P1: I forgot what it’s called. What’s the name of that thing you wear, you know, in this region? (gesturing to groinal area.)
P2: Underwear?
P1: Under… you know, your pants.
P2: Your...shoes?
P1: No, not that kind of under… you know, inside. Inside your pants.
P2: Yeah, underwear.
P1: What is your obsession with hierarchical placement?… Fine, under your navel.
P2: Yes; underwear. It’s underwear.
P1: Beneath your waist! The thing that is under your belly!
P2: ...your junk?
P1: No! Around that! Next to that!
P2: ...Legs?
P1: No, the article of clothing! Clothing! Not body parts.
P2: And it’s not underwear?
P1: Why do you care where it’s not under! It’s not under anything in the world except the upper half of your body!
P2: I don’t care where it’s under or where it’s not under. Stop judging me! I’m telling you, not asking you, that it is underwear! (Gesturing vehemently to crotchal area.)
P1: Who taught you English, a lycanthrope? You say “under there”, not “where”! And I already told you it was under there. You should not be proud that you retained that bit of information when you can’t even speak proper English.
P2: No, it is underwear. It’s not a question--
P1: No, it is a question. You were raised by grammar wolves and “where?” preceded by a locational preposition forms a question not a statement and a fragment at that.
P2: Stop saying nonsense words--
P1: You’re the one demanding I accept your question as a statement that somehow answers my question. I’m not the one saying nonsense--
P2: (pulling down his pants) THIS!--
P1: Oh God I’ve horribly misread this situation he’s triple-strength squirrels and nuts please do not sexually assault me--
P2: IS CALLED (grabbing underwear in shaking fists and yanking it up and towards p1) UNDERWEAR!
P1: (quietly) in the phone book? Maybe under mental health--
P2: THE NAME OF THE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING I AM GRASPING IN MY HANDS RIGHT NOW IS NAMED, QUOTE, UNDERWEAR, UNQUOTE. U-En-Dee-E-Ar-Double-u-E-A-AR! Underwear! Underwear! Underwear!
P1: …
P1: …
(Silence and stillness as p2 pants and p1 stares.)
P1: This is how friendships end, isn’t it?
-fin-
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