toll on your general well-being.

- Also related to that pathway, often, at some point, the emotion gets big enough that it breaks through the wall. This is someone having a freak-out, or blowing up at someone else, etc., over something that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Sometimes that does integrate the feeling, though likely un-gracefully and with hurt feelings and guilt about the blow-up. Often it does not. The cause of the feeling is projected onto someone else, out there, and so why should I have to do anything (like welcome with awareness my feelings) because it's something out there that needs to change for me to feel better, not something inside me. And the inside work doesn't get done.

There are some other related elements: how often the welcoming in of the emotion brings the information it has. How sometimes expressing the feelings in a more active way helps integrate the emotions. How doing this process can give us better access to more accurate intuitive and 'felt sense' information coming in. How this process relates to motivation, how we often have opposing motivations that keep us frozen or vacillating back and forth without making much forward progress. And how this process can facilitate gaining wisdom, beyond just information.

As I said, there was a lot I could have added. Maybe in other comics that are addendums or continuations of this one (going off in different paths, like a choose your own adventure?)

But there is wisdom in simplicity, and in doing something, even if it isn't everything. So here it is.

Jumping Jehoshaphat!

I've got a bunch of simple blog post ideas or full posts I've captured but haven't turned into actual posts or published. In an effort to keep from falling behind, and catch up some, I'm going to do a few of those.

Starting with this one. This is just a video that made me smile. I hope it makes you smile too. Laughing and being playful is part of what makes life good, even when it's hard, and it can be a great unifier, healer, and help us touch the alive and holy part of ourselves. Also, being too serious seems like a bad idea.

Here it is:

Loss, Compassion, Community

One more post before I get back to work.

I've got at least one more big piece of news, and it's sad, so brace yourself. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant (I always find it a little odd saying that, we're trying, but it's her who's getting pregnant. Still, it seems even more off to talk about her as separate from me, as we're in this endeavor together.)

Anyways, she just had a, I don't know if you call it a miscarriage technically, but basically that's what it is. A non-viable pregnancy. The embryo (not sure if that's the right word for it's current development. Zygote?) stopped developing somewhere around 5-6 weeks, they say usually that's because something is wrong with the genetics, and the body realizes it's not going to be a viable birth. But it's still in there, so they have to get the body to pass it out so we can try again. It's painful physically and emotionally, and has been really hard on her, but she feels strongly that she doesn't want to hide it. The pressure to hide miscarriages, like they are a shameful thing, just serves to isolate the people who most need support, when they most need it, and give it the air of something abnormal, when it's really quite common. It was helpful for her to talk with friends who have also gone through similar things, to normalize it somewhat and feel less alone, and she doesn't want me to hide it, so I'm sharing about it, since it is certainly one of the biggest things going on in my life. At the moment, the biggest.

Because this is the kind of thing that people call to offer condolences or such about, I want to talk a bit about grief, and morning, and how people respond to and try and support others going through that.

I think in our culture, we are often either afraid of people who have suffered a loss, and thus hide from them, because we are (perhaps rightly) afraid that we don't know what to do to comfort them. Or we burden them, making gestures that are about making us feel better, rather than about what they actually want or need. We try to give them unwelcome advice, or tell them to cheer up, because we are uncomfortable just sitting with them in compassion and listening, or being around someone who's sad and maybe crying. 

I should probably include a link to the difference between compassion and sympathy. Here:

https://youtu.be/KZBTYViDPlQ?si=9Z-5kFQb-DB-bIXg

(they talk about it as empathy vs. sympathy, but it's what I mean. Just different vocabulary. This is how you can be there for someone in a way that actually helps.)

In any case, each person's grief is different, and the specifics of what they want and need is different, and so there is an element of figuring out what the person wants and needs, which can be difficult, because they may not know themselves. The things that I often go to, that seem generally positive are: I listen, and I'm present. Basically what the video talks about.

If they are a friend, I try to be a friend for them in the ways I've always been. I let them know I am there for them, that they are not alone, and to call on me if they need anything. I might offer suggestions for how I could support them, if they don't have any ideas and would like some. 

If they are a close friend, then I try to stay in contact more frequently. I think just knowing you're not alone, that you have a community that loves you, is there for you, is one of the simple, big things. And having someone, somewhere, who sees you, understands you, and accepts you, as you are. 

Things I specifically don't do: I don't offer unsolicited advice. I don't judge. I don't suggest they should feel differently. I don't put them in the position of having to comfort me. Honestly, I'm sure I do some of these things sometimes, I'm not perfect. But I avoid them as best I can, because they're the things I wouldn't want. 

Other miscellaneous thoughts: 

I think support for those who have lost something should be like a group hug, with those in the center those who were closest to the loss. They shouldn't have to be supporting those further away. 

Often when people ask "are you ok?" it can feel like them wanting you to comfort them, and is just more burden on the person who's going through a hard time. Don't ask unless it is coming from a good place, meaning, for example, you are ok with the answer being 'no' and you are ready to listen patiently with empathy and acceptance. 

Perhaps this is just born from my own pet peeve about how people ask "how are you" but don't actually want to know. I remember when I decided to answer honestly (this was during my undergraduate degree) and my response was mostly along the lines of "pretty crappy" and people were deeply concerned and I had to spend a bunch of time explaining that this was just my baseline state and everything was normal. I guess what people actually mean when they ask 'how are you?' is 'please confirm you are not in imminent threat of death.' but I guess that's a lot longer and more overtly morbid, though more accurate to the subtext of the question? Except I don't think people actually want to know that either. Maybe a more accurate translation is "please affirm or pretend everything is ok so we can continue with our regularly scripted social interaction" 

Every now and then someone asks "how are you?" and the really mean it, want to know, are ready to celebrate if it's good and hold space with empathy if it's not, and that's magical. But that is sadly uncommon.

anyhoo, that's quite the digression.

The short of it is, I guess, if you're gonna do something for someone who's suffered a loss, just double check: is this to make me feel better, or is this truely for them? Am I offering empathy or sympathy? And make sure they are not alone. Maybe that's you, maybe that's someone else. But we all need our people.

Just my thoughts.

This turned into a longer post (to write, at least) which is probably another reason I don't end up catching up that much in any one session. Eventually I get to a topic that takes a bit more thought.

OK, signing off for today.

Helicopter seeds, crickets, Strawberry Moon

 OK, next post. Little things: yesterday, I heard my first cricket of the season. I heard it at night, under the strawberry moon, and then the next morning, during my sit spot. But today, I didn't hear it. It was just one, so maybe it's gone somewhere else. There was some other kind of buzzing insect though, that had replaced it. Not sure what it is. Katydid? Something to investigate.

The squirrel in the ornamental pear tree (the one that had a huge branch fall on our shed during a heavy winter snow storm, two years ago? I think.) started chittering at me like mad when I came out today. Not sue why, he hadn't done that to me in a long time. Did I do something different? Was something different for him? I've started doing a little weeding at the end of my sit spot, for Suzannah's sake. We have some rock garden areas, that are getting taken over by weeds, so I'm pulling out most of them, and then some others, including maple seeds that are growing from between the wood planks that make up the back porch. I assume if I let those grow they would end up breaking apart the porch, so I probably shouldn't do that. Otherwise I'd want to keep them though, they're beautiful as little vibrant green seedlings poking through the cracks. It's amazing what a huge quantity of helicopter seeds has fallen all over our yard. The big old silver maple was prolific this year. 

OK, that seems good for another little post. I think I'll keep going with at least one more.

Curiosity about my recent lack of blogs.

I continue to get further and further behind. I wonder why that is? Have I gotten less interested in blogging? Not really. Or decided that it's less important? Maybe? But that doesn't quite feel like it either. I think I've just gotten out of the habit of doing it, and I've had a long stretch where I've been really trying to get a few big important projects completed, and so a lot of the little things have fallen by the wayside, while I focus on them. Plus changes to my routine, from breaks or what-not, have gotten me out of my normal pacing.

This hasn't been with just blogging. My weekly review, watering the plants, cleaning the cat water bowl (we've got a fountain one, which has a filter and a large reservoir, so it's possible to just leave it for quite a while, but it does get kinda gross if I forget about it.) all these get pushed further and further back.

And now that classes are back on, their is another set of things to do. I do get to blogging, just, less than once a week, and when I do sit down, I don't have enough time to catch all the way back up, especially since each time I take some time to do it, there are more in the backlog than the last time.

Give that it's only one per week, that means the times I've stopped to do this are pretty far and few between, and the fact that it doesn't feel like that long since I've done a post, is kind of a marker of how quickly time is passing.

I got a linear, year one one big page calendar. I just put the big things on it, to try and get a sense of how long I have for various things. Every week or so, I draw a line through the days that have passed since I last looked at it, and it really gives a sense of how quickly time is speeding by. It's almost alarming. It certainly gives me a sense of urgency, a desire to use each day and each hour well. Perhaps this is why there have been less blog posts. While I care about doing them, there have been, are, a bunch of things I care about more, that I've been focusing on.

I think I'll stop this post for now, though I'm going to continue writing, as a second post.

Why is this break different from all other breaks? (on this break we eat only Matzah)

 So, what's different this break? I'm not 100% sure. 

One of the things the book I'm reading mentions is how bad we are at explaining the reasons behind our hunches, (unless we are an expert in that field) and how in fact, trying to explain them can make them much less accurate, as we then try and match our actions to the reasons we've given, which is no longer making use of the unconscious super-computer brain system of ours. For example, maybe you just get a bad feeling about someone you met. But then you either a) try to explain it away rationally, and don't listen (and the hunch was correct) or you try and put a reason to why you feel that way, like "he chewed with his mouth open" and then start judging other people who chew with their mouths open, as bad, even though you are not getting an actual hit from your subconscious pattern recognition apparatus. Even just switching from intuitive non-verbal "right-brain" feelings and intuitions, to trying to explain it with logic and words, tends to reduce peoples accuracy and ability to access accurate information from their subconscious.

There are other factors that can interfere as well, aside from going verbal and logical, but that is one of them.

All this to say: I'm gonna do that, and take a guess, but I don't know if my guess is actually relevant to the change I've noticed. 

But the change itself is this: I've been more focused on my tasks. I've got a list of the things I'd like to be working on, and instead of, say, binging an anime, or going down a rabbit hole fiddling with non-important projects, I've been working on the tasks I've written down, to a fair degree.

It feels a bit like discipline, or sense controle. Directing my attention and actions where I want them to go, according to my deeper values and priorities.

This is way better than in the past, when I'd have a break, get really excited about all the stuff I was going to get done, and then either totally goof off, of go down deep, deep, unimportant rabbit holes for hours and days.

One thing that I think is probably related, is I have a nice curated list, of small-ish, but important, projects, that I want to get done. It makes it really easy, when I'm feeling low energy and low brain-power in the evenings, to still have things on a list, that I really want to get done, and that I can do even when not at my sharpest.

In addition, after finishing a task, I don't have to just wait for some immediate cue to direct me on to my next one, I can go back to my list and see what I've decided is most important, when ranked against all my little tasks that I could do. (in general. I don't have them numbered, just generally grouped in terms of "do soon" "do after that" and "maybe never do")

However, I've noticed an issue with this: while it's quite satisfying, and does get a lot done, it tends to neglect the bigger tasks I need to do. I avoid them in favor of the low hanging fruit. I can hear the ghosts of productivity books past wispering in my ear: "break those big projects into at least one, small, immediate next action, and put that on your list instead, to reduce the barrier to entry." And that may work, in some instances.

But I think some of the tasks just need numerous hours of sitting and working through it with minimal interruptions, and so I need a different strategy, like blocking off a good sized chunk of time in my day, ahead of time for just working on one of those types of important projects.

In any case, always room to improve, but already, it feels like a great improvement. Continual progress being made, rather than occasional. Momentum, and focus. And feeling good about how I spent the day, at the end of it.

Oh, one other thing that might be helping with that: I write down all the things I did accomplish, throughout the day, so I have an artifact at the end of the day, proving to myself that I actually did a bunch of useful stuff. Seems unnecessary, but I tend to forget most of the stuff I do, and then feel bad at the end of the day, wondering what I spent all that time on. This lets me feel a bit more accomplishment, which is itself a motivator that then gets me doing more stuff. Also, if I really didn't do much during a day, that's good to know as well.

OK, gonna stop catching up on blogs for now. The other thing the list does, is create an subconscious kind of motivation for me to be frugal with my time. I look at the list, of all the meaningful or important things I want to do, and then the less important things get put into proper perspective. Maybe I still do some of them, but I spend less time on them.

Other uses: when I'm between tasks, or I need a break where I'm doing something physical, I can look at my list and find something important and chore-y which uses my body. Or if I only have a few minutes before my next appointment, I can choose something short.

And importantly, I've always got the things I need to do, that are coming up soon, at the top of the list, so I don't let important things slip through the cracks.

I think the main issue is that the system doesn't work well with the big intensive long projects. At some point I want to install the habit of a deep work time-chunk, where I only work on those big tasks. But that's a new habit to instal, so I have to make sure there are no other big habits I need to work on more urgently. Though come to think of it, perhaps that is a good one to do...

No, I think first I want a "get up early" habit, so I've got a nice morning chunk, to do that deep work in. And for that to be sustainable, I need a 'go to bed early' habit, so that's the one I need to focus on to start with. But keeping that longer term goal in mind: a good, regular chunk of time where I work in big, important, maybe creative, projects, is good motivation for doing it.

OK, that's all for now, probably not another one till the party is over.

All the best,

Isaac

Partys, Projects, and Being Old.

 What else... well I suppose the big thing coming up is my birthday! I'm going to be almost 40. I'd be alarmed at how old I am, but I basically accepted that I was a fossil some time around 28, and I've had the mentality of a cranky old man since I was in single digits, so it doesn't really feel like a surprise. Not to mention I'm always thinking about my own inevitable demise and the utter uncertainty of when it will be, in an attempt to spur myself on to using what life I have in a good way, particularly the present moment (which is all any of us ever have).

In some ways I feel like my whole life is a dress rehearsal for my death, so that when it comes time to leave I can do so without a gnashing of teeth and fear, but with a sense of acceptance, gratitude for the life I had, and satisfaction with how I used it. Not there yet, but getting there more and more.

I've got a birthday party coming up, that is a lot of work and energy. I'm trying to make it a ritual that is meaningful, and gives something back to my dear friends and family, who add so much richness to my life.

And I've got a few projects I was trying to get done during my break between classes, but it's looking like that's not going to happen, since classes start back up next Monday. It will be less intense than last summer, since it's only one class, but I still don't know how much I'll be able to get done while the class is going on. We'll see. There's also a bunch of travel, which will make it more difficult to get multiple big projects done or moved significantly forward. There tends to be a certain amount of time and focus needed, to bring a project to completion, and when my focus is split too much, it seems not to happen. I'm working on it though, and definitely making some progress, in how I approach these things. (The main improvement recently simply being "stop trying to do so much stuff.")

On the plus side, I've been really productive so far, this break, and it feels like a whole different pattern from usual. But I'll save the rest of that for my next post.

Uncle-ing Sprint Conclusion, Blink, Appearance vs. Content

OK, things are simmering down a bit. I just had Suzannah's sister's family visiting for a few days, and so I was on full-time uncle duty, which is rewarding but also exhausting, so yesterday was basically recuperation. They were only here for two days though, so I gave them as much of my time as I could. 

And before that was cleaning up the house to make it presentable for company, a concept I am familiar with, but in the same way I've heard about cultural customs in different countries. If I'm having somewhat over, The only cleaning I'm doing is to clear things off of surfaces so there is a place to sit and put things. What you see is what you get. Which is not terribly messy, but I've always been a content guy, more than an appearances guy. But Suzannah very much wants a clean house for guests, so I'm helping.

This makes me thing of the book I'm currently listening to, which is making a point that appearance affects the experience of content. Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. He talks about marketing researchers that found the packaging foods are in significantly affects people's perceptions of the thing in the packaging. Not surprising, but not something I think about every day. I'm listening to the book because I had a dream where I was part of a book club on it, and the dream had some other elements that made it impactful. So, two months later, it's off the waiting list and I'm going through it when I have time.

Which is less than previously, as I've discovered I'm unfortunately less efficient when doing chores while listening to books on tape. Sad, as that was my main opportunity to listen, so I'm still doing it a bit, but I'm also trying to get a lot done, so often I'm just really focused on, say, cleaning dishes quickly. Especially tasks like cooking that require a lot of focus for me because they are far from automatic and require paying attention to inputs like sounds and sights and smells and careful timings and some off the cuff problem solving.

Hmm, I have a lot of these posts to write to catch up, so I'm thinking I should end this one here and just start another one for my next train of thought.

Though I've kind of rambled, so I'd like to give some kind of concluding wrap up. I'm really into the book, it relates to my 'navigation by felt sense' idea I've been playing with, as well as some other experiences with intuition, especially from Tom Brown Jr.'s courses.

May Birthdays

 Another short one, because I can, and to keep up. I'm in spring break, but I'm not lazing about. There are lots of things I want to get done, and I'm working through them as best I can. Sometimes breaks seem even more full, because there is no schedule, and I can try to do too much, in my euphoria of having free-time. I'm trying to keep it focused this time, and maybe half succeeding? Also, it's beautiful spring weather, which I'm really enjoying. cool breeze, dappled sunlight, not many bugs yet, getting to know a Cardinal pair I'm calling Romeo and Juliet, which I think might be building a nest right behind my morning "sit and enjoy nature" spot, in the Japanese maple growing there.

OK, off to the next thing (which is a fun thing. Board game with friends! Actually, dinner first. But then!)

Also, May is full of birthdays! Happy Birthday to my Mom, to Dylan (a friend from college) and tomorrow, to Ted!

I've been listening to a book called "Give and Take" by Adam Grant, and he mentions that people tend to like other people, places, things, that share some quality with them, such as part of a name, or an unusual hobby or interest. I suspect that is what's going on with my collecting of May birthdays. But in any case, it's fun.

See you next time!

-Isaac

Two issues with sharing wisdom and experience.

 So I've been talking about this "navigation by felt-sense" thing that is difficult to describe, but has been very powerful for me. And of course, when I find something cool that's really helpful, I want to share it with others. But as I think about doing that, two issues come to mind:

1. I've been working on this for a long time. The various strands that had to come together stretch back probably almost 20 years. I think I've forgotten how challenging a lot of the process is, forgotten a lot of the road bumps and difficulties, and so trying to teach someone else may run into the problem that experts get when I ask them to explain how they are so good at what they do (like I was trying to do with teachers I really admired.) So much has become automatic, that they are not really good at actually teaching what they do. They think things should be easy and obvious, but there are a dozen steps of gradual increases in skill and awareness that need to happen, to get to that point, and they've forgotten about them. So I'm not sure I'll actually be able to teach this well. Though I'd really like to, since it's so useful to me. but that leads to the second issue:

2. This is a problem/pattern I think most people have issues with, including me. The pattern goes like this: we discover something that is great for us: a diet, a dating strategy that lands us our partner, a type of exercise, a form of spirituality or religion, a brand of barbecue sauce. So we tell all our friends they should do x thing as well. We are very convinced of the things goodness and efficacy and stridently argue for it with whoever seems less than blissfully content. The intention is good: we found something that changed our lives for the better and want other people to have that as well. Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that helpful for them. People are unique and complex, and something that happens to be really useful for one person, at that particular point in their life, with that particular confluence of internal and external factors, is not actually useful for the other person, with their different set of factors. Your friend doesn't need the barbeque sauce or to find God, it turns out they need something entirely different. Something you don't know.

The issues this leads to are varied: if the acquaintance is desperate enough or unsure of themselves, then your confidence convinces them and they do the thing. But likely it doesn't work. Then maybe you say they must not be doing it right, or enough, and maybe they try even harder, but it's still not working, because it will never solve their problem, because they need a nail hammered and you're telling them to use this great screwdriver. So they waste a bunch of their time and maybe feel like there is something wrong with them, or maybe they get irritated at you and stop trusting your advice, or they start getting tired of you continually suggesting they take up aerobic snorkeling practice or start reading Nietzsche, and they start avoiding you or internally rolling their eyes and tuning out when you talk about it.

There are other possibilities as well. The bottom line is, many of us have this tendency, and it's not actually helpful when we do it, and I'm concerned this felt-sense thing might be one of those situations, so if I do want to make it more accessible to people who are interested, I need to make sure I'm not falling into that pothole.

Then there are those people like me (past me? I hope?) who already think there's something wrong with them they need to fix, and are actively looking for answers. When they find someone who sounds confident enough and makes a good enough case for their thing, they give it a try. Seems harmless, but if they do it again and again, it ends up wasting a bunch of time. I think these people need something to help empower them to trust themselves and figure out what they need for themselves. Self-referencing vs. deferring to outside authority.

That is a process in itself though, and not a quick one, in my experience.

As with all this stuff. It's not a binary, some authority and outside direction is useful. Doctors and medical tests and teachers and mentors. You just hope you get good ones that keep nudging you to be more and more self-referential rather than making you more and more reliant on them. I guess I'm just making note of the potential issues with sharing this.

for #1, I probably need to do regular checking in and getting feedback, to make sure things are actually landing properly and helping. for #2, I need to make sure I'm leaning towards supporting self determination and self-referencing and building of self-confidence vs. creating dependencies. And primarily that I am not doing any pushing. I want to throw a party and invite people, not crash someone else's party and make it about me.

That's my thoughts for this week. Wanted to write this one down as it seems actually important since I may reference and use these thoughts at some point down the line, if I do try and share this with others.

All good to you, whoever is reading this.

-Isaac

P.S. this is completely skipping the other similar looking situation, where someone is doing something, and has serious doubts about it themselves, and tries to convince other people to do the thing too, in order to shore up their own feelings of uncertainty. Or similarly, the person is NOT doing the thing, and instead of working on themselves, points the arrow outside, focusing on how OTHER people should be doing the thing. There's not really anything to ponder there about right and wrong, though, so not worth a post. Just needs to be identified and avoided.

Hyacinth bloom. Focus.

 Another week passes. The hyacinths at my sti spot have started blooming and smelling wonderful. I'm working all the time these days on the papers that are due, and the other projects that are due, week by week and day by day. Busy, but getting it done. Not much time for extra things though.

That said, I'm also traveling to the east coast to be with family for Passover. Another reason I'm focusing intently on getting things done now, so I can actually spend time being present with them.

That's all for this week. Maybe another week and a half and I can come up for air.

All the best!

-Isaac

The unnatural second layer of being. Beautiful plants.

 Also here's last weeks post, because I'm trying not to fall more behind than the six or so blog posts I'm already behind.

It's pretty great seeing all the plants blooming and growing and leaves budding out. My favorite time of year. I really want to eat some dandelion greens while they're still young and tender, but I've got to be careful because we sprayed around the house for ants (Suzannah's prerogative) and we have cats (which like to pee outside in the mulch, one of the places the dandelions grow). Pee I can wash off, but pesticides I really don't want to mess with. The unfortunate complications of a modern forager.

One thing I'm thinking about (but won't have time to elaborate on here): I've been noticing... for lack of a better word, the masks we wear. That's not quite the right word, but it's like a layer on top of and covering the real person. It seems like it has something to do with being self conscious, worrying what other people will think about you, judging yourself based on external standards, deciding to do things based on external standards. It makes people have stage fright and act unnatural in many ways, vs. just being true to their nature, like animals and small children are good at. But it's more complicated, because adults are more mentally complex, and that can't be avoided, and shouldn't be.

I think it's linked to the 'felt sense' stuff as well. all tied together.

OK, that's all for now.

With love to you, dear friends and family

-I

Death and Taxes, 2025 edition.

 Two papers and taxes due right around April 13th-15th, so this is a particularly busy time.

That means, this is this weeks post.  Hah!

Frozen Buds. Meaning. Karma Yoga.

 Alright, new week, I am at least not going to get further behind.

As I get better at being organized, focused, prioritized, and productive, something else becomes more clear: doing all those things is not going to make my life feel meaningful. It's useful to have those skills and habits, but it's unwise to do them with the expectation of fulfilment and happiness, though they can reduce stress.

So what is it that I can focus on, that will lead to feeling like I am living a worthwhile, meaningful, purposeful life. That just fundamentally, feels good?

Current hypothesis is a mixture of the habit of following my felt sense of rightness (talked about in some previous posts) and the approach to action ("karma yoga") advocated for in the Bhagavad Gita. Haven't talked about that so much recently, but I should probably do a post on it, as much to clarify for myself, as for anyone reading.

OK, that's another short one for the week. Spring is here but it's going back to winter each night, the crazy storm system mostly left us alone, aside from some heavy winds and a bit of thunderstorm, thankfully. I wonder what the fruit trees will do, with all the highs and lows in temperature. That might end up freezing the buds or flowers, and then they wouldn't have fruit.

Happy spring to all,

-Isaac

Budding

 I wonder what it was that got me so behind on my blogs. It wasn't that I had especially less time than usual. It seems more like, when I'm really pushing to add something new into my life, like integrating a realization, adding in a new habit, pushing to complete a big side project, that a lot of my regular optional things tend to get pushed to the side.

I've been working on a few things, which I think have been bearing fruit, and which have been taking that energy and focus. I've been trying to work through a bunch of my little miscellaneous small tasks that fill up my todo lists. I've also been trying to work with more rigor. That just means, instead of spending time goofing off, I'm spending it on things that matter. If I'm taking a break, I'm doing something good, like playing or quality time with a friend or Suzannah, or a walk outside, etc. I'm not just 'killing time,' like on an app or solo game or fun but not actually that good book or a netflix series. I still do it, but I'm doing it less and less, to a satisfying degree. Most of the things that are currently 'wasting' my time, are not conscious choices I'm making anymore, but things I accidentally get sucked into and then go "whoops" once I surface for air. And even those, I'm getting better about. Though I still do it all the time. Lots of distance to travel yet. But feeling movement.

The key difference is when I have a break or something (like spring break which just happened), a good chunk of time. Rather than squandering my days, I'm spending more of that time, working on tasks that I've put on my lists, as important things I really want to get done. It feels fantastic, to be focused and checking off my lists and choosing what I work on intentionally. And it's not cutting into my quality fun and rest time. In fact, somewhat the opposite, as I'm practicing being more disciplined about wrapping up work at a set time, so it doesn't bleed over into time I've set aside for quality connection or play.

There is a whole mix of factors that I've been working on, and may be helping me with this (hard to tell which or which combo is actually making the difference). Practicing with my 'focus' mental muscle. Challenging my beliefs about 'not having enough time,' exerting/practicing my willpower, self-control, leading to more willpower and self-control. Practicing my love, self love, trust, and faith. Connecting more intimately and lovingly with Spirit, the Higher Consciousness. And what I mentioned earlier, connecting to and letting my felt sense of rightness guide me. Whatever it is, or all the confluence, it feels good.

Maybe some of it is just how nice spring feels though. It's beautiful out! Sunshine, refreshing breezes, birds chirping, new plant life budding and sending up green shoots.

The Silver Maple catkin buds have opened, probably sending out the little baby seeds, but too far away to see. I identified two songs of the bluebirds we have around, which was a treat. usually I don't get to see clearly which bird is making which sound. Bluebirds have a really unusual song. And then another, more crow 'caw' like bird call. I think a magnolia tree on my morning run route, is getting ready to open its buds. There is so much going on now after the months of hibernation, it's hard to keep track of it all, but fun to try.

OK! Two blog posts down, six to go. 🤣

-I Out

Amazing Levels of Behind-ness

The level of behind-ness on my blog is kind of amazing. I don't know if I've ever been this behind. Or maybe it's just that I've got a task manager keeping track of it and adding a new one to my list every week. In any case, it's super behind, so it's definitely time to use my handy escape clause that I built in right when I set the weekly requirement for myself: my blog posts can be super short. They can be one word, I think. Maybe I should check what that original post said. In any case, something like that.

This was originally from when I was thinking about habit formation, and the idea that just doing a tiny thing, consistently each day, was a great way to form a habit, that could then turn into something I did automatically, and which could then be expanded to take a little more time.

In the spirit of that, perhaps instead of doing a whole bunch of blog posts one after another, I should just try doing one every day for a bit, to catch up. Then some will be shorter.

Though often, once I get on a roll, I have additional ideas and so I end up writing more. That's perhaps part of the problem, as I shy away from writing when I've got other stuff I want to get done, because I know I can lose a lot of time to it. I think that's one of my strength/weakness things, where it's just a feature of who I am, and depending on the situation, could be either a strength or a weakness.

I think that we should find those things in ourselves, and try to shape our lives so that they end up acting as strengths, as much as they can. (And that we do so in service to something bigger than ourselves, and something that brings goodness to the world and those in it.)

Snow, Stir-Friday (Wednesday), Time Flies

 I looked at my task manager, and it had like 5 entries for "Blog" listed (it automatically creates a new one each week) and I thought, "no, that can't be right, it hasn't been that long since I blogged last." and then I looked at the date for my last blog and realized, oh, yeah, it actually has been that long. So... I should get on that, I suppose. Sorry for the long delay in postings. Somehow it's been hectic enough that I haven't found time to do it? Seems so. There's been a lot of things like that, and it doesn't really feel like things have gotten less hectic, but I do feel like I've finally caught up a bit. Some of the fullness of time has been doing Pancha Karma with Suzannah, and traditional and kind of intense Ayurvedic health regime and cleanse, which was kind of all consuming, with school still going on in the background. Honestly, this has gone back so far I don't really remember why I was so busy. But, I'll try and do a series of rapid fire blog posts like I did last time, to try and catch up.

Interesting to reflect that somehow that is what my life is looking like these days. Not sure what that means.

Hey! it's snowing! right now! It hasn't snowed like this (at all?) this winter, so I'm enjoying the beauty of it.

The view outside my office window:

Thought it's a snow day for many school children, my school is on zoom, so we still have class, and my work happens at home anyways, so it is not slowed or reduced.

I think I'm going to make a mandarin orange sauce Chinese style stir fry tonight, to celebrate being off the Pancha Karma restrictive diet. But I'll have to venture out into the snow to get some ingredients before can make it. And I have to get the brown rice cooking now, so it will be ready in time for dinner. Brown rice takes a long time in the rice cooker.

More posts to follow shortly I hope. But maybe not this weekend, as there is still a bunch that needs to get done by Sunday.

Stay safe and warm out there,

wishing you joy, love, connection, and meaning,

-Isaac

Accepting the limitations of my time = peace, self-awareness, effectiveness

Continuing on the theme of aha moments via "felt-sense navigation and self-analysis," it recently hit home more deeply, how my time issues are creations of my own mind. Not that I'm making up the idea that there isn't enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do, that's pretty true. But the suffering associated with that.

It struck me, that I'm living in a fantasy land, where maybe if I try hard enough or use the right strategy, I will be able to get all the things done in the amount of time I have. But of course, that's not likely. And me clinging to that fantasy and trying to make it happen, isn't very productive. It means I'm spending a bunch of time trying to 'figure it out' rather than just doing what I can, in the time I have.

It also makes me mispriorize stuff, because I'm clinging to the delusion that I can get my huge list done today, so I might as well just start wherever and work my way down. If I was being more realistic, I would look at what is most important to get done, and start with that, because I know it's unlikely I'll get most of it done. The at least I'll have gotten the important parts done.

This makes me think of the idea behind the book "Four thousand weeks" https://a.co/d/3Sp9sJM

Which is in part about accepting our limitations, especially in terms of time.

Working from a more realistic expectation about time, how much I have, and how much things will take to accomplish, makes for better planning, and confronts me with the tradeoffs I have to make, beforehand, when I'm still big picture and thinking clearly. Rather than trying to adjust when I'm entangled in the middle of something and feel the need to finish it in an overly-attached, muddle-brained state. Or choosing my next task from a tired, narrow focus perspective in the middle of the day when I'm in doing things mode.

I think a lot of my planning about my day-to-day routine comes from a wishful thinking perspective. Then at the end of the day when I'm confronted with failing to follow through again, I feel like I'm lousy, rather than seeing the truth: I doomed myself to failure from the start, like a bad boss who insists on a project deadline that's half of what you know you actually need, because he either doesn't understand your work at all, or is just thinking about what he wants, not what you need.

This understanding, plus the additional self-awareness check-in's throughout the day ("how did that go? What would I do differently if I could?") Prompted by my "felt-sense navigation and self analysis" mindset, feels like it's nudging me towards more useful practices and choices. Sometimes it makes me stop beating myself up, because when I ask "what would I do differently?" I realize it actually was a decent choice, and it's my "should voices" coming from external sources that are making me think otherwise.

OK, that's another blog done, almost caught up. I think I'll stop for the day, time to do some other important work that I'll feel good about doing in hindsight 👍😊🙌

With love and wishes for your happiness,

-Isaac

Definition: Felt-sense navigation and self analysis. En-Theos.

 I started talking about this two posts ago, defined it in last post, but figured I should create a post that just gives it some definition in case people are wondering about this term I just made up. To start with, for the longer explanation, just go to this previous blog post:

https://teaandcrumpetswithisaac.blogspot.com/2025/01/the-feeling-of-things-vision-aliveness.html

If you want a quicker summary:

First off, this long, unwieldy phrase, which I'm already shortening to "felt-sense navigation" doesn't, I think, really capture the essence of what I'm talking about, and that is kind of related to the thing itself, which is operating in a realm mental mode different than our normal, verbal sequential logical mode that western culture sometimes thinks is the only valid mode. I've heard left-brain vs. right-brain used to describe this difference in functioning, though I think the neuroscience of it is a little less clear-cut in terms of brain regions. In any case, it's not so much verbal. It's more about feelings, images, sensations. Even though it can accompany words and sequential logical thought, it's different from it.

"self analysis" is perhaps more useful to job my own memory of what I'm talking about, because I am using it to self-reflect and gain more self awareness, and even analyse myself, though somehow it doesn't feel "left-brain" analytical. For example, looking back at my day and analysing it for what I could do better, to take lessons away for next time, doesn't happen by me trying to remember all the things and then think about how I could do them better, it's me actually remembering the day visually and emotionally, being drawn to any moments that didn't feel good, and then kind of imagining I've got a magic power and get to go back in time and do it again, and seeing what doing it in a way that feels better, more congruent with my own values, looks like. It gets me to a similar place, but feels significantly more impactful, useful, and easier, than the more step by step logical analysis method. Maybe that's just me.

This phrase also has the theme, again from that first blog post I mentioned above, of asking about what lights me up, makes me come alive, connects me, plugs me in. That is a specific kind of feeling, one of the best ones. I think of it as strongly related to the indigenous idea of "Vision" that I've been introduced to, as well as somewhat to some of the connotations of "Dharma" or 'rightness.' Though the podcast I mentioned earlier has a number of other questions to feel into as well, that have been on my mind: if x and y light you up, what flips the switch off? what makes you feel disconnected, saps your energy? What are your gifts and strengths (and other people who know you well can be good sources for that info). What are the major turning points or stepping stones in your life path? What are the synchronicities in your life and where do they lead you? and what are you doing when they show up most frequently?

So to summarize that: there is a subtle connotation and connection, to what brings you alive and lights you up. The word enthusiasm comes from "en" and "theos" which means 'the God within.' That is this energy I'm talking about, though if your not theistic you could just call it the life-force, or the energy of life itself, within us.

OK, one more post down. My task manager says I've got two more to write to be caught up, but I don't always check them off when I write them, so I don't know if it's accurate. I'll try and do it anyways, as I appear to be enthusiastic ;-) and on a role.

Wishing you the feeling of being lit up and alive. 

A saying I've heard recently (I think from Jon Young, though the internet says it's an African proverb, which would make sense given his background.) 

"When death finds you, may it find you alive."

-I out

Figuring out a soothing bedtime routine through felt-sense navigation.

 I am quite a bit behind on my blogging schedule, so I'll do a second one now.

This is just a short experiment I ran last night. It ties in with the previous post, as it was kind of inspired by this feeling-directed, unusually effectively self-reflective mode of operating that I've found my way into.

When I'm by myself (such as this week, when Suzannah is visiting family in another state) it can be hard to get myself to go to bed early. This has always been the case, and the reason is almost always one of two things:

1) I feel emotionally unsettled, empty, or otherwise bad.

2) I'm doing something that I don't want to stop.

And #2 is often linked to #1, as stopping is made harder by the thought that, if I stopped, I'd be left with these negative feelings. Though this attachment or compulsion to do things that aren't really important is a whole other topic, which is again related to this overarching thing I've got going on (it would be handy to give it a name so it's easier to talk about, even if it's not sufficiently descriptive... how about... felt-sense based navigation and self-analysis. Not great but I'll go with it for now.)

So, last night, I just decided to try and feel out what a gentle, settling evening routine might feel like. I slowed down a bit, and would pause and take some deeper breaths, almost sighs, letting myself sink in. I was a little hungry, so I had some hot milk, which was actually really nice, that one's a keeper. I thought about listening to a book on tape as I got ready for bed, but when I thought about it (felt it out) I realized that actually wasn't so great, although it was enjoyable, it kind of... how to explain...it was like a pleasant distraction, but didn't actually soothe me, so as soon as I would stop, I'd not only go back to feeling a bit bad, but it's almost like there would be added negative feelings to it. Like water pressure building up because the outlet has been stopped. Instead, I just let myself continue to be present, take relaxed breaths, and enjoy the slow process of winding down. At some point, I think brushing my teeth, I did want to listen to something, but I felt out what would actually be soothing, so I listened to a very relaxing and uplifting spiritual talk, nothing deeply heady, with some nice background music. Almost a guided meditation.

And then I went to sleep, feeling quite good. Oh, I think I did a little journaling as well. It was nice!

I suppose the thing I'm figuring out here, is that letting my felt-sense guide me can be used imaginatively, to more accurately predict how various things will make me feel, in the future. Referring back to my friend Ben's idea about letting pleasure guide you, this seems similar. Maybe it's the same principle in action, with idiosyncratic surface differences.

I also wonder about Dan Gilbert's research 

about how we are lousy at predicting what will make us happy. I wonder if this is either a different, more effective approach, or if it is still not doing a great job. I think it is relying on accurate felt-sense recall of previously doing something though, which makes me think it likely is more accurate, but perhaps limited, if what you are thinking about isn't like anything you've done before.

Alright, this post is also already long, and I've got more to catch up on, so I'll stop this one as well, and continue on to the next topic, in another post.

The feeling of things. Vision. Aliveness.

Something good is going on.

It’s hard to put into words, but that kind of makes sense, because this thing that’s going on has to do a lot with navigating life by feelings, visuals, non-linear-or-lexical methods.

It’s related to the annual review process I’m doing, which is something adapted from Jon Young and Tom Brown Jr. (and Grandfather, Tom’s teacher) that is a little different than a more modern idea of an annual review or new-years resolution session. It actually seems more related to the idea of “Vision” and vision quests. Connecting to your higher purpose, but in a very practical way. The first of the series of questions/investigations, is something along the lines of “what lights you up? What are you doing when you feel really alive/connected?” And the prompt that really got me with that was, “really relive these events/times when you felt connected and alive, feel them.”

I’m familiar with this approach from various classes I’ve taken with Tom, but for some reason it really hit home, and navigating the answer to this question became so much more vibrant and powerful, accessing the answers this way. If I’d just tried to remember such times, it would be easier to confuse myself. Did that actually really light me up, or did I just think it was supposed to? And going by the feeling, it’s more likely I’d uncover something surprising. “Oh yeah, I guess that did feel really good, I didn’t even think of that as something that could count as a thing that lit me up.”

It also makes it much clearer. There’s no questioning, is it, isn’t it? I’m reliving the memory and either I’m feeling it, or not.

Another thing that came out of this-

(much of it comes from a specific podcast episode, I should include that here:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tracking-connections/id1738301682 )

-was the idea of looking back over your day, or even a practice session or some smaller chunk of time, and asking myself: “if I could live that, do that, over again, what would I do differently?” And actually, to some degree, reliving it. Like practicing doing it the better way. Rather than just intellectually identifying the better way. As teachers of young children, we often do this, “ok, let’s practice lining up the right way again.” And another thing I remember Tom and others talking about, is experiments where basketball players would very vividly imagine practicing shooting hoops. The imaginary practice was actually quite effective at improving their technique, as long as they did it very vividly, with lots of details, as close to actually doing it as possible.

I don’t think I’ve actually done that myself, weirdly enough, but just the idea of it has gotten me to slow down, in the moment, and be aware of what I’m doing, and weather it’s what I want to be doing, in a much more naturally, deeply, and powerfully self-reflective way. It’s been genuinely changing my behavior in positive ways, to an unusual degree, enough that I’ve noted it down to remind myself that this is a powerful tool for me, that I should remember. 

One of the weird things though, going back to the beginning of this post (I’m actually writing it in my journal first/currently) is that I don’t really understand logically how the teaching (reflecting on your day/a practice session and asking/visualizing what you could do differently/better, if you had the chance to do it over again) somehow turned into this self-awareness and reflection leading to better, more mindful choices and actions in my life. But I do feel how one led to the other. There is specific feel, that the one had, that I then transferred over to how I’m going through my own life, even though I’m not doing the specific action suggested.

As I said at the beginning, it’s a little hard to explain in words, because the whole thing is happening from a non-word place. Or at least... perhaps more precisely, there is a non-word conveyance, that is riding along with the words, that is what is powerful and being translated to something different from what the words are saying. It seems kind of like... some metal bars, with scented air currents flowing along around them. Metal bars = the words, and the scents are the non-verbal feelings somehow related. But the metal bars are changing for some wood beams, while the scents are staying the same, flowing uninterrupted from one to the other.

Weird image I know. As I said, words are a bit of a translation. Poetry might be a better medium than simple description.

Reflections on insights from the past year. Hi Ben!

Hi Ben! If you're reading this, I'm thinking about you and some of what we've talked about.

I'm reflecting on lessons learned this year, and here is a big one that is hard to describe, especially in a useful way to other people: 

Doing what feels right, vs. what I think I should be doing.

Let me try and unpack that a little. My friend Ben talks about something (and I'm probably going to butcher it and get it a bit wrong) like 'following the pleasure principle' to direct him. To hear him describe it, it's not so much what you think of as hedonistic, but a bit more like the primal eating fad, where you are just listening carefully to your body, and what it wants, frequently pausing to check in, when you start doing something, to see if it feels right to your body, as you actually do it.

I suppose my framing of it leans a bit more spiritual, with the ideas of intuition and energy playing a bigger role in how I think about it. But I think both approaches are tapping into a similar thing, some understanding about what we actually want, both on a basic body level (more where he Ben seems to be focusing on it's application) and on a intuitive, 'know without knowing how you know' level (where I lean in a bit more.) And even on a desire level, what you actually want, vs. what you think you should be doing, because you got that impression from society, or parents, or peers, or a book, or etc. Which I think you can get to from either direction. Frankly, I often tune into my intuition through my bodily felt sense, and my gut will tense up or release, or other feelings will go on, to give me distinctly non-body related information.

I've been reading (listening too) a very interesting book called "Behave" that talks a bit about experiments illustrating this weird but very true phenomenon, where feel and understand abstract concepts in a physical way. Like being physically cold makes us feel more emotionally distant. Kind of the world being a physical metaphor, and that being pretty deeply wired into how our brains work.

Anyhoo, Ben mentioned something about my direction with counseling, that makes me think of this a bit. Am I doing what actually feels right (I think yes in general, but in specific I'm still hazy.) or what I think I should be doing.

Related to that, another big insight gleaned from my winter vision quest: the perspective that my life is already designed to be exactly what I need to grow. 

This probably also could use some unpacking: I often look at other people, and wish I was them: more willpower, doing more, more passionate, more focused, more clear about my life, and on and on. I also frequently (not so much these days) wish my circumstances were different. I used to wish I had a girlfriend, I wish I had a more personal relationship with my spiritual teacher, I wish I had more contact with spiritual teachers I respect in general, I wish I had more contact with my spiritual community for support in my sadhana, and on and on.

But the realization that came through in my quest (one of many) was 'don't you think God knows exactly what you most need to grow, and is giving it to you?' And the answer was, yes, I do. And that means my mediocre little life is not me failing to what I'm supposed to do, it is what I'm supposed to do. If I do it well, then maybe I get to the next level, and if I keep doing that, then maybe it won't be mediocre any more. I know some of you are going to say I'm being mean calling my life mediocre, but come on, I'm no Gandhi, let's not pretend otherwise. Being willing to accept that, and accept the lessons that are mine to learn and master, feels like a healthy dose of reality. 

I suppose it's like that saying 'you've gotta learn to crawl before you walk.' I need to learn the relatively simple lessons that I've been served, before I learn more advanced, flashy looking ones.

Related to both these realizations, is another, that what I care about, what I'm passionate about, what I'm interested in are seeds planted by Source in my soul. Those are not random, to be forcibly overwritten with the 'right' things to want, they are part of my life plan, and it's ok that what I'm interested in isn't the same as what other people are interested in, even if it's less flashy or somehow marked as not the 'right' things to want or be interested in.

A caveat as always that it's a bit more complex than 'just do what you want.' as there are things that part of me wants to do, that make me feel like crap afterwards. I still need to discriminate between those. Sometimes what feels 'good' in the long run feels unpleasant in the short run. Discomfort is not necessarily a sign you're doing something wrong, potentially it just means you're doing something difficult, and without challenge there is not much growth.

Anyhoo, those are some of my reflections for the year, this post has definitely gone on long enough, so I'll end it and write another if I've got more to say. I think the reflections are as much for my own memory as for anyone else who reads this. I don't know that you can get these insights just by reading them from someone else, they've been slow and hard won.

In any case, to all my friends and family, love and blessings to you. And I suppose to the random stranger who somehow found your way to this, love and blessings to you too. How did you even find your way here? Fascinating.

-I Out